The fact that Grayson Rath was sort of blogging the whole time I was, that we shared that need to express our anger and frustration…it rattles me. I never wanted to believe that I had a single thing in common with a monster, but I did. Probably, we all do. It’s scary. At first I told myself that all I’d wanted from my blog was some understanding and love, whereas all he wanted was to hurt and destroy, but I was being dishonest with myself. The truth is that every time I mentioned Ian, I wanted my words to stick another needle in him. Every time I insulted a politician or somebody or something that had offended me, I wanted revenge.
Thank God my only weapons were words. Still, I wonder if hurtful words, or the lack of positive, life-affirming ones, were what eventually drove Grayson Rath to violence. What was it that made the difference in our lives? What tipped the balance? Was it really all the prenatal influences on him, none of which I suffered? Or was it a very simple lack of love in his life? I am always going to wonder about this and I will always be watchful from now on. You should too.
Anyway, that’s it from me for a while. I am done with the abyss and all of its darkness. That includes you, Ian. This is my last goodbye. I will never mention you in print again. No more focusing on the negative. I am so hungry for the light.
I have no idea where this new path will lead me, but I’ll be sure to let you know when I get there. Love and peace, my friends. Spread it around.
* * *
Grayson Rath voice recording
This message is for Ms. Mia Swain. I don’t know where she lives or how to get in touch with her except that she writes a blog called And Sometimes the Abyss Winks at You. I thought that was a pretty weird title when I first read it, but I’m beginning to see what she means by it. The abyss is winking at me. Telling me it’s coming. No getting away this time, it says.
Pretty soon, Mia, you’re going to be saying to yourself, thank God it’s all over. I am sorry to tell you, though, you will be wrong on two counts. First off, there is no God for you to be thanking. Not unless he’s out there in those woods where I spent the best week of my life not long ago. I know for certain he’s not where you are and not where I am or where any other human being is. Honestly, I don’t believe he’d be caught dead hanging out anywhere near any of us.
As for the second count where you’re wrong, it’s not over. You think this kind of stuff will end with me? It didn’t begin with me and it’s sure as hell not going to end with me, sweetheart.
I remember my grandma telling me that back when she was young, people never got divorced. They might’ve wanted to, but they didn’t, not most times anyway. They stuck it out and raised their kids, worked hard, were happy for what little they had. Grandma herself never once thought about getting divorced. Stayed with him through thick and thin until his heart quit on him. She never quit on him though. Not for a second.
She also said when she was a kid she hardly knew any other kids who were overweight. Maybe one or two in a class. And nobody talked about being depressed. Nobody took drugs for it. Nobody had celiac or crohn’s or gluten allergies or anything like that. If you or your neighbors hadn’t raised it or grew it, you didn’t eat it, she said. And kids didn’t sit in the house all day playing video games or watching TV or trying to make more “friends” on Facebook from strangers they’d never meet. They had chores or jobs to do. The biggest problems in school were fighting and being absent and not taking a bath often enough and now it’s heroin and meth and pregnancy and kids with guns and knives. What I’m saying is, take a look around, Mia. Look at the people you know. Look at yourself. My, my how things have changed. And they’re not ever going back to the way they were. They will only get worse.
Coming up that long dirt road to this house the first time, I saw a hawk sitting in a tree. I’ve always liked hawks. They’re always alone, you know? Sitting up high so noble and all, watching everything that moves. They can see for miles. Can spot a mouse twitching its tail in the tall grass. It always made me feel good to see a hawk. Made me feel like something good was going to happen. I used to think I was sort of like a hawk myself, just standing off away from everything and watching it happen. Above it all.
If those fellas outside ever let you listen to this, do me a favor and tell my grandmother I’m sorry. I know I’m nothing but another disappointment to her. If it makes her feel any better, tell her I’m disappointed too. And while you’re at it, tell Al I said thanks. He was decent to me, even though it was mostly for himself.
Getting back to whether there’s a God or not. If there is, it’s kind of a waste, isn’t it? A person like me, I mean. Have you ever thought about that, Mia Swain? Why would a God throw away a person after making him? Doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, does it? Why would he let me do what I’ve done? There’s only two possible answers to that. One, he likes to see us hurt each other. Or two, his intentions are good, but he screws up a lot.
Either way, I won’t be the last, that’s for sure. There’s a million others just like me already. And a million more to come. If you don’t believe me, just look into the abyss a while. Trust me, Mia Swain. Trust me. You’ll see.
I guess that’s it then. Screw it. I’m done with all this.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Photo © 2016 Maddison Hodge
Randall Silvis is the internationally acclaimed author of 20 books thus far. Also a prize-winning playwright, produced screenwriter, and prolific essayist, Silvis was the first Pennsylvanian to win the prestigious Drue Heinz Literature Prize. The recipient of two National Endowment for the Arts Literature Fellowships, a Fulbright Senior Scholar Research Award and six writing fellowships from the Pennsylvania Council on the Arts for his fiction, drama and screenwriting, he was awarded an honorary Doctor of Letters degree from Indiana University of Pennsylvania for “a sustained record of distinguished literary achievement.”
Learn more about Silvis’s work at www.randallsilvis.com
He co-hosts the popular podcast The Writers Hangout at www.thewritershangout.com. You can follow him on Twitter @randallsilvis.
Randall Silvis is an author’s author. Those who write for a living (or aspire to do so)
could hardly do better than to study his significant body of work,
which has been critically acclaimed and recognized throughout the world—
an author who never disappoints.
BOOKREPORTER.COM
Randall Silvis is a masterful storyteller.
THE NEW YORK TIMES BOOK REVIEW
ALSO BY RANDALL SILVIS
Ryan DeMarco Mysteries
Two Days Gone
Walking the Bones
A Long Way Down
Edgar Allan Poe Mysteries
On Night’s Shore
Disquiet Heart (also published as Doubly Dead)
Other Novels
Excelsior
An Occasional Hell
Under the Rainbow
Dead Man Falling
Mysticus
Hangtime, a Confession
In a Town Called Mundomuerto
The Boy Who Shoots Crows
Flying Fish
Blood & Ink
Only the Rain
First the Thunder
Short Story Collection
The Luckiest Man in the World (winner of the Drue Heinz Literature Prize)
Creative Nonfiction
Heart So Hungry (also published as North of Unknown)
Other Mystery/Thriller Titles at Riverdale Avenue Books
Of White Snakes and Misshapen Owls:
The Charlotte Olmes Mystery Series
By Debra Hyde
http://riverdaleavebooks.com/books/4101/of-white-snakes-and-misshapen-owls
The Tattered Heiress:
Book Two of the Charlotte Olmes Mystery Series
By Debra Hyde
http://riverdaleavebooks.com/books/5216/the-tattered-heiress-volume-two-of-the-charlotte-olmes-mystery-series
Trashy Chic
Book One in the Bertie Mallowan Mystery Series
By Cathy Lubenski
http://riverdaleavebooks.com/books/5172/trashy-chic-a-bertie-mallowan-mystery
Snarky Park
Book Two in the Bertie Mallowan Mystery Series
By Cathy Lubenski
http://riverdaleavebooks.com/books/5190/snarky-park
Fifty Shades of Grey Fedora
By Robert J. Randisi
http://riverdaleavebooks.com/books/5166/fifty-shades-of-grey-fedora
Sixers:
Volume One of the Macroglint Trilogy
By John Patrick Kavanagh
http://riverdaleavebooks.com/books/5144/camdens-knife-volume-one-of-the-macroglint-trilogy
Weekend at Prism
Volume Two of the Macroglint Trilogy
By John Patrick Kavanagh
http://riverdaleavebooks.com/books/5268/weekend-at-prism-volume-two-of-the-macroglint-trilogy
Sanctuary Creek
Volume Three of the Macroglint Trilogy
By John Patrick Kavanagh
http://riverdaleavebooks.com/books/5363/sanctuary-creek-book-three-in-the-macroglint-trilogy
The Ripper Letter: Book One in the Heart of Darkness series
By Katherine Ramsland
http://riverdaleavebooks.com/books/5265/the-ripper-letter
Track the Ripper: Book Two in the Heart of Darkness Series
By Katherine Ramsland
http://riverdaleavebooks.com/books/5379/track-the-ripper-book-two-in-the-heart-of-darkness-series
Incident on Ten-Right Road Page 24