by S. K. Lessly
I gaped at him in surprise. Even though Tonya said she thought he was in love with me, it was still crazy and bit scary to hear it come from his lips.
“You’re in love with me?”
He walked closer to me and said softly, “Yes and I know you feel the same way about me, okay, so don’t try to deny it. I can see it in your eyes.”
He went to kiss me and I backed away. “Damn it, Paul.” I started pacing. “I can’t do this right now. We can’t do this. This is too soon. You two have so much history and I just screwed that up.”
“What are you talking about?”
I stopped pacing and looked up into his confused blue eyes. Shit was fucked up and I couldn’t get my thoughts together in my head to express myself to him. Maybe if we… yeah, I nodded my head as a thought that just popped into my head.
I stepped up to Paul. “Things are crazy right now in our lives. We have chapters that haven’t ended and here we are trying to start new ones. I think maybe we need to give each other time, you know?”
“Time,” Paul repeated and I could hear the anger laced in his voice. But I soldered on.
“Yes, time. Time to figure out what we truly want. To give closure to our past and our exs.” I could feel my face tightening, the tears burning my eyes. I blinked and bit them back. I would not cry. This wasn't the end just a break. “Paul, if you could have seen you two…” I broke off feeling my throat tightening. Arghhh… “You and her make sense in there, but you and I… I don’t feel right being with someone that belongs to someone else. I just think we need time.”
Paul frowned and backed away from me. “I see. And you think time is what we need to get our shit together?” When I nodded, he backed away from me in further, his eyes growing dark and cold. In that moment, I realized I had made a big mistake.
“I knew this would happen. I knew and you fucking gave me your word that you'd talk to me before…” he trailed off and at first I looked at him confused. Then it hit me and I knew, fuck, I knew then just how badly I fucked up.
“You know what?” Paul began, and I could hear the anger in his voice. It sliced right through me like a sharp knife. “You’re right. We shouldn’t be doing this. So how about I make this easy for the both of us. I think this is done.”
“What?!” I said softly shaking my head. “No, that's not—” I started but he cut me off, the bitterness slicing my heart.
“Oh no, you’re so right. We do need time to get our shit together. I wouldn’t want you to feel crazy being with someone that doesn’t belong to you.”
I flinched at his words. Yeah, that stung. God, I’m so stupid. I closed my eyes and tried to think of how to fix this. “Paul, I…” I opened my eyes but realized that the man I loved was gone. In his place was a stranger with pain, frustration, anger and disappointment all over his face.
“This is what you wanted, right? Time? Well, this is me giving you all the time you ever wanted.”
“Paul, wait. I…” I reached for him, but he backed away from me turned and left me standing by my car.
I wish I could tell you that I ran after him and stopped him but I didn’t. I should have, but I was a coward. The thought of him rejecting me held me in place. With every step he took, my heart cracked until it crumbled into tiny shards.
I was such an idiot. What the hell did I just do? So fucking impulsive… Why couldn’t I take him up on his offer of coming home with me. He was proving to me that I mattered. He ran out after me. He said he loved me for Christ Sake and how did I respond to his declaration, I spit in his face.
I hated myself right now. I had thought I was doing the right thing, allowing him to end things with Sabrina. Clearly from tonight, they had a lot to work through. So did I for that matter. However, I should have talked to him first. Fuck, he asked me, made me promise that I would talk to him first before I made any rash decisions. It was like he knew this would happen.
I should have placed the ball in his court and let him know how I felt. Maybe I wouldn’t have this feeling of falling to my death if I would have handled this better and tried communicating instead of dictating.
I breathed out a heavy sigh and got inside my car. Instead of driving home, I drove to the nearest bar and drowned my sorrows as best I could. It wasn’t working. Instead, I kept seeing the look of hurt in Paul's eyes. I needed to figure out a way to move on quickly or I was going to be depressed for a very long time.
“Uh excuse me is this seat taken?”
I turned to my left and found a very tall, dark and handsome drink of water in front of me. I looked all around and found there were many seats open so I figured he was coming to give me some of his game.
I turned back to him and motioned for him to have a seat.
“Thanks. Uh I see that your glass is empty, mind if I fill it for you?” he asked. I nodded my approval and he turned to motion for the bartender to come over. As he did that, I took a look at this man next to me. As I mentioned, he’s a brotha, so I guess that’s a plus.
He was tall and lean and seemed to have a pretty good-looking body. His hair was thick and wavy in texture, which he kept low to his head. He had the most beautiful smooth dark skin I had ever seen and a great smile. Not bad, Lauren, not bad at all.
The bartender came over and I ordered another drink. As the bartender made my drink, we sat in silence.
I felt my companion’s eyes all over me. I was trying to silence the voice in my head telling me this was a bad idea. But how did that saying go? The easiest way to get over someone was to get under someone else. Well, technically that’s what I was doing.
My drink was placed in front of me and I reached for it, thanking the bartender before he walked away. I turned in my stool, held up my glass in a toast and a thanks for the drink gesture, then took a sip.
“I’m Eugene.” He extended his hand out to me.
I took it and shook. “Lauren.”
He smiled and slowly brought my hand to his lips. He kissed my knuckles all the while never breaking eye contact with me.
“Well, Lauren, it’s a pleasure meeting you.”
28
Lauren
It was a freezing cold September night. Mr. Frost had arrived and had blanketed the east coast with its first taste of dreadful fall. I was safely tucked away inside my home, the lights dim, my chest aching, wondering if this was all a dream.
I had been glued to my couch for hours, trying to think of a way I could talk to Paul. It’s been five excruciatingly long days since our unofficial breakup and I missed him terribly. My soul ached for him. It felt as if an elephant was sitting on my chest; I could barely breathe. It didn’t help that I kept hearing a bunch of laughter coming from his house, one of the voices being none other than his estranged wife.
God, this hurts. To know that the man I loved was with another woman, only a few feet away, was pain I never experienced before in my life. It hurt like a son of a bitch.
But it was my own damn fault. I was such an idiot and quite honestly, I deserved everything I got and more; the pain, the misery and despair, the torture. To make things worse, they could be over there rekindling their marriage right this very minute.
Gah, I’m such an idiot!
I knew I had fucked up royally that night. I had felt the tether that held us together break in two. However, to actually see what I did in person, to see the devastation, the pain I caused drenched in his eyes, God that was awful.
The other day I had ran into Paul at the grocery store and you know what he did? He walked right past me without a word. He didn’t even acknowledge me, hell he barely looked at me. I had hurt him so bad, that he couldn’t bear to even look in my direction. I needed to talk to him. Throughout the months we’ve been together, we’ve managed to create a great friendship. I couldn’t believe this was my reality, a life without him.
On second thought, maybe I should just give him time before I go and talk to him. Time to get over the hurt and pain I caused him. Time to get
over my stupidity. Maybe if that happened, we could start all over again or at least be on speaking terms.
No, Lauren Kelly, stop being a freaking wuss. Just go over there, demand he see you, and tell him how sorry you are for making the worst fucking mistake of your life. Then drop to your knees and beg for his forgiveness. Then maybe, just maybe, he would take you back.
Yeah, wishful thinking Lauren.
I rolled to my side on my couch and buried my face into the cushions and screamed my frustration. I could feel hot tears wanting to flow down my face, but I refused to release them. I couldn’t. If I did, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to stop them. Then I’d be a blubbering mess and no one wanted to see me like that. It wasn’t a pretty sight.
I heard my cell start to ring on the coffee table. I covered my ear with a throw pillow, trying to will the sound away but a thought occurred to me. Maybe it was Paul calling to tell me he wanted to talk. With hope surging through me, I turned around and reached for my cell. I sat up when I saw my brother’s name on the screen and quickly answered the call.
“Hello? Mark? Is everything okay?”
I hadn’t spoken to my brother in a few weeks. He never called on a week night, so I instantly thought something was wrong. His rich sounding laughter rang through the speakers of my cell, which eased my panic.
“Uh yeah sis, everything’s fine. How are you?”
I sighed and fell back against my couch. “I’m okay. Seriously though, are you sure everything is okay?”
“Yes, girl, can’t I call you to say hello?”
I hesitated then replied, “Of course, you can. What’s up?”
“What are you doing right now?”
“Nothing, sitting here. Why?”
“Good, I’m in town and I want to see my baby sister.”
I sat up again, my brows furrowing in question. “You’re in town, why?”
“Wow, what’s up with the twenty questions? If you must know, I’m here for a convention. Come on let me take you to dinner?”
“I don’t know, Mark. How do I know this isn’t a family intervention where you trick me to come with you and take me to a room full of our family? I’m warning you now I won’t be held accountable for my actions if Brian says something crazy to me.”
Mark laughed again. “Jesus, girl you’re paranoid. I’m here by myself. Besides, I can’t get them to come up here just like I can’t get you to come to Philly, so no intervention.” That stung a bit, but it was true. “I’m just missing my baby sister. That’s all. Now, get dressed and put something nice on. We're going someplace for dinner more upscale than Olive Garden.”
I laughed in spite of the pain I was feeling. “Hey, don’t knock the Garden. I like actually love that place.”
He chuckled. “Yeah, I know you do. Be ready in thirty minutes, okay?”
I groaned and looked down at my wardrobe. I was dressed in one of Paul’s old t-shirts and nothing else. I hadn’t moved from this spot since this afternoon when I woke up. Therefore, I had to shower, brush my teeth and comb my hair before I could try and look presentable.
“Are you sure you want to go out? We can order in?” I offered crossing my fingers he’d say yes. But no such luck.
“Ah, no. I want to go out and I want you with me. Come on sis, it’ll be fun. Also, see if Sebastian wants to come. Is he home or out of town?”
“He’s not here,” I answered quickly, hoping he didn’t catch the anxiousness in my voice. “You’ll just have to put up with it just being me.”
My brother laughed again. “I guess I can stomach that. Just be ready, woman.”
I sighed loudly but a small smile crawled along my face. “Give me forty-five and I’ll be ready.”
Paul
I had escaped to the dungeon the moment I stepped inside my house and found Sabrina relaxing on my couch watching HGTV. She was wearing this short summer dress that I suspected was her way of seducing me. The short as fuck material clung to her small frame and barely held her new breasts in place. Fuck, I thought she left days ago, but no such luck.
She had claimed she wanted us to talk after Samson’s party. I had been in such a daze from what happened between Lauren and me that I had agreed. That was a big fucking mistake. When we got back to my house, the “talk” turned into her confessing her feelings for me. She cried and pleaded for me to give us another chance.
She claimed she was done with the cheating and the partying and wanted to pour everything she had into saving us. I knew deep down it was all bullshit. The problem was, I didn’t have the energy to send her packing. I took the easy road and told her I’d think about it. That was, fuck, five days ago and she was still here. Granted, I’d been at work three of those five days, but now that I was home, I needed to deal with this shit and her.
It’s just that, the moment I walked inside my house and found her still here, I had zero energy or desire to talk to her. For one, I wasn’t in the best of moods. I knew the second she opened her mouth I would say something that would no doubt hurt her feelings. And two, for the past five days all I’d been thinking about was Lauren. No way would I be able to deal with whatever Sabrina had to say without losing my shit.
For that reason, I gave her a grunt as my greeting, closed and locked my front door then went straight downstairs. I showered, threw on a pair of sweats and a t-shirt, made myself a drink and plopped down in front of the television. That was about six hours ago and here I still sat, sulking and getting completely shitfaced. The NFL Network was on and they were talking about some shit having to do with the Giants, but I wasn’t listening. All I kept thinking about was Lauren.
Since the birthday party, I’d been sick; like physically ill. I knew I had overreacted with Lauren, but I didn’t know how else to respond to her ridiculous claims.
I had been blown away when she asked for time. Time for what exactly? Sure, she had a point about baggage. I understood where she was coming from too. Here’s the thing, if our baggage had been an issue, then it would’ve been an issue from the beginning and it wasn’t.
See what I mean? She had no leg to stand on which meant there was another reason why she asked for more time.
Shit...
This whole thing was a colossal fuck all mess. I wish I knew what was going on in her head. I tried to figure it out on my own, wondering where things went wrong with us. But I couldn’t figure shit out. No, the only one that could answer my questions was Lauren, which therein lies another issue.
I had thought about approaching her to ask her to explain herself. I even contemplated leaving work and going to her house to demand she talk to me. However, that plan went right out the window the second I saw her. We were at the grocery store. My squad and I popped inside the local grocery chain really quick to stock up on some items we needed for the house when I saw her. She was dressed in a simple pair of yoga pants, a long tee and sneakers looking beautiful as ever. She met my eyes and I could see sympathy and regret written all over her beautiful face, which pissed me off. All of the confusion and frustration I had been feeling for days exploded into anger. The realization I was an idiot had hit me like a freight train. My anger wasn’t all angled toward her. I was angry at myself too.
It wasn’t on me to approach her about this. This was her doing not mine. Plus, if she wanted to talk to me, she would have called or hunted me down. Hell, if I was being real with myself, she should have stopped me from leaving that night.
She didn’t and I refuse to be that weak fucker pining after a woman who clearly didn’t want me. But at the same time, I knew that wasn’t true. I knew she wanted me, I could feel it in my soul. So, what the fuck?
Arghhh, this shit is so messed up.
Honestly, I knew this would happen; her wimping out on me like this. I had this unnerving feeling something would freak her out and she would react on impulse. But she promised. She fucking promised me she’d come to me first before she made any rash decisions and like an idiot, I believed her. I thought she an
d I were on the same page and she wanted the same thing I did, for us to be together. Boy, did I get that shit wrong.
Also, what did she mean when she said me and Sabrina made sense? Sabrina and I made no sense, especially since I found out how much of a connection Lauren and I had and how much we fit together. Why would I go back to being miserable when I knew what happiness felt like?
I knew one thing for sure, her reason for saying that had nothing to do about perception. Could it be a race thing? Could she be apprehensive because I was white?
No, I couldn’t swallow that last statement without choking on it. Lauren was never someone who cared what anyone thought of her. She did what she wanted, consequences be damned. With that in mind, why the change? Why did she all of a sudden give two fucks about what other people thought about us being together?
I lifted the bottle of Cognac to my mouth and took a few swigs. I slouched further into the couch, rested the bottle on my knee and stared off into the distance.
So, what in the hell should I do now? Should I bite the bullet, go over there and demand she talk to me? Or should I wait for her to realize the mistake she made and come to me, knowing if I did wait for her, there was a chance she'd never make that move.
Knowing I wouldn’t get answer to any of my question tonight, I resolvedly brought the bottle to my lips again and took a bigger swig. I stared at the bottle for a few and took note at the amount of liquor I had left. Damn, this bottle was almost empty. I hadn’t realized how much of it I drank. Lauren bought me a large bottle of my favorite Cognac like a week ago and it’s almost gone. Fuck…
“Hey, Paul,” Sabrina called down to me from the basement door, breaking into my thoughts. “Are you coming up to eat?”
I looked over at the basement steps, waiting for her to come downstairs, see I was drinking and give me her judgment eyes. Thankfully, she never appeared. Instead, she called my name again.