by Anne Dickson
The exclusive emphasis on individual self-empowerment – getting what you want when you want it – has eclipsed the reciprocity of an assertive exchange and the dimension of relationship. It’s as if we have claimed our rights but forgotten about the responsibilities that accompany those rights.
The illustrations and examples throughout have necessarily focused more on what happens internally as we address the anxieties that arise in conversation. What is less evident in these accounts is something which is intrinsic to actual role-play practice: the importance of the impact on the other person. Even if the speaker is unsure, the difference between an aggressive and an assertive interaction is never in doubt for the person on the receiving end. If you have communicated assertively, the other person will know exactly what the problem is, be in no doubt about what is wanted, when and why. The recipient might feel supported or, at the very least, treated with respect. In addition, he or she may feel surprised, perhaps confounded, disappointed or even annoyed but never defensive, hurt, crushed, humiliated or abused: these are only felt in response to aggression.
Being assertive springs from a fulcrum of equality and I believe the true values of assertiveness are now more urgently needed in our relationships on a macro and micro level than ever before. This touches on far more than individual change and far more than achieving individual empowerment. In this deeply unequal and violent world, it has never been so vital to find an alternative to aggression. When individuality and competition are in ascendance, fear is rife: aggression is predicated in this fear.
When we opt for aggression in any form, it is worth remembering that aggression always generates aggression. Every time we act aggressively in word or deed, we feed the relentless cycle. The recipient of our aggression will, when the time is right and when they too find themselves in a position of power over someone, seize the opportunity to repeat the dynamic of aggression, to pass it on in the hope that it will expunge their own unpleasant and traumatic feelings of powerlessness. Unfortunately the relief is only short-lived so the cycle, once established, becomes self-sustaining.
All forms of aggression – from the mildest to the most lethal, between individuals or between nations – are evident wherever we look in the world as are deep inequalities at every level of human existence. Often I find myself responding to the bigger picture with helplessness and horror, tempted to dissociate myself and close my eyes and ears to it all.
But somewhere I recognise that we are all part of the cycle of aggression. And this recognition indicates some choices. They may seem insignificant in relation to the large scale forms of aggression we witness around us but nevertheless, we exercise a personal choice about every single interaction we are faced with. Assertiveness shows us there is another way: not a weak, wimpish, ineffectual way but a way which demonstrates a different magnitude of power based in compassion. Compassion is the best antidote to the poison of aggression because it immediately transforms an exclusively perpendicular viewpoint.
Each of us has a choice about how we communicate with every single person in our lives: do we treat them as equals or objects? Do we insist on seeking revenge or find the possibility of forgiveness? Do we take responsibility for our feelings or do we blame others? Do we allow resentments to linger and fester until a showdown is inevitable or do we engage honestly with a commitment to finding a resolution? Is it imperative to establish ourselves as the winner in every situation or can we let it go? Do we treat employees as dispensable units of labour or as human beings? Is it possible to resist taking that surreptitious pot-shot at someone we’d like to see suffer? These dilemmas apply to family, friends, strangers, colleagues: any other human being whom we encounter. We will inevitably fall short of our ideals but the commitment in itself, as in all relationships, is what matters: we have the option of refraining from aggression in our own individual lives and in small ways to sow different seeds for an uncertain future.