“That’s not safe.”
“I know. But let’s not talk about it now,” she said, leading him through her dark house down a hallway that led to a large master bedroom. She let go of his hand when they entered and went to turn on the bedside lamp. Then she kicked off her shoes as he stood there in the doorway.
He was taking in the room with the clean white comforter and piles of pillows when she whipped her dress up over her head and tossed it on the floor at his feet. She stood there wearing a pair of tiny panties and a lacy bra.
He fumbled to get his boots off, toeing them off one at a time and then tugged his T-shirt up over his head, wrenching his shoulder but he ignored the slight pain. He carefully undid his jeans and shoved them down his legs with his underwear.
“I do love the way you look,” she said. “I haven’t ever seen you totally naked before. Damn, Cal.”
“Damn, yourself, honey. I’m so glad we’re here and not in my truck.”
She laughed and then shook her head at him. “Me too.”
He hoped this night would lead to something more than lust but honestly, at this moment, with her smiling and holding her hand out to him, he didn’t think he could ask for anything more.
He walked over to her, slowly because he had the feeling that if he didn’t keep a tight leash on his control, he’d tumble her to the bed and it would be over too quickly.
“I always thought you were too beautiful for me,” he said, the words torn from some place deep in his soul that he tried to ignore. He’d buried the hurt he felt when she’d left him but a part of him always knew it was there.
“Not at all,” she said. “You used to make me feel pretty.”
“You were a model, honey,” he said, gently.
“To be a good model, you have to be different. I’ve heard all the things that are wrong with my features and my body.”
“Your body?”
“My boobs are too small, my hips are a little bigger than they’d like…but that doesn’t matter. I’m not modeling anymore.”
“Good. Whoever said that to you was nuts. You’re perfect.”
“I’m glad you think so,” she said.
“I do,” he confirmed closing the distance between them, running his finger down the center of her torso and cupping one of her breasts. It was just right for his palm, he thought. “Perfection.”
She made a soft sound and when he looked into her eyes, she blushed. “You are too good for me.”
“Not at all,” he said. “I’m an outlaw.”
He lifted her off her feet and then carefully fell on top of her on the bed, using his hand to catch his weight. He shifted her around until she was spread out on the bed. He held her hands over her head with one hand, lowering his mouth to find hers. He kissed and nibbled.
He reached between her legs, pushing the gusset of her panties to one side. As he took his mouth from hers he shifted back on his heels to look at her. Her pubic hair was neatly trimmed and her flesh so delicate as he leaned down, parting her with his fingers. Her skin was a delicate pink and the little nub at the center swollen with need. He gently caressed her. Her hips shifted a little bit left to right. He touched her gently in a circular motion and she moaned. A sound of approval. He continued to move his finger over her before he leaned down closer.
He breathed on her skin, watching her legs fall wider apart as she lifted her hips toward him, presenting her body to him. She grabbed his head and her legs undulated next to him, one of them falling over his shoulder as he licked at her delicate flesh. He traced her core with his finger, just teasing the opening and then slowly pushed one finger up inside of her. Her hips jerked upright and he continued to nibble.
He added a second finger inside of her and thrust them deep and deeper. She was the perfect dessert on this starry night. She felt like everything to him in this moment. He was rock hard, his cock straining. He continued moving his mouth over her, until he felt her body start to tighten around his fingers. She arched her back and cried his name.
He lifted his head, pulled his fingers from her body and looked up at her. There was a flush to her body and her breath sawed in and out causing her breasts to rise and fall rapidly.
She took his erection in her hand and his hips jerked forward as she stroked him up and down. Her touch sent shudders of need through him. He’d been with a lot of women trying to forget her over the years and it was only now that he was in her arms that he realized how stupid that had been.
No other woman could make him forget Amelia.
She traced his length up and down, her fingernail scraping over his skin. She took his shaft in one hand, stroking him in her fist. Moving it up and down in a slow and sensuous movement that made his balls tighten. She skimmed her finger over the tip of his erection when she reached the top and his hips jerked forward again.
He ran his hands down her spine; she arched over him and brought her mouth down hard on his. She took one of his hands and brought it to her breast. He cupped it and then rubbed his entire body against hers, taking her hands in his and stretching them up over her head. He pushed one of his thighs between her legs and they moved to make room for his hips. He felt them come up around his waist and he shifted back until he found her opening with the tip of his erection, then slowly thrust into her.
Damn she felt so good.
She always did, he thought, but this was different. He was different this time. This time he knew he wanted her not just underneath him tonight, but in his arms forever.
He sucked her tongue deeper into his mouth as he was fully seated inside of her. He paused, letting her body adjust to his size and then she shifted, rocking back up until he was almost completely out of her before plunging back on him.
She tore her mouth from his, tipping her head back as she rode him, hard. He grabbed her hips, clutching at her buttocks, running his finger along the crease between them as he drove himself up into her and pulled her down against them. The fire of sex engulfed them both as they drove themselves harder and harder until she screamed his name and he felt her tightening around his cock. He held her hips hard against him as he continued to thrust up into her, sucking her nipple deeper into his mouth until he felt his balls tighten and he came, emptying himself as he continued to thrust into her until he was spent.
He collapsed on top of her, careful to support his own weight, tucking his head against her shoulder and letting his breath stir the hair that had come loose and hung over both of them. He pulled her into his arms and rolled to his side, scooting around on the bed until they were both under the covers and he only had one pillow under his head.
“I liked that. We’re good in a bed,” she said.
“We are,” he said, but he didn’t want to talk right now so he reached around her, turned off the light on the nightstand, then pulled her into his arms, where she curled against him. She rested her head over his heart, and he watched her until he drifted off to sleep.
Chapter Fourteen
The next morning, she rolled over and found the space next to her empty. Sitting up in the bed, she stared at the pillow where Cal had rested his head and touched it, lifting it up and hugging it to her chest. It smelled faintly of his aftershave. She closed her eyes and wanted to pretend he was still with her, but the truth was, he’d been wise to leave.
She was usually the one to leave so she didn’t have to wake up like this. Somehow it was different when she woke up in her own home alone. She hadn’t thought this through last night. She could blame it on the moon or the moonshine or a million other things that she knew in her gut weren’t the real culprits. It was Cal. And how she felt about him. She was always so careful not to allow a man—or anyone for that matter—to get too close. When she was with Cal, she felt like she was enough. That none of the secrets of her past or the dumb things she’d done when she was a teenager mattered. He made her realize she was enough. That was a gift she hadn’t expected from him and one she could never hope to repay. While she
didn’t think that Cal had some secret he hadn’t shared with her that would shake her to her core, another part of her wanted to be more cynical.
And she had been that way with all the other guys she’d had relationships with. But this was Cal. Cal, who was big and strong and always was just there for her, for his brothers, for the town. He’d slipped past her guard…distracted her with his hot body and those sultry looks he gave her.
What was she going to do?
Luckily, he left early enough that her neighbors wouldn’t wake up and see his truck parked in her driveway. She wasn’t flattering herself that people were watching her. They lived in a small town, after all. Gossip was the lifeblood of this place and many people would know that she’d left him when they were in high school. It wouldn’t make him look good to be seen with her again.
But she missed him. She wished, not for the first time, that she’d been smarter when she’d been a teen. The choices she had made then were still rippling forward and causing repercussions she’d never even guessed at.
She heard a noise in the kitchen. Was he still here?
She got out of bed and grabbed her robe and started walking down the hall cautiously. It could be her parents or one of her sisters and honestly, the way Sheriff Highwater ran this town she wasn’t expecting a burglar, but she shouldn’t rule that out either.
She peeked around the corner and saw Cal standing there wearing nothing but his boxers, his head lowered, and his arms braced on the countertop. Next to him were two mugs and she could see the steam rising off of them.
“Cal? What is it?” she asked, going to him and wrapping her arms around him from behind. She rested her head in the hollow between his shoulder blades and held him close. He was probably thinking of his sister and his grief. She wished she could take that away from him.
He turned in her arms, sighing as he did so. “I don’t know where this is going.”
“Us?” she asked, stepping back from him. Where did he want it to go? She knew he was dealing with a lot of stuff right now and she didn’t want to pressure him or herself. She liked what was happening between them.
“Yeah. I know we’ve only hooked up twice but it feels like something more and you’re the one woman who has left me, more than once, so I don’t want to come off looking like a chump and expecting you to want something more than sex.”
She looked at him for a long minute and then broke, letting her gaze fall to the floor. What did she expect? What did she want? She hadn’t thought about the impact of her actions on Cal. She had left him twice. Once of course she’d been young, but she’d cared about him. She should have talked to him that night. And then of course there was the evening on his porch swing, right after his sister’s death. She’d just walked away.
“I don’t know. I’m not going to lie to you ever, Cal, but honestly, I don’t know what’s next. I like you. I always have. But there is also this part of me that is always holding back, that’s afraid to let myself really care for you in case…”
“In case what? I’m not your folks. Hell, I’m not even the guy who sired you and walked away. It’s me, Cal Delaney, who you’ve known your entire life. The guy who used to always pick you for my team at recess because I liked your smile. I need you to be all in on this. Because I can pretend that I’m cool with whatever you say when I’m not,” he said. “Damn me. My timing sucks because I know this looks like me being needy because of everything that happened with Rose—”
“It doesn’t. You’re not that kind of guy, Cal. I’ve known that even when I wasn’t sure of anything else. You’re solid. You always know what you’re going to do, and you don’t hesitate.”
“How is that a bad thing?” he asked.
“I don’t know. I just know that I’m not sure of myself and if I hurt you, I’d never be able to live with myself. And it’s not just you I’d hurt but little Lane too. I don’t want to do that.”
But really, did she need him to say it out loud to confirm what she already knew? She was one of those people who tried to always be honest even when the cost was high. She felt the pain in her stomach and in her heart as she stood in front of him. She’d hurt him in a way that she’d never wanted to. And now the one man she’d let slip past her guard was asking her not to do it again. Not to hurt him again and she couldn’t promise she wouldn’t. She couldn’t promise that she wouldn’t feel scared and bolt as she had before.
Both continued to stare at each other and she realized his silence was the answer she didn’t want to hear.
*
Cal didn’t know how to answer her. He wanted to be honest, but he could already see the hurt on her face. He just didn’t want to be one more person in her life who did that to her. In the back of his mind, he heard his dad’s voice telling him he was a pussy when it came to women. Gotta love the old man and his “blunt” talk. But there was some truth to it. He loved her.
Damn.
He did love her.
Well hell, he’d probably loved her since she left him back in high school. But he’d been able to ignore it because life had a lot to offer him when he’d been a star football player, recruited to play college ball and then moving on to the pros. He’d been a top ten draft pick and an all-star but none of that mattered.
Same as it didn’t really matter who Amelia’s daddy was or what she thought about any of that. He still loved her and nothing was going to change that. He just had to figure out exactly how much he could take.
Grief for Rose and guilt about TJ weighed heavy on him. He could let himself fall into that as a distraction from the pain of knowing he loved her and she wasn’t ready to even commit to more than sleeping together occasionally.
He should just walk away.
But it was Amelia.
“You can say it,” she said. “We both know it. Coming home for Mom didn’t change who I was.”
“I never said it did.” Her pain had formed her into the woman she was today. She was strong and sexy and sweet. But she couldn’t trust. Not really. Could he gamble his heart and his future on her?
He wanted to think that it wouldn’t be a gamble. Braden had always said he had the devil’s own luck with women; except with Amelia, he felt like he was the one drowning in temptation.
“I wish it had. I wish hearing the explanation of why she did what she did made it all okay, but I still can’t square that with something inside of me. I feel broken and not good enough,” she said, wrapping her arms around her waist and he wanted to go to her, wrap her in his arms and reassure her she was enough. More than enough.
But he wasn’t the man she needed to hear that from. And until she made her peace with her past and with Jax Williams, she was never going to be able to move forward. This wasn’t his battle to fight. Not one he could go in and fight for her. He knew that. He wished it was different but wishing had never changed anything.
“I’m sorry for the shit hand you got dealt and that you had to deal with all of it when you weren’t old enough to really get it,” he said at last. He finally realized why Rose had kept trying with TJ. She had told Cal how much she loved her boyfriend and he had dismissed it because until this moment, he’d never loved anyone that much.
But now he did.
And it sucked. He couldn’t fix her or fix things for her. He couldn’t make her stay much the same way Rose hadn’t been able to keep TJ by her side. Cal knew he was going to have to let her go. Walk away from her this time and if it was right…if it was meant to be, she’d come back to him.
“I’m sorry I didn’t realize the impact of my actions. I was so selfish and scared that it never occurred to me that what I was doing would have a lasting effect on you,” she said.
He nodded. “It’s okay. I haven’t had it that bad. My life is good and I think it would be even better with you, honey, if you would just take a chance.”
She nodded, but it was too quick to be sincere and he knew that deep in his soul. She nibbled on her lower lip and a part of him tho
ught he should just take her back to bed and then leave while she was showering or sleeping or something like that. But if he slept with her again, he’d never recover. If he ended this now, in her kitchen with the smell of spring flowers and coffee in the air, he might be able to move on.
Even as he told himself that, he knew it was a lie. But he shook that off. If he was leaving her—and he was definitely going to do that—he needed to believe that it wasn’t forever.
“It’s not the past that I’m concerned about. We were kids.”
“We were. I don’t know what you want from me. I could lie and say sure I want something more but, in the end, I don’t know what’s going to happen between us,” she said. “And then it would still hurt. But this way we can just enjoy being with each other—”
“I can’t. I want more,” he admitted.
“Okay. That’s it then. There is no middle ground—”
“What kind of middle ground? I love you, Amelia. I’m not going to pretend that I don’t care for you or that I think I could care about you. I’m not someone who runs around telling women he loves them all the time. But you are different. I guess I’ve always known that. But taking whatever you can give me? Making do with less than what I know what we could have if you’d just let go of your past? I can’t do that.”
“I didn’t ask you to,” she said.
“Good, because I won’t. You know my family history. You know how cursed we are at love, but we still keep trying, each new generation hoping they’ll be the ones to break the curse… But instead, we fall again and again for someone who is destined to break them.”
*
She turned away from him and walked over to the window that looked out over her backyard. The yard was overgrown and needed a lot of work. That had been part of the appeal when she’d come back to Last Stand. A chance to be outside, something she’d never had a chance to do when she was in New York. To take the time she needed to fix the areas of life that needed fixing.
But as soon as she’d seen Cal, everything had gotten messed up in her head. She’d lost herself in him. He was the one guy she’d known before her life had gotten screwed up and she had always thought he was different. But he wasn’t a man who was good at waiting around and she couldn’t ask him to.
Her Texas Ex Page 13