Kyler found him a caravan of merchants headed for Xendaria who were hiring bodyguards, so Kilig was given a horse and set out for the east, wondering what lay ahead. Hakeem's face and body were slowly fading out of his memories and he felt serene for the first time in years. He could finally see the future again – it was a lonely future, but he wasn't afraid.
***
Guisarme was back in Godwalkar when she dreamed of Hakeem. She was sleeping in Kyler's big bed when the Genn-green eyes widened in front of her and his soundless scream made her feel his pain. Hakeem was falling – falling down a well of desperation and couldn't find a way to stop that fall.
Guisarme woke up in anguish and gasped for breath as she waited for her heart to slow down. She slowly untangled her body from Kyler's and lay on her back, staring at the ceiling without seeing it. A vision. Hakeem was in danger. But how? He hadn't left the school, had he?
The night was still dark, so she sighed. She couldn't knock on the school's door at night, she'd have to wait for the morning. She rolled on her side and laid her head on Kyler's torso. His arm pulled her closer and she slowly went back to sleep.
In the morning she was still quite upset – the vision had left a strong sense of impending doom on her – so she decided to go check on Hakeem. She knocked on the school's door as she'd used to when it was still the Assassins' Guild building, and Sabre opened.
"Hello, Guisarme!" he greeted, surprised. "You're back already? Is Kilig with you?"
"Uh... no." He let her in the foyer where she stopped. "Can I talk to Hakeem?"
"Well, Hakeem is gone. He went after Kilig." Sabre's brow furrowed in worry. "We haven't heard from him in a couple of months. I assume you haven't met him and he hasn't made it to Havenstock?"
"Obviously not." Guisarme pursed her lips. "Do you have any idea of what happened?"
"Kilig dumped him and he lost it. Why he dumped him, though, I don't know. Hakeem wouldn't talk about it."
"Neither did Kilig." She sighed. "I guess I'll have to go get Hakeem and see that they are reunited soon..."
Sabre nodded. "If there's anything we can do..."
"I'll take care of it."
She went back to the palace. Kyler couldn't do searching spells, so she went to her father instead. Nightsun closed his eyes and went into a short trance, then looked at his daughter again.
"Darantasia," he said slowly. "Do you want me to send you there?"
"I'll go with Kyler," she answered. "Thank you, Father. What should I look for in Darantasia?"
"Allan's house. Brothel. It's behind the governor's palace."
Brothel? No wonder Hakeem was falling in her vision! More and more worried, she went back to Kyler, who immediately spread his black feathered wings and flew her to the closest town. At sunset they were at the outskirts of Darantasia and Kyler landed. His wings vanished and he walked with her into the city where torches were lit in the streets.
They found the main square, the governor's palace, and the smaller building that was the brothel. It had red lights on all the windows, and was actually easier to find at night than during the day. They knocked on the door, and a balding man opened it.
"Welcome, my lord and lady, how can I help you tonight?" he said, letting them into a vast entrance with couches and silks all around where both young men and women sat, scantily clothed.
Guisarme quickly scanned the room, but didn't see Hakeem.
"I'm here for Hakeem," she said, assuming he hadn't changed his name to something more suitable to his new profession.
"Oh, I see. Unfortunately, he doesn't do women," the man said.
"I'm not here to have sex with him," she said, glaring at him. "Just take me to him." Her hand rested on her sword-hilt, and since she wore breeches, the man bowed and led her up a staircase. Kyler followed, a silent shadow who gave her strength.
The man opened the door to a room on the first floor along a narrow corridor and looked at her. Guisarme entered and found Hakeem sprawled on a bed, barely covered by the bed-sheet, lost in a drugged daze.
"Drat," she muttered, rushing to the bed. "Is he drugged or what?"
"He took a fancy to smoking opium," the man said, crossing his arms over his chest. "He's already done a lot of work today, and he's resting now."
Guisarme tried to shake Hakeem, but it was useless. The drugged stupor wouldn't go away that fast. Obviously the only way Hakeem could stomach his new job was through drugs. But why was he punishing himself so badly in the first place?
She glanced at Kyler who nodded and came forward.
"Can I have his clothes?" Guisarme asked.
"That pile over there is what he came with. And it's borrowed. He was robbed on the way here. You can't take anything else in this room."
"We don't want anything from this room. And you can keep the money you made off of his body," she retorted. "We're taking him home."
The man scoffed. "He's lucky to have such a loving family."
Guisarme simply glared at him while she grabbed the clothes. Kyler had already taken Hakeem in his arms, bride-like, and exited the room first. Guisarme followed him and they found a nearby inn where they spent the night.
In the morning Hakeem was still out, so they dressed him and Kyler took him out of town where he lay the limp body down before morphing into his dragon form. Guisarme helped Hakeem's feverish body to climb on the dragon's back and sat behind him, so she could hold him during the flight.
"This can't be just the drugs," she muttered, feeling him shiver against her. She wasn't a healer, but she could tell that much.
Kyler landed in the courtyard of the palace and let them off, helping her to carry Hakeem inside, where her pure-blood aunt could lay her magic hands on him. She watched as the golden powder wrapped around Hakeem's body and slowly entered it, making him moan softly.
And then he was asleep and her aunt opened her eyes, pulling her long blond hair behind her pointed ear.
"Sunshine, I have healed his body, but can't do much for him now." The Genn and other Magical Races always used her Genn name, Sunshine, including Kyler when none of her old friends were present. "He had nasty drugs in him and even a sexually transmitted disease – all that is gone, but that's all I can do."
"Thank you, Auntie, that's all you have to do. I'll make sure he stays alive until Kilig comes back." She knew Kilig was the only person who could cure Hakeem's "sickness".
***
Hakeem meekly went back to his old life – sort of. He wasn't a teacher anymore, more a janitor and errand boy for the school, taking care of the children while the parents worked. He often ran through the city – literally, so he'd be exhausted at night and wouldn't dream.
But he rarely talked, his smiles were tired and forced, and neither Brother Smile nor Sanjana could make him talk about what had happened between him and Kilig. He simply averted his eyes and didn't respond, getting lost in his own thoughts – quite gloomy from the look on his face.
"Why didn't you let me die?" he asked Guisarme when he woke up at the palace.
"Because you're twenty-six and I can't believe you've lost all hope just because Kilig left you," she replied bluntly. "First of all, Kilig is not dead. He'll come back. Second, he's not the only person in the world who loves you, and that's why you better live."
Of course Sanjana loved him – like a sister – Rohini loved him – like a daughter – and others liked him or were fond of him, but nobody really loved him. Not Kilig, whom he had cheated on and who had obviously lost faith in him. Hakeem couldn't blame Kilig for leaving.
Guisarme had sworn she'd never tell Kilig where she'd found him and what he'd done in Darantasia, but every passing day he felt more shame and more loneliness and more desperation. He was passing through life without joy and without hope. Now that he'd lost Kilig, he knew he wasn't complete without him. He couldn't bear himself for his own stupidity and sometimes wondered if he should put an end to his misery.
But he didn't have the courage
to do it. End his own life. Some part of him still hoped Kilig would come back and forgive him and take him back. That was the only thing that drove him on.
***
Kilig crossed the former border river between Varians and Blackmore still following the wagons and caravans of merchants moving through the north. Winter was fast approaching – the cold, snowy northern winter – and soon he found himself snowed in with a widow and her three children in a lone farm on the way south.
He'd just left the main road that led to former capital, Xendaria, to go south towards Hurlevent and Saif's cabin when he'd been caught in a snow storm. The single light of the farm had guided him to a warm and secure place, and in the morning he wasn't able to leave.
So he helped the mother of three – whose name was Marian – to chop wood, he tried to go out and hunt when the snow settled, and finally had to kill his horse both for food and because he couldn't feed it. The widow didn't have a stable and the poor animal didn't have anything to munch on anyway under the snow.
The smell of horse meat attracted a pack of wolves that surrounded the house for a few days, during which Kilig and Marian took turns in keeping the fire alive so the wolves wouldn't try to get in through the chimney.
Eventually the howls faded away, the pack gave up and tried to find easier preys. When the horse meat and other provisions were almost gone, the snow started to melt, so Marian was able to get to the nearby village with her handcart to get more. Kilig helped her pull the cart while the children played with the snow around them.
Months flew by as he slowly moved south, usually with merchants, traders or peddlers in need of protection. He was finally alone when he left the main road to find Saif's hut, and spring was putting leaves back on the trees. Nobody tried to attack an obviously armed warrior, and he reached the clearing where he'd said good-bye to his first love six years – or a lifetime? – earlier.
The cabin was abandoned and in disrepair, so he spent a few days reinforcing what was left so he could have a roof over his head. He slept on the floor and gathered wood and went hunting for food, reminiscing about his days with Saif – and Saif's last day in this world.
Hakeem's face came back to his mind one night as he stared at the dancing flames in the hearth. The Genn-green eyes stared at him, hopeful, eager, and then adoring. Then the fateful morning came back to mind as well, Hakeem waking up slightly confused and then admitting to the threesome like a spoiled child.
Kilig closed his eyes, trying to figure out how he was feeling about it, but he couldn't tell. Maybe one day he'd see Hakeem again and figure it out. He didn't think he loved anyone anymore. His heart wasn't dead, but it was asleep. He didn't want to go through the ups and downs of passion anymore. He wanted to go home – and home was his sister Gauri's house in Godwalkar, where he could rekindle the relationship with her, unbothered by and unburdened with a lover.
He wanted to find peace – of mind and of the body. He'd enjoyed his northern journey, but now he was ready to go home. As he lay down in Saif's cabin for the last time, he wondered if Saif had ever wished to go back to his hometown while he was living in the little house. Saif's bearded face rocked him to sleep.
***
"Why are you so unhappy, Uncle Hakeem?" Rohini asked, putting her arms around Hakeem's neck. "Is it because Uncle Kilig left? When is he coming back?"
"Mm?" Hakeem tried to focus on the little girl in his lap as they sat in the public gardens of the palace. Aditya was running around, chasing butterflies on his short legs, and playing with other children. It was a warm spring day and no clouds hovered in the blue sky, but to Hakeem it didn't matter. His own personal sun was gone.
"Where is Uncle Kilig?" Rohini insisted, glaring at him for not answering promptly.
"I don't know, Rohini," he finally said, averting his eyes. "If I knew where he was, I'd go after him."
"Why did he leave?"
"Because... I've been naughty."
"And can't he forgive you?"
"He left in anger. When he comes back, I'm sure he will forgive me."
Rohini smiled. "Of course he will forgive you. He loves you, doesn't he?"
"Yes, he does." Or so I hope. What will I do if he doesn't love me anymore?
He'd tried to "console" himself with Leonel, but now that Corabella was finally pregnant, neither was too keen on meeting him. Maybe when they wanted another child they'd look him up.
They have used me like a breeding stallion. I should have said no. I should have resisted. Why did I let my teenage years have the best of me? Now I've ruined my life, and Kilig's...
Although Kilig was stronger than him. What if Kilig came back with a new lover? What if he'd found some northerner to warm his bed?
"Why are you so worried, Uncle Hakeem?" Rohini seemed to be his conscience's voice that day.
"Because I don't know what will happen when Kilig comes back," Hakeem answered, squeezing her. "I'm trying not to think about it, but..."
Rohini kissed his cheek. "You will be all right," she assured gravely.
Hakeem smiled weakly. "I sure hope so," he whispered, lowering his eyes.
***
Kilig was back in Godwalkar some six months after he'd left. Going north had been quite fast on Kyler Darklight's back, but coming back down had been more interesting. He hadn't made any new friends – Marian was sad to see him go, but she had understood she could never have him replace her late husband – but had learned a few things about northern language, culture and weapons.
He went to Gauri's house where she welcomed him with a hug.
"Did you have enough of killing people?" she teased, checking his northern weapons that he eagerly put away.
"Yes. I'm ready to help you in whatever you need me to," he answered promptly.
"Oh, my poor brother, you know nothing of dressmaking!" Gauri chuckled. "But you can help me delivering the clothes around town."
"There you have it, I'm your errand boy." Kilig grinned.
"Thank you, Karuna. And welcome back." She caressed his cheek.
Kilig thought he'd miss his assassin's name. He'd been using it for so long... but it was time Kilig the Sword retired and Karuna the Compassionate came back – older, wiser and ready to help.
And then a known voice whispered "Kilig" one day as he was on the way back to Gauri's after delivering a ball gown to a noblewoman, and he found himself staring into Genn-green eyes full of hope.
***
Hakeem's heart missed a beat when he saw Kilig walking ahead of him, oblivious. His jog slowly stopped and he panted, incredulous. Kilig was back. But he hadn't shown up at the school. Hakeem resumed walking to catch up with Kilig and almost touched him to stop him.
"Kilig," escaped from his lips and that was enough to make the former assassin turn, puzzled at first.
Hakeem lost himself in the brown eyes, opening his mouth to speak, but no words came out.
"Hello, Hakeem." The soft, husky voice sent a shiver down his spine, but Kilig didn't smile.
And Hakeem's soaring hope plummeted as he realized there was no love left in Kilig's eyes. Kilig didn't love him anymore.
Hakeem lowered his eyes, but didn't focus on the cobbles under his feet.
"Welcome back," he said with a strangled voice. He couldn't look at Kilig's impassive face anymore.
His legs urged him to run again, and he just took off, running, running until he collapsed breathless on the river shore, blinded by his tears, choking on his sobs. He curled up into a ball on the wooden pier he'd ended up on and wept, oblivious of everything around him.
***
Kilig slowly went back to Gauri, pondering the quick meeting. Hakeem looked haunted – hopeful, but ashamed of himself. And Kilig felt only pity for the green-eyed young man now. He tried to remember the passion he'd felt, but it was gone. He could tell Hakeem was unhappy, but couldn't do much about it. Hakeem was mostly unhappy with himself, so what could he do? Forgive him for cheating? That wouldn't bring back the
feelings he'd had for Saif's son.
He wondered if he should try to talk to Hakeem, visit him at the school and give him some advice. Hakeem obviously hadn't moved on from their relationship, in spite of sleeping with his first love and his childhood friend. Hakeem still loved him and hoped to rekindle their relationship – or maybe not. Who knew what he'd done in the six months gone by.
"What is it, Karuna?" Gauri asked, seeing him so thoughtful.
So he told her of his long relationship with Hakeem and how it had ended. Gauri listened without comment and sighed at the end.
"Karuna, he's not your son. You're not responsible for him. Maybe he'll finally grow up if you leave him alone..."
"You're right." Kilig felt slightly relieved at the thought. "I just feel sorry for him. He's almost twenty-seven and still can't take responsibility for his mistakes..."
"He will learn." Gauri smiled. "Don't let him give you heartache."
"He did, but it's gone now. I'm finally over him. I only want him to be happy."
"Telling him what he should do won't help, Karuna. He knows you're back. If he wants to talk, he'll find you."
***
Hakeem went back to the school in a daze. He went straight to the room he shared with Rohini and Aditya and slumped on his cot, staring into space.
I'm done. Kilig doesn't love me anymore. I want out of this awful life. I can't do this anymore.
He was exhausted from crying and hurt everywhere even if his body hadn't been touched. His inner pain was spreading through his body and he shivered, holding a moan as he closed his eyes.
Gods help me!
He didn't know which god to pray to. The Supreme Being? The Blackmore gods? The southern gods? Zindagi, goddess of life in southern Agharek? The Immortals, whoever they were?
He curled up into a ball again, shivering, feeling cold inside. His heart was breaking into so many pieces he would never be able to put it back together. He only wanted to pass out and wake up when everything was over. Or not wake up at all.
He could join his parents in oblivion. Except he was too cowardly to end his life.
But Kilig was an assassin.
Kilig & Hakeem Page 16