by S. K. Lessly
“I know. But maybe if I—” I started, but he interrupted.
“Look, Lauren, you are an amazing woman. You're funny, smart, and beautiful.” God, he thinks I’m beautiful? “If Sebastian is cheating on you, then he’s a fool.”
“That’s nice of you to say,” I countered, my voice soft and full of doubt.
“It’s the truth.”
Paul held me with his gaze and all I could do was give him a small smile. I knew what he was doing, and I appreciated him for it. I still wasn’t sure if this all was my fault. If I had done something to push Sebastian into another woman’s arms, that’s the question I keep asking myself.
I thought about what Tonya said about me and Paul. If she thought Paul and I looked too cozy together, maybe Sebastian thought the same. Hell, he would be in his right to go off if he saw Paul and me right now. Maybe he felt I was cheating on him so he did the same.
Gah… this shit is killing me.
“Hey,” I looked up to find Paul standing directly in front of me. He tilted my chin up so that I could look up into his expressive blue eyes. We stared at each other for a few heartbeats before he smiled at me. “Listen, I’m probably the last person to give you marital advice, considering my train wreck of a marriage.” He chuckled lightly and I gave him a small smile, just a bit confused by that statement but I kept my mouth shut. I had no idea his marriage was a train wreck. Not at all
“But if you think your marriage is worth it,” he explained, his voice soft what affection. “If you believe it is then fight for it. Give it everything you have but don’t settle. If he’s not willing to give you what you want, or what you need then it may be time for self-preservation.”
“Is that what you’re doing?” I asked, dying for him to explain the train wreck comment. I think all of us started noticing things weren’t sunbeams and rainbows between Paul and Sabrina for a while now, but it was blatantly obvious this week. Their play acting was for shit.
Paul breathed out a breath and looked down at his shoes. I grew quiet waiting for his answer and what he said next floored me a little.
“No. Why do you think I’m giving you this advice? I chose the wrong path and it blew up in my face. Now, I’m stuck in quicksand. The harder I fight the faster I sink.”
“Paul,” I said in a soft voice, feeling the pain from his words.
“Don’t. It’s fine. I’m good.”
I frowned at him and jumped down from the banister. It was my turn to invade his personal space. I walked up to him and pointed at his chest. “No, you’re not good. You think we all can’t see how miserable you and Sabrina are? Yeah, you two aren’t hiding shit. We can see what you’re doing to each other.” I moved closer and lowered my tone. “I can hear what you two are doing to each other. You’re not happy and it’s clear. Why don’t you two just… I don’t know… free each other?”
As I spoke, I could see Paul putting up the preverbal wall in the way he stood before me and the look in his eyes. His nose flared, his blue eyes darkened with anger. It was then that I realized I had probably overstepped my boundaries. I couldn’t help it. My heart went out to him, more than Sabrina and that could be due to our friendship. He always gave great advice, but he refused to take his own.
“Let’s head back,” he said abruptly, the sound of his deep voice causing me to jump slightly.
He didn’t wait for me to reply. He grabbed my hand and walked us back the way we’d come along the beach. He quickly dropped my hand, and without a word, quietly led me back to our hotel.
I kept glancing up at him, wanting to say something, anything that would erase the distant look in his eyes but I had nothing. I thought about apologizing for what I said but I quickly dismissed that idea. I wasn’t sorry for what I said; it needed to be said in my opinion and I wouldn’t be the friend I claim to be if I didn’t say my peace.
We arrived back at the hotel, and Paul held the door open for me and followed me inside. As we walked to the elevator, I tried to think of something to say to him to break the heavy silence between us but he beat me to the punch.
Paul wrapped his fingers around my upper arm stopping me in my tracks. I looked up into his eyes, my breath caught in my throat. The battle warring his eyes had my heart breaking. I caused that and I hated myself for it.
“Lauren, listen,” he began but I held up my hand cutting him off.
“No, Paul. You listen. I’m sorry for the way my words affected you. I didn’t mean to make you—”
It was Paul’s turn to interrupt me. He placed a lone finger against my lips. He held his finger there for a few seconds before he dropped his hand.
“Thank you for being honest with me. I appreciate it. Shit between Sabrina and me is complicated, but you’re right. I should start taking my own advice. Believe me there have been plenty of times when I wanted to call it quits. But I couldn’t do it. I’m not a quitter. Plus, I’m not just dating Sabrina. She’s my wife. Marriage is supposed to mean something. You have to fight for every inch; put everything you can, everything you are in order to make it work. But when you’re the only one fighting, that shit can get old really quickly.” He ran his hand down his face and blew out a breath.
“I guess I just needed to be sure. I wanted to know without a shadow of a doubt we were over. I didn’t want my decision clouded by shit I…” his voice trailed off and I frowned up at him.
“Clouded by what?” I asked, curious as to what would stop him from moving on with his life instead of forcing himself to be miserable. Believe me, if you could hear the arguments, hear the venom in both their voices. It was a wonder they stayed together as long as they did.
Paul studied my face for a minute before he said, “Clouded by shit I have no business wanting.”
“Okay, what do you want?” I prodded.
Paul didn’t answer right away. He reached up and softly placed my hair behind my ear. He then traced his index finger along my jaw before he said in a low tone for only me to hear, “Shit I can’t have.”
I couldn’t breathe. I stared up at him stunned. I wasn’t sure what he meant but from the look in his eyes I had an idea. Holy shit.
“But that’s enough about me. You should really talk to Sebastian. I mean I’m not saying to ignore your feelings. The key to a successful relationship is communication. Don’t speak with your head but your heart. Lay it all at his feet. He’ll either do the same or he won’t. Either way, whatever the outcome, at least you could say you’ve done all you could.” Paul’s lips curved into the corner of his mouth and he added, “And that’s my two cents and I’m sticking to it. You have a good night.”
And with that he walked back out to the pool area.
I watched him go, unable to speak a word, hell unsure what to say. Well, I knew what I wanted to say but there was no use. I closed my eyes and finally inhaled a deep breath before I let it out slowly. There was no way I could afford to even decipher what that man meant by his words or the look in his eyes.
However, he was right. Sebastian and I really needed to sit down and talk. Things between us needed to change. If I wanted them to change for the better, I had to come to him without accusations. I needed to use my heart not my head to tell him how I felt. I wasn’t sure if that was a good idea since I was running on emotions instead of rational thinking, but I understood Paul’s point.
Maybe if I really talked to Sebastian instead of accusing him and making him guilty of a simple look I couldn’t clearly explain, and I feeling I had no proof to support, we could get somewhere close to the truth.
I quickly made my way up to my room, hoping I would be able to catch Sebastian there. Our relationship depended on his attitude. If he was willing to sit down and talk, we would do just that, no holding back. If he wasn’t willing to talk then I needed a plan B.
15
Paul
My heart was still beating as I left Lauren and stepped back outside into the cool night air. I needed to create space between us.
&nbs
p; What the fuck did I just do?
Shit, I almost… I almost kissed her!
And let’s not forget what I had just said to her; the implication of my words… holy shit.
I ran my hand over my head and stared out into the night. The sound of the waves crashing against the shore should have been soothing, but it wasn’t. My senses were on hyper drive.
I almost told her everything. I almost told her that her suspicions about Sebastian were true. I’d almost told her to say fuck him because she deserved someone better. She deserved me.
What was I thinking?
I wasn’t thinking. All I could hear and feel was the pain in her voice. She was going out of her mind and this motherfucker was playing her. The words I knew would crush her world were on the tip of my tongue. But I knew deep down telling her would be a huge mistake. She needed to figure out Sebastian wasn’t worthy of her on her own. In the meantime, I needed to get my fucked-up life in order.
The lifecycle of my marriage had ended a long time ago, but apparently, everyone knew that but me and Sabrina. To learn that everyone knew Sabrina and I had been putting up a front was eye-opening. Here I was thinking we were fooling everyone, but we were only fooling ourselves. This week was fucking hell. The constant faking Sabrina and I did in front of our friends had been exhausting. My cheeks hurt from all the smiling I did when Sabrina and I were around everyone.
Hell, I reveled in the moments when I wasn’t alone with Sabrina. She was pleasant to be around in fact. It almost felt as if I was in a loving relationship. However, that façade changed the moment we were alone. The arguments started with her accusing me of not showing her enough attention. She complained that I didn’t touch her enough, that I didn’t want her or loved her. She said that I rather play golf with the guys than be with her. Shit, she wasn’t far off but her antics wasn’t lost on me. I did everything I could to make sure she felt wanted.
We had decided that this trip was our test. A test to see if we could really make this work. After the promises she made months ago, things were surprisingly better between us. Therapy was over, thank God. We were communicating and spending a lot of quality time together. I thought we were on the right track. However, that shit didn’t last very long. About two weeks before we came down here, things went from good to completely fucked up. Things were fine when we were around everyone, but the moment we were alone it turned into WWIII. She'd find some reason to start an argument and then leave the house only to return hours later completely hammered. I was at my wits end with everything and tonight brought that home for me.
The need to succumb to desires I had no business having had become overwhelming. I wasn’t a guy who pushed up on another man’s wife, but tonight I was willing to make an exception. God, I wanted Lauren. I wanted to kiss the fuck out of her, claim her, touch every inch of her and damn if I cared about Sebastian or Sabrina.
This entire week had been hell watching her. She had my dick hard as hell on multiple occasions, especially when I saw her earlier. The way her sundress fell along her curves had me wanting to say fuck our friends and run away with her. I ached for her and this had never happened to me before.
I wasn’t saying I hadn’t noticed other women when I was with my wife, I was a man for fuck sake we’re visual creatures. But I never took my thoughts any farther than admiration. Things were different when it came to Lauren. And I almost told her just what she does to me, how she affected me. I knew she got my hidden meaning when I told her about not being able to have what I wanted; I could see it in her eyes. The thing was I didn’t want her that way. I wanted her to want me because she felt the same way I did. Until that happened, I wasn’t saying shit.
But… The second, and I mean fucking second, she came to her senses and realized she would be better off without Sebastian, I’ll be there. In the meantime, I needed to find Sabrina. She and I needed to talk before she left for her parent’s house tomorrow. When we parted ways in the airport, I wanted it to be for good. Why wait for the inevitable? It was high time I took back my balls don’t you think?
I took one last look at the Atlantic Ocean before I turned and headed in search of my soon-to-be ex-wife. I was making my way to the elevators, pulling my phone out of my back pocket to call her, when I caught sight of her in my peripheral. I stopped and turned to my right to find her inside the hotel’s bar, dancing to some song blaring through speakers. I debated on pulling her away from the bar so we could take a walk and talk, when I noticed a man come up to Sabrina on the dance floor and grab her ass.
What the…
My eyebrows rose to my forehead as I waited to see if she would push the man away. She didn’t, much to my surprise. She also shocked me stupid when she wrapped her arms around his neck.
Oh, fuck no!
I stepped inside the bar and charged toward the now grinding couple, running on complete and utter rage.
“Whoa, Paul, hold up a minute,” Samson said in a low tone for only me to hear.
He gripped my arm, trying to stop me from advancing on my wife, but I yanked my arm away. I was fucking fuming. All I saw in my vision was red and no one was going to stop me from approaching her.
Listen, it wasn’t lost on me how wrong I was for reacting this way, considering what I had almost done with Lauren. Still, the fact that I hadn’t acted on my desires, because of this fucking woman, had me losing my mind.
The moment the fucker, who had been groping my wife, saw me he stopped dancing and whispered in Sabrina’s ear. Sabrina turned abruptly and faced me, her eyes wide in surprise. She stepped away from the fucker and headed straight for me.
“Paul, wait I—”
I looked down at her, my fits balled up at my sides. “What the fuck are you doing? Who is that motherfucker?”
She went to touch my arm and I snatched away from her. I’d be damned if she ever touched me again.
“You better start fucking talking,” I demanded through gritted teeth.
The fucker she was dancing with eyed me down as if he wanted me to bring the questions to him. I had no problem with doing that. I sized him up and from a distance he was shorter than me, but he had me in muscle mass, which didn’t deter me one bit. I never backed down from anything or anyone and this moment was no exception.
“Paul,” Sabrina called to me, her voice shaking with what? Anger? Fear?
“Don’t fucking Paul me. Answer my question or I’ll go ask him,” I said the last part loud enough for the fucker to hear me. He sneered at me and stretched his arms out as if he was about to envelope me in a hug.
“Why don’t you come over here and ask me? I have something for you,” the man replied with a smirk.
My eyebrow rose in surprise and admittedly elation. I needed an excuse to release this pent-up frustration I’d been harboring for some time now and since I couldn’t fuck it out of me, I might as well beat the shit out of this asshole. I started for him, sizing up just how I was going to knock him the fuck out when goddamn Samson stepped in front of me, pushing me back from my prey.
“Paul, man, think twice about this shit. It ain’t worth it,” my best friend warned me. At the same time, Sabrina grabbed my other arm and pulled me away.
“Paul, please. Let’s go talk in private. That’s what you want, right? To talk? Let’s go and talk.”
I assessed the situation and knew Samson wouldn't move from in front of me. Unless…I could instigate and—
“Damn it, Paul. Please!” Sabrina screeched and I looked down at her. I could see the panic now etched in her features as her eyes pleaded with me to listen to her. I let her sweat it out for a few more seconds before I gave her a quick nod signaling I would follow her.
Sabrina started to walk out of the bar, but looked over her shoulder at me, checking to see if I was following her. I was but stopped when I heard someone talking shit behind me.
“Where you going motherfucker?”
That did it.
I turned around ready to kick his teet
h down his throat when fucking Samson stepped in again.
He boomed to the douche. “Shut the fuck up before I beat your fucking ass myself.”
Wouldn’t you know it? The fucker shut up. Samson was a behemoth of a man, but when he’s pissed, you didn’t want to cross him.
Samson gave me a nod and I returned it before following Sabrina out of the bar. We walked silently, side by side, until we made it to the pool area at the back of the hotel. Once we were clear from the hotel door, I reeled on her.
“Start talking fast, Sabrina. Who is he?”
Sabrina sighed and placed her hands up in a placating gesture that was grating on my damn nerves. “He’s just a friend, alright? He came down to see me.”
“He came down to see you? From where?”
Sabrina looked away from me. She didn’t answer my question, which was doing nothing but pissing me off even more. The nerve of this...
“Sabrina,” I warned, the tone in my voice dark and cold. “You better start talking.”
“Or what, Paul? What are you going to do?” she blurted and shit…I just looked at her, surprised. “Okay, yes. I’ve been seeing Tim for a while now. What did you expect? I’ve been lonely for so long and just because you finally decided to spend time with me, you think that’s going to change things. I’m sick and tired of pretending, Paul. We haven’t been working for a very long time and I’m sick of you and your goody-two-shoes-self. I’m tired of carrying this relationship, of carrying you. Why can’t you not do the right thing for once? Be fucking spontaneous instead of so goddamn predictable.”
“I’ve been trying to do the right thing because we’re fucking married.” I shouted giving a damn where we were or who was around us.” I ran my hands over my head and rested them at the back of my neck. “I can’t fucking believe this shit.”