Toby opens the door with a smile on his gorgeous face, his blonde hair slicked back, wearing sweatpants low on his hips, his beautiful muscles on show for me. His smile instantly disappears when he looks at me. “Ember, what the hell happened?”
I throw myself at him, my arms tight around his waist. I just need him to hold me for a moment. “Oh, Toby!” I wail. I don’t understand why I’m so upset; it’s not like Lydia attacked me.
Toby leads me inside, all the while asking me what’s wrong, but I can’t let go of him. So, he just holds me close to him until I’m calm enough to pull away from him.
I take a seat on his black couch while he fetches me a cold glass of white wine. I drink it down in one, the whole damn thing. Fuck, I needed that.
“You wanna tell me what the hell is going on, Ember?” Toby’s smooth voice wraps around me like a warm blanket in winter, and I close my eyes just to savor it for a moment.
But I can’t put this off any longer. “I almost did something terrible tonight, Toby. So terrible, and you’re gonna hate me, maybe even leave me for it.”
“Come on, Ember, nothing can be that bad.”
“Oh, but it is.” I turn to face him. I owe it to Toby to look at him when I tell him this. God, he’s so beautiful. Those deep brown eyes warm my very soul. “You know that I love you, don’t you?”
“Well, I hope so.” He chuckles.
“I never want to hurt you, and I don’t ever want to keep anything from you.” I look upward and breathe deeply through my mouth.
“Ember,” His hand on my face has me turning in his direction again. “What happened?”
“Lydia... I mean, she... We...” I can’t get the words out. Christ, I’m so pathetic right now.
“You what? Just tell me, Ember.”
“Lydia tried to kiss me.” He narrows his eyes for a second. “Nothing happened because I pushed her away. I don’t know why she did it, but there is something so wrong. Lydia is hiding something that’s eating away at her. I don’t know, I guess she needed to find comfort somewhere, and she wanted to be with me, sexually.”
I stare at Toby for a moment. I can’t read him, but he’s looking at me with wide eyes. His nostrils flare, and I swallow hard. I feel terrible about what happened, but was it bad enough for Toby to be this angry?
I don’t want to argue about this, but I know Toby is about to blow up. Just lately, Toby gets angry with me for any little thing. For the past couple of months, he’s barely touched me, and not once in a sexual way. If I try to get him to notice me, to touch me, he flips out and calls me all the names under the sun. It’s not a pleasant feeling having the man you love call you a slut and a whore.
Before I met Toby, I would never have stayed with a man who yells at me every five minutes. I would have walked away after kicking his ass into next week. My mother is a strong and powerful woman, and she raised me to believe in myself. She also showed me how to take care of myself, and to never let a man hurt me. What she didn’t teach me is what to do when a man emotionally beats you down.
Toby isn’t violent toward me – I’d smash his head in if he tried. But I feel like I’m walking on eggshells when we’re together. Toby has changed so much in the last few months that I worry about merely spending time with my friends. Toby doesn’t like my friends, and he says that they take advantage of me.
I know that’s bullshit. My friends, especially my MC friends, have been such since I was born. They know me better than anyone, and they would do anything for me, just as I would them. I make damn sure Toby knows that I will never turn my back on those I love. Of course, this gives Toby reason to be angry with me, and we have enormous arguments.
I don’t understand what changed between us. When I first met Toby, everything was perfect. I suppose it’s that way for everyone when they meet someone new. I trusted him, we fell in love, and I thought we had a future. Now I wonder why I’m still with him when it’s clear that he’s fallen out of love with me.
If I weren’t so pathetic, I’d end things and move on. If Toby weren’t so stubborn, he’d tell me it was over and set us both free.
Why the hell am I still hanging onto a man who doesn’t want me?
Why can’t he let go?
I stare at him for a moment. I can’t remember the last time Toby told me that he loves me. I tell him every day, but I haven’t heard those words from his mouth in weeks. It hurts because I still love him so much.
“What the fuck did you think you were doing?!” Toby yells so loudly that I startle in my seat. “Are you such a fuckin’ slut that you have to fuck around with Lydia?”
“It wasn’t like that, Toby. She kissed me, but it wasn’t a passionate kiss. I pushed her away and explained why it couldn’t happen.”
“You expect me to believe that she kissed you?”
My mouth hangs open in shock. I can’t believe Toby just said that! He thinks I’m the one who kissed Lydia, it’s written all over his face. Christ, I knew he’d blame me.
“Jesus, Ember, I can’t believe you would do this!”
“Me? Are you for real? I just told you that it was Lydia who kissed me, not the other way around. I don’t know why she did it, but I think it was because she was high,”
Toby scoffs and rolls his eyes. The man actually thinks I’m the one in the wrong. Why is it that Lydia can never do any wrong in his eyes?
When Toby and I first got together, Lydia couldn’t stand him. If I’m honest, Toby didn’t like her either. They bickered every time they were in the same room, and they’d argue about the stupidest of things. Now suddenly they’re friends, and Lydia said that she’s only friendly with Toby because she didn’t want things to be difficult for me. I’m grateful, but while they became friends, Toby and I drifted apart.
“I can’t believe you’re standing there, accusing me when I’ve repeatedly told you that it was Lydia!” Getting to my feet, I clutch his arm. “Why is it she can never do any wrong in your eyes? You’re supposed to love me, yet you treat me like a damn leper most of the time!”
I scrub my hands over my face and groan. I don’t want to argue with Toby; I just wanted to be honest. Honesty is the best policy, right? All honesty gets me is moments like this where I wish I could disappear.
“How could you do this to me, Ember?”
I honestly don’t know what to say to him. I take a deep breath and wrap my arms around myself. “I love you, Toby, but I won’t have you blaming me for this.”
“How far did it go?” Toby grabs my arms and shakes me, and it shocks me. “Tell me!”
“It wasn’t what you think. How many times do I have to say the same thing?”
“Tell me!” Toby yells again while slamming me back against the wall.
I’d be a liar if I said that I wasn’t afraid of Toby right now. A biker and a borderline psychopath raised me, I shouldn’t be scared of anything, but I am. My mother trained me to protect myself by any means necessary. Self-defense, kickboxing, all sorts of martial arts, you name it, my mother taught it. It’s all well and good knowing all of that stuff, but when the man you love is going postal, you freeze, and everything you thought you knew leaves your mind.
“She kissed you?” I nod while swallowing. “Touched every inch of your body, ate you out, shoved her fingers in you until you came for her?”
Oh my god, why is he saying this?
“Please, Toby! None of that happened, I pushed her away.”
His hands slam either side of my head against the wall. “Did she penetrate your tight cunt, Ember?”
“No, of course, not. Please, don’t do this, Toby.”
“Don’t do this?!” He yells so loudly that my ears are ringing. “Why do you push me like this, Ember?”
My stomach tightens painfully, and I swallow hard. There is so much anger in Toby’s eyes that I’m scared he’s going to hit me. It would be the last thing Toby ever did if he laid a hand on me in that way. I’d kick his ass, not to mention my brother, and my Mo
m and Dad would finish him off.
“I’m not pushing you, Toby. I’m trying to be honest with you, and you’re going crazy. I understand that Lydia kissing me has annoyed you, but you’re taking this too far.”
“Why did she kiss you? What the hell did you do to make Lydia kiss you?”
My mouth drops open in shock. “Are you being serious? Oh, my god! I didn’t have to come here and tell you anything, Toby. I did because I don’t like keeping things from you.”
“Not because you felt guilty? I mean, why would you be crying over Lydia kissing you if it was so innocent?”
I shake my head. “This is ridiculous,” I push past him, but Toby grabs my arm and yanks me to his side. “Take your hand off me, Toby.”
“I want the truth, Ember. I want to know why.”
“I said, let go of me.” Toby breathes heavily through his nose, but lets go of my arm. “I told you the truth, Toby. Lydia kissed me. Why? I don’t know, but I do know that she was high. The drugs must have made her think she wanted me in that way.”
Toby stares me down. I won’t let him intimidate me, and I won’t tell him something that isn’t true. He’s supposed to give a damn about me, and to believe me when I tell him that I didn’t kiss Lydia!
Toby’s mood suddenly shifts, and he smiles at me while cupping my cheek. “I’m sorry, Ember, I didn’t mean to go off on you. I didn’t mean to accuse you either. I just can’t stand the thought of Lydia’s lips on yours.” He strokes his thumb across my cheek.
That jealous shit is not cool. I’m not a jealous person myself, and I told Toby before I agreed to this relationship that I wouldn’t put up with it from him either.
“I came here to tell you the truth. I was upset because I was confused by it all.”
“I know,” He pulls me into his arms, and I let him because I don’t want to leave here with bad feelings between us. “I’m sorry,” He kisses my head.
I look up at him. “Toby,”
“I know,” He cuts me off with a kiss to my forehead, which serves to tell me that this conversation is now over.
We can’t go on like this. Something is bothering Toby, and I have a feeling it’s the fact he no longer loves me the way he once did. I believe that Toby just doesn’t know how to tell me that it’s over.
I don’t want things to be over, but I don’t want Toby to stay with me if it’s only not to upset me. If he does that, it will only hurt more in the end.
I want to tell Toby that it’s over, but I don’t want to be the one to end things.
I’ve tried talking to him about how he’s feeling, but Toby always tells me that I’m reading too much into things. I’ve even asked him why we haven’t had sex in weeks, but he tells me that life isn’t all about sex. Of course, I know that, but we’re in what I thought was a serious relationship.
Sex isn’t the be-all and end-all, but Toby doesn’t even kiss me on the mouth the way he used to. I feel so unattractive. If my own boyfriend won’t kiss me, what the hell does that say about me?
Tonight didn’t go the way I hoped, though it’s given me a reason to give Colin’s offer some serious thought.
Chapter Four
Marco
Fuck!
I groan while looking at the woman asleep beside me. I don’t know her name, and I can’t recall asking for it. Last night is pretty much a blur, as most nights are.
After a rehearsal with the band last night, I went to a bar in town. I had a few drinks, did a few lines, and obviously hooked up with the blonde next to me.
We must have come back to her place. I don’t recognize the room I’m in, and it’s way too girly to be mine. There’s too much pink and too much fluffy stuff around for my taste.
I need to get out of here. I don’t do the morning after bullshit. Jesus, I hope we used protection.
It would serve you right if you caught an STI from this woman, Marco, even more so if you knocked her up.
I climb out of the girl’s bed, careful not to wake her. I can’t stand it when that happens, all those awkward questions.
I breathe a sigh of relief when I see the used condom on the floor - no nasty accidents for me.
One of these days, you won’t be so lucky, Marco. You need to clean up your act, and soon. The parties, the drugs, and the women are all well and good. But if you want to be famous, and good at what you do, you can’t go on like this.
Isn’t that what it’s all about? Parties, drugs, girls?
God, what the hell have I become?
I don’t want to be known as the rockstar who partied too hard and burned out too soon. I want to enjoy my music career, but I don’t want to be the cause of the band’s breakup. That’s where we’ll end up if I don’t sort myself out soon.
How do I let go of the ghosts of my past?
Too many things still haunt me. I know I need to learn to let go; I just don’t know how.
I quickly get dressed, pick up my shoes, and leave without putting them on. I do that in the elevator. I don’t have a clue where I am, even when I stop outside the building. It’s the nicer side of town; I realize when I see the museum across the road. I look back at the building and smirk. It’s a beautiful place; the girl must be loaded.
I tuck my shirt into my jeans and then run my hands through my hair, trying to tame it a little. I decide to walk home; I could do with some fresh air. It’ll take me a while on foot, but I’m no stranger to walking home the morning after.
I walk past Clint’s, the hardware store in town, and right into Ember. Shit! I groan inwardly. It would have to be now that I see Ember, wouldn’t it?
“Hey, beautiful,”
“Hi,” Ember tucks her long, loose hair behind her ear. I smirk while shamelessly looking her up and down. Christ, she’s hot in those tight jeans and that black, top with the push-up bra beneath? God, kill me now?
“Who’s your friend?”
I hadn’t noticed the beauty standing beside Ember. Pretty little thing with long brown hair, blue eyes, and a wide smile.
“Jessie, this is Marco. I told you about him,”
I try not to smirk at the fact Ember has been talking about me.
Jessie holds her hand out to me. I smile and take it, and she shakes vigorously. “Nice to meet you, Marco. I’m Jessie, Ember’s cousin.” A family of beauties, I see.
“Nice to meet you too.”
“And on that note,” Jessie smirks. “I’ll meet you inside, Ember.” She takes off before Ember can protest.
“She’s subtle.” I chuckle.
“Yeah,” Ember seems annoyed.
“Are you okay?” She nods. “Given any more thought to joining the band?”
Ember runs her tongue along her top teeth. “I had,” I smile because I have a good feeling. “I don’t know what you’re smiling at, Marco,” Okay, maybe the good feeling was wishful thinking. “I’m not sure I want to join a band with a man who acts the way you do.”
“Excuse me?” What the fuck is she talking about? I’ve done nothing to offend this woman.
“I’ve been around enough men in my life to spot a man whore when I see one.” I raise my eyebrow and push my hands into the pockets of my jeans. “I can tell from the smell emanating from you that you drank too much last night. You most definitely had sex with a random woman, and I wouldn’t be surprised if you took enough drugs to put out an elephant.”
Okay, I’ll admit that it’s probably apparent that I stayed out all night, and that I’d had a few drinks, but that I took drugs? The woman is smart, I’ll give her that.
I feel fucking stupid. I can’t believe Ember called me out like that. I also can’t have her walking away from Dun’s Dungeon because of me. Colin would never forgive me.
“Don’t let my mistakes influence you, Ember.”
Ember sighs. “How you live your life is none of my concern, Marco. I’m sure it’s a lot of fun being you. But just remember that your behavior will reflect badly on the band.”
I swall
ow the lump in my throat and nod my head.
“If you guys do hit the big time, do you really want to be known as the fucked up lead singer? Because you will be, Marco. Start as you mean to go on. Show the world the better side of you, Marco, because I know he’s in there somewhere.” She winks at me.
I don’t even know what to say to any of that. I am gobsmacked. No one has ever called me out the way Ember just did. I want to tell her to mind her own business, but she’s right. Everything Ember just said was right.
“I best catch up with my cousin.” I nod in her direction, not knowing what to say. Ember has shamed me as no one has before.
Ember leans into me and kisses my cheek. I close my eyes and breathe her in. “See ya soon.” She whispers in my ear, and she’s gone before I even open my eyes.
Ember has given me food for thought. I can continue fucking up my life to hide the pain within, or I can put what happened behind me and start to live.
Do you really want your ex to ruin your life, Marco? Hasn’t she taken enough from you?
Sasha took too much from me, including trust in other women. I don’t even keep women as friends, but Ember might just be the exception to the rule.
I smile all the way home. I smile while letting Rebel, my German Shepherd dog, out to do his business. I smile while showering, and I smile while telling myself today is a new day. I’m not about to turn into a monk, but I don’t need to take every woman I meet to bed. I don’t need the drugs either, and I can cut back on the drink. Ember’s right, the band, has to come first.
I’ve only just finished lunch when my front door knocks. I look at the clock. It’s a little early for the guys to be here for band practice. I hope it’s not my mother at the door. I could do without the smothering today.
Suffice to say, I’m surprised to see Saint and Bob on my doorstep. “What are you two doing here so early?”
“Christ knows,” Bob shrugs.
Saint rolls his eyes. “Colin asked us to meet him here now.”
Ember: Next Gen (Snakes Henchmen MC Book 12) Page 3