by Anne Dickson
What makes us hold back? Why is it that we let things build up to a point when feelings, which may have been minor in the beginning, eventually take on major proportions?
As we have seen, the first obstacle is that what we are feeling is judged to be negative and since the whole area of criticism has acquired such negative connotations, a whole host of reasons for not saying anything come into our minds.
We find all sorts of plausible justifications for holding back and keeping quiet. Do you recognise any of the following ‘good reasons’ for not expressing your feelings?
It’s not their fault: ‘He’s just in a bad mood’; ‘She didn’t know what she was doing’; ‘He can’t help it’; ‘She’s going through a bad patch.’
It’s not important: ‘It’s too trivial’; ‘I’m being over-sensitive’; ‘It’s just not worth making a fuss about’; ‘Nobody’s perfect’; ‘Who am I to judge?’
The need to protect someone else: ‘She’s over-tired/too sensitive, too ill, too young/too old’; ‘He couldn’t take it’; ‘She’d feel terribly offended if I told her how I felt’; ‘He’d be devastated if I said anything.’
There’s no point: ‘He’ll never listen’; ‘She won’t change’; ‘It won’t make any difference’; ‘Some things you just have to put up with.’
Fear of the consequences: ‘Maybe he’ll criticise me/maybe she’ll lose her temper’; ‘He could get really nasty’; ‘How will she react if I say something now, after all this time?’; ‘I don’t want to rock the boat’; ‘I may be fired’; ‘He’ll leave me’; ‘It’ll open a can of worms.’
Fear of making a bad impression: ‘If I’m wrong, I’ll look stupid; ‘I don’t want to make a fool of myself’; ‘I don’t want to look petty/unreasonable/ungrateful.’
It’s not the right moment: ‘We’re all having such a lovely time . . . it is Christmas after all’; ‘I’m in someone else’s home’; ‘it’s the middle of dinner’; ‘I can’t make a scene in front of all these people’; ‘I can’t bring it up now’; ‘It’s too late to say anything.’
What is interesting about these excuses and rationalisations is that most of them revolve around the issue of relative power. If you look again at what we say to ourselves in justification for doing nothing, you’ll see the phrases cluster around one of the two aspects of perpendicular power. Because of our past experience of criticism, reviewed in the previous chapter, we associate criticism with handing down something from on high: in other words from someone on a higher rung on the ladder to someone on a lower one. When we identify with the higher position, our fears tend to be focus on the aggressive and hurtful power of criticism, regarding it as a weapon which can cause harm: hence those concerns about others’ inability for one reason or another to cope with its damaging effects.
On the other hand, if we identify with the lower position on the ladder in regard to the other person, then our concerns revolve around our own ability to survive. We fear being wrong or made to look stupid; we fear retaliation and unpleasant consequences of daring to speak ‘above our station’.
Whichever position we’re in, we anticipate that criticism will have negative repercussions. The problem is that when we shy away from saying something important to us, the resentment and the hurt are only temporarily shelved. Instead of speaking up while our grievance is still small and manageable, we store it up. Eventually the pressure builds up and we explode, often at someone who is close to us who either doesn’t deserve it at all or, if the criticism is legitimate, they become a target for all the unexpressed frustration we’ve been carrying around towards everyone and everything else. Suddenly, whether or not someone volunteers to make you a cup of tea becomes a life and death issue. A scratch on the paintwork, the top left off the toothpaste tube, your hair moved slightly out of place, a flippant remark, one abrupt email: some tiny event can assume huge significance.
Stored-up resentment distorts what we feel and what we say. We start with an attempt to make a simple statement or request but, in the confusion, things get out of control: we lose our grip and we grab at anything that we know will hit home to help regain some control of the exchange. A small remark escalates to pitched battle with both people fighting it out, establishing the dynamic of an arena. Here is a sample piece of dialogue you might hear in such an arena:
A: That was a stupid thing to do.
B: I wouldn’t have done it if you hadn’t suggested the idea in the first place.
A: I suggested it because you didn’t have any ideas of your own, as usual.
B: Well, the last time I had an idea, you never stopped moaning.
A: Me moan? You didn’t stop whining about how crowded it was when we went to the show last week. You never do anything but whine or complain. You’re such a drag.
B: Well, you’re not exactly hot stuff yourself. Life with you is about as exciting as a used tea bag.
A: Oh, so you’re bored, are you? Well, let me tell you something, sweetheart, if it weren’t for you, I could have made something of my life . . .
Arenas are appropriate for contests: you view the other person as an opponent and one of you has to win. Arenas are fine for having a good fight which can be exhilarating and stimulating: they can also be exhausting and a waste of time. The intense feelings will also distort the listener’s ability to hear what you are saying. In fact, neither person is saying anything much at all: just an exchange of general vindictiveness. There are many fragments of past hurts and frustrations flying around which make easy weapons but any potential clarity gets lost in the exchange of missiles. If it is clear communication that you want, if you want a dialogue, if you want the other person to listen to you and understand you, then you will need to establish the more civilised atmosphere of a forum. Then you can proceed in a way which promotes mutual self-respect. You can say your piece and also listen to the other person. The aim, as ever with assertiveness, is clear, equal and effective communication.
How can you establish the climate of a forum to express negative feelings assertively? If you want to criticise in a way that will encourage the other person to hear what you are saying, without scoring points or acting as a self-appointed judge, you’ll find the following guidelines helpful.
The very first challenge is to ask yourself the following three questions: only when you have clear answers to these questions need you bother to go any further. With aggression so commonplace and acceptable in our culture, it’s as if the default position is set for the arena: without these answers considered beforehand, you won’t be able establish the alternative of the forum.
• What is happening?
• What do I feel about what is happening?
• What do I want to be different?
This little bit of homework will make an enormous difference to the outcome of your conversation.
What is happening?
What is the person doing or not doing that you are unhappy with? This may seem obvious but you’d be surprised how often general resentment obscures the specific behaviour we would like the person to change. Constructive criticism is not the same as a general pronouncement about right or wrong. Simply saying ‘you’re boring’, ‘immature’, ‘stupid’ or ‘selfish’ is not helpful. Similarly, it is unlikely to help if you start giving unsolicited advice about how other people should behave. However well-intentioned they are, statements like ‘You should be more understanding’, ‘You shouldn’t be so sensitive’ or ‘You should be more sociable’ sound judgemental and are again likely to provoke a defensive reaction.
What do you feel about what is happening?
Identifying what you feel in relation to the specific behaviour will not come automatically. Once you work your way through the habit of blame, you can learn to detect specific feelings of hurt, annoyance, anxiety. Consider the difference between these two statements:
‘You’re such a bully, always trying to belittle me in front of others’
and
‘I feel belit
tled when you imply in front of others that I don’t know what I’m talking about.’
The first labels the person and suggests that the effect is intentional. The second simply expresses how you feel about the behaviour and the effect it has on you.
What do you want to be different?
You may wish for a total transformation but this won’t happen. To find the answer to this third question, you have to focus on one specific change. Once again this constitutes a personal challenge. We become lulled into thinking others should know what we want so it goes against the grain to have to spell it out. If you embark on this process of giving criticism, without knowing what you want or having any specific focus of what you would like the other person to do instead, then you might as well forget about trying to handle it assertively. It is this one feature of assertive criticism that distinguishes it from aggressive criticism: the specific request for change makes it constructive.
Being specific is crucial because the responsibility for the transaction is yours, not the other person’s. In the same way that acknowledging your feelings without blaming the other for causing them means you take responsibility for your own feelings, specifying the change you want in someone’s behaviour is your responsibility too. It is not up to the other person to read your mind or work out what might satisfy you. Do not assume that the other person is inside your head and will know automatically. Stating the change you would like clearly and directly is what distinguishes constructive criticism from an attack or complaint. Constructive criticism is an equal interaction and most individuals are willing to respond if they are given a clear and specific instruction.
So how might have a consideration of those three questions altered the approaches used by Ivy, Dulcie and Agnes?
Ivy considers the questions.
What is happening?
Her son is not doing his share of household chores.
What does Ivy feel about this?
Fed up, frustrated, resentful
What does she want to be different?
She wants him to help but this will not be enough to communicate. It takes a while but Ivy eventually settles on one chore: cleaning up the kitchen at the end of every day.
Ivy: I want to talk to you about helping me in the house.
Son: Oh no, not that again.
Ivy: (firmly) I know we’ve been through it before but I wasn’t very clear. Now I’d like to talk to you calmly about it.
Son: What do you want? (Grudgingly but listening)
Ivy: I’ve been under a lot of pressure lately and I just can’t cope any more. I get resentful (feeling) when you leave all the clearing up to me. (Current behaviour) I’d like you to clear the kitchen once a day. (Specific change)
Son: It’s not my job to do it.
Ivy: I know it’s not your favourite occupation but I need the help. I’d like you to clear the kitchen once a day.
Son: I can’t do it every day. I’ve got my exams . . .
Ivy: I know you have commitments but you’re old enough to take some responsibility: all I am asking you to do is one task and while you live here, I’d like you to agree to that.
Dulcie considers her situation.
What is happening now?
Her husband is driving too fast for her comfort.
What does she feel?
Anxious, but after consideration, she realises it’s closer to terror.
What does she want to be different?
She wants him to drive more slowly when she is a passenger.
Dulcie sensibly approaches her husband when they’re at home, rather than trying to do it while they’re in the car and she’s already scared stiff!
Dulcie: Jack, I want you to listen to me. I feel so anxious when you drive that I’m a wreck by the end of the journey. I would like you to drive more slowly when I’m in the car. (Specific change)
Husband: I know what I’m doing.
Dulcie: I realise you know what you’re doing, but when you drive so fast (current behaviour) it terrifies me (feelings).
Husband (looks a bit surprised): I didn’t realise you were that frightened.
Dulcie: Well, I didn’t say so clearly before, I know that, but I just can’t stand it. I know it sounds silly but that’s what I feel. All I’m asking you to do is drive more slowly when we’re in the car together.
Agnes’ questions and answers:
What is happening?
Livia is not getting the children ready for bed on time.
What does she feel?
Irritated and frustrated.
What does she want to change?
She wants the children ready for bed when she gets home from work.
Agnes’ particular problem challenges her to reconsider her perspective on power. Giving her employee legitimate criticism means she has to add a specific request, something she failed to do in the original scenario. She didn’t because she thought it was obvious. Like many others who offer legitimate criticism in this way, especially to subordinates, she didn’t give a thought to this third step. What seems important instead is to reinforce one’s position and status: in other words, we use the leverage of the perpendicular power with which we find ourselves to give weight to our criticism. As a result, equality never figures and the usual format consists of:
• An overall complaint, rather than addressing specific behaviour
• The tendency to pile on one thing after another (while you’ve got the upper hand)
• Absence of a specific request for change (more of a generalised allusion to the need for improvement)
Sometimes there is a final reprimand to the other person for actually responding to your aggressive criticism (‘Don’t you get angry with me’ and so on).
With some reflection, Agnes decides to try and handle her perpendicular power (as an employer over an employee) in balance with a respect or consideration for Livia as a human being (and therefore as equals)
Agnes: Livia, I’d like a word with you.
Livia: What is it?
Agnes: I was very annoyed (feelings) when I got back last night to find the children still not ready for bed (current behaviour). I’d really like you to make sure they are ready when I come home (specific change). It’s important to me.
Livia: I am sorry. I took them to the park and forgot all about the time.
Agnes: Well, it’s happened before but I haven’t said anything. We’re happy with your work but I must insist that you come back earlier or do whatever you have to do to make sure they are ready for bed by seven.
Livia: Of course, I’m sorry
Agnes: Don’t worry. I’m glad we’ve been able to talk about it. (Time to close) I’ve got to go. (Goes to kiss the children goodbye).
These three dialogues show how each woman has expressed her feelings, described the behaviour and asked for a specific change. The guidelines outlined above allow you to establish a forum and to regard the other person as an equal, even if you are higher or lower than them on a hierarchical scale.
The ladder or perpendicular power is so all-pervasive and engrained in our psyches that criticism (both receiving and giving) appears always to be associated with this inequality. If we are uncertain about how to criticise, we tend to revert habitually to a conviction that we need to gain or regain the ‘upper’ hand.
Even where there is no actual differentiation in power we try and achieve this by using labels, which imply some kind of moral superiority on the part of the critic. None of us likes to be told we are immature or lazy or inconsiderate or dull. It rankles and the immediate reaction will be defensive. Expressing your feelings allows a statement without putting yourself in a position of dubious authority. A straight statement of feeling does not come across as superior so there is more chance that the other person will listen to what you are saying.
These steps also help to avoid the trap of blame: in a forum we can use the opportunity to inform the other person how we feel in response to their actions. This is a w
hole new approach because we tend to assume that we know exactly what the intentions were behind someone’s behaviour. When we say, for example, ‘How could she have done that? She must have known it would upset me’, or ‘He obviously did it to annoy me’, we are interpreting from our personal perspective. Although we may be right, there is always the chance that we can be mistaken when we use our own behaviour as the sole reference point for interpreting everyone else’s actions and intentions. It may just be that the other person was not deliberately trying to hurt or attack: informing them of the effect of their behaviour can therefore come as a revelation to them.
People do not always know how deeply a remark can hurt or offend you or how important something is. They do not always know what you need or want. Furthermore, if you have successfully hidden your feelings in the past, it can come as quite a shock to the person to know what your true feelings were and still are. Rather than jumping straight in and accusing, you can give them the benefit of the doubt. If, after you have done this and knowing quite clearly what offends or hurts you, they repeat the behaviour, then you are dealing with a new situation. But first, try stating how you feel about the person’s behaviour and letting them know honestly how it affects you, without assuming it was a deliberate injury: give the possibility of an exchange of communication a chance.
Next we will look at how to put all of this into practice.
15
The Art of Assertive Confrontation
What follows is the entire sequence of assertive confrontation. It may strike you as a bit formal but there are good reasons for this. There are so many ways in which a process like this can go wrong and although it is actually very simple, we need safeguards until we become accustomed to how it all fits together. The following guidelines act like stepping stones to help us move across turbulent waters without losing our balance.