by Anne Dickson
On the other hand, anger is an emotion in response to the real or perceived transgression of our physical or emotional boundaries. It is like an eruption upwards, a volcanic response to internal pressures when defences and controls have to give way: it does not require an object for expression and release. It is often a very dynamic force, shocking in its energy but it need not do any harm. Anger is more an expression of self in response to frustration, unfairness or invasion; to being ignored, overlooked or trapped; to the experience of oppression and repression in all their forms.
Aggression actually belongs in a different category of emotion altogether. Fundamentally it is rooted in anxiety and fear: it is very much associated with the ladders of power and status described earlier and is completely embedded in a perceived need to win (rather than lose), to crush (rather than be crushed), to succeed (rather than fail) to gain or regain status (rather than face the prospect of demotion).
Bearing this distinction in mind, how do we ensure we express our anger without getting caught up in the habit of aggression? The following guidelines will help.
The assertive expression of anger
Assertive expression has to be addressed in two parts because there are two separate dimensions: the need to release the energy physically and reduce the stress level in your body and the second, equally important need to communicate your anger. It makes no difference in which order they come but it is imperative that you don’t attempt both dimensions at once for reasons which will soon become clear.
Physical release We recognise when we are angry from body signals. We feel hot, we go red in the face, we want to stamp or jump up and down. However anger can rise up in us without such obviously dynamic signals: frustration and pressure also have the effect of causing us to feel hemmed in and stifled, of feeling inert and blank. Learn to identify what happens in your own body. Once you detect the physical sensation, you can recognise what you are feeling and then respond appropriately. Obviously it may not be possible to do so at the time when you recognise you’re angry: you’re unlikely to want to erupt in an important meeting or yell at the boss or hit out at your children or have a tantrum in the middle of the supermarket. You can choose to control this in the short-term and find a way of calming down and regaining composure for the moment: going for a short walk, focusing outside your distress or counting to ten, whatever works for you. However, in the longer term, it is important to make a mental note to give yourself some uninhibited ‘release time’ as soon as possible.
The following ways of ‘release and letting go’ are among those recommended by course participants: driving with the windows closed and yelling or screaming at the top of your voice; scrubbing the floor; kneading bread; slamming doors; going for a long run; punching cushions; singing loudly; stamping or jumping up and down; strangling a towel; biting hard into a towel or screaming your head off; hitting the wall with an old tennis racket; breaking old crockery; writing an uncensored letter of rage (but not sending it!). You may have your own personal way of letting off steam: choose whatever works best for you.
The more often you allow yourself this space when you need it, the less you accumulate tension and rage; the more accustomed you become to dealing with events as they happen, the lower and more manageable you will keep the internal pressure. The other advantage is that it becomes easier to admit to being angry, at the time, assertively and clearly without precipitating an avalanche of stored-up tension. With the information about what is happening inside you, you can allow yourself to decide what to do in a particular context, whereas simply denying your feelings makes life much more difficult.
Communication The reason for separating release from the dimension of communication is that it is not humanly possible to communicate assertively when you literally ‘see red’. None of us can be clear enough when feeling any intensity of emotion, whether extreme fear, grief or anger. High emotional arousal will trigger all sorts of chemicals to surge round the body and these will affect the function of the brain: as a consequence our perceptions are distorted. Our mental capacities cannot function properly during a state of high emotional arousal which is why we need to have enough distance from strong emotion if we want to say something clearly.
Even though some people believe themselves to be articulate and focussed when they are angry, assertive communication requires you to be more specific than simply conveying your feelings. And it’s also useful to remember that anyone on the receiving end of someone else’s outburst will automatically become defensive and mentally shield themselves: their own anxiety will impair their ability to hear what is being communicated even if you’re convinced you are being crystal clear in your message. You need to have sufficient distance to be able to follow three steps:
Express your feelings appropriately: in other words, match what you say to the level of what you feel. This can range from mildly irritated to absolutely outraged.
Describe the reason for your feelings: in other words, identify the behaviour that is causing you to feel this way and, if you want to avoid aggression, you will have to discipline yourself to let go the habit of blame. It is always tempting to hold the other person responsible for causing you to feel in a particular way but it is important that you resist this temptation because the moment you resort to accusation or blame (even indirectly), you set yourself on an aggressive path and the other person will respond in kind.
Request a change: This may be as simple as asking the person to stop whatever it is they are saying or doing or it may be more complex. Either way you need to be specific.
These steps are relevant whether you are expressing anger on the spot, when you confront someone immediately and also when you look at a relationship from a longer-term perspective and decide to approach someone to talk about their behaviour in the past.
A congruent message
Given the resistance I’ve already described among women to acknowledge their anger, simply getting the phrase ‘I feel angry’ out of one’s lips can feel like a daunting challenge. But it is important to give yourself permission to do just that because, in using this phrase, you are stating that you have had enough, that your limits have been reached, that you don’t like what is happening, that someone has crossed a boundary, all of which is very much part of establishing genuine self-esteem.
Our body language often reflects our ambivalence. We may grit our teeth or end up in tears instead of getting angry. To make matters worse, as I mentioned earlier, we usually smile: the kind of smile which stems from nervousness and a desire to placate. This confuses everyone because of the double message. If you want to be angry with conviction you must first be aware of your smile and try and lose it.
Your voice and body need to match the content of your speech so that that you make a clear, unequivocal impact. You may need to practise raising your voice level. Often we have become so unaccustomed to using our voices that raising the volume seems at first physically impossible. However, sometimes we need to push through our controlled and reasonable tones. Strength and conviction do not include sarcasm: this is where you need to be careful. A slight inflection of contempt or a sneer will undermine the assertive nature of your expression. Once it tips over into hostility, the expression becomes aggressive rather than assertive.
Hitting the right note has a lot to do with relaxation. When we are faced with a confrontation we are often paralysed by anxiety. Anxiety restricts our breathing: the throat tightens and our attempts to shout end only in producing a high-pitched squeak. Practise increasing the volume of your voice and learn that you can still have control of it. If you deepen your breathing, you will deepen the sound so that the tone of your voice will be more effective.
Gemma was standing next to two male colleagues in the bar after the first day of a conference. The men got into discussing Mac, their immediate boss and an unlikeable man who was unpopular with most of his department. Ron, one of the two, was relating an anecdote about Mac’s latest exploit and said, wit
h some feeling, ‘He is such a cunt, that guy . . . ’ The other man, Jim, nodded in agreement. Gemma was phased for a few moments. Her instant response had been to wince: she hated that word used in this way. Although she wasn’t really part of the conversation, they’d been aware she was there.
She thought about it a few moments and then said: ‘Look, guys, I have to say something. I really hate it when you use that word with such contempt. I mean, I don’t like Mac any more than you do but it makes me so angry when this is the only word you can use.’ (There is an awkward pause). Gemma continued: ‘Can’t you find another one?’ she asked with a bit of a smile. (The tension lessens) ‘How about ‘dickhead’?’ said Ron. ‘Would that be more acceptable?’ To which Gemma’s response was ‘Absolutely.’
Gemma had been able to indicate a boundary crossed: without blame and without getting into a whole sexist debate. By moving the conversation on, she was able to help restore ‘normality’ to the dynamic among the three of them. Expressing anger without aggression is an essential part of developing self-esteem because we can draw strength from knowing what we are willing and unwilling to tolerate.
Marsha is gay and while she makes no secret of it, she believes her private life is exactly that – private – so she doesn’t thrust her lesbian identity in everyone’s face. There’s a bit of friction between herself and a colleague, Amjad, and she suspects he’s uncomfortable with her but has never bothered to clear it. One morning, Amjad is conducting an unofficial poll in the open plan office about whether or not a particular TV celebrity is attractive: he asks the women to vote and then the men: he is counting them up. ‘So the guys are yes, the girls say no . . . ’ and when he sees Marsha, he quips ‘What about you, Marsha? You’re an undecided, are you, keeping your options open?’ There is a brief, awkward silence and then everyone goes back to their screens.
Marsha is left fuming but makes the wise decision not to confront Amjad right there in what would be a public arena. Her decision is wise because it is very hard to avoid an aggressive outcome when the person you are talking to feels ‘on display’. So she asks him a few minutes later to meet her outside the main office.
Marsha: Amjad, I want you to know that I felt very angry about what you said in there just now.
Amjad: It was a joke . . . I thought you were cool about it.
Marsha: It wasn’t funny to me. I’m proud of my sexuality but for me it’s something private and I would like you to respect that.
Amjad: I think you’re over-reacting.
Marsha: Amjad. I’m serious. Just cut it out.
He realises she means what she says. She recognises that it is time to end the conversation and goes back into the office, leaving Amjad to sort out his own response to her challenge. He may have been surprised, genuinely taken aback or secretly knowing he had been goading her: what mattered is that there was no aggression in Marsha’s words but she was clearly angry and when she intensified the level of expression, he got the message.
Taking the aggression out of your expression does not mean you have to simper. We often have difficulty in matching the tone and facial expression to the strength of what we are feeling: the distinction between expressing your anger with clarity and revealing it in all its forcefulness is an important one to learn. If the other person doesn’t respond the first time or take you seriously, you may have to repeat your statement or request, like Marsha, to get your point across unequivocally.
Fear of our own anger spills over into fear of others’ anger, especially as it is usually expressed aggressively which leads to uncertainty as to how to confront someone who is yelling at us. Sandra worked as a social worker and frequently had to deal with hostile clients. She wanted to know how to do this more effectively so she practised dealing with a particularly volatile individual who had stormed into her office one morning.
She had first to practise raising her voice which meant battling through several layers of self-consciousness. We tend not to be familiar with the power of our own voices but we have to master this if we want to interrupt a diatribe issuing forth from the other person. You need to get their attention before you say anything and this requires you to match the volume of your voice to theirs. So first of all, use a simple phrase like ‘listen to me’ or, preferably, the person’s name: call and repeat the name. As soon as the person pauses – because they will if you persist and look them in the eye and match their volume – then you say something simple like ‘I want you to listen to me.’
This is how it went for Sandra:
She is in her office at her desk when the door opens with a bang and John Simmons is in front of her. The surprise, not to mention shock of someone’s entrance like this, is hard to move away from so this does take practice.
John: (at full volume and very agitated) I’m glad you’re here for once. I have been leaving messages for you and you never respond. Why don’t you ever get back to me? You know they’re going to take her away soon.
Sandra: Mr Simmons
John: (continues) I’m absolutely sick of this. Why did you bother to say you’d help?
Sandra: Mr Simmons (a bit louder)
John: (continues) You’re just like the rest of them . . .
Sandra: Mr Simmons (louder this time and she stands up to establish better eye contact. John pauses for two seconds then continues ) You don’t have any idea of what it’s like.
Sandra: Mr Simmons (she remains standing and raises her voice a bit more. He pauses this time for three seconds.)
John: What?
Sandra: I can’t respond to you when you’re shouting at me like this. Please lower your voice.
John: Why should I?
Sandra: (reduces her own volume) Mr Simmons. I understand you’re very angry and I’d like to help but I want you to stop shouting at me so we can have a proper conversation. (This time she gets through to him.)
Sandra: Please have a seat.
Matching the volume, making eye contact and repetition will usually get someone’s attention however wrapped up they are in their own feelings. Once they look at you, hold their attention. Follow through immediately with a short phrase, whatever you want to communicate: for example ‘I know you’re angry. We’ll talk later when you have calmed down’ or ‘I know you’re angry but I’m frightened when you’re behaving like this’.
If you follow through straightaway the other person will hear you and then you have a chance to communicate.
When you practise this in role-play (and it is essential to practise this beforehand) you may find that, being generally unfamiliar with the power of your own voice, you are quite startled when the other person stops, so you back away, dumbstruck. Practice will help you to follow through at that vital moment. One final point: if you try and it does not work and the person continues regardless, then remember you always have an option to walk away.
One final point in this chapter is challenging aggression, not in a one-off situation like the above example, but when it is a pattern, especially in someone you’re close to. Steph lives with Paul and they have been together about four years. Things started going wrong when Paul lost his job six months ago. He became morose and although he’s looked for other work, his whole manner has changed. Steph is still working – and enjoying it – but she can’t talk about it at all because it will always provoke an aggressive outburst. Her response has been to sit tight and wait for it to pass and she doesn’t know what to do. She feels a mixture of fear and anger: she has become scared of him but also has had enough of feeling she has to walk on eggshells in her own home.
What does she want to change? She wants his aggression towards her to stop.
Steph decides to talk to Paul when they are sitting at home after dinner. He is watching TV but nothing important.
Steph: Paul, I want to talk to you about something.
Paul: What?
Steph: Just something I want to say to you. (Paul’s eyes are still fixed on the screen.)
Steph: Pa
ul, I need you to listen to me.
Paul: (looks at her) I am listening.
Steph: I’m feeling awkward about this, Paul, so I’d rather turn the telly off for minute.
Paul: (surprised) What’s the matter?
Steph: Can we turn it off? (Paul picks up the remote and turns it off.)
Steph: (clears her throat) I’m feeling really nervous about saying this, Paul, but recently . . . since you lost the job . . . you’ve become really aggressive and moody and I hate it basically.
Paul: You don’t have to take it personally.
Steph: Well, I do take it personally. You shout at me for the slightest thing. I can’t mention my work at all ‘cause you jump down my throat and . . . I know it’s not me that’s making you angry and that it’s really hard for you, but I hate it. It’s making me not want to come home in the evenings.
Paul: (now a bit alarmed) Why didn’t you say so before?
Steph: I don’t know. I didn’t want to make things worse. I want to support you, Paul, but I am just getting too tense myself. You really scare me. You shout and then you storm off . . . I hate it. I need to feel welcome when I come home, not just cope with your resentment. (There is a silence between them.)
Paul: So what do you want? Greet you with a smile and a bunch of roses every evening?
Steph: Don’t be daft. I want you to stop taking it out on me. I want to help you if you’re willing to be more open but if you’d rather deal with everything on your own, then stop shouting at me. Can’t you understand that?
Paul: (shrugs his shoulders) I don’t know what to say.
We’ve reached the point when it is time to close the conversation. Paul needs time to think things over: unlike Steph he hasn’t been aware of her feelings accumulating for six months. Steph also needs time to recover: this kind of important conversation always leaves us a bit unsettled even when we know we’ve said what we wanted to say.
Steph: That’s fine. We both need time to think. Look, put the telly back on . . . I’ll go and make some tea. (Gets up and goes to the kitchen.)