In love with... In love? He went from relieved to freaked in less than a second and he had no idea what to say. He wasn’t in love with anyone. He couldn’t be. He was broken and damaged and all things...
“Jasper?”
“What? I’m here.”
“Sorry. I crossed a line there. You don’t have to tell me about Renee. I just knew one day you’d meet someone and it would be wonderful. I’m glad that’s true and I really hope it works out.”
“Uh, thanks.”
“You’re welcome. Okay, I’m going to stop reading because I have meetings I can’t cancel. I’ll get you notes within a couple of weeks, but I doubt they’ll be much. You did great.”
“Thanks. Talk to you soon.”
He hung up and stared at Koda.
“She liked the book.”
He was going to focus on that because thinking about anything else was just too terrifying. In love with Renee? He couldn’t be. He wasn’t. They weren’t. It was just fun and friendship and sex.
Are you in love with my daughter? Verity’s words came back to him, making him wonder what was wrong with everyone. Why did it have to be love? Why couldn’t it just be what it was and everyone was happy?
Koda stretched out in his bed.
“Nothing to add?” he asked the dog. “No opinion on the matter?”
Koda closed his eyes, which Jasper took as a no.
* * *
RENEE WAS DETERMINED that every single detail for Hanna and Graham’s Scottish wedding would be perfect. Not only did she really like the couple, she was still dealing with the debacle that had been the Halloween wedding. She needed happy we’ll-be-blissful-together-all-our-lives vibes resonating through the entire property.
She and Pallas had already performed their ritual cleansing with the burning of white sage smudge sticks and sprinkling salt on the floors and carpets. A good vacuum later and all the rooms seemed happier. A silly tradition to be sure, but one they followed faithfully whenever a wedding didn’t happen. Better to be safe, and all that.
She reviewed her to-do list for the next few days. Friday was the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. Saturday was the wedding itself and Sunday morning was the goodbye brunch. The Friday and Sunday events were easy. Just setup and takedown, with very little in between. The catering service was in charge of the meals. Silver was sending her smallest trailer to handle the bar service, and there were no special decorations or entertainment.
The wedding on Saturday was a big deal with three hundred guests, so a full house for Weddings Out of the Box. There was a traditional service and a dinner reception following with a live band and dancing until at least eleven. It was going to be a long day.
But a happy one, Renee thought, excited to be a part of the weekend. She and Pallas had divided the duties. Renee would take the rehearsal and the wedding while Pallas would man the Sunday brunch. They’d hired a couple of college kids to work the Saturday night reception, mostly to help out Renee and be another set of hands if needed. Renee wanted everything to be perfect.
She walked through the main building to where the wedding would be. Chairs were already in place, along with the pole where they would string the floral garland at the front by the podium. Outside, the huge white tent was up, and the tables and chairs were in place there, as well. The plates, glasses and flatware had been delivered, along with dozens of flat bowls to be used as the centerpieces. Clematis blossoms would float in the bowls with greenery scattered across the table.
Knowing she’d done all she could for today, she returned to her office and was surprised to find Ed waiting for her. Carol’s father was handsome, with dark red hair and an easy smile. Renee hadn’t spent a lot of time with him, but what she knew, she liked and he made her mother happy, so that was all that mattered.
“Hi,” she said, not sure if she should ask why he was here or—
“I hope it’s okay I stopped by.” He rubbed his hands against his jeans, looked at her, then away, then back at her. “Do you have a minute?”
“Of course.” She motioned to a chair.
He started toward it then shook his head. “I should stand. It’s easier.”
“Is my mom okay?”
“What? She’s fine. Busy getting ready for her show. It’s going to be exciting for her. She’ll be successful—I’m sure of it. She’s a great woman. A wonderful woman.”
He swallowed. “I’m in love with her. I had no idea I could fall in love again. I didn’t expect to and I wasn’t looking, but suddenly there she was. It was like being struck by lightning. The second I saw her, I knew. It was fate.”
Renee hadn’t known they’d been going out for more than a few days, so she wasn’t prepared to have her friend’s father declare his love for Verity. Fortunately, Ed didn’t seem to expect an answer.
“I thought I had everything I wanted here, but now that I’ve met Verity, that’s not true anymore. My brother Ted is more than capable of handling things. The recycling center practically runs itself and Carol manages the staff that looks after the animals. There’s no reason I couldn’t make a change.”
Renee had no idea what they were talking about. “You’re thinking of moving?”
“What? Yes, to San Diego. I want to marry your mother.”
Renee sank down in the visitor’s chair. Her mother getting married? “But you’ve only known each other a few weeks.”
Ed nodded. “It’s quick, I know, but I’ve never felt like this before. I’m certain I can make her happy. I want to spend the rest of her life doing that.” His expression turned stricken. “It’s not about the money. I’ll sign a prenup. I just want her.”
Renee couldn’t gather her thoughts together. She managed to stand and smile at Ed. “I’m not worried that you’re after her money or anything like that. It’s all happening so quickly. I want her to have everything she wants. What did she say when you proposed?”
“I haven’t. I wanted your permission.”
“Mine?”
Everything about this moment was surreal. Why would her permission matter? Her mother was a capable woman who knew her own mind and had been making her own decisions for longer than Renee had been alive. Only Renee recognized that Ed wasn’t saying Verity couldn’t decide—instead he wanted Renee to be a part of things. The gesture was sweet. A little unexpected, but sweet.
“Of course,” she said with a smile. “I hope you two will be very happy together.”
There was a squeal from the hallway, then Carol raced in and hugged her.
“I was eavesdropping,” Carol said happily. “I couldn’t help myself. We’re going to be sisters. I’m so excited. You can’t move away. You have to promise.”
Carol’s sister, Violet, had moved to England a couple of years back. Carol still complained about it.
“Your mom is so great,” Carol continued. “I never thought my dad would find anyone but I knew the first time I saw them together.” She clapped her hands. “We’re a family.”
She kept talking, then Ed hugged them both and it was a happy moment, but all Renee heard was “We’re a family.”
While she’d always had her mom, there had never been any other relatives. Not since her dad had left. It had just been the two of them. Renee had always wanted a sister, an aunt or uncle, grandparents, and while she wasn’t exactly getting anything like that, she was getting family. A place to belong.
Unexpected tears burned in her eyes. “I’m so happy,” she whispered.
“Us, too,” Ed told her. “I’m driving to San Diego right now. I want to propose right away. You girls take care.”
He walked out. Renee stared after him. “You girls.” Like they were both his daughters. She loved the sound of that.
“Do you think she’ll say yes?” Carol asked, sounding anxious.
Renee thought about how blissful her
mother had been and how alone she’d been for so long. Ed was a good guy and from what he’d said, it had pretty much been love at first sight for both of them.
“How could she not?” she asked with a laugh. “Come on. Let’s go out and celebrate.”
She was going to have a family. Later she would text Jasper and tell him the great news. Maybe he could figure out a way to put it in his next book.
* * *
JASPER HADN’T SLEPT in two days. Not because of nightmares or a book idea that wouldn’t let go but because he was trying to make sense of his feelings for Renee.
He wanted to say his confusion had started with his editor’s questions, but he knew the problem had begun long before that. Maybe when Wynn had pointed out he wasn’t broken anymore or even back when he and Renee had first spent the night together. Or maybe the first time she’d understood that he got lost in a book and hadn’t been mad about it.
There was something about her. Something that drew him in and made him want to stick around. Something that made him wonder if maybe his life was better with her in it.
God knew he’d screwed up. He still winced when he thought about how he’d horned in on the wedding, going behind her back, and later, how he’d told her to get over her fears of having her mom’s gift. He wasn’t perfect, but she seemed okay with that. Being with her made him a better man.
Just as important, he liked taking care of her. He liked making her laugh and helping out when he could. He liked being with her and not just for sex. He liked how she’d picked the cat who seemed right, even though Fred hadn’t been easy at first. She was so competent at work. She was resourceful and brave and funny. So what was the problem?
He supposed part of the issue could be the fact that he wasn’t the man he’d been three years ago. Everything was different now. He’d made a life, he’d found a new career, he’d met a girl. But did he love her?
Jasper wasn’t sure what love was—not really. A feeling, yes, but wasn’t it more than that? Wasn’t it as much about the other person as himself? When he thought about Renee he was happy. When he was with her, he wanted to spend more time with her.
He walked around his office, Koda watching him, as if a little worried.
“I’m okay,” he told the dog. At least he would be when he got his act together.
What if she was sick? What if she was dying? Would he want to deal with her then? He’d seen a lot of horrible things on his tours with the army and figured he could handle pretty much anything she had to deal with. He wasn’t afraid of fighting with her, he knew she had a good heart. But was that enough?
Did he want to take care of her, no matter what? Did he want to make her happy, even if he had to sacrifice some things? What if she didn’t want to live up in the mountains? What if she wanted to live in town?
He thought for a second. He could do the town thing. He would keep the house in the mountains and he might have to come up here to write for a few days at a time, but if living in Happily Inc made her happy, then he wanted to buy her the house of her dreams. He wanted to hold her and be with her and—
He turned to Koda. “I want kids. With Renee. I want kids and car trips and an IRA and a joint checking account and hell, a minivan. I love her. I’m in love with her.”
Koda sighed, as if relieved he’d finally figured it out.
“You like her, too, don’t you, boy?”
Koda’s tail wagged.
“That’s what I thought. I think you’d be good with kids. She has cats now, so that will take some getting used to for all of us. I’ve never had a cat.”
Of course he’d never had a dog, either, and that seemed to be going well.
“I love her,” he repeated, not sure what to do next. “I guess I should go see her.”
They could go out to dinner to celebrate her mom and Ed’s engagement and then he could casually mention his feelings. Or maybe that was better done in private. Either way, he should go to town right now and talk to her.
“I won’t be late,” he told Koda. “I won’t stay the night. I’ll be home to take care of you.”
He quickly fed the dog, made sure the doggie door was operational, then drove down the mountain road leading to Happily Inc. Along the way he tried to find the right words, but everything he came up with seemed lame, which was not a good sign. He kind of made his living with words—shouldn’t he be better at this?
Still not sure what verbal direction made the most sense, he parked by her apartment building, raced across the lawn and took the stairs to her place only to hesitate in front of her door for at least three minutes. Finally he knocked.
She opened the door and smiled when she saw him.
“Jasper! Did I know you were coming by? Come on in. It’s a big night here. Fred accidentally sat on my lap for about thirty seconds. Then he came to his senses, hissed at me and ran off. Lucille, on the other hand, sticks close and loves to snuggle.”
She looked incredible. She was barefoot and casually dressed in capris and a T-shirt. She’d scrubbed off her makeup. There were freckles on her nose and cheeks. Her mouth beckoned. He wanted her but more than that, he loved her.
Her smile faded. “Are you okay? You have the strangest expression.”
“I’m fine.”
She didn’t look convinced. She pulled him into the living room and sat next to him on the sofa. Once they were angled toward each other, it occurred to him that it would be so easy to slide to one knee and—
He swore under his breath, thinking he was not ready to propose. Besides, he didn’t have a ring and he hadn’t even told her he loved her. One step at a time, he reminded himself. He didn’t want to screw this up.
“Jasper, you’re scaring me.”
“I don’t mean to.” He looked at her. “Have you talked to your mom? Is she happy?”
Renee looked slightly surprised by the question but she nodded slowly. “She is. She said they both realize things are moving fast, so they’re going to wait several months before setting a date. She sounded so excited and in love. I’m so glad for her.”
“Me, too.”
He continued to watch her. Renee shifted on her seat. “What is going on?”
He had to do it, he told himself. He would just put it out there and see what happened.
Lucille jumped onto the sofa and curled up next to him. He petted the cat, hoping the action would be soothing.
It wasn’t. He sucked in a breath and said, “Renee, I’m in love with you. You are incredible—not just because you’re beautiful, although you are, but because of everything else about you. You’re smart and caring. You’re funny and I want to be with you. I want to make you happy and I hope you want that, too.”
Her eyes widened as she stared at him without speaking.
“You make me a better man,” he continued, wondering when she was going to say something. “I think we work as a couple and—”
“No!” She sprang to her feet and hurried to the far side of the room. “Why are you doing this? We agreed we wouldn’t do this. We talked about it. We have a relationship that we both like but it’s not love. We’re not supposed to be in love. I don’t want you to love me. Love isn’t safe. You have to know that.”
Tears filled her eyes and her voice softened to a whisper. “Don’t, Jasper. Don’t make me do this. Don’t ask for more than I have. I can’t risk it. I just can’t.”
His happiness evaporated as dread took its place. She wasn’t ready. Or she didn’t share his feelings. Either was bad.
“What are you afraid of?” he asked, careful to keep his voice neutral. “Your mom isn’t an issue. Not with me. I’m not going to break your heart or hurt you.”
“Of course you are. That’s what people do. They hurt each other. You’ll hurt me and then you’ll leave. You’re going to leave me and it will be over. I’ll be shattered and damag
ed for the rest of my life.”
He stood. “I’m not those other guys.”
“It doesn’t matter.” Tears slipped down her cheeks. “You said you wouldn’t do this. What we had was great. Don’t ask me to change.”
“You have to trust me.”
“I can’t.”
“You won’t.”
She brushed away the tears. “Does it really matter which it is? I can’t risk it. I don’t have another broken heart in me.”
She walked into her bedroom and closed the door behind her. Jasper stood there, alone. But I love you. He wanted to shout the words, only he knew they wouldn’t matter. Not to her.
Hell of a thing, he thought as he let himself out and walked back to his truck. Hell of thing.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
JASPER SAT IN his truck for several minutes, not sure what to do, think or feel. Renee’s response had stunned him. He’d certainly been aware of the possibility that she might not share his feelings, but he’d never thought that she would be that upset and simply walk away from him. Funny how he’d been so worried about healing from his own past, he’d never considered that she might not be over hers.
He wanted to do something, but what? There weren’t words to convince her that everything was going to be fine. How could there be? Life was always a crapshoot. If only he didn’t already miss her.
His phone buzzed with a text. He grabbed it, hoping it was Renee. But instead the message was from Drew.
San Francisco is kicking the Rams’s collective asses my friend. You’re going to owe me $20.
At first the message made no sense. It was as if Drew were using a language Jasper didn’t speak. Then the meaning sank in. The weekly football pool he was in with his friends. He and Drew always had a side bet on the Thursday night game and tonight it was San Francisco and the Rams.
He scrolled through his contacts, then pushed the call button.
“Twenty big ones,” Drew said by way of greeting. “You’re going to owe me, my man. Ha!”
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