"Thank you," I said even though I couldn’t shake the feeling that she didn't like me.
"And thank you and Mister Nathaniel for the high chair," Tess said. "We really do love it. Billy and I talked about what a handsome piece of furniture it is."
"You're welcome. We were happy to do that for you and Billy. We have several of Donnie's pieces. We like to support him, and it's a piece of furniture you can pass down to your children."
"I know, it's beautiful. Thank you. We'll take good care of it."
Nancy smiled. "Congratulations, sweetheart, and let us know when the baby comes."
"We will," Tess insisted nodding.
Nancy waved at both of us as she returned to the front of the restaurant where she would pick up her food and leave.
"Do you think she was upset with me? Is that why she was being short?" I asked.
"What do you mean short?" Tess asked, looking genuinely confused. She took a bite of her lunch.
"Don't you think it seemed like she was in a hurry?"
"No, not really," Tess said, shaking her head and chewing her food.
I thought about it as I took a bite of my sandwich. "I wonder if she's mad at me from when I stopped talking to Daniel," I said.
"I didn't think she was mad at you at all," Tess said, still looking confused.
I shrugged and smiled like she was probably right, but I didn't feel casual about it in my heart. I turned to look over my shoulder and saw Nancy paying for her food. I tried to figure out why seeing her made me feel bad. I was melancholy as a result of all these thoughts of Daniel and her visit to our table only made it worse. Nothing had been said to make me feel that way. Nancy was being friendly.
I was nostalgic for my friendship with Daniel, though, and suddenly filled with regret over ending it. I felt sick with myself about doing it at a time when he needed me the most.
"What happened, Abigail? What's the matter?" Tess asked the questions as if she was really concerned about me, and I realized my expression must have been reflecting my anxious thoughts.
"I was just thinking back," I said. "I was thinking about Daniel."
"What about him?"
"Those letters," I said dazedly. "I was remembering them, trying to. At the time, I was just…" I trailed off, feeling guilty for my selfishness. "I was preoccupied with my own stuff. I knew he was over there and everything, but I had feelings for…" I paused and took a bite of my sandwich for no other reason than to keep myself from crying. There was really no reason for me to be so worked up. I tried to tell myself that, but my emotions couldn't be controlled at the moment.
"For who?" Tess said, still looking confused.
"Albert," I said, pulling myself together, concentrating on my food. "I had feelings for Albert and everything, and I, I just feel bad. I'm just now realizing that Daniel probably thought we were… maybe he had some… feelings…" I sighed. "He probably thought things were different between us than I did. I don't know. I need to get home and look at those letters again. I need to read them again."
"Don't beat yourself up," she said. "Things turned out okay for him. He did well."
"I know, and I'm glad. I'm just thinking that I probably wasn't a very good friend."
"Well, you could always call and tell him that," she said. "I'm sure it's fine though. I didn't even realize you guys were talking all that time. He talks to Billy quite a bit. It seems like he would've said something if he was upset with you or anything."
"Yeah," I agreed even though I took no comfort in the fact that he hadn't mentioned me to Billy.
I sat there and ate that sandwich and responded to Tess and the conversation she made, but I was preoccupied thinking about Daniel and remembering the sequence of our friendship. My thoughts were unorganized and interrupted, but during the course of that meal, I somehow reasoned with myself and concluded that Daniel had been in love with me the whole time—maybe even since the very beginning. I had never known it or accepted it. I had treated him so casually.
I ate most of my sandwich, but it was only to make myself seem normal. I was sick to my stomach.
"I'd like to go down to the boardwalk," I said to Tess on our way out.
"Really? Just to walk around?"
"Yeah," I said, nodding.
"Do you want to go alone?" she asked, looking at me as if gaging my mood.
"Not necessarily," I said. "A walk might do you good." I gestured to her stomach. "It might shake things up in there."
"I was thinking that same thing," Tess said, smiling.
We went to the boardwalk.
I had been there lots of times. More recently, I went with Albert. But the memories that came to me as Tess and I walked were long ago memories—the ones that included Daniel. I tried to force myself into not thinking of him. I tried to tell myself that I was only yearning for him because he got that big honor. I told myself that I regretted losing him now that he was some famous war hero.
But that wasn't what my heart felt.
I felt regret, but it wasn't the selfish type. I knew I wasn't good enough for Daniel now. I might have been at one point, but I hadn't seen it then. Now I had done things and made decisions that made me unworthy of someone like him. I wasn't sad out of selfish regret. I truly did just want to make things right with him. But, then again, maybe that was selfish of me. Maybe I should just let him lead his life and not have the gratification of his forgiveness.
I went through the afternoon with my sister, saying the things she'd expect me to say so that she didn't know I was having a hard time internally. My regrets over Daniel were my problem, and I didn't want to put that on her—especially when she was about to give birth.
I left Galveston that evening, making Tess promise to call me as soon as they headed to the hospital.
I cried on my way home. I laughed, too. I was just emotional. I wasn't normally a dramatic type of person, but I was sad that I didn't get to meet the baby, and I was delirious with thoughts and memories regarding my relationship with Daniel.
Regret, I decided, was the worst of all emotions. I was sad and embarrassed and full of regret, and I had no one to blame but myself.
I thought of how aloof I was at a time when Daniel was scared and risking his life, and I felt sick with regret over it. That feeling only intensified when I got home to Starks and found the letters Daniel had written me.
I was currently living in an apartment with a roommate. It was a small complex owned by a friend of our family. I had been independent in college and then for a year in Galveston, so I was reluctant to move back in with my parents when I came home. I had been renting this apartment for a year. I carried a few things with me through all of my moves, and one of them was the box of letters. I had a few other keepsakes in there, but most of them were letters and most of those were from Daniel.
I went to the box the instant I got home. It had been a long time since I opened it, and I got a nostalgic feeling just from looking inside. I had gotten into the habit of putting the newest letters on top, so I simply sat the letters up on their side and started at the back of the pile, at the beginning. I read letters into the middle of the night. I stopped or took breaks, but all night, I kept going back to the box.
It was embarrassing how much I learned about Daniel. He wrote about things that I didn't even remember reading. Some of those letters, I wondered if I had even read them at all. One of them, I knew I hadn't read because it was literally still sealed. I cried when I opened it and the whole time I read it. Not because it was sad, but because Daniel assumed I had already read the things he wrote.
It was two pages long, and he wrote about his training, his friends, and a few of his experiences that week. He had taken the time to write it, trusting that I would read it, and I had let him down. Even the ones that I knew I had read seemed foreign to me. I was able to see how much he liked me when I had been completely blind to it before.
I thought he was only my friend, but it was only because I wanted to see
him that way. He hadn't felt that way about me at all. Daniel didn't pour his heart out in the letters, but he made it known that he carried a torch for me. I didn't have my letters to him, obviously, but I knew I had been casual. I cared for Daniel, but he was two years younger than me, and I had just seen him as a friend.
I thought back to what he looked like when we had first met. He had a busted nose, one that had been given to him by Billy. This was before they became friends and before Billy married my sister.
I had a history with Daniel, and I was ashamed of myself for just letting it end so casually. I had to reach out and let him know that I was sorry about that.
I decided I would find him and apologize. It couldn't be that hard. I knew he was in Fort Benning, Georgia. If all else failed, I could contact his parents and they could tell me how to reach him.
Chapter 3
My phone rang the following afternoon.
I fully expected to hear Daniel's voice when I answered it. My body experienced a jolt of excitement. I had spent the better part of my morning locating Daniel on a huge Army base and getting his current phone number. I had left a message for him telling him I would be home any time after 1pm. It was just after two, and I was excited that he had called back so soon.
I had been listening for the phone, so I picked up after the first ring. "Hello?" I said, trying to hide the fact that I had run to the phone and was now out of breath.
"Abigail Cohen," Daniel said. "How are you?" His voice was deep and patient, and I ached a little at the sound of it.
"Daniel King," I said, answering him. We were both smiling. It was obvious by how we sounded, and it was a gigantic relief on my end. "I'm good," I said. "Everything's good. I'm about to start teaching. It's my second year. I had a meeting this morning. What about you?" I stopped talking to catch my breath and let him answer.
"I'm good too," he said.
"My goodness. I saw your mom, and she was telling us about that medal you got. Congratulations, Daniel, what an honor. I knew you could do something great."
"Thank you," he said. "That was an honor. I was glad they could be here for it."
Daniel didn't seem nervous at all. In fact, he was so patient and mellow that I thought he might be indifferent about hearing from me. Maybe it was just that I was nervous. I had no idea. But I was nervous. I had about a million things to say to Daniel, but suddenly, I couldn’t think of any of them.
"I ran into your mom yesterday," I said, grasping at straws.
"Yeah, that's what you were saying on the message you left earlier," he said.
"I saw her at Carson's, and only for a minute."
"So, you're still living in Galveston?" he asked.
My heart pounded at the sound of his voice. It was familiar—maybe more confident than it used to be, but familiar. I had no idea why I was so nervous.
"No, no, I'm in Starks. I'm back home in Louisiana. I got a job teaching at the elementary school. I'm just about to start my second year."
"Oh, okay. That's good. What grade?"
"First," I said. I was still breathless and trying not to sound like it.
"Oh, well that's good. That's what you wanted," he said.
"Yeah. Your mom said you were done with being overseas but that you were planning on staying in Georgia for another year."
"Yeah, I signed-on for another year, but I won't go overseas again. I'll stay here. I might sign another contract after this trial year is up, but I'm not sure. I'll have to see how I like teaching and… living in Georgia."
"Doesn't your dad want you to come back and take over the store?"
"Eventually. But he's not trying to retire right now. I have a few years before I have to think about that."
"I was going to tell you that, Daniel, you know, if you're s-staying away, I just, I wanted to say, you know, that'd I'd love to write to you again. I was thinking about it so much, and going through some of the old letters, and… I'm sorry I failed you a couple of years ago. I made a huge mistake by telling you to stop writing me. I'm so sorry. If you'd be willing to let me, I could write twice a week like we said at first. I promise I wouldn't miss this time. I'll write certain days of the week like you did. I'm really sorry for the time I wasn't there for you, and I'd love to make it right. I'd love to talk again and catch up."
I was so nervous that my ramblings were breathless and quiet. I paused, and Daniel went so long without responding that I thought he had been cut off or that maybe he hadn't heard me. Maybe it would be a good thing if he hadn't.
"Hello?" I said.
"I'm here," he said.
"Oh, did you hear me?"
"Yes. I just… you really don't have to feel bad," he said.
"I can't help it," I said. "I do feel bad. I was a bad friend to you. I shouldn't have told you to stop writing me. I’m sorry."
"It's okay," Daniel said.
"No, it's not. I'm sorry. I would love to write to you again. If you want. I know I'm late, and you're not overseas anymore, but…"
"Well, I'm sort of in the same situation you were in the last time we talked," Daniel said.
"What? What do you mean?"
Daniel was quiet for a few seconds. "I mean, I'm in the same situation as you were in back then. I think if I would start writing you, maybe Kelly, the girl I'm seeing now, would get hurt by that."
"Oh, you're, Kelly? You're seeing a girl named… Kel… you're… yeah… oh, yeah, definitely. I didn't know you were… I wasn't trying to say that. I was just, you know, as friends or whatever. Wanting to catch up."
I clamped my mouth shut. I literally covered my mouth with my own hand. My heart pounded. My stomach flipped. I closed my eyes. My own blood pumping was causing my ears to ring.
"I'm sorry," he said. "It's really new, this thing between Kelly and me. She's from here, actually. I only met her a couple of weeks ago."
"Oh, no, I totally… I wasn't saying it like that, anyway. But I totally understand about not wanting to be in touch at all if you're with someone."
"Well, it's new, like I said. I introduced her as a friend to my parents, but you know, it's been a few weeks, and I would hate to…" He trailed off briefly, but it was long enough that I started babbling again.
"Oh, yeah, definitely. That's great. That's exciting for you—that you met someone. I'm glad your parents got to meet her, too. I saw your mom, but she didn't mention…" I was going to say she didn't mention meeting a woman when she was in Georgia, but I just gave up and stopped talking in the middle of a sentence.
There were a few seconds of awkward silence.
"I hadn't heard from you in so long that I just assumed we probably wouldn't talk again," he said.
"Yeah, oh, yeah. No, yeah. I figured that, too. I just saw your mom, and I… I'm… I was… I don't even live in Galveston. I did—for a year, you know, but not anymore. I'm back home in Louisiana now." I took a deep breath, trying my best to compose myself. "I was just thinking about old times after I saw your mom. Tess is about to have her baby, so I was in Galveston for the shower and everything. I just came back home yesterday. She still hasn't had the baby."
"Yeah, I talked to Billy yesterday."
"Oh, really? Billy? Yesterday?"
"We talk every other week or so," Daniel said. "I thought I would have heard about the baby by now, so I called him yesterday."
"Oh, I didn't know you and Billy still talked that much." I took another deep breath.
I hadn't talked to Daniel in two years. I had talked to Billy a lot in that time, but he never mentioned Daniel or told me that they kept in contact. I felt embarrassed, humiliated, rejected, overflowing with guilt and regret.
"I'm so sorry, Daniel."
"Don't be sorry, Abby. I'm happy to hear from you." His voice was deep and genuine, full of care and concern, full of forgiveness.
"I know, I’m happy to hear from you, too," I said even though I hadn't technically heard from him.
In that moment, I realized that I had my h
eart set on trying to be with Daniel when I called him. I thought I just wanted to make amends with him, to make things right from when I abandoned him, but that wasn't the truth. I also wanted him to like me. I wanted to pick up where we left off. I knew this because my heart felt broken when he told me he was with someone else.
I had to get past that.
I had to think of him and not me.
I knew I had to act fast before I lost the nerve.
"I know you're seeing someone," I said. "And I don't want to keep you too long or get you in trouble with that or anything, but I just wanted to talk to you for a minute. I don't know how to say this other than to say 'thank you'. Thanks for everything you did over there, Daniel. I was talking to my dad about it this morning, and he said that you had to do something really brave to have gotten that medal, and I just wanted to… I don't know… say thanks for doing that. And to tell you I'm proud of you for going over there and being so brave and everything… and that I'm sorry that I… wasn't there for you more." I got choked up while I was speaking, and I had to pause and speak slowly to get the words out, but I did it. My speech wasn't graceful sounding, but I managed, and I said the things that had been on my heart.
There were a few seconds of silence where I just waited, heart pounding, for Daniel to say something.
"Thank you," he said, finally. "Thank you for saying that, Abby."
He was so sincere and thoughtful that I couldn't help but let out a sigh. "Please don't," I said. "I don't feel like I deserve to be thanked." Hot stinging tears rose to my eyes, and I was glad we were on the phone so Daniel couldn't see me cry. I didn't even worry about wiping my face, I just let the tears fall onto my cheeks since I was alone in the room. "I'm calling to thank you," I said, speaking softly and controlling my voice through the silent tears. "And to ask your forgiveness. I didn't realize how selfish I was being. I'm sorry for telling you not to write me. I shouldn't have done that." I sighed.
The Trouble with Crushes: A Romance (Bank Street Stories Book 2) Page 2