by Jane Charles
“They don’t want me.”
Tex looks like I just hit him. He doesn’t get it.
“Look. I haven’t seen them in twelve years. If they wanted me in their lives they could have come looking for me when they turned 18. They didn’t, so why should I go looking for them?”
“How do you know they didn’t?” He counters.
Tex doesn’t get the system, but why should he? He lived on a ranch surrounded by family.
“So, why aren’t you looking for your sister? She’s younger, right?”
“Can’t. They won’t tell me where she is or anything about her until she’s 18.”
His mouth drops open and he blinks at me. “Did you just hear yourself?”
“Um, yeah.”
“So, let me get this straight. You can’t find your sister because she’s a minor, yet, you are blaming your brothers for not finding you.”
“That’s different.”
“How the hell is it different? You just turned 18 like three weeks ago.”
“I don’t see them walking through the door, do you?”
“How do you know they didn’t look?”
“Because Dylan is old enough that he could have gotten guardianship of me and he didn’t.”
“How do you know he didn’t try?”
“Someone would have told me.”
“Are you sure?”
I blink at him. I’m hearing his words but I don’t want to accept his logic. To do so would mean that I have to rethink everything that I’ve believed. Still, even if they wouldn’t tell him anything until I was 18, they have to know now, if they asked, and they haven’t bothered to find me. Even though I’m not at the Grafts’ anymore, my former foster family knows where I worked and where to find me, and the fact that neither Dylan nor Noah has come looking for me means that they don’t want to find me.
“Dammit, Tex. Leave it alone.” Tears blur my vision as I leave. “I’m going out for a run.”
At least Miguel isn’t here to see this or he’d be siding with Tex and I don’t need that right now.
For years I’ve dreamed and wished my brothers would come and get me, and when they didn’t, I got it into my head that they didn’t want me. It was easier that way. It made me stronger and I learned to rely on nobody but myself.
I hate that Tex is right. If they went to college, Dylan would have graduated last year and Noah would still be in school. Unless they were rolling in money, no judge would have given them guardianship of me or Jade. Maybe they did try. But, they still could have come looking for me three weeks ago and neither one of them did, which proves I was right all along.
It’s supposed to be my morning on the desk, but I don’t care. Tex doesn’t have anything to do and he can sit there. I need to run. It hasn’t been allowed since I hit my head, and I’m not sure I’m allowed to now, but I have to get out of here.
He’s waiting for me when I come around the corner.
“Aren’t you watching the desk?”
“I just wanted to tell you to be careful.” Then he gives me his cellphone. “Give me a call if you need me.”
I take it and shove it in my pocket and take off down the street. Even if I did need him, it’s not like he could leave the gym to come get me. Besides, I’m fine on my own. I always have been and I always will be. In fact, it’s better that way.
For an intelligent and logical girl, Nina’s thinking is fucked up when it comes to her family. I don’t know the history. I want to know the history, but she’s got to get that if she can’t find her sister for two more years, her brothers couldn’t find her.
But she is right on one thing, they haven’t come looking for her either, and that bugs me. Which is probably why she’s so sensitive about it.
I don’t want to fight with her, but I will find a way to talk to her about it. Maybe when I know more, I’ll get it, but I’m not giving up until I do.
Ian and Joel roll in a few minutes after Nina leaves.
“You guys are early. Shouldn’t you be sleeping or something?”
“Inventoried the bar last night after we closed. Thought we’d get a workout in before we sleep instead of coming in this afternoon.”
“Any chance you want to pick up a few more hours this week?”
They set their bags on the desk. “Why?” Ian asks. “Nina’s back. We just saw her headed toward the park.”
Then I tell them about Miguel and his brother. “We can take on most of it, but I’ve got classes too, and I don’t want Nina stuck up here all the time. She needs a break once in a while, even if she won’t admit it.”
“Sure,” Joel says as we pull up the work schedule for the week. Since Nina will be sitting at the desk and watching the place during the day while Joel, Ian and I are in classes, we split the nights out so she’s done by four. She’ll still be working ten hour days, but it’s the best we can do. Miguel works like fifteen hour days, but it’s his place, and Nina still needs to watch it so she doesn’t backslide.
There are still a lot of part-time workers, but Miguel wants one of us here at all times, even when he’s here, because we are the four he trusts, and I’m not about to let him down. Trying to balance out 17 hour days, seven days a week is a pain, but we finally get it figured out by the time Nina gets back.
“Hey,” she says, her skin glowing from her run. She looks happier. Of course, all those endorphins released from the exercise has to help. But, at least she doesn’t seem pissed at me anymore.
“We got the schedule set up for the week.”
“Ian and I took some shifts so you guys don’t have to carry the whole thing,” Joel says.
“Thanks.” She smiles. “I’m hitting the shower and then I’ll come back and relieve you, Tex.”
“Take your time, Nina. It’s not like there is a lot going on.”
“You know, you might not even be open for a few days,” Ian says.
“Miguel only closes on holidays, you know that.”
“Dude, have you looked at the weather?” Joel asks. “That’s the other reason we are in early. It’s supposed to start tonight.”
I have no clue what they are talking about.
“Pull up the weather. If they are correct, we’re going to be having a blizzard this time tomorrow.”
I snort. “Since when are reports accurate?” As far as I can tell, they are about fifty-fifty.
“I’m just saying….” Joel trails off as he heads to the back and I pull up the weather on the computer.
Shit! We do have one hell of a front coming in. It could die out, but there is a lot of white and pink headed our direction and big enough that it’s not going to miss unless it takes a serious turn north or south.
“Whatcha looking at?” Nina asks as she comes back up front, rubbing her wet hair with a towel.
“Did you know about the forecast?”
She frowns. “No. What’s it supposed to do?”
“They are predicting like a foot of snow, or more, with ice, cold temps and blowing.”
She rolls her eyes.
“I’m going to the store.”
“Why?” she asks with disbelief.
“Grocery shopping,” I answer as I start heading to the back. “If we are going to be snowed in, we need bread and stuff. It’s what you’re supposed to do.”
21
There hasn’t been a person come through the door in two hours. The last one left an hour ago, but we don’t close for two more.
The snow started about an hour ago, thick and heavy, and shows no signs of stopping. I checked the weather again and we’re just at the edge of what is to come. I did go out and warn Virgil and Barry, but they already knew and were headed to the shelter. I have no clue how they found out, but they must think it’s going to be bad because they never go to shelters. I just hope they can get in one because they fill up on a good night. I also told them that if they couldn’t find one to come back and they could stay with us. So far, they haven’t shown up at the d
oor so maybe they found a place.
“Nobody is going to come in. We should just close.”
“Miguel never closes.”
“When’s the last time there was weather like this?” Tex counters.
I look back outside again. Only an idiot would be out on a night like tonight. “Our first night in charge and we are closing early. We are so going to be fired.”
Tex just laughs and goes to lock the front door. “I’ll get the lights in the back and make sure everything is shut down.”
“I’ll check the other side to make sure everybody is gone,” I tell him. Not that anyone has gone over to the indoor field today, but it doesn’t hurt to check and make sure. Whoever locks up at night does a walkthrough to make sure everybody is out before setting the alarm. It is usually two of us, moving any stragglers to the exit.
Nothing but complete silence where we play indoor soccer and rugby and nobody is sitting in the few bleachers Miguel was able to fit in here, so I turn off the light and head back to the front just as Tex is coming from the gym. He checks the boxing area, the locker rooms behind it, and then hits the lights and sets the alarm. “Looks like it’s an early night. Let’s go hunker down and wait this out.”
Once we get back to the apartment Tex heats the oven to bake the frozen lasagna he bought while I turn on the television. There is nothing but weather reports on the local stations and I decide to leave it on one of them. I guess we should know what we are in for since the weather predictions seem to be coming true, and I go in to grab some juice out of the fridge.
“Holy crap, did you buy out the store?”
“Well, you never know what is going to happen. We should be good for days.”
“Unless we lose power. These are all perishable, did you think about that?”
“Nothing is perishable when there is a foot of snow right out your back door.”
I guess I hadn’t thought about that. I just hope we don’t have to clean out the fridge and keep things in the snow to keep them fresh.
I turn up the TV when the weatherperson starts talking predictions. “The snow is expected to continue for the next twenty-four to forty-eight hours with accumulations of over a foot of snow. A traffic alert is in order and if you don’t need to leave your homes, please don’t. City workers will try to keep main routes to the hospitals open, but they don’t expect to have all streets cleared until Wednesday into Thursday morning, depending on the frigid temperatures and blowing wind.”
“Wednesday or Thursday? We can’t stay closed that long.”
“Miguel can’t blame us for the weather,” Tex reminds me.
Still, he put us in charge and we shut the place down. Correction. Mother Nature shut the place down. “Good thing he got on a plane when he did or he wouldn’t have been able to leave.
“And, we wouldn’t be left all alone.” Tex grins.
I hate that Miguel’s brother had a heart attack, but I can’t complain about me and Nina being all alone for a week. And, I sure as hell don’t hate this snow. We could be holed up here, together, just the two of us, for up to three days and I can’t think of anyone I’d rather be with.
We won’t have to watch what we say and do in the apartment because we don’t have to worry about Miguel catching us, and we don’t have to watch ourselves at the club. It’s not that we want to keep our relationship a secret, because we talked about it in the car after the carriage ride, but we both know that Miguel won’t like it, so we are just keeping it secret until, well, we can’t anymore. Besides, if anyone at the club knew, they’d just give us shit and neither one of us wants that.
“Salad?” Nina asks.
“Sure.” We have lasagna, garlic bread and salad. If she was old enough, I’d even have wine, but no matter how mature Nina is, and even though it is just the two of us and we aren’t going anywhere, she still isn’t drinking. Of course, I never thought she’d ever had a drink anyway, until she confessed about being hung over once.
“So, what do you want to do tonight?” she asks.
It’s rare that we both are here at the same time during the evenings without Miguel. “Talk. Watch TV.”
She stiffens, just slightly. “We talk all the time.” Her laugh is forced. “What’s on TV?”
“We’ve been talking for two and a half years,” I confirm. “But, there is still a lot more to say and learn.”
She shrugs.
I grab her around the waist and pull her close. “I want to know everything there is to know.”
This time I can feel her stiffen. “Really, there isn’t much to tell.”
“What about your family.”
She pushes me away and grabs the lettuce and starts cutting it up into quarters. “What do you want to know?”
“What were they like?”
“I was six, how the hell do I know?”
I stare at her. Nina remembers a hell of a lot more than she’s letting on. I stick the frozen lasagna in the oven and set the timer. “Tell me what you remember.”
“We are really going to do this?”
“Yes, we are.”
“Fine!” Nina rolls her eyes, shakes her head and starts chopping away at the lettuce. “Mom and Dad cooked meth in the basement. Got caught and are rotting in jail.”
“For twelve years?” Not that I know what kind of sentence went with that.
“There was child endangerment, possession with intent to sell, and a whole slew of charges.”
I grab one of the lettuce quarters and start cutting it into bite size pieces. “Tell me about your brothers and sister.”
She continues to chop. “Dylan was twelve, Noah nine, me six and Jade was four.” Then she goes back to shredding with enough force that I’m pretty sure she’s bruising the leaves.
“Hey. Don’t kill the veggies.”
“The memories are just bittersweet.”
She reaches for the knife to cut the tomatoes, but I take it from her. After what she did to the lettuce, she’ll make tomato juice instead of cut up tomatoes for the salad.
“Tell me something sweet.”
A sad smile comes to her face. “Dylan.”
“What was he like?”
She shrugs. “He was both our mom and dad. Took care of me, Noah and Jade. Or at least tried to.”
“He was only twelve.”
“He’s the only real parent I remember. None of us would have eaten, gotten homework done or gone to school without Dylan.”
She grabs an onion out of storage and removes the skin, before she starts cutting it into thick ringlets so she can pick them out. Horns hates the texture of onions, but not necessarily the taste. Miguel and I love both.
“Do you know when he was nine he went to the library to get a book on potty training? The day care Jade was at said she needed to be out of diapers and in pull-ups by the time she was three, but Mom and Dad didn’t have time, so Dylan potty trained her.”
She stops slicing and wipes a tear from her cheek. I’m not sure if it’s from the onions or the memories.
“He was afraid that if she wasn’t in the day care, nobody would take care of her all day and that something might happen to her.”
A nine-year-old should be riding his bike or skateboard, or playing a video game—not potty training his sister. “You were what, only four or five?”
“I helped teach her. Showed her what to do. The three of us got her trained though.”
“How can you remember something from when you were so little?”
“I made a point of holding onto every memory I could,” she says. “Some things are good to remember and some things need to be remembered. And some things, after I was seven or so, need to be forgotten.”
“Like what?”
She gives me a cold smile. “I’ve forgotten.”
She hasn’t and I’d bet everything I have that Nina has held onto everything that has ever happened to her for one reason or another.
I want her to tell me more, but I’m afraid
to push. Yet, this insight is telling me a lot about her childhood, pre-system. I hope her parents are stuck in prison for a really long time.
“Hey, since we are in for the night, I’m getting into pjs.” With that, she’s out of the room. Nina may be done with this conversation, but I’m not. She may really like her pjs, and I know she does because she’s told me, but she was also ready to get away from this conversation.
All she needs is time and to learn to trust and I’ve got her for three days all to myself to earn it.
22
I get that Tex wants to know more about me. It’s what people do when they get closer than the surface, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it. I want to know more about him too, and I wish I could just learn and he could just tell, but Tex won’t go for one-way learning and talking.
I shut my bedroom door and grab a pair of flannel pj bottoms and a long-sleeved t-shirt out of the bottom drawer. The bra will stay on until I crawl in bed. I’m not so comfortable here that I’d let that go. Then I find a pair of wool socks and pull them on. The place isn’t exactly cold, but the floors can be.
Maybe I should just tell Tex everything. He’s going to keep pushing and it’s probably better that he find out now and not down the road when I’m in so deep that I won’t know how to get out. It’s better for both of us while there’s still time to go safely back to the friend zone.
But, I’m not going to be the one to bring it up, however. I’ll let Tex do that.
It should have only taken me a few minutes to change into my pjs but I linger in my room until I know it’s about time for the lasagna to come out and try not to think about what a coward I’m being. I don’t like talking and I don’t like difficult conversations and the ones Tex wants to have are going to be the hardest.
“I thought maybe you fell asleep in there,” he says when I come out. The lasagna is on the table, along with breadsticks and the bowl of salad that I started but he finished.
“Just doing some stuff.”
He nods but doesn’t say anything. He knows I was avoiding him but at least he isn’t making a big deal out of it.