by S. K. Lessly
I responded, “Yeah well, he does live in Philadelphia. He came up for some doctor’s conference yesterday.”
“Really, a doctor’s conference, huh? That sounds cool.”
I heard the skepticism in his voice. I didn’t like it. “Yup, at the Hilton downtown Newark. Check it out if you don’t believe me.”
He laughed and it was one of those eerie laughs that gave you the creeps. I kept quiet not really feeling this conversation.
“So, hey, I have to go. I need to get back to cleaning, I’m in a groove. I’ll talk to you later.” I told him.
“Oh hey, wait. I wanted to know if you wanted to get together tonight?”
Fuck no! “Sorry, Eugene, I’m meeting up with my brother again tonight, but maybe another day.”
“Oh, okay. Well, let me know.”
When I hung up with the psycho, my doorbell rang, and I was instantly freaked out. Could that be Eugene? I shook that idea off immediately. No way would he be outside my place. He didn’t even know where I lived.
I stood when the bell rang again and went to answer the door. I opened my front door and almost had a heart attack. Standing at the screen door was Paul, looking good enough to eat, dressed in a long sleeve black Henley shirt and dark jeans.
I smiled at him, but my smile was answered with indifference.
Shit...
“Hey.” I greeted after I opened the screen door to him.
He didn’t come closer, instead, he reached out and handed me my key. “I just wanted to give this to you.”
I reached for the key and it felt as if my legs were going to give out from under me. The distance in his eyes, the frosty stare, had my body shivering. He was searching for closure and it was the last thing I wanted.
“Paul, do you have a minute? I really would like to talk to you.”
He shook his head, destroying my heart all over again. “Lauren, we don’t have anything really to talk about, at least I don’t.”
“Paul, please,” I said softly. “I fucked up and I need to apologize to you. I need to make this right.”
He finally walked closer to me, but it wasn’t close enough for my taste. “Lauren, seriously. There’s no need for you to apologize. You were right.”
“I was?” My face glazed over with shock.
“Yes. We can’t and shouldn’t start anything new when we have old shit to deal with. I’m married, you’re married it’s not right. We need a fresh start you know, without any baggage. I feel like once we handle our shit then we can begin again. We can find ourselves again; have a clean slate to work with. I know I can’t wait to put everything that happened, all of the crazy shit, behind me. I want to see what my future holds. No telling what’s out there for me but I need to find out, and so should you.”
I tried to keep my emotions in check, the threat of tears surfacing in my eyes but I bit them back. My already fragile heart was breaking with each syllable he spoke.
“So that’s it. I lose my best friend?” I looked in his eyes for any signs of hope but I saw nothing.
He said softly, “It has to be this way, Lauren. A clean break is what we both need.” He backed away from me. “Take care of yourself.” With that, he walked away from me without looking back.
At that moment, I wanted the ground to swallow me whole. I couldn’t believe what just happened. My fears had finally come to life and I completely hated myself.
When my brother finally arrived later that night, I was a sopping drunk mess. I told him what had happened between Paul and me and he joined me in my misery.
We ended up staying in and watching a movie, The Avengers, before we just decided to listen to some music and talk.
Mark was sprawled out on the couch and I was lying across the lounge chair with my legs hanging off the sides later that night.
“So, this is what it feels like to have your heart broken,” I said to no one in particular.
“If it feels like your life is over, and you can’t breathe because your chest is so heavy, then yes,” Mark replied.
“Well, this feeling fucking sucks.” I took another drink from my glass of vodka with a splash of OJ.
“Yes, it does.”
We were quiet for a spell then Mark sat up and looked at me. “Lauren, can I ask you a question?”
“Sure, Mark?” I closed my eyes but opened them quickly when I started spinning.
“Are you ever going to come home?”
I let the question linger out there for a while before I sighed and answered, “I don’t know. I mean it’s kind of hard to do since I pretty much told them to forget all about me.”
“Mom and dad miss you, Lauren.”
I shook my head. “No, they don’t, Mark. If they did, they would’ve called me and told me themselves. Our parents aren’t shy. They speak their minds any other time so I won’t believe they can’t tell me themselves they miss me.” I sat up feeling all the hurt and anger resurfacing again.
“Well if you know that about them then you also know that they’ve never been like that. They’ve never said I love you, or hugged us or any such thing, so you should be used to it.”
I sat up too. “But I’m not and that’s the problem. Mark, all I ever wanted was dad to tell me he was proud of me. Not that I did anything just to make him say it, but it would’ve been nice to hear.
“Come on, sis, he hasn’t said that to any of us, but we know he is.”
“Yeah you know he is because he’s shown you. Yes, our parents aren’t very vocal when it comes to emotions and feelings but damn it, they show how they feel in other ways. For instance, when you got your own practice, mom and dad were there 100%. Dad bought your first set of cards, and your name plate to go on your door. He got you in touch with certain people and connections to help you get off your feet. He did the same for Janet when she opened her practice and for Brian he seemed to bend over backwards especially when he made partner. But it seemed the milestones in my life were just that, mild. He wasn’t even at my graduation when I got my master’s degree.”
“Lauren, you know he had to go out of town that weekend, I’m sure he felt awful about it.”
I shrugged. “Can’t really tell brother since he’s never apologized for missing it or even asked me how it went. I mean, Mark, I got better grades then all of you throughout college especially when I got my Master’s but I guess since I didn’t make partner or have my own school, none of my accomplishments mattered to him.”
I leaned back and drained the last of my glass before I sat it down.
Mark watched me for a few seconds then said, “Did you ever think that maybe he doesn’t know how to show you he’s proud of you, or that maybe he thinks you don’t care either way?”
“What? No way that’s not it,” I said but I wasn’t so sure of my statement.
“Lauren, think about it, you have always done things your way. You never did anything to get approval from mom or dad. I remember plenty of times they would give you advice about something and you would take their advice and wipe your ass with it. Hell, you barely listened to me when I give you advice about something.”
“So, it’s my fault for wanting to do things on my own?”
“No, but hell sis, it’s kind of hard for someone to think you need them or want their approval since you have such an independent mind. And let’s keep it real I’ve only heard you tell me that you love me. You’ve never said it to anyone else in that house.”
“How can I? Janet hates me and so does Brian.”
“No, they don’t, they don’t understand you but they don’t hate you.”
I gave Mark a skeptical look but he didn’t wavier his statement.
“And Mom and Dad… If you could’ve seen the look on their faces when you stormed out of the house that day.” He shook his head. “Dad blew up on Brian, telling him he had no right to say those things to you.”
Stunned my eyebrows rose into my forehead. “Are you serious?”
Mark nodded. “Y
up, Brian tried to give him some stupid excuse, but Dad shut him down. He even told him he should’ve been the one to clock him in his mouth.”
I couldn’t breathe. That wasn’t like my father. He’d only gone off one time. Other than that, he always stayed in control. I told this to my brother and he agreed. “Yes, you’re right. Mom even cussed Brian out before she escaped into the kitchen to bake, and you know what that means when she does that.”
I did actually, I was just like that. When I was bothered or upset or anxious about things I baked. What my brother didn’t know was that I already started baking. I was waiting for the bread to rise on the carrot bread I just made.
“Look, I’m not saying it’s not going to be hard, but you can’t let this go on for very long sis. We miss you. Janet misses you and even though Brian has a horrible way of showing it, he misses you too. Our kids miss you like crazy. Will is insufferable and so is Lyla. You know you’re the only one that can keep them in check.”
I laughed because I knew he was right. Will Junior, Brian’s son was off the chain. You would think since we have two shrinks in the house that they would know how to deal with Will but they don’t. He’s bad all the time, gets into trouble a lot in school and has a mouth on him that’s out of this world and he’s only five. Typically, when he’s completely unruly, my mom would call me and I would come down and put him in his place. We would spend the whole day together. I would cuss him out then we would go have fun at someone’s neighborhood park. Sometimes I thought he was being bad on purpose just for attention, which hit home for me all the time.
I did love my nieces and nephews even though they were off the chain; I missed them terribly.
I wiped a tear from my eye and sighed. No matter how much I hated it, my brother had a point. I knew I needed to make amends some way but I refused to step foot in that house again. I wouldn’t go back on that word.
I looked at my brother. “I’ll think about it, okay? That’s all I can promise.”
Mark leaned back in the couch, satisfied with himself. He smirked at me. “That’s all I wanted to hear.” I threw a pillow at him.
The second guy he watched go into her house hasn’t left yet. He had to park farther away from the house this time as to not gain suspicion from her neighbors, especially that guy next door. He keeps looking out his window, watching him watch her. A few times he left for a while but couldn’t stay away. He needed to know what was going on. He needed to see if she was telling the truth, so far be didn’t believe a word she said. She was a liar just like the rest of them. ‘Brother my ass.’
Lauren
The next morning, I woke with a huge headache. We had finished the whole bottle of vodka last night and stayed up until almost four in the morning talking. My brother had a flight to catch at eleven, so I rolled out of bed to make sure he was up.
He wasn’t in the spare bedroom. I moved on and slowly crawled downstairs to find him drinking coffee and eating the bread I had made last night, or rather this morning.
“You look well rested?” I told him, rolling my eyes.
He was showered, dressed, and looking as if he had a long night’s sleep instead of only four hours or so.
“It’s what I do. Besides, you had more of that bottle last night than I had.” He grinned. “This bread is good. You make it better than mom does.”
I nodded. “Yeah I put some other things in there that Mom doesn’t. Why don’t you take some with you? I’m probably not going to eat it anyway. It was just something to do.”
Mark gave me this look and I knew what he was thinking, I gave him the middle finger and went to get me a cup of coffee.
Paul
I exited my garage, closing the door behind me as I headed to my truck. I opened the back door and threw my bag on the back seat. I was heading to my parent’s house for the day. Tomorrow unfortunately I had to work hence the bag in my hand. It made no sense to go home to grab my shit. I’d head out from my parents in the morning and go straight to work from there. I looked across the street to see if I saw that car out there again from last night but it was clear. I wondered what and who that could be. I made a mental note to call the cops next time I saw it. Every time I tried to approach, they just sped away.
I glanced over at Lauren’s house and saw the car that had arrived yesterday still in the driveway. It was the same car that picked her up the other day. I frowned. It hurt to think she had moved on already, considering how raw I felt, but maybe it was for the best. I started to turn around and head back inside, when I noticed a man leaving Lauren’s house.
He looked over at me and smiled knowingly, which creeped me out a little I admitted.
“Good morning,” he said, his voice and posture friendly and relaxed.
“Good morning,” I replied and turned, starting for my house, when the man cleared his throat.
“Uh, excuse me, but you’re Paul, right?”
I stopped and turned around.
Suspicious and on edge it seemed, the man glanced behind him at Lauren's house then walked forward.
“Yes, I’m Paul,” I replied, looking questioningly.
As the man walked closer to me and reached out his hand for me to shake, dread started to settle in my spine. Shit…
I took the hand slowly, but I didn’t smile back. I couldn’t. I was too busy chastising myself. I was a grade-A idiot. I recognized the man immediately.
“Oh great, it’s nice to meet you. Listen, I know I have no right to ask you this, but I wanted to ask you a favor. I know Lauren trusts you and she doesn’t have any family here so I was hoping I could give you my card. You know just in case something happens you could call her family.”
I gave Mark, Lauren's brother, a crazy look but didn’t move to take his card.
Taking my hesitation to mean something else he smacked his forehead and gave me an apologetic smile. “Shit, sorry, I didn't introduce myself properly. I’m Mark. Lauren’s brother? Has she mentioned me at all?”
I chuckled, smiling, unable to resist the man's friendly personality and easy-going demeanor. I took the card and read the name, Mark Kelly MD. Listed on the card was his business address, work and cell numbers.
“It’s nice to meet you, Mark. And yeah, she told me about you. You’re the doctor with the twins, correct?”
Mark’s smile broadened, practically blinding me. He was just as eager and energetic in person as he was in the picture. I should have caught on to that fact the other night. Such an idiot…
“Yeah.” He chuckled. “That would me be. And umm again, I know I shouldn’t be asking you this, but considering what happened between her and Sebastian, I just worry about her. You know how impulsive she could be and I would feel better if someone made sure she was okay.”
“Mark, I don’t have a problem taking your card, but I don’t know if I’m the right person to accept it.” I glanced behind him at Lauren’s house before bringing my eyes back to his.
Mark shrugged. “Okay, no problem. If you know anyone else that you could give the card to, I would really appreciate it.”
I nodded, thinking about Tonya. “Yes, she has a friend named Tonya. I can give the card to her. So, you’re heading back home?”
Mark looked back at the house. “Yeah, I just came to see her. We haven’t seen her in a while and I miss her.” He looked back at me and continued, “I told her I came in for a conference, but I’d actually come just to see her. She’d kill me if she knew. I don’t know. I was just worried about her. Anyway, it was very nice to meet you.”
“Nice to meet you too.” We shook hands and I watched Mark get into his car and drive away.
I then looked over at Lauren’s house and wanted to knock myself upside my head. Yet again I overreacted and made another mistake. Hell, I seemed to be just as impulsive as she was.
I shook my head and went to lock up my house. I made my way to Whippany thinking about what I needed to do with my life and concluded I needed a do over, a restart if you w
ill. I needed it in order to gain some sanity. I knew I couldn’t do this on my own so as I drove, I prayed for the first time in a long time. I asked for guidance on my decisions, to find the happiness and joy I longed for and to allow me to find that companionship I wanted and hoped for. I prayed for strength, courage, and wisdom to take action once I found it. And most of all I asked for strength to move on from Lauren.
I missed her terribly and longed for her every day. Her living next door didn’t help matters either and I thanked God for having the type of job I had. I didn’t see her a lot, but every time I did, it brought back memories. Even a scent or a song on the radio triggered memories that I hoped would soon fade.
I didn’t know how I was going to move on with my life, but I knew this would be for the best.
What I wasn’t ready for was getting exactly what I had asked for. God loves to works in mysterious ways, doesn’t He?
To be Continued:
“Sometimes life gives you a second chance, or even two! Not always, but sometimes. It's what you do with those second chances that counts” - Dave Wilson
My Redemption Part 2
December 31th