“But there is something?”
Nitro shrugged. “No, not really. I'm just not in the zone right now is all.”
“You know that Denny will happily release you, if you wanna go home.”
“This is my home. I wanna stay here.”
“Yet you're not happy here.”
“I'm fine.” Nitro handed the unlit cigarette back to his SAA. “I'm gonna split. Got an early start in the morning.”
“No, you don't. You're off the run, Nitro.”
He didn't even care enough to argue.
What the fuck was wrong with him? Biff was right: the road rage incident on the way to the Drip was out of character, and he'd been in a foul mood for days. Nitro headed out of Bristol towards Bath and the one person who might be able to give him an answer, or at least put the smile back onto his face. He was pretty sure Mouse wasn't the reason for his discontent; he'd toyed with the idea of heading back to the States plenty of times before they’d met, although now that wasn't an option.
Less than an hour after he'd left the clubhouse, he was banging on the farmhouse door.
“What?” Steve barred his entrance.
“Mouse around?” Nitro really wasn't in the mood for yet another pissing contest.
Steve puffed out his chest a little and refused to move. “Did you fuck up her face?”
“Nope. So where is she?”
“I don't believe you.”
“Don't really give a shit, friend. No doubt you've asked her, an' she's told you the same.” Nitro cocked his head to one side. “You'd really like me to have hit her, wouldn't ya. You just can't wait to ride to the rescue. Well tough shit, I'm afraid. I don't hit women. Go an' rescue someone else.”
“Nitro!” A small hand tugged at the leg of his jeans. “Wanna read a story?”
“Hey there, sweetheart.” Nitro picked up the little girl and sat her on his hip. “You gonna help me find Mouse?”
“She's in the barn wid da horse. He trod on her toe an' she said a bad word.”
“I'm sure she did. C'mon, let's go and say hi.”
Mouse wasn't one for big displays of affection, but her smile as he walked through the stable door was more than enough. She tied the hay bag to a nail on the wall and slapped the mean-looking black and white horse on the rump. “Gimme a sec. I'm nearly done here. Don't let Chloe get near Rodney's legs, he's a moody bugger today.”
~oOo~
If it wasn't for the fact that he'd have to put his leg on and tramp across two fields whenever he needed to take a dump, Nitro could've quite happily lived in the tepee. It was warm and cosy, and the lack of electricity meant that, with little else to pass the time, he and his little Anarchist would have to make their own entertainment, which was what they'd been doing for the last hour or so. Of course the downside to having no distractions was, when they weren't making their own entertainment, they'd probably have to talk. Nitro had no problem with that, Mouse was smart and interesting, but sometimes she'd insist they talked about feelings and shit. And he wasn't a big fan of that.
“C'mon, Nitro. What's up?”
Obviously, playing with her nipple wasn't going to distract her this time. “I dunno. Just got a lot of noise in my head.”
“About us.” Mouse pushed his hand away. “Cos, fucking someone and then telling them they're dumped is a pretty shitty thing to do.”
“No.” He pulled her onto his chest. “We're good, punk.” So good, in fact, that the insistent chatter in his brain had fallen silent the second he'd laid eyes on her. “I dunno what it is. The club, this fucking funeral...” He shook his head. “It's nothing. I just think too much sometimes.”
Mouse laughed and kissed the corner of his mouth. “I find that hard to believe.”
“I'll have you know, I'm extremely cerebral.” He slapped her ass to emphasise his point. “I just hide it well.”
She wasn't going to let this go, he could tell. “If you don't want to go to the funeral, why not just tell Denny?”
“Tiny was my brother; it should be me who goes.” He pushed her off him and sat up. “An' it's not really that. I just get the feeling that I'm missing something. It's hard to explain, but it feels like everyone's expecting me to stay there.”
“Is that what you want?”
“If I hadn't met you, maybe. I don't miss Bay View, but I loved Vegas, an' I guess I'd always thought I'd go back sooner or later. Can't see you settling there, though, even if you could manage to get a visa.”
Her eyes widened. “You're staying because of me? Wow.”
Of course he was staying because of her. Until she'd dropped into his life, he'd never considered England as his permanent home. Now he couldn't imagine living anywhere else. “Yup. So... um... if you feel like showing your gratitude with a blow job, I won’t complain.”
~oOo~
She was the reason he wasn't moving back to the States.
All night, Mouse had lain awake and tried to wrap her head around what he'd said. Despite his flippancy, she knew it wasn't a decision he'd taken lightly, and she guessed he still wasn't completely happy with his choice. Nitro had often talked about Vegas, and it was clear he considered it his home and that he'd been happy there. Mouse wasn't sure he could say the same about England, and she wasn't sure how she felt about being the reason for him staying.
She loved him, of course. Despite being everything she didn't want in a man, he fitted her like a glove. If someone had put a gun to her head and forced her to explain why she loved him, she wouldn't have been able to. Sure, he was the most beautiful man she'd ever laid eyes on, and yeah, they were compatible in the sack, but that wasn't enough to build a future on. All she knew was that under the layers of cockiness, and bullshit was a good man who wasn't afraid to expose himself to her. Maybe it was that. Maybe it was his vulnerability that she loved.
Mouse turned and looked at the man sleeping beside her. How could she let him sacrifice his happiness for her?
The song of a lone skylark told her that it would soon be light, and knowing that she wasn't going to be able to sleep, Mouse quietly got up and headed, through the morning mist, toward the farmyard. The big piebald gelding didn't appreciate being woken up so early, but just as Nitro would ride to clear his head, so did Mouse. The only difference was horsepower.
As girl and horse made their way across the valley, the sun did its best to burn through the mist that clung to them and soaked them as much as any downpour. Many of the low lying fields were under water through most of the winter, and even after a long dry spell, the ground squelched under the horse's hooves. The sky above was lilac, and the skylark had been drowned out by the dawn chorus that emanated from the hedgerows. It promised to be a beautiful day, but this did nothing to alleviate the heaviness in Mouse's heart.
They ascended the gentle hills that surrounded Hope Farm, and left the mist behind. Rodney, feeling firm ground under his feet and the sun on his back, snatched at the bit. Mouse gave him his head, only pulling him up as they reached the crest of the hill. She patted his neck and looked down at the huddle of buildings and makeshift dwellings she called home. Then after smoking a cigarette, at a more sedate pace, headed back to prepare breakfast, and to tell Nitro that he was making a mistake.
She wasn't surprised to find him in the kitchen, with little Chloe on his hip, chatting up Kelly, one of Steve's little punk friends. Mouse swallowed down a sharp pang of jealousy as the blonde giggled and batted her eyelashes at him; what the fuck was wrong with her? After today, he'd be free to be with anyone he chose. Nitro turned and grinned as she walked through the door. “Where you been, punk? Was beginning to think you'd run out on me.”
“Went for a ride.” She forced herself to smile. “You got a minute?”
“Sure.” He put Chloe down and followed her back outside.
Mouse led him to a bench at the front of the house and sat down. She took a deep breath. “I've been thinking about what you said last night. I... I think you're making a mistak
e. I think you should think about staying in America.”
“Not actually your call, Mouse.” Nitro leaned back against the stone facade. “Gonna tell me why you've come to this conclusion?”
“You're not happy here.”
He didn't deny it. “I wanna be where you are.”
“Even if that means you'll be miserable?”
“Not miserable when I'm with you.” He stood and walked over to the stone wall that bordered the garden and looked out over the countryside. “Not miserable when I'm riding out there.”
“What about the club? You said...”
“I said I needed to find my place. Sometimes that takes a while.” He shrugged. “Maybe it won’t happen, an' I'll never fit in there. But I can live with that as long as I've got you to come home to. I'm coming back here, punk. It don't matter whether you think it's a good idea or not.”
“I don't want to be responsible for your happiness, Nitro. Please, you can't put that on me.”
He turned back to face her. “Do you love me?” Mouse nodded, and he grinned. “Then I'm coming back.”
“But...”
“Discussion is over, Mouse. C'mon, Kelly's cooking breakfast, an' I'm hungry.”
God, it pissed her off when he did that. Mouse stayed firmly where she was, determined that, for once in his life, he was going to take on board what she was saying. “Is this how it's always going to be? You disregarding everything I say?”
His shoulders slumped and he turned and joined her on the bench. “If you're looking for an out, just tell me. Don't act as though you're doing me some kind of favour. I've told you plenty o' times that you an' me work together. If you're too chicken shit to take the plunge, just fucking admit it.”
“I'm not.”
“No? Well that's what it sounds like to me. I want us to spend the rest of our lives together, I don't much give a shit where we do it.”
“Did you want to spend the rest of your life with the women you married?” It was out of her mouth before she was aware of it.
Nitro sighed and rested his forearms on his thighs. “The first, probably not. It was a spur of the moment thing, an' I knew after a few days it had been a mistake. The second, sure. I loved her, or at least I thought I did. Problem was, she wasn't the woman I thought she was.” He grinned. “I probably wasn't the man she I thought I was, either.”
“And if I'm not the woman you think I am?”
He pulled a face. “I think you're passionate about what you believe in, but I think you use it as a shield to keep people from getting too close. I think you've been hurt a lot in the past, an' you're scared it'll happen again. You're scared of loving, an' scared of letting yourself be loved. I dunno what happened to make you like this, cos you won’t open up to me, but I'd wager that you've been let down a lot, an' for some reason, you think it's your fault.” He leaned back and ran his finger down her cheek. “Am I wrong?”
No, he wasn't wrong. He'd hit the nail on the head. “I'm fucked up, Nitro. What happens when you get tired of dealing with that?”
He laughed. “An' you think I ain't? We're all fucked up, punk. It's what makes us human.”
“But if you know this, why do you love me? I'm not exactly lovable.”
“Jesus, I ain't even had my coffee, an' you're asking shit like that.” Nitro stood and stretched out his arms. “You wanna know why I love you? Fine, I'll tell you. You're funny. You make me laugh, an' that's real important to me. You care about shit—important shit that everyone should care about. You're constantly stretching yourself. You read books that you don't fully understand, an' you ain't scared to admit when you don't. You're smarter than you give yourself credit for. You pack a killer punch.” He grinned. “An' I've never fucked anyone like you.”
“Oh. That's quite a list.”
“There's a lot more, punk.” Nitro folded his arms and smirked. “Okay, then. Your turn. Why do you love me? Obviously, there's no need to mention my devastating good looks and prowess in the sack.”
“I don't know.” Mouse squinted up at him. “Sorry.”
He reached down and pulled her to her feet. “It doesn't matter. As long as I make you happy, it's good. Now please, can we go an' eat?”
~oOo~
Mouse was heading up to London, tomorrow, and by the end of the day, Nitro would be on a plane heading for America. As he watched his little Anarchist and her scrawny companions loading their stuff into the back of a van, it was taking every ounce of his self-control not to drag her to his bike and whisk them both away to somewhere neither the club, or her family would ever find them.
Nitro bent and ran his hand over the rear tyre of the beat-up old van. It was balder than Leo. “Shit, this thing isn't safe. At least let me take you to London.”
“It's fine.” She grinned and threw a rolled-up banner into the back. “It doesn't go over thirty in any case. And we'll stay off the motorways.”
“Not sure that makes me feel any better. C'mon Mouse, let me take you, I'll be leaving for Heathrow soon. You can meet your buddies there.”
Mouse shook her head, and wrapped her arms around his waist. “Stop fussing. I'll be okay.”
“You do know that you're gonna be responsible for every grey hair I grow.” He pulled her closer and pressed his lips against hers. “Try not to get arrested. I'll be heading back straight after the funeral, I'll give Mags a call when I get back. She has my number, so if anything...”
“Nothing's gonna happen, biker boy. I'll see you when you get home.”
21
Even by Californian standards, it was hot. Nitro reluctantly climbed out of the air-conditioned truck and pulled on his cut before crossing the lot of Tiny's car shop to pick up the bike that would be his for the next few days. It looked as though it was closed for business, but Mac, Bay View's intelligence officer, was standing in the office doorway waiting for him.
He smiled as Nitro approached. “Good to see you, brother. Too bad it had to be under these circumstances.” He stepped out into the blazing sunshine and pulled him into a one-armed hug. “Your bike's in the shop and is ready to go.”
“Thanks.” Nitro would have preferred to modify it himself; it was two days until the funeral, and it would have been a good excuse to stay out of Vince's crosshairs for a while. He wasn't sure why he was so reluctant to see his former President, but there was something about Vince that made him uneasy, and the way Biff and Denny had been, coupled with the open-ended ticket, probably had something to do with it. “I owe you one.”
Mac shrugged. “Was my pleasure, and to be honest, it was good to have something to do. It feels like everything is on hold, right now. How about we get out of the sun. Tiny didn't have any beer, but there's soda in the fridge.” He turned and led Nitro into the small office. “So, how's England?”
“Good.” Nitro sat of the edge of the desk and took the offered soda.
“You gonna make it permanent?” Mac tapped the England patch. “Kinda thought you'd come back here once the your crazy ol' lady had run out of steam.”
“Yeah.” Nitro grinned. “Gonna start looking for somewhere to set up business, an' find somewhere bigger to live when I get back. Kinda found myself a new crazy ol' lady.”
“Why doesn't that surprise me?” Mac laughed. “Please tell me this one comes with a psych report.”
Nitro gave him the finger and changed the subject. “We any nearer to knowing what happened to Tiny?”
“Not really. He was heading to Seattle on a social call, but never made it, as far as we can tell—he certainly never showed up at the clubhouse. No one seems to know what he was doing in Tacoma. I guess he must've gotten jumped or something. Things have been kinda crazy here. We've got those Mexican assholes all over us in the south, an' the Rats are making things difficult in the north. I guess Tiny found himself in the wrong place at the wrong time.”
“You think it was the Rats?”
Mac shrugged. “I dunno, but it seems likely. It wasn't like Tiny to
act independently, but he... Vince... Some shit had gone down, an' Tiny wasn't happy about it. Maybe he'd got information, or wanted a meet. Shit, brother. I don't know. The cops seem to think the body had been moved, but other than that, they're drawing a blank.”
“So it might not have been the Rats?” Nitro had to admit that The Dirty Rats were the obvious suspects. There had always been bad feelings between the clubs, and taking down lone Freaks fitted their MO.
“Don't see who else it could've been.” Mac shifted uncomfortably. “Maybe we'll find out more when Samson gets here.”
“Why would Samson know anything?”
“He... I dunno, I guess Tiny would've been heading to his place. Maybe they were planning to deal with the Rats or something. Fuck, I really don't know. I guess I'm just clutching at straws.”
Mac was keeping something back. It was written all over his face. Knowing that there was no point in pursuing it—if he was keeping quiet, it was probably on Vince's orders—Nitro changed the subject again. “How's his ol' lady?”
“Seems to be holding it together. Haven't seen much of her, to be honest.”
“We had a collection for her an' the kids. Maybe I'll swing by her place later.” He didn't add that he didn't trust Vince to pass the money on. “It'll probably be too crazy once the rest of the chapters get into town.”
~oOo~
After taking a ride to acquaint himself with the loaner, Nitro had gone back to the B&B he was staying in and dropped off his cut before heading out again, this time to Tiny's place on the edge of town. There were no bikes parked outside, but the SUVs and jeeps told him that, while his brothers were elsewhere, their ol' ladies were inside. He pulled up and killed the engine before taking a deep breath and heading for the front door.
“Nitro.” Gloria kissed him on the cheek, and led him inside. “Vince said you were coming. Beth is out back with the kids. Go on through, I'm sure you know the way.”
Beth was sitting on a bench under a parched-looking tree. She looked up as he approached, then immediately looked away again. Unsure how he was supposed to proceed, Nitro waited for her to speak.
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