I need to let her go!
“I’m not pregnant, Rage. Don’t ask me how I know, I just do.”
I wish she was. I wish it so hard it hurts me inside. I know I’m being stupid, because a pregnancy would force her to stay. I don’t want to force Nia to do anything. If she comes back to me, I want it to be because she’s made the decision. I want her to take the plunge. To dive into the amazing life we could have.
I have to let her go! I must!
“I guess this is goodbye, then,” I say.
She nods. “Thank you for everything. I owe you so much.”
“You don’t owe me anything. I feel like I got closure where Warrick is concerned. I’m not as afraid of my powers. I found out things about myself I wouldn’t have otherwise. I think I’m a better person for knowing you.”
I watch her throat work. “I wish I had met you first. I wish I wasn’t so afraid.” Her eyes cloud up.
There is nothing I can say that would change her mind. Nothing I can do. I have to let her go.
“Take care of yourself.” Her eyes look like they’re glinting. Like maybe she wants to cry. Nia reaches up and kisses me on my cheek.
My fucking cheek.
My chest tightens.
“You too,” I say. I keep my hands firmly in my pockets.
I watch her walk away. I watch Death take her hand. I watch them disappear. I feel the dark descend around me. I feel my scowl return to my face. I feel my mouth set in a grimace. I know it’s corny, but I feel a piece of my heart leave with her. I feel empty in the space it used to fill. The rest of me is bleeding. The old me would take solace in the pain, the suffering. I don’t! I’m forever changed.
25
Rage
Three weeks later…
There is a knock at the door. I ignore it. There are more knocks and shouts. Trident wants me to let him in. I ignore him and turn the sound up. I bought this seventy-inch flat-screen television with surround-sound system two weeks ago. Best buy ever! I’m binge-watching the Lord of the Rings Trilogy. I’m halfway through The Two Towers. My phone pings with a message. I know it’s Trident, but like a complete pussy I check anyway because it could be…her. Maybe…just maybe. I feel hope rise. That same hope is dashed when I see Tri’s name on the screen. I’m a fucking asshole. I want to ignore the messages, but I open them since the phone is in my hand.
I know you’re home.
Let me in!
This isn’t healthy.
I see the three dots that tell me he is writing another message. I groan with irritation and turn my phone over on the coffee table. Then I turn the television sound up even louder.
I keep watching the movie. The knocking and pinging have stopped. Good! I think he’s left. I don’t need the hassle. I want to see what happens next in the movie.
The window is open behind me. The blinds are drawn. I hear Trident. “I know you’re in there,” he yells. “Let me in already.”
Fucking hell!
Whatever happened to privacy?
If I ignore him long enough, he’ll go away. I know this because it isn’t the first time he’s been here. It’s the fifth or the sixth time this week. He’s definitely tenacious. I’ll give him that. Tenacious and irritating.
There’s a loud thump. “Fuck!” Tri growls. He’s inside my house. On the floor. He climbed in through the window.
“You broke into my house.” I sit up on the sofa. “What the fuck, asshole!” I put my movie on pause. “This is a good part. As you can see, I’m absolutely fine. You can go now. You can let yourself out. Use the door this time, you weirdo.”
Trident stands up and dusts off his pants. I might not have vacuumed for a couple of days…a week…maybe more. Time has been a bit blurred. It’s not a biggie, just a bit of dust.
“Fine?” Tri snorts. “You’re not fine. Look at you. Look at this house.” He looks around. “It fucking stinks in here. You stink.” He wrinkles his nose. “When last did you last shower? Look at that shirt. Your hair.”
“What’s wrong with my hair?” I touch it, and it flops into my eyes.
“You need a cut. Worse yet, it’s greasy.” He starts to open the blinds and more windows. He opens the back door. “Air!” he exclaims with so much drama I’m instantly irritated.
“What are you doing?” I yell.
“This place needs ventilation and light.”
I squint as sunlight streams into the room. “Stop that!” I shout. “I’m watching a movie. There’s glare on the screen.”
“You’re a pig!” Tri shouts, his eyes moving about the place.
I shrug. “I had a couple of pizzas.” I look around the room. I hadn’t really noticed, but the counter is covered in takeout boxes. “And some Chinese,” I mumble. “And maybe some—”
“And a couple of beers.” Trident picks up one of the bottles on the coffee table. “And whiskey.”
There are three empty bottles. I shrug. “It’s not like I can get drunk.”
“It’s a fucking pigsty in here. None of us have seen you in weeks.”
“I’m fine.”
“Back to the ‘I’m fine’ bullshit. You, my friend, are not fine at all. You’re wallowing in self-pity, and it has to stop today. Right now. Get up off that sofa!” Tri yells at me.
“No! I’m watching—”
“I don’t give a fuck.” He glances at the screen. There’s a picture of a screaming orc in the midst of battle. He’s an ugly mother.
“Reminds me of someone,” I mutter.
“Don’t you dare. I’m here because I care. I won’t let you wallow for a moment longer.” He grabs a bunch of pizza boxes and opens my trashcan. Then he turns and gags. When he turns back, his eyes are watering.
“I guess I might have forgotten to take out the trash,” I mutter.
“You’re doing it now.” He closes the can with a flourish. “Then you’re showering.”
I mutter something about him being a controlling asshole.
“What was that, you ungrateful ass-hat?” he yells at me.
“I’m going through shit, and you’re here shouting. How’s that helping me?” I shout back.
“Are you looking for sympathy? A shoulder to cry on, perhaps?”
I shake my head.
“I didn’t think so.” He digs through a couple of cupboards in the kitchen until he finds the garbage bags. “You’ve had enough time to feel sorry for yourself. You need to pick yourself up and carry on.”
“I want to watch my movie, and—” I’m not feeling it.
“Manny says you haven’t been to the gym.” He folds his arms.
I shrug.
“No one has seen you,” he tries some more.
“I haven’t felt much like socializing.”
“Listen up and listen good…” Trident is so serious it would be comical if it not for the way I’m feeling inside. “I have a feeling Nia is coming back,” he tells me.
Like a pussy my heart beats a little faster for a moment or two. “Don’t say it.” I stand, pointing a finger at Tri. “Don’t you dare fucking say that.”
“I mean it. You guys had feelings for each other. She had feelings for you, bro.”
I shake my head. “It was one-sided. She was hurt too badly. Her trust broken. That kind of thing takes time to come back from. It could be months…might be never.” I feel my chest tighten. I can’t believe how shitty I feel. How much I miss her.
“I think you’re wrong. Either way, you need to get on with your life. If she comes back to you…to this…” Tri shakes his head. “She’ll turn around and run. If I wasn’t such a good friend, I’d run too.”
“I told you, she’s not coming back.” Unless she’s pregnant. It’s my last hope. A long shot, but a possibility.
“Sort yourself out for you, then. For us, your friends. We’re all worried about you. Clean this house…clean yourself… Fuck!” He makes a face. “Then get back into the gym. You’re looking soft around the middle.”
/> I look down, lifting my stained shirt. My abs are rock hard. Nothing has changed in that department. I have my genes to thank for that. “You might be right,” I say. “You’ll help clean the house?” Now that I’m really looking, I’m shocked at how bad it is. I can smell the trash. I’ve been in a bit of a daze.
Tri rolls his eyes. “The things I do for my friends.” He grins at me. “I’ll help, but then we’re going out.”
I don’t like the prospect much, but Tri is right. I need to get out of this funk. I nod. “Deal.”
26
Nia
One week later…
I look in the mirror. I look the same. I turn to the side and look at my profile. I feel the same as always. My stomach is flat. My breasts are no different. I cup them. There’s no tenderness. They’re not swollen. I don’t have cramps. I normally get cramps just before my menstruation. I should have cramps by now. I think I should have had my menstruation by now.
I undo my jeans and pull them down, sitting on the toilet. My underwear is clean. No blood. I sigh.
It doesn’t mean anything, I tell myself. I get my menstruation every month. I get the signs, and then it comes. The Underworld was a different story. You don’t get your cycle down there. Before then…regular as clockwork. I never timed it, though. I think I might be late. I’m not sure. Or maybe it takes a while for a woman’s cycle to return to normal once she leaves the Underworld. There is that.
I yank up my pants and do up my jeans. I sigh as I walk out of the bathroom.
My mam is in her gown. “Morning, sunshine,” she says. “What’s got you looking so worried?”
“Nothing.” I shake my head.
“Doesn’t look like nothing to me.” She lifts her brows and folds her arms across her ample chest.
I told my mam everything that happened as soon as I got back. All about Gaire…all about how he lied. How manipulative he was. I told her about my time in the Underworld. I also told her about Rage. I left out certain details, but she knows the bigger picture. I’ve cried a lot since coming home. I stayed in my old room for days. She knows we didn’t use protection. She knows that I might be pregnant. She knows that Rage is in love with me and how afraid that made me. How suffocated I felt. My mam knows a lot of things.
She smiles, taking me out of my musings. “You’re from a fertile line,” she says.
“How did you know that it was playing on my mind?” I gush.
“A mam is supposed to know. Not just that; I’m a woman too, you know.” She winks.
“I know, Mam.”
“Let’s go have some tea, and you can tell me all about it.”
I nod. Within five minutes, I have a steaming mug in my hands, and we’re sitting in front of the crackling fire. I feel better already.
“You’re wondering for the hundredth time whether you’re with litter.” She lifts her brows.
I nod. It’s not the hundredth time. It’s more like the thousandth time, and it’s driving me crazy. “I’m being silly,” I say. “I know my cycle is messed up. I was still hoping I’d get my menstruation so that I can relax. The more time that goes by, the more worried I become.” I clutch my mug tighter.
“You’re not being silly. You’re perfectly normal,” she assures me. “Any woman would feel this way. I remember your Tad and I trying. It took about six or seven months. Every month was like what you’re feeling now. Waiting…wondering…hoping.”
I sip my tea.
“I guess it’s different for you since you’re not with Rage. Such a strange name.”
“Mam,” I raise my voice, “you were the one who taught me that things are not always as they seem. His name suits him, and yet…there’s a tenderness in him…a vulnerability, even. He is so much more than his name. Don’t judge him, please.”
She smiles, looking at me from over her mug. “I feel like I almost know him,” she says. “You’ve spoken about him so often.”
“That’s not true. I…” Then again, maybe I have spoken about him regularly. “I guess I can’t help it. He’s on my mind. We went through so much.” I sigh. “I’m driving myself nuts about possibly being pregnant even though I know I’m not.”
My mam gets up. She goes over to the vegetable drawer. It’s where she keeps the potatoes, the squash, and the onions. She rummages through the drawer and pulls out a rectangular box.
“That isn’t what I think it is, is it?” I ask her, frowning.
“I went and bought this at the pharmacy last week. Put it with the root vegetables because I knew your Tad and your brothers would never find it there. I figured you might have a morning such as this. It’s hard sometimes, not knowing.”
I nod. My heart is racing. “I’m being stupid. I know I’m not. I can’t be. It wouldn’t be that easy.” I keep saying the same things. All of these thoughts are turning around and around inside my head. I can’t seem to stop.
“It mostly isn’t, but sometimes, my child, sometimes it is that easy.” I’m not convinced she’s talking about a potential pregnancy anymore, but I don’t say anything.
She hands me the box.
I take it and just look at it.
“What are you waiting for?”
“I don’t know if I want to know.” I’m not sure why that is exactly. I’m feeling confused. That, and a touch overwhelmed.
“Is it maybe because you might want to see two lines?”
I nod. “That would be crazy, though. It’s not what I want.” I shake my head.
“Sometimes, the things that we’re most afraid of are the things that we actually want the most.”
“That doesn’t make any kind of sense, Mam.” I’m still frowning. I’m trying to unravel the words and their meaning. I see truth in them. I see my truth, but it can’t be.
“Go now, child. Unless you want me to go with ye?”
I smile. “I think I’ll manage on my own. It says on the box that it takes two minutes. I’ll call you, and we can look together.” I don’t want to be alone when I find out. I know that I will be sad either way. It seems I’ve lost my mind.
27
Rage
Two days later…
I hit the bag with everything I have. Sweat is dripping, and my muscles are protesting.
“What did the poor bag do to you?” Manny asks. He laughs at his own joke. “It’s good to see you here. You’ve been back a week, and I think you might be ready for another fight.”
I pull in a deep breath and turn. “There’s something we need to talk about.”
“What’s going on?” He gives me his full attention. My phone buzzes in my pocket, but I ignore it.
“I’m quitting the fight scene,” I say.
“Quitting?” Manny’s eyes go wide. “You’re too good to quit. You can go all the way to the top, Rage. I’m talking—” He stops when he sees me shaking my head.
“I’m going to study. I’ve enrolled in college for the next semester. I’m hoping to be accepted.”
“Oh…college…wow…” Manny wipes his face.
“Don’t look at me like that.” I smile at him for a moment. “I was good at school. At least I was until my life went pear-shaped. I’m not as dumb as I might look. I’m more than just my muscles and my fists.” More than just my powers and who my father is.
“Son, you don’t look dumb. Not in the least. I would never be so short-sighted in my thinking.”
I nod. I believe Manny. I’ve seen him support disadvantaged kids. Young men who face prejudice daily because of where they come from or how they look. I’ve seen him give them his all. I’ve seen him believe in them wholeheartedly.
“What are you going to study?” Manny asks. He looks enthusiastic.
“I want to be a lawyer,” I say.
“A lawyer? Now that’s something.”
“Yeah.” I smile. “I ran into a good friend of mine the other day. He used to be my best friend. He reminded me of that particular ambition. Funny, I had forgotten all about it.” I spent
so much time trying to forget what happened. Trying to punish myself for what I did, that I couldn’t see beyond that day.
“I hope you get in. That’s amazing. It’s going to be a lot of work, but I know you’re up for it. I don’t know anyone who pushes themselves more than you do.”
“Thanks, Manny.” My phone rings. “Excuse me.” I take it out of my pocket. I see I have five messages, all from Death. It’s Death calling now, too. “Yeah,” I say, as I answer the phone, “is someone dying?”
“No…fuck! Where are you? Why don’t you answer your messages?”
“I’m at the gym, working out. I’m nearly done.”
“No…you’re done! Get your ass home now.” Death never speaks to me like this. He sounds frantic.
“Is everything okay?”
“Yes…no…mostly. On second thoughts, get your ass into the shower and then get back here.”
“I’ll shower at home. I always shower at home. What the fuck is going on?” I practically yell because I have Nia at the forefront of my mind. I don’t want to be thinking about her because I’ll just be disappointed yet again.
“Shower and come home.” The line goes dead.
I yell an expletive and earn a couple of looks from a group of youngsters. I heave out a sigh and then go to the locker room. I refuse to get my hopes up. I refuse! It’s going to be something fucked up. Maybe Death and Trident are at my place, and they want to go out somewhere. Tri’s just opened a new restaurant-come-cocktail bar. It is a Friday afternoon.
That’s it!
They want me to go partying with them. Although Death isn’t the partying type. He’s in a bad place since finding out about the demon. Then again, he was in a bad place before. He’s worse now. I can’t blame him.
I wash fast. I have a clean shirt in my bag, which I tug on. I drive slightly over the speed limit. I’m nervous. I need to calm the fuck down. It isn’t her. It isn’t!
Lord of Chaos (The Dragon Demigods Book 7) Page 20