“I’m impressed.” I get this warm fuzzy feeling inside because I can see he means it. Rage doesn’t just dish out compliments.
We look at each other for a while. The seconds tick down. Then Rage clears his throat. “Okay, so no one is falling in love with anyone else. We’ve established that. What other reason do you have for turning me down? I thought you wanted this? I thought it was an unavoidable necessity.”
“That’s just it. I only want this if you want this, and I can see that you don’t. It’ll be like a chore for you. I think if I asked you to mop the floor and take out the trash, you’d show more enthusiasm.”
Rage laughs. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him laugh. I’ve seen his lip twitch. I’ve heard him grunt or cough or snort. He’s never all-out laughed until right now.
“What?” I ask because he’s freaking me out here. Not that he isn’t beautiful laughing, because he absolutely is. It’s just that this isn’t him. He doesn’t look like himself at all. He finally stops. There’s still a smile on his face. “A chore…” He breaks out in laughter all over again. “No, Nia, you have this wrong. It wouldn’t be a chore. Not even close. I would absolutely love to push into your tight pussy,” his voice drops a few octaves, “until I’m balls deep.”
There it is again…that zing between my legs. It feels good, but it also feels… I want him to touch me so badly. I want…I want… I’m not sure what I want. There is this need unfurling inside me. A need for…I know what I need…it isn’t going to happen, though.
“I’ll be quite fucking happy inside you. It’s you I’m worried about. You need someone…better than me.”
“You’re bad at sex?” I ask. “I don’t mind. It isn’t—”
“I’m going to assume that you need me to come. This won’t work otherwise,” Rage cuts in. “I have two condoms.”
I nod. “Yes, I need you to come, only…” I bite on my bottom lip for a second. “The condom is going to be a problem because I need your semen inside me. At least, according to the tales. I suppose it makes sense if you think about it.”
I see him do a double-take. “No, that’s not going to happen. Shit! You could get pregnant. I don’t want kids. I’ve never wanted to have them.” He looks freaked out. “How about if I come on your back? I’ll pull out at the last second and—”
I shake my head. “Has to be inside me. For the record, I don’t want kids either.” I would want to be in love with their dad. I would want a proper family, and since I can’t fall in love ever again, I’ve resigned myself to never having kids. It’s better that way.
“This keeps getting worse and worse. I doubt you’re on any birth control…” His eyes move to mine.
“I’m not, no, but you can’t get pregnant in the Underworld. You know that, right?”
“Tell that to Twelve,” he throws back at me.
“You absolutely and categorically cannot get pregnant in the Underworld. I’m not sure where Twelve got with child, but it wasn’t down here. You can go and ask Death right now.” I tuck some hair behind my ear. I need this to happen. I only pray it will work. Please let it work!
“I believe you,” he finally says.
“Okay, so let’s get this over with…” I grab my dress, ready to pull it over my head.
“A couple of things first.” I watch his Adam’s apple work.
“What things?”
“I want this to be as good for you as possible.” He is scowling. I’m not sure why that is. I have a feeling I’m about to find out what’s going on with Rage. At least, part of it.
I nod.
He licks his lips, “I’m going to get you nice and wet and make you come before we start.”
“Okay.” Gaire often used to tell me he was going to make me come hard. Then he would pat my leg afterward and ask me if I got there, but he would never wait for an answer. I know why he never waited, because the response would have been ‘no’. I did some research, and it turns out that most women don’t orgasm during sex. That it isn’t the biggest deal. I’ve tried masturbating a couple of times, but it just hasn’t happened for me. Maybe I don’t have the ability. I’m okay with that. Rage seems so sure he can get it right, which is sweet of him. I won’t rain on his parade by saying anything. Anyway, it doesn’t matter. He has to orgasm to make this work, not me. It’s really unfair how these things work.
Rage is looking at the floor. He finally lifts his eyes. “You might not get there during sex.”
And there it is. At least he’s being honest. “That’s fine.” I shrug, meaning it.
“It’s not,” he growls. “It’s not fine at all.” He scrubs a hand over his face, looking frustrated and…nervous. Surely not! I realize that he is nervous. “I um…I can’t…I can’t come unless there’s blood.”
I don’t think I heard him right. “Did you say blood?”
He nods, his eyes are blazing. He looks keyed up.
“Why would you need blood?” I ask. “Are you part vampire?”
His mouth twitches. “No…I’m fucked up. I’m a complete mess, Nia.”
“You’re not! There’s nothing wrong with you. You should stop putting yourself down.”
“That’s just it! I am a mess. I can’t come unless I’m in pain. That normally requires bleeding.” He goes to the desk where he placed his things earlier, and unsheathes a small, sharp-looking blade. “Some guys use porn. Others use lube. I use this.” He holds it up. The handle looks like it’s made of ivory or bone. “I’m a fucking mess.”
“Pain…as in, you need to cut yourself open?”
“Oh, yes.” He widens his eyes.
“Or you can’t come?” This is shocking information.
“Won’t happen otherwise.”
“Why?” I frown. “That doesn’t make any kind of sense. It’s the opposite for most people.”
“That’s what I keep telling you. I’m not most people. It’s just the way I’m wired. I get off on pain. I would prefer it if you were on your knees and if you faced away from me without looking at me. I’m going to assume that blood doesn’t make you squeamish.”
I shrug, “No…not at all.” A year in hell will either kill you or make you as tough as nails.
“Great, then ignore any that lands on you, or the bed, or the walls,” he mumbles, looking everywhere but at me. No wonder he needed to go to that club. No wonder he looks for women like Kitty.
“The walls?” I sound breathless. I can’t believe what I’m hearing. It’s not that I can’t take it, it’s that I feel sorry for him.
He nods once. “I’ll try to make the whole thing as pleasant as possible for you.” He winces.
I nod. “I don’t mind blood. I would prefer if it wasn’t my blood, but if you have to—”
Rage curses. “I won’t hurt you, Nia. You have my word. I won’t be gentle, though. This will be fucking…pure and simple. I don’t do kissing and all of that bull.” He launches into the speech he gives all the women he sleeps with. I can tell.
“I heard all of this the night you gave the low-down to that woman after you left the club. Kitty, I think her name was.” I roll my eyes. “At least I know why you’re not much of a dog lover. You prefer cats.”
“I do not prefer cats.”
I snort. “Could have fooled me.” I’m making a stupid joke to cover how I’m feeling inside. Namely…upset. After everything we’ve been through, he’s still treating me like one of them. A Kitty. Someone from the sex club he frequents. I should feel happy because this is ultimately what I want. No feelings! No attachments. I should feel awesome. I don’t! I just can’t. I don’t sleep around. Sex means something to me. In this instance it’s a means to an end and so I push the emotions aside. They have no place here.
“Kitty was a mistake,” he says, his jaw tight.
“You’re telling me. You can do so much better,” I mutter, sounding jealous.
“Forget that night. Forget Kitty.” His eyes darken. “I hate looking for sex. It’s why I d
on’t do it often. I hate the type of women I am able to take to my bed…although I’ve never actually taken anyone to my own bed. I’m being rhetorical here. It’s always a hotel. I hate it just as much as I hate the actual sex.”
“Why do you do it then?”
“I have needs… more importantly, I feel a little calmer afterward. Calm is important to me. It’s why I fuck on occasion. It’s why I fight often…but without using my powers…never my powers. Everything I do is to maintain balance and order.”
“Five seconds,” I say.
“Five seconds from chaos.” He sort of smiles. Then he turns completely serious. “This is a one-off thing, Nia.”
I snort-laugh. “If I never have sex again after this, I’d be okay with that.” I yank my dress over my head, feeling pissed off. “Don’t you get too comfortable.” I point at him, feeling annoyed.
I lock eyes with Rage…I see…I think I see pity and softness and…desire….heat. He’s looking at me like he’s never looked at me before. Jesus and the saints.
That zing is back between my legs. Only this time, it’s settled in. Here to stay. I’m aching for something…anything. I just want him to touch me. That will be enough.
“I need you to lie down with your legs open. Don’t be afraid. You might just like it this time.” I know when I look into his eyes that he will do his level best to keep me comfortable, and that’s more than enough for me. I nod and do as he asks. I think what makes me most giddy is that he is asking. He isn’t instructing. He’s asking.
My choice.
14
Nia
I lie on the bed and spread my legs. My eyes are on Rage. His brow is creased. His eyes are…different. He’s definitely turned on. “You’re beautiful.” His voice is deep. His muscles are bunched. He looks magnificent.
The bed dips as he kneels between my legs. I wait for him to squeeze my breasts. To shove his tongue down my throat. To plunge into me. It doesn’t happen. “Should I turn over?” I finally ask because he’s just looking at me. I know he said he wanted me on all fours looking away. I assumed, when he told me to open my legs, that he wanted me on my back. Maybe I was wrong.
I start to turn, but Rage grips my hip. “Not yet. I told you I need you wet.”
“Okay. I’m ready,” I say as I turn my head to the side. I put my hands above my head. I squeeze my eyes shut. I wait for the pain. Sex always hurts at first. It gets more bearable as it goes on. There were a couple of times it felt quite good, and then it was over.
I push out a yell as his hot mouth is on me…down there. He’s down there! “Oh. God! Oh!” I yell. He’s licking me. I’ve heard about a guy going down on a girl. Of course I have. It’s never happened to me. Gaire said he didn’t enjoy doing it.
Jesus!
I groan and grip his head in my hands, looking down at him. I’m not sure if I’m allowed to look, but I have to. I just have to. I’m burning up right now. This man is the gasoline, the match, the tinder, and every flame. He’s all of it.
Rage is holding my thighs open, and he’s licking me between my legs with focus and determination. I yell again when he sucks on my clitoris. He stays there, suckling softly. My eyes are huge. I’m breathing like there’s no air. Where did the air go? It didn’t feel like this the handful of times I’ve touched myself. If it did, I would touch myself a lot…all the time. I wouldn’t stop touching myself.
More.
I need more.
I need all of it.
He pushes a finger inside me and groans against my sex. I groan too. Much harder. Much louder. My hands are grabbing at his hair. My hips are now bucking against his mouth. That finger. His mouth. His tongue… Good lord, but that tongue is wicked. I love his tongue.
I feel something deep inside me.
Something.
More of this and…I might…I could…it might happen. I cuss in Celtic. I say a couple more choice words. When he sucks on my clit again, I explode. My back comes off the mattress. I think I scream, but I’m not sure. I ride his face with everything I have. I’m keening now. Still humping him, but that can’t be helped. Then I’m falling back against the mattress, trying to catch my breath.
What the hell just happened?
Oh, my gosh!
I’m in shock.
Total disbelief. “That didn’t just…” I can barely breathe or think.
“That was your first orgasm.” Rage smiles for a few seconds. He looks lighter. He looks…gorgeous. Younger, somehow. Our eyes are locked, and it feels like we’re sharing a moment.
It doesn’t last. He turns serious. “I’m glad it was good.”
“It was better than good.” I’m still breathing hard.
“You have no real reference point. Every first orgasm is amazing.”
“You mean an orgasm can be better than that?” No freaking way.
He nods. “You get orgasms in varying degrees.” I see his cheeks turn pink. “I’ve never been down on a woman before, so…” he shrugs, “I might not have been that good.”
“It was. It really was.”
He throws me a lopsided grin.
“I can’t believe that was your first time,” I say. “You’ve never…done that before?”
“It was,” he says. “And no, never.”
I can believe it. His whole demeanor tells me that he means it. I know that Rage wouldn’t lie. My heart is racing. I feel…special. “Why? Why here and now?” I perversely need to know.
“It’s too intimate. Not something I would normally do. That asshole used you selfishly. He wronged you. I had to do something to make it right.” He shrugs to play it down. Like what he did was nothing. It was a big deal for Rage. I’m touched he did that for me.
I sit up. I want to touch his face. Touch him, but I instinctively know he won’t go for it, so I refrain. “It’s me who’s using you selfishly,” I remind him.
He grunts. Far more like the man I know. “No, Nia. I’m about to use you. I’m about to be as selfish as it gets. Trust me on that. I wanted you to come because you might not be able to when I’m inside you.”
“You’re not a selfish person.” I shake my head. “I don’t believe it.”
“You’d better believe it, sweetheart.” He goes back to treating me like a Kitty. Like I mean nothing. I know deep down that it isn’t true. We can’t fall for one another, but it doesn’t have to be like that either. I’m not Kitty. I’m a fucking hellhound shifter. I’m me!
Irritation wells. “Don’t call me that.”
“Sweetheart is an endearment.”
“I don’t like it.”
“Would you rather I called you Mochyn?” His eyes are glinting with humor.
“Yes, I would.” I keep my chin high. “Mochyn would be preferable to some cheap endearment you use on all the women you sleep with.”
“All the women I sleep with? If I didn’t know better, I would say you were jealous.” His eyes are still glinting. A smile is toying with the edges of his mouth.
“Not jealous. I just happen to have more respect for myself than that.” Gaire lied to me, and later, he treated me like shit. By the time I realized what kind of a man he really was, I was in too deep. It’s not happening again! I won’t be disrespected either. Not by anyone.
“Good to know. I’m happy to hear it.” His eyes seem to become darker, and his jaw tightens. “I need you on your knees for this next part, Nia,” he says; his voice is strained. Rage pulls the towel off, and his cock springs free.
My eyes are drawn to its impressive length and girth. I’m pulled like a moth to a wildfire. I think I might be leaning forward a little more than I was. A drop of precum appears at the tip. I’m fascinated. I’m not sure why, since I’ve seen plenty of naked men before.
I lick my lips and then yelp as he turns me over onto my knees. He hooks an arm under my belly and cages me in with his body, which is hot and hard. His cock is pressing against my ass. I’m feeling a little nervous. Rage is bigger than Gaire. This mi
ght hurt some.
“Eyes to the front,” he commands, though his voice is gentle. “Keep your hands on the bed,” he adds. “I would prefer it if you had a safe word, in case I’m too rough. In case…you don’t like the sex…or you can’t take the blood. Women have cried,” he admits, his voice soft and a little unsure, maybe. “They’ve screamed…I even had one throw up.”
My heart is pounding. “I won’t do any of those things,” I assure him. I think he’s sweet. I feel his hands shake. I think he’s nervous. At least he cares. That’s what I’m getting out of this. Rage cares.
“Say a word, Nia.” The hand on my belly slides between my legs, zoning in on my clit.
“Jesus!” I moan.
“That’s not the best safe word I’ve ever heard.” It sounds like he’s smiling. “You might want to pick again. His finger is rubbing slow, easy circles over my clitoris, which has gone back to being ultra-sensitive. Why doesn’t it feel like this when I touch myself? I don’t get it.
I groan.
“I need a word, Nia.”
“I can’t think.” I moan again.
He stops moving his finger. “What’s the first word that comes to mind?”
“Please.” It sounds like a plea. Who am I kidding? It is one. This already feels good, and he’s not even inside me yet. I refuse to get my hopes up, though.
He chuckles. I feel his body vibrate. “Again, a terrible word. It can’t be deeper, harder, Jesus…God…Rage…yes…please…there…any cuss word. Oh, and faster. All of those are out because you might say one or more and several times.”
“So I should pick something I definitely won’t say during sex…or ever?” My breath is coming in ragged pants. His finger is just sitting there, motionless. It feels like my clit is throbbing beneath it.
“Yes. That’s the general idea. We don’t want confusion. Must be black and white.”
“I pick ‘love’. No chance of that little word slipping out by accident.”
“Perfect.” His finger starts up again, and I groan deep in my throat. “Don’t look at me. I assure you that the image of me during sex is nothing you actually want to see. I’m a mess.”
Lord of Chaos (The Dragon Demigods Book 7) Page 11