Henry: That has a nice ring to it.
Tanner: It really does.
Austin, Texas was a lot prettier than Henry imagined before he started visiting here six months ago, or maybe the place was growing on him. The view of Lake Travis from his small cabin was amazing. Henry wished it brought him peace. Nothing did. This place came close, though. That was why he kept coming back. Sort of. Back home, in California, Henry saw Legend’s face everywhere. Quite literally since Legend married into one of the richest families in the world. That meant Legend attended all the same events, ran in the same circles, and had the life Henry had hoped to give him. Anytime Legend’s sexy blue gaze moved his way, it was like Henry was a stranger. Legend never acknowledged him at all. It was Henry’s fault. He was the one who fucked up. It was a hard pill to swallow.
As sad as it was for him to confess, at fifty-two Henry still hadn’t truly lived. For many years he had been held back by convention. In his glory days, men like him had to keep their sexuality hidden. While he had several secret rendezvous with beautiful men, Henry had never been given the privilege of showing one off to the world as his. That was also thanks in part to his shitty family. Then, one day, he had woken up old and the moment was lost. He had thought his chance was gone.
Then, two years ago, Henry met a male escort—Legend. It was such a fitting name. Unlike most escorts, Legend went by his real name. He chose his clients and never messed with anyone who didn’t treat him like he deserved. Legend was genuine and sweet. Henry found himself searching for more and more reasons to hire him. He always chose weekend long events so he could have as much of Legend as possible. Sometimes, he even traveled out of state to events just to have a reason for Legend to be there. The closer he got to Legend, the harder it became to be around him, because Legend owned his heart. Henry knew it was stupid. He shouldn’t have let things get so far. It was Legend. He was everything Henry wished he could have and felt he missed when he was young enough to have him.
Then, the oddest thing happened, Henry heard himself asking to marry Legend. Once the offer was out there, Henry knew they were at a crossroads. Either Legend would accept, and Henry would have to deal with knowing Legend only wanted his money, or Legend would decline, and Henry would never see him again. Except, as it turned out, there was another option Henry had been too blind to see—Legend genuinely wanting him too. That’s where things took a turn, and Henry lost Legend through his own stupidity and blindness. Actually, it was worse than that. Legend had blindsided Henry by taking him to bed and leaving Henry feeling like they could be real. Henry had repaid him by sneaking away in the middle of the night. It definitely wasn’t his finest hour. Now, his chance was gone, and Henry couldn’t stop running. Unfortunately, he was one hundred percent certain he wasn’t running away anymore. Instead, he was running toward making all the same mistakes with someone new. Because Henry could not stay away from Tanner. He had tried. Between every visit, he told himself he wouldn’t return to this town. Henry never lasted more than two weeks without Tanner. The man ruled his every thought. Henry had gone farther to make Tanner his than he had ever dreamed of going for Legend. In truth, Tanner scared the hell out of him. Henry didn’t know how to stop.
Warm lips brushed his nape. Henry’s eyes fell closed. He sucked in a breath as his body immediately responded. Henry would know Tanner’s lips in the dark and surrounded by a thousand other people. A single red rose appeared in front of him. Henry’s heart skipped a beat. “You’re regretting me again. I can practically taste it.” Tanner’s arms encircled him. Henry found himself cradled against the world’s sexiest chest as he brought the rose to his nose. Still, Henry didn’t tear his gaze from the view through his French doors.
“No.” Henry wasn’t sure it wasn’t a lie.
Tanner brushed a kiss across the shell of his ear. “It’s okay. I can go.”
Henry found the strength to turn. Forest green eyes met him. They were filled with understanding and a hint of hurt. Tanner was so big and comfy. He was nice and sexy. He was also half Henry’s age and wouldn’t be here if Henry hadn’t hired him. Self-hatred swelled his throat. Tanner confused him. Henry no longer had the strength to save himself.
“You returned my last fee again.”
A smirk touched Tanner’s lips. He undid Henry’s tie and popped the top button on Henry’s shirt. “If I have my way, you’ll get your fee back for today too.” He kept unbuttoning Henry’s shirt without an ounce of shame. “I’ve told you I don’t have sex for money.” Tanner paused. “Unless you don’t want me.”
Panic rose in Henry’s chest. Tanner couldn’t leave. “You know I do.”
Tanner shuffled closer. Desire owned Henry. “Do you? I’m not so sure today.”
Tanner always made him brave. He never expected to have someone so incredibly sexy want him. There was no doubt that he did. The flush on Tanner’s cheeks and the erection poking Henry couldn’t be faked. Henry’s fingers went to the button on Tanner’s jeans. He popped the button and slid Tanner’s zipper down. “Are you still doubting me? I didn’t come thirteen hundred miles for anyone else.” He dipped his head and kissed Tanner’s collarbone. “I’m here for you.”
A sexy rumble of laughter vibrated from Tanner’s chest. “I guess you’re taking your money back then.”
Goddamn. Henry didn’t know what to think. He didn’t understand why Tanner kept returning his money. The man didn’t try to see him if Henry didn’t hire him, yet he always refunded any fees Henry paid. Henry thought he had been confused while falling for Legend. Falling for Tanner was so much worse. There were no clear lines. Legend had always been a professional before Henry wiped away those lines. Tanner never tried to be professional. He never pretended to be working. It was as if they were a couple, except they weren’t, and it was hell. Tanner owned all of Henry’s thoughts. He woke in the middle of the night when they weren’t together, burning for Tanner. It was odd how willing he had been to marry Legend, yet what he felt for Tanner eclipsed everything, and Henry didn’t know how to give him an inch. That realization had Henry slipping to his knees and leaving the rose on the floor.
The sound Tanner made as Henry circled his crown with his tongue made the muscles in Henry’s stomach contract. For a full minute, he couldn’t do anything but try to drag that noise from Tanner again. Henry wanted it. His gaze flipped upward. Tanner stared down at him with flushed cheeks and crazed eyes. Pride swelled Henry’s chest. He took Tanner down his throat. Tanner growled—like a wild animal. In that moment, Henry would have done anything for Tanner. He was that desperate to own him.
Tanner snagged his arms and urged him to his feet. Henry nearly whimpered at the loss of Tanner’s cock. Tanner shushed him, making Henry wonder if he had made the noise after all. “I love your mouth.” Tanner chuckled. It was a soft and sexy rumble. “A little too much. I want to come inside you while you’re straddling my hips.”
Henry couldn’t argue with the picture Tanner painted. He let Tanner lead him to the bedroom. Henry stood still while Tanner stripped away the last of their clothing. There was something hypnotizing about Tanner. He made Henry useless. When Tanner wasn’t around, Henry had tons of fantasies about taking control, bringing this huge cub to his knees. It never happened in reality. The second they were together, Henry was always enslaved.
Tanner sat on the edge of the bed. Henry stood entranced by the vision Tanner presented while rolling on a condom and oiling up the sheath. Tanner’s gaze met his. Henry’s heartbeat pounded in his ears. Tanner’s hands found Henry’s ass. He lured Henry closer, holding Henry’s stare as he urged Henry to straddle his lap. Each breath came harder than the last. Henry braced his hands on Tanner’s wide shoulders. Tanner’s gorgeous green gaze held him hostage. Henry’s breath left him on a gasp as Tanner fingered his hole, stretching him and making room for a larger intrusion.
“You’re so gorgeous,” Tanner said, sounding sincere and turned on. “I think about having you like this nonstop. You ha
ve no idea how much I crave the way you’re looking at me right now—like no other men exist. Like I’m it for you.”
The desire to say Tanner was it for him rose in Henry’s throat until he thought he might choke on the confession. Tanner’s huge cock filled Henry’s ass. The ability to think or speak left Henry. All he could do was feel. Tanner fell backward, as if surrendering, and giving Henry the freedom to do whatever he wanted to Tanner’s body. His gaze moved over the huge expanse of hairy chest. Henry’s cock leaked. He couldn’t stop himself from moving, riding Tanner, and using him to get off. Henry didn’t hesitate to find the perfect angle. The way Tanner watched him through half-closed lids and with parted lips drove Henry. As Henry set a pace to please, Tanner lightly stroked Henry’s cock, making him crazy.
“That’s it, baby,” Tanner said, praising him. “Ride me. Take what you want.” His touch firmed until Henry was torn between fucking his palm and taking Tanner’s dick as hard as possible. He wanted everything. “Mhmm. I want your cum on my skin. Drown me in it, sexy.” Between Tanner’s words and the vision he presented, Henry was right on the edge. Tanner stroked faster. Henry held his breath and thrust against Tanner’s palm while taking his dick. Everything slowed. It was like time stopped and took a breath before ecstasy washed over Henry. His body shook from the power of the orgasm rolling over him. He was useless. Tanner rolled, pinning Henry beneath his huge body. He turned wild, using Henry’s body. Cries clogged Henry’s throat as Tanner slammed inside him. Henry gasped open mouthed, trying to drag air into his lungs while Tanner pounded that internal button that made Henry a mess. Words left him. Henry had no clue what he said. He imagined he begged for the abuse. Harder. Faster. More. It would never be enough. Even if Tanner spent the next fifty years fucking him, it wouldn’t be enough to satisfy Henry’s heart. Henry was screwed—literally and figuratively. He wanted this man. This one. No other person would ever be enough, and Henry had no idea where to go with that. He had no idea how to win him.
Tanner couldn’t stop stealing tastes of Henry’s skin. Henry had bought this cabin six months ago, not long after their first night together. He kept coming back and Tanner couldn’t stay away. The more time Tanner spent with Henry, the more he wanted. Tanner couldn’t explain what happened the first night they fell into bed together. They had been in Tanner’s room, talking about Henry’s plans for the evening. Henry had looked at Tanner, and said, “You’re such an amazing person.” Then, Henry had blushed like he couldn’t believe he had said the words out loud. Hunger like Tanner had never experienced had washed over him in that moment. To be honest, he had somewhat fallen on Henry like a starving man, ripping away his clothes and biting at his skin. Henry had given it back every bit as desperately. In that moment, Tanner knew he had connected with a soul every bit as lonely as him. Tanner had been incapable of staying away ever since. They had something beautiful. Something real. He needed more. Tanner didn’t know what it was about the man. He just made Tanner feel powerful and irresistible, yet comforted. Since Tanner hadn’t felt cared for or comfortable anywhere since he was seven, Henry was like crack for Tanner. There was no chance he could quit him.
Since starting Cubs for Rent, Tanner had been hired for dozens of odd reasons—dates for events, a dinner with one girl’s family so they wouldn’t know she preferred women, and the occasional home repair or heavy lifting job. In every case, Tanner had known the exact place to draw the line. There were no lines with Henry. While sometimes they talked for hours first, they always ended up here. In this bed. They had an intense connection Tanner didn’t understand. The one thing he knew was he didn’t want to be with anyone else.
Tanner kissed the corner of Henry’s mouth. A hum rose in his throat. The desire to keep Henry with him forever—to show him off to the world—was overwhelming him. “You should let me take you to dinner. I want to make everyone jealous.”
“I’d love to go to dinner with you, if you’ll let me pay you for your time. I don’t feel right spending time with you for free.”
Tanner froze. A self-deprecating smile tugged at Tanner’s lips. Every time. Every fucking time, Tanner let Henry suck him in. He shook his head. The fake smile he wore grew becoming a derisive snort. This was the other thing he knew about his so-called relationship with Henry. Tanner was alone in his feelings. While Henry obviously enjoyed fucking Tanner, that was where things ended for Henry. Tanner meant nothing to him. Tanner didn’t know how to stop being the whore.
“What?”
At Henry’s question, Tanner focused on him. He took a breath. This moment had been six months in the making. “All right, but maybe don’t hire me anymore after tonight.”
Henry blinked, looking like Tanner slapped him. He cleared his throat, visibly trying to temper his reaction. “Can I ask why?”
Tanner pursed his lips, fighting against himself. He didn’t want this. He didn’t want to lose Henry, but he also couldn’t make Henry want him. Tanner slipped from the bed and gathered his clothes. He didn’t focus on Henry again until he was dressed and positive of his own mind. “I’ve been returning your money for over six months. If you haven’t figured out why by now, you won’t ever. It’s long past the time I should accept that and find someone who wants me.”
Henry’s expression transformed from confused to irritated. “Are you really trying to claim that you want more with me? If I didn’t hire you, I wouldn’t get to see you at all. You don’t call or text unless it’s to discuss me hiring you for the weekend. You don’t have anything to do with me beyond that if I’m not here. I hire you and you show up. Other than refunding my money, you’re not exactly fighting to be with me.”
Tanner didn’t want to fight. It was possible he had a touch of PTSD from his father’s constant anger. He couldn’t tolerate yelling or that feeling in his gut when someone was angry with him. Henry spoiling for a fight had him wanting to apologize to keep the peace, but he couldn’t cheat himself any longer with Henry. He took a breath. “I’m sorry.” Fuck. He always ended up apologizing. A sad smile touched his lips. He softened his voice. “You don’t want me, baby. If I called or texted between visits, you would never come here. Only the fact that you haven’t heard from me keeps you hiring me. I don’t know if you’re ashamed of me for some reason. Or hell, maybe the idea of dating anyone exclusively is distasteful to you. No matter the reason, I can’t let you keep trying to buy me so you can keep walking away guilt free.”
“That’s not—”
Tanner made a slashing motion, cutting Henry off before things got heated. He held Henry’s stare, hoping he would see Tanner’s honesty. “I want to be with you.” Tanner needed Henry to see him and believe him. “For me, being with you is real and could be amazing. But I can’t make you feel what you don’t, and if you felt anything for me, you wouldn’t be trying to pay me right now.”
Henry made a helpless gesture. “I bought this cabin to be near you. Why would I do that if I didn’t care about you?”
It took every ounce of Tanner’s self-control not to roll his eyes. “Did you? Or did you buy this place so you could hide me from society? After all, if Legend doesn’t know about me, then you’ll still be free if his marriage doesn’t work out, and he decides to come back.”
For the first time ever, Tanner seemed to hit a nerve. Henry’s face hardened. “This has nothing to do with Legend. We,” he said motioning between them. “have nothing to do with Legend.”
Tanner bit back a growl. “This has everything to do with him. I’m tired of keeping you company while you wait for him. I sick of being your second choice.”
“You’re not.”
A wave of sadness washed over Tanner. He shook his head, fighting back the depression that always threatened to overwhelm him. For a moment, he stared at Henry, wishing every word was true, but it wasn’t, and he couldn’t pretend any longer. “Fine. I guess I’m just the first loser then.”
Exasperation etched every line of Henry’s body. “That’s just saying the
same thing in a different way.”
“Exactly.” Tanner walked away before he slipped back into the dark place he had been before tons of counseling and Henry came along. Maybe he had some daddy issues and that kept him clinging to the first older man who treated him kindly. It’s not like he would know. That didn’t mean he had to let another older man destroy his peace again. Sometimes he had to choose—his heart or his mind. In the end, it was much easier for him to deal with a broken heart. He might not survive another broken mind.
Three
Tanner: What do you have going on tonight?
Tucker: I’m working the door at Howling Twister.
Tanner: ?? How did that happen?
Tucker: I volunteered. They’re donating all their profits tonight to that friend of Toby’s who had that bad wreck. To pull it off, they needed volunteers.
Tanner. Oh. That’s awesome. I might stop by.
Tucker: I’ll be here.
Henry: I’m sorry. May I please see you tonight?
Tanner: Can’t. Howling Twister is donating tonight’s profits to my brother’s friend who was in a wreck. I said I’d go.
Henry: Just five minutes. That’s all I need.
Henry: I take your lack of response as a no.
Tanner: I was in the shower, but you’ve had lots of time to figure things out. I’m sorry. Truly, I am. But you don’t want me, not really, and I’m tired of waiting to be graced with scraps of your time. Maybe I don’t really know my worth, but you sure as hell don’t either.
The parking lot of Howling Twister bar was slammed. Tanner hoped that meant lots of money being raised. He couldn’t imagine being in Toby’s friend’s shoes. Loyal had gone from an active lifestyle to trapped in a wheelchair overnight. It all sounded like a nightmare to him. Toby and Loyal hadn’t talked in a while—for good reason, but if Tanner and his brothers knew nothing else, they understood feeling helpless. Tanner wasn’t surprised Toby and Tucker were volunteering their time. If Tanner hadn’t been so focused on someone who didn’t even want him, Tanner might have been around to find some way to help too.
First Loser Page 2