None of them knew where to take the conversation after that. He didn’t understand what she meant, and he guessed his father didn’t either. It was sometime later when Zayden wandered out of the room, saying he needed sleep, leaving Rain alone with her. His big sister, so full of darkness that he wasn’t sure how to reach her.
“Mave?”
“I’m fine,” she replied quickly. “I didn’t like how being fertile made me feel. I was scared and vulnerable. I never want to go through that again.”
“I bet, but no one in this village would ever hurt you,” he reminded her.
“It doesn’t matter. You should know that.” The look on her face when she turned away from the fire and looked at him made him realize she knew exactly how deep his own pain went. “You do know that.”
“I’m getting better,” he whispered.
“But never to the way you were before. There’s no chance of reclaiming that. Once broken, something always bears the scar of how it was put back together. It might be fixed but never the way it was.” She reached out, opening a hand toward him. He met her halfway, taking it and squeezing softly. “I know when I next go into my fertile cycle, I could lash out. I’ll be the dangerous one, Rain. Just like when one of the young males hits on you, you react…unpleasantly.”
He winced at her observation. “They can be pushy.”
“Were they that way before you were taken?” she asked softly. “Is it a good pushy or a bad pushy?”
“Is there a difference?” he growled, trying to keep his volume down.
“Once, I would have told you no, but Mat has taught me the opposite. Sometimes, I really enjoy when he’s pushy.” With a small smile, she tugged him. “Now, answer my question.”
He had to look away from her. She was right. She was always right, it seemed.
“They’ve always been pushy. I was never the most dominant male, and they picked up on that and being me…I enjoyed the male attention. I was desirable,” he finally answered. “But now, I just think about the pits and the crude comments and…” He swallowed the rest of the sentence, not wanting to give that day in the pits more of a voice than it already had.
“Same for me when I think of possibly being fertile. You know you can always talk to me,” she reminded him. “Always, Rain.”
He nodded, touched she felt the need to remind him of that. He didn’t talk to anyone about what happened, though. He still couldn’t bring himself to even consider it.
“I know. I think I’ve been good though. I’ve got mornings with Alchan. My winter long punishment is going well. He’s not too hard on me, and it gives me somewhere to be and something to do. Then I’ve got these dinners with my two favorite people. I have the Company and our big family with it. I’ll be okay.”
“Good. With that said, I’m going to head out and get some rest. You have a good night, illi bodyr.” She stood up but didn’t release his hand. He closed his eyes as she leaned down over him and kissed the top of his head. His mother used to do the exact same thing when she was telling him goodnight. There was no way Mave knew that, but he loved it nonetheless.
“Goodnight, illo amyr,” he said softly as she released his hand. He silently yearned for her not to leave him—not alone. He didn’t like to be alone anymore. When the door closed behind her, he closed his eyes and leaned back in his seat, enjoying the heat of the fire, trying to pretend the world wasn’t so dark. His father was just down the hall in his room. Rain wasn’t alone.
He never went to his room, staying in the chair all night, half-haunted. He could smile in front of everyone, tell everyone that everything was going to be okay, but the moment he was alone, it all crashed back down on him. He wrapped his arms around himself, leaning over. He put his head between his knees, hoping it would help stop the dizziness from coming. The panic was edging its way into his mind, taking over.
Stop it. I’m not alone. Baba is here. I’m not alone. I’ll never be alone again.
That was a lie. He would be alone again. Life was too long to think he would always have company around to protect him from this. Rain switched his tactic.
I’m strong enough to protect myself. I’ll keep working on it. I’ll never be beaten again. I’m a wyvern and an Andinna. I have nothing to fear.
It didn’t help as much as he wanted.
9
Alchan
Alchan was up early. He didn’t want to be, but there he was, making breakfast before dawn was even on the horizon. It made him crankier than it had any right to. He got up early every day and had for centuries. Most of the time, it didn’t bother him to be up before most of the world, but today, it annoyed the shit out of him. It made him want to revert back to a child, stomp his feet, and complain. Why couldn’t he sleep in every so often like every other Andinna?
He considered that train of thought for a minute.
I’m too old to be complaining about this. This is my fault, anyway.
He was nearly done cooking when a polite, quiet knock came at his door. He looked over his shoulder and knew it had to be Rainev. Only that young male bothered with polite knocking. If anyone else from the Company showed up this early, they would be kicking down his door and need to be put in their place. Sure, they had all known he was the King and their boss, but they were Andinna. Being a king only got one so far when it came to dealing with the Andinna temper.
“Come in,” he called out, turning back to the meal he was cooking. He frowned as he realized he hadn’t made enough for two. Normally, when Rain was over this early, he hadn’t eaten breakfast yet. Alchan wouldn’t have the young male training on an empty stomach.
“Good morning, sir,” he greeted his king, bowing his head respectfully to Alchan, who was standing in his kitchen over his cooking fire.
Alchan looked over his shoulder, an eyebrow raised. Why did this male always call him sir? He figured after months of being told not to, it would have stuck, but he realized Zayden’s manners training on the young male was stronger. He would have to deal with it later.
“Did you eat yet?”
“I had a small breakfast. I can get started on something while you have your coffee and breakfast.”
Alchan didn’t reply immediately, looking over the young male. He wasn’t going to send Rainev out looking the way he did, that was certain. The young male was pale, his blue features seeming to contrast his skin but match the dark circles under his eyes.
“Well, that’s a problem. I have nothing for you to do today. Sit down, let me eat, then we’ll get started on your training.”
It’s not much of a lie. He really has done every chore I can possibly think of. I’m running out of things for him to do as punishment. Alchan pulled his food off the fire and slid it all onto a plate. Maybe I can have him clean my house…and get some real sleep. Last time he showed up like this, I was afraid he would fall asleep in my pond.
“How was your night?” Alchan asked as he sat down with the plate of eggs and venison steak. He looked over Rainev further, feeling a bubble of protectiveness well up in him. Someone or something was keeping his warrior awake, and it was hurting his health. It happened maybe once a week, and it was beginning to seriously worry him.
“Good.” Rain swallowed. Alchan watched as the young male looked for escape routes, probably hoping for an excuse to get out of his line of sight. “I’ll make you a coffee—”
“Don’t worry about it. You’re a little early. You look like you haven’t slept. What’s wrong?” He took a bite of his steak, wondering if he just made the right decision. If it were any other male in the Company, he knew it would work. He could call any of them out and know they would give him the truth. They might not like it, and he might be uncomfortable dealing with their personal matters, but it would get done. Rainev wasn’t one of his normal warriors, though. Alchan was smart enough to recognize that.
“Just didn’t sleep. Happens sometimes.”
Sure, Rainev. We’ll run with that lie for now.
&
nbsp; “I know, and you’ll suffer in training thanks to it. One day, you’ll get yourself hurt or worse. If you want to talk about it, you know you can talk to me.”
Rainev only nodded.
It annoyed him the young male still wasn’t comfortable talking to him. Alchan wanted to reach out and smack the side of his head. He wasn’t going to judge the young male for anything, even what was keeping him awake.
He already figured it out, of course. He saw the signs of a male who’d been victimized. He’d seen it for centuries, and the young male wasn’t the first member of the Company who displayed them. The way Luykas acted was also a sign. He tried desperately not to hover when Rainev was around. His brother only acted like that when something was seriously wrong.
But Alchan knew he couldn’t drag it out of Rainev as he could everyone else, and the young male barely spoke to him. He was beginning to get frustrated, so he changed his tactic.
“One day, you’ll need to get comfortable around me, Rainev. I might be an asshole, but I know how to lead, and communication is important, not just for me but for you as well.” Maybe that would work.
“You make it sound easy,” Rainev muttered. “Can I get a coffee?”
“Go for it.” Alchan gestured with his fork, considering what Rainev had just said. It stank of a young attitude he hadn’t yet seen from Rainev. He’d struck a nerve. It was something he could work with. “It’s not easy. It’s not easy for me, Luykas, or anyone else, but we’ve had hundreds of years to become a unit. You’re young, and you’ll learn.”
Rainev nodded again as he sat down with his new mug of coffee.
“My father says it’s finding a balance. Sometimes, ignoring you’re our king is the easiest way to get through a day. Sometimes, it’s the only thing that keeps the Company together and alive.” He sighed. “It’s not like I think you’ll beat me or anything if I say something stupid. It’s embarrassing, really.”
Your father, for all his problems, is a smart male.
“You looked up to the males around your father. I lead all those males. I already know your problem, I’m just telling you to get over it.” He realized what he could say. Rainev’s biggest issue was his confidence—how badly the pits in Elliar had shaken him and his belief in himself. It kept Rainev from being comfortable with training with a king. It was the reason why he was desperate to be trained. Alchan wanted to grin but resisted. After months of back and forth, he had a new tactic. Perfect.
“The real question is when are you going to realize you’re one of those males now?”
“You think so?” Rain snorted.
Alchan wanted to grumble as he realized he’d upset the young male. It was written all over his face. That wasn’t his intention.
“I was captured by the Elvasi. I was thrown into the pits. I couldn’t…” He couldn’t finish the sentence. “I failed my first mission and got myself and Matesh captured.”
It was a classic lack of confidence. Alchan had to keep pressing his advantage. It was the first one Rainev had given him, and he intended to exploit it as much as he could. He had to fix Rainev’s perception of his capture—that was step one.
“No, I got you both captured. Rather, Luykas and I did. We didn’t expect the plan to need to change right as we were executing it. It happens to everyone, both in times of war and peace.” Alchan gave him a bitter smile. It still bothered him to think about how he’d gotten them captured. He and Luykas had made a stupid mistake, not leaving room for the males to have a backup plan, especially on Rainev’s first mission.
“Don’t take the blame for things when your leaders are willing to. You followed orders. We screwed up. When Leshaun and Zayden came to us to make a plan to free you, my brother and I already knew we were going to. So, with that said, when are you going to realize you’re now one of the males you’ve always looked up to?”
Rainev’s face changed, his mouth dropping open a little. Alchan knew he’d brought the conversation back where he wanted it. The young male was touched by what he’d said if his face was anything to go by.
His grandmother would have been proud. She and his aunts had always been good at swaying the emotions of those around them with a few well-timed words and little effort. He was still learning, still struggling with it, but this time, he’d succeeded.
“And so, I render the young one silent. I’ll have to tell Luykas. He’ll never believe it.” Snorting, he shoved another bite of eggs into his mouth. When Rain remained quiet, he put his fork down and leaned back. “You can keep talking any time now.”
“You think of me as one of the Company? Not the kid who decides to follow you all around?” Rainev said in a small voice that made Alchan want to frown. It wasn’t what he expected, certainly—not the question nor its delivery.
“I never thought of you like that,” Alchan answered honestly. He knew Rainev wouldn’t believe that, so he continued, hoping his explanation made sense. “You didn’t try to join the Company until you were already handy with a blade and had spent years working with the single males in the village. I saw the potential for a strong new member who had a skill none of us do. Being Zayden’s son just meant I knew you would mesh well with the entire Company since they, of course, already knew you. Now, if you had tried to join up right after your mother passed on, I would have turned you away, but Luykas and Mat knew what they were doing when they approached me with the idea. It was the right time.”
“Thank you.”
“Now, about why you aren’t sleeping—” He didn’t want to lose the chance to dig deeper. He had Rainev where he wanted him—it was time to go for the kill.
“I’m going to go chop some firewood. The dining hall always needs more.” Rain jumped up, taking his mug with him. He was a few steps away when Alchan realized what had happened. It reminded him of Ten—he’d done the same thing more than once, hoping to avoid an uncomfortable discussion.
He couldn’t stop himself, starting to chuckle. It shouldn’t have been funny. A thousand years go by, and the world changes, but young males stay the same. He’d once done the same thing to General Lorren. He’d done it to his own family. It made sense the world would see it done to him at every opportunity.
It took him a moment, but he looked back up at Rainev and waved him away.
“Go. I won’t pry.”
He chuckled harder as the young male practically ran out of the room. Alchan had to wipe his eyes before he could continue his breakfast. He took his time, knowing Rainev probably wanted some distance. He dragged his feet as he finished eating and cleaned his kitchen. By the time he was done, it was well past time to get started on the day. He grabbed two swords on his way to the door, one of his, the other belonging to his brother. It was too big for Rainev, but that was the point—strengthening Rainev’s sword arm by using it.
He stepped out onto his porch and looked down at Rainev chopping wood with a single-minded focus. He was getting stronger every day. Alchan took a moment to consider the changes the young male had seen through the winter. He’d been a lean youth who still needed to grow into the body he had. Now, Rainev was packed with muscle. Still small, would always be small, but more defined. He’d filled out and was bulking up. The physical labor was good for him, something Alchan had thought about when winter started. He knew using Rainev’s punishment to help his training would give the young male motivation.
What he hadn’t expected was how he would feel seeing Rainev change and finish growing up.
Alchan had spent years flat out ignoring Zayden’s only child. He wasn’t good with children and didn’t want to be involved with them. He didn’t want what Luykas had, being the doting uncle. He had to keep a degree of separation, anyway. If Zayden had died at any point, the blame would have fallen on his shoulders, and that would sour anything he could have had with Rainev growing up. Because of that, Alchan didn’t really know the boy Rainev was.
He could see the adult male he was becoming though. He could see the strength that lived
under his skin, under the deep blue tatua that delicately traced the muscles that had formed over the winter.
He came to the conclusion anyone with eyes could—Rainev was attractive. If he was into females, he would have the pick of the litter. Being into males, he probably made some males question their preference. He probably could have any male he really wanted if the male was into that sort of thing.
I’m into that sort of thing.
He winced—he knew better than to even remotely consider his own warriors that way—but the errant thought made him consider other problems. Rainev was vulnerable. After what probably happened to him in the pits and his ability to turn into a wyvern, being an attractive male probably wasn’t helpful. He probably received a lot of attention he didn’t want anymore. He could easily turn into a very dangerous problem if anyone pushed him into something he didn’t want. Add in that the young male was losing sleep, and Alchan realized he was sitting on a powder keg like the dwarves used to blow holes in mountains—maybe even something more destructive.
I’ll have to keep an eye out for him. He’s my warrior, and it’s my fault he was captured. I’ll make sure nothing happens. It’s the least I can do for him.
Alchan leaned on the side of his cliff, watching Rainev with a level of professional curiosity and more than a little possessive protectiveness. He was secretly protective of all his warriors. He could never act on it because he couldn’t solve all their problems, but they were his. Rainev was his. For some reason, tragedy always reminded him of that, like when Rainev and Matesh were captured.
With that on his mind, he knew he needed to start the morning training. Rainev’s real reasons for wanting this training were becoming clearer every day, and now, Alchan knew exactly what was really going on. The young male wanted to be strong enough that he could handle anyone who tried to hurt him. It was smart thinking and would boost his confidence and help him in the future.
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