by Prerna . K
"yeah darling, Im also one of you." He said smiling, till his eyes shined.
"why you did not tell me about it earlier." I said, hugging him joyously. "oh my god, you were also, goodness," I said with a lot of happiness lead in my voice, "what the fuck, it was unbelievable."
"I was also surprised and shocked, for me too things were unbelievable. and I was literally waiting for you to see I was the one. but you got me anxious, making me think if I'm not her James how she can be my connection." He said gripping me in his arms.
“Oh god, I can’t believe this, no way.” I said hiding my smile behind my palms. This was the craziest thing ever, this was the reason I had little anxiety about us, this was exactly the connection I wanted.
“This is actually crazy, but see I wanted somebody from asylum and look at yourself you are a walking asylum.”
“Goodness, we had the same thing, you are literally James.”
“You have doubts; don’t tell me I will seriously kill you now. I admit I not had the same madness, but I took part in it.”
"I not had a mindset like you did, neither I was sure if I was looking for someone like you, but it just happened, very easily, with least efforts, we just connected. I just knew you were that person, whom I was trying to find in every face." He said hugging me, while I was still trying to recover this biggest shock.
We both laughed together, loud, looking at each other by and by, realising this craziest thing happened to us today, walking on the shore, back to our resorts.
“Cool, at least we had same connection.” I said.
“So are we going to announce this?”
“No” I said.
“Why”
“Curiosity, I want to live that secrecy thing of a relationship.” I said gigglingly.
Door knocked. “James” Maira shouted.
“God, these people” I smiled leaving him,
“Open the door.” She shouted.
“I'm with Ritz, dude.”
“Oh, I'm sorry, you guys continue. Bye.”
“Goodbye.”
I smiled, “she already know everything.” I said.
“Yeah, she is the one who is most excited for us, in my group.”
“Good, I will enjoy her company; it is good she like me. You will be in less trouble.”
“I'm already in less trouble; I know you will not ask me to choose between you both.”
“Never, you can at least love some people, in this world of billions.”
The story starts
the most awaited one.
Two days after, we both decided to tell about us to our friends. Because Maira and Ben and my whole gang were becoming desperate to see us dating, we felt it was wrong to hide it from the ones who were most excited.
The same evening we all went to a church that was on a little hill. None of our friends has any idea what was going between us. When we were going back, after attending the church I held his hand, and ask him to come back, when they all left, I kissed him, in front of Christ, he held my waist, kissed me gently, and asked “why, here.” “Fantasy and curiosity,” I said smilingly. “Mad girl” he replied.
When we were roaming around, we all stopped at one edge where a musical band was singing some Portuguese song, with some dancing couples. The sun was setting, the sky was beautifully pink and orange, James was with me in the church, but now he was with Ben and Maira.
I looked towards him; we had an eye contact, and turned, after some time he was not there. I looked around, he was nowhere.
After some time, he came behind me, swiftly held my waist, I went a step back closer to him, he kissed my head gently and said, “Let’s make it official babe.”
I looked towards him, “what.”
“You will get to know.” He said leaving my skin.
Ben came beside James and said “let’s go.” They both went together, I don’t know where. After the band's song finished we were going back, the band was announcing about another singer who was going to sing for us. But my group was restless, they all said let's go now. I just turned back, that Maira said, “James what is he doing there.”
I turned back, he was adjusting his guitar and Ben was standing as a musical keyboard musician.
The music flowed, James started singing,
I found a love
I smiled thinking about the day when he dazed me to think he is James. He started singing that song, everyone else, who were leaving stood and soon there was a big crowd, he was singing it beautifully.
His every word felt dipped in love; anyone could fell in love with this song. I remembered the days when I used to lose myself in this song imagining me and James. Jas,Neha, Ash and Shubh, who were around me, they're even more excited then I was.
When the second phara begin, he stood up, shifting guitar to his back, the mic was still in his hand, as the lyrics
We are still kids, but so in love,
Fighting against all odds I won’t give you up this time,
flowed, he came towards me held my hand, and brought me out of the crowd, in the middle of the place, I was literally smiling hard, our whole group was clapping madly, my girl's faces were filled with unbelievable happiness, they were literally bewildered like they had won a victory. Joseph was standing proud smiling so sweetly as if his younger sister was getting married literally, the whole crowd started hooting and talking something, whispering. James took off the guitar, and gave mic to another singer, As the line,
Darling just hold my hand
The other singer sang he sat on his knees holding out his hand; I smiled louder with all those butterflies in me. He looked at me himself blushing; the other singer sang the lyrics that actually matched with the moment.
Be my girl, I will be your man; I see my future in your eyes.
James said, in his deep voice “be my girl,” I laughed louder and nodded, he stood up, the song continued, he showed me that feather sign ring which he left in my room that day. I smiled; I was already wearing it so I passed that ring in his right finger as a commitment.
The song was on,
Dancing in the dark, with you between my arms,
All the other couples from our group and the crowd itself, were brought out by the earlier dancing couples, He kissed my hand, held my waist when I got my arms around his neck. We both laughed looking at each other with tears of joy, sparkling in our eye. We said together, “I found you”; my cheeks smiled more from my eyes.
We both had a cute little kiss, to declare it, everyone started hooting, and clapping, it was such a cute and romantic moment, one like I have always dreamt with one like him. I found my dream at last. Or at least, my dream's shadow, a person who very easily blended with my James. A story was started, though I had my nostalgia already in me, but at least the longest chase of my time ended, and now my life was ready for another.
I looked at my girls; their eyes also had the same shine mine did. Their faces were flushed with happiness, such big and bright smile. Their heart was still open for me, I love them.
I know,
our childhood is becoming older,
but this love we tied
like nods,
tangled in the strings of heart,
we might be away
but never apart.
I love you.
---One for the oldest lovers I got.
because at that time, I could feel this, even in his arms, I won't let the old arms loss the love for them. They had their own victory, their own space in me, no body can take their place, "I have gilded you guys too in my heart." I said to myself in their honor.
and that’s how it started…
``I love you, James`
``goodbye`` and in my heart, you will go on and on, love never die babe.
Her Dairy
Closed
Back to "phase one"
I closed the dairy smiling with all the feelings I had that day, they revised their bloom once again in me. Though I could not help it, my ch
eek had those sparkling lines, it was obviously painful to go back in the past, reconnect with all the lovely, beautiful things and then come back with these nostalgic feelings.
To remind myself she lived in this book but was nowhere around me, was the worst thing. I really wanted to hold her back in my arms. I started staring at the sky, controlling my tears, even sometimes just letting them run out.
These were feelings, they were in me, we spent more than three years with each other, I couldn’t help it. I got the dairy closer to my heart and kissed it, erupting my feelings a little more. No matter how worst it get, I can never get over with this dairy. I liked it more now, than before.
Only I knew how terrible it became for me to read that goodbye, because I knew I had nothing else like that. This goodbye, meant a good bye for this life. All I had was memories, and this sky that always made me feel like she was around me. I was better in loving her like a dream now.
I closed my eyes to remember all the other things we did, she did. And I knew I could still feel the love, the bliss the happiness everything of that moment, but couldn’t have them back.
This love was like forever in me. And it will always be. I still love her for all we have shared, and will love her till my last day, just as she does.
I was playing with that dream connection ring that I still had, looking at the sky she loved twenty-four seven, three sixty-five, whether it was same or not, it was beautiful or pale, it was calm, or alarming thunder, it had stars or nothing at all, she just always loved to stare it because she knew she loved the sky for whatever it was, to whatever it changed like. Her consistent flow of love for the sky and for each human being in her life never stopped. She lived life like a dream. She loved like she was never hurt.
I started imagining a situation in which she was here beside me, but that truly felt like salt over my wound. What more could I do? I was helpless. I hidingly passed a very little flying kiss in the air, closing my eyes, I love you, I whispered, and strangely this word was my strength now, I smiled in usual pain. Now I could understand it, why she so effortlessly talked about hurts.
Time was the only medicine and as it is said in her poetic terms, the sluttish time. And just like her, now I liked dragging my emotion to the feet of pain, just to feel her more. It was truly fun.
This heart is already broken,
The crack used to bleed to death
But don’t know when
This filled in the vacuum
Now, even the cheeks are familiar with
The crying taste,
It still hurt, I promise
But this time
Sluttish guide
Got me used to it
And it is fun.
We became little and uncertain
exactly nobody
In this sand world.
In my heart you will go on and on, love never die babe. I said breathing out, with the knowness of love in me.
The last song
After three hour rest, my team was in the venue, I was rehearsing the whole day for this concert. Checking the stage and lights and music. My whole team including my musician, my vocal masters, the back dancers, were practicing to their level best. The energy and spirit of LA was epic. People were beyond fans, I was so blissful with this sense of energy and knowing this tour especially this concert was going to be insane. I was also playing guitar and piano here, so I needed to rehearse more.
So many times I walked down the stage, to look at all the light and visuals, the position of musicians, dancers,’ speakers, and everything possible. Honestly that caught my spirit, the whole set up altogether was so enthusiastic to watch, I was filling up with the thrill and excitement for this concert. My heart knew it was going to be great.
As the musician played the last music which was romantic and a very calm song that I have sung with her, in this place some two years before with some hundred people going crazy for us, I felt her.
This made me realize where I was as a little new singer; today in that same place I was organizing such a big concert for more than millions of people, as a big pop star. I felt that tuck in my heart, looking towards a big dream for which I gave up myself, risked my life, wasted so much of time, the dream for which I sacrificed every little distraction, was today in front of me. The wait was over, and my new life started, it was a new journey. My heart was filling up with a character I never felt in me before, but still it was beautiful and unbelievable. This was it.
End of my long chase and proof of my power of faith. I again sound like her; she is literally always in me. It is a dream baby, no alternative, no option. She always said. She found hers, I found mine, and now it was the time for a new dream to invent, some more meaning to add, in my little life and many days.
I smiled thinking she might fight with the guards or climb on the stage and kiss me or hug me with all love. Then dance like she owns this place. she might come to see his James, with his perfect dream.
I was singing the last song, “when the world was ending” with a lot of good bad emotions in me, the strings of the piano were at their best place, it was hard to concentrate on the song when I knew, anything can happen. She can be here, or maybe she won’t come. Even the song lyrics were breaking, they were cracking me so hard, my voice was shivering, my cheeks were already covered, this song was haunting me hard but I had to keep singing on.
I closed my eyes, pulled my lungs from my noise, sang the lines in their best ways, I didn’t want to open my eyes until I hear that one voice, for what I was waiting so desperately. Some where I even felt prepared if she didnt.
The enthusiastic voice of the crowd was slowing down, they could see my pain, but I was not in any strength to control myself, every word was breaking, also filled with love for her, the end of the song was coming closer, slowly I was breaking down again, I could feel her more than ever.
I was just trying to get isolated behind that piano, but nothing seemed to help, I was just pulling out the lyrics from my sore throat,
The end.
Back to "the present"
“What happened afterward, why haven’t you completed it? Does she come or not?”
“I myself don’t know. Its incomplete.”
“Come on you might have thought of some end.”
“Yeah I thought, but I want to keep this story incomplete.”
“What’s the logic?”
“Simple, It is not just a story, it is very personal to me. I know James and I will meet, be together, rock together, but uncertain end will always be around us, dont know how but separation will come, so I kept the reason lingering.."
" But, Why?"
“Because it is very personal to me, writing this incomplete was already breaking, visioning all the type we could end was enough for me. I am not that strong to write it.” just because I sound like its easy for me, but think about it, how a thought like that can be easier. It haunt me similar as sepration do to any other.
“you are loving him this madly to loss him one day, are you mad?’”
“ we don’t have a choice, and what’s wrong in accepting everything is incomplete.” Seriously, even if we lived till end together, one will be left trying to grip all the sliping sand and the other will be gone, forever. Leaving other crying on his or her death bed, grave and all the memories griped in little mind.
“Are you literally mad, you are so fucking depressed?”
“I know that already." Who is not,
I practice your departure,
even when my heart try to
stop this vision,
it shake me harder,
but tears are wept,
to cry again
at least I know
our graves are ready,
only in hearts
you can go on.
“You should not think all this, it’s too negative bro.”
"We don’t value anything, any person if we are not afraid to loss them." Even life is too negative, otherwise.
Its all in the acceptance. And we can manipulate everything in our favour, just try it.
“Wait a minute; you haven’t loved anyone till now. So practically you don’t know the pain of losing someone.”
I feel like we human always compare my hurt with yours and then measure how much it pains, so its useless to explain anyone why you can feel pain. I think, so I said, "off course I have never loved anyone."
“Ok but still with James it will be different.” He said after thinking a little.
"The time we spend, the way we express, the type of memories we have, only thats different, why we mistake all these attachments with love." I said. "Love is love darling, its simply an inner happiness, a feeling that comes the most from loving, just that."
"Hmm." he said slyly.
"Any other question." I asked.
"Yeah, Aren't you mad enough to think James is also looking for you." Neel said.
"See, its like two people crushing on each other, secretly. I want that connection." I said, feeling like how I explained it in so least words, because thats the hardest thing for me.
"Okay, carry on, I can't say anything." He said.
"Oh you have this much brain to understand it," that you have no say in what should I believe in. I said in my head.
"Understand what." He asked.
"Leave that, how was the story?"
"Oh, you leave that, first give me the poems you have written for him," he said excitedly.
"No, they are extreme level of my romance and madness. The little brain you have, I dont want to expload it."
"Fuck off." He said.
"I love you, bye." I said.
"Shut up!"
Call hang up. I went back to the terries, where Jas, Ash, Shubh, Neha and Tyagi were already sitting, and we all watched the sky with its new shade today.