by Merry Farmer
Leave No Crewman in Peril
I tried not to wince at Milton’s horrible French accent as he described Caleb to a fisherman off the coast of France. His French was stilted, and I itched to take over in my native tongue. However, the grizzled fisherman had made it clear from the disdainful look he’d given me when I stepped onto his ship in breeches that he thought me peculiar and was unlikely to speak with me directly. It grated on my nerves, but for Caleb, I would endure anything. Despite the way Aludra, Hannah, and Grand-mère had taken shifts hovering over Evelyn’s bedside, her fever had broken only to bleed into a despondency that bordered on the catatonic. She cried frequently, worried sick for her son. In order to keep both of them whole, I was determined to reunite them.
To that end, this wasn’t the first fisherman we’d cornered. After returning to the coordinates Milton had supplied from memory, I had sequestered myself with my other officers and spent hours conferring over which path to search. Hannah had used her navigational expertise to find us the most likely course based on the tides, the welcome Tamara’s crew would find on the French coast, and the survivors’ urgency for food and water. With our sails clipped to avoid speed, we rode out to meet every fishing vessel we spotted.
This one was the first to supply us with any useful information. Slowly, the fisherman nodded. “A boy like that stopped in town with two of his aunts. They spent the night with my sister and moved on in the morning. I think she mentioned family in Calais where the boy might be left.” Narrowing his eyes, the men looked between me and Milton. “This wasn’t a kidnapping, was it? You aren’t his parents?”
I exchanged a look with Milton. It wasn’t the first time we had been asked about Caleb’s parentage. Something about our demeanor must have suggested that we were sharing a bed. This time, I answered in flawless French. “We are concerned friends of his mother who is very ill. Thank you for your help.”
I turned, and Milton helped me into the small dinghy. After a dozen such trips, his touch felt natural. It might have something to do with the ardent touches he gave me late at night as he warmed the bed next to me. Over the past week, I’d come to expect these small gestures of intimacy—even enjoy them.
After he settled in across from me, he took up the oars and rowed us back to the ship bobbing on the horizon not far away. I frowned, drumming my fingers on the wooden side.
“Calais… Do you think we’ll find him there?” I didn’t know whether to hold out some semblance of hope. There might be a dozen such boys seeking refuge in France at the moment. More than anything, I wanted to return to the ship to tell Evelyn that we had made progress. Hope might be the only thing to heal her.
Noncommittal, Milton answered, “This is the first we’ve heard of him.” The oars splashed rhythmically, drawing us ever nearer to our destination. “It’s clear the crew split up if he has only two women with him.”
That was another matter. Although Caleb took precedence, Tamara’s entire crew was missing. Over a dozen women who now had to fend for themselves.
To distract myself from the niggle of worry in my belly, I breathed in and out with the swing of the oars. Milton, his shirt sleeves rolled up to his elbows and his muscles bunching with every movement, continued to row. I couldn’t help but admire his musculature despite the fact I had learned every inch of it through our evenings together. Without the Navy jacket, too distinctive to wear while approaching the French, he looked like a simple man. A strong, respectful, devilishly inventive man who I had all to myself. I dug my fingers into the wood of the boat.
My voice a rasp, I answered, “I suspect we will take a long time to find them all, if we ever do. Many are skilled at pretending to be men. They might find work on other ships and scatter to the wind.”
It wouldn’t be freedom, but it was a damn sight better than starvation.
Abruptly, Milton stopped rowing. He dragged the oars across his lap and clutched them in his fists. The look he wore was intent, perhaps even amorous.
I frowned. “What are you…?”
“We need to talk. This might be the most privacy we’ll find outside of your cabin.”
Instinctively, I searched for an exit. Unless I wanted to swim the entire way back to the ship, I was at his mercy. Thus far, he had abided by my wishes not to speak of our relationship or our future. I wanted to enjoy our time rather than agonize over the complications.
Now, he left me no choice. He caught my gaze and held it. “I know you’d rather not address this, but when we find Caleb, I will have to leave. The Navy might have labeled me a deserter. If they haven’t, I can’t let my command be given to someone else.”
All this time, I’d been trying not to think of the future with him. Now, I didn’t want to think of one without him. I pressed my lips together, saying nothing.
He took that as an invitation to continue. “I’d like to be married before I leave as per our arrangement.”
His words were perfunctory. Not romantic, not ardent. He might as well have been speaking of the weather. A shivery sensation coursed through me, making me hot and cold in turns.
Milton cocked an eyebrow. “Assuming you still mean to honor your word?”
His expression was hard, the look of a man who was ruthless when conquering. Despite the way he’d respected my wishes and boundaries so far, that expression left no doubt he would argue if I declined. Milton was a man who was not above using all the weapons in his arsenal to ensure I changed my mind.
The problem was, I didn’t know what I wanted from him. Or perhaps I did—I wanted our arrangement to remain as it was.
The thought of marrying him, of being forced to do his bidding rather than choosing to be with him, left a sour taste in my mouth. “I didn’t invite you into my bed because of our arrangement.”
His mouth curved in a devilish half smile. “Invite me? You commanded it.” Balancing the oars in one hand, he reached over and cupped my cheek. The rough pad of his thumb brushed over my lower lip. I shivered and nervously, I licked my lips, only to taste the salt on his skin.
His eyes darkened with desire. Fortunately, he had enough sense to know that the open ocean was no place for a tryst. He retracted his hand and fisted it on his lap. “Tell me what you want, Jeanne.”
I nibbled on my lower lip. “There is no room aboard a Navy vessel for a man’s wife, is there?”
Slowly, he shook his head. “It’s bad luck to take a woman aboard.”
I glowered at him.
His mouth kicked up into a smile. “Don’t kick me overboard now. I’m reiterating the prevailing superstition, not telling you my personal beliefs.”
I drew in a breath, feeling stifled despite the wide ocean as far as I could see. I looked away, trying to remind myself that my horizons were as limitless as the panorama in front of me. For the first time since I’d left home, it didn’t calm me.
Woodenly, I told him, “I will hold to our original agreement, but make no mistake. Our marriage will not be a conventional one.” I needed to hold on to whatever power I could.
Undaunted, Milton pried my hand from the side of the boat and kissed my knuckles. His eyes twinkled as he answered, “I’m certain our marriage will be whatever you command.”
After a day spent conferring with Hannah over how best to reach Calais without running aground or afoul of French or British ships, I returned to my cabin expecting Milton to be there. I was conflicted. Weary, I wanted nothing more than to melt into his arms and forget myself again. But as I hesitated outside of the door to my cabin, a lingering knot tightened in my belly, one that refused to come undone.
Why had he brought up the discussion of marriage? All I wanted was freedom. But that had never been a part of our arrangement. Not two years ago—and not now.
Perhaps I was overreacting. After all, the past few weeks had proven that Milton and I had heat, chemistry, and camaraderie. What more could I hope for in a marriage? Even if the only time I let down my guard was when I pursued release in his arms
. He soothed me. He helped me forget my worries.
That included forgetting the consequences of the future. The moment he left, I would ensure that I wasn’t with child and reclaim my life. During this trip, I hadn’t anticipated going to bed with a man, let alone sharing one with him every night this week. I didn’t want a child. Not now, perhaps not at all.
The past two years had been such a blissful release. I hadn’t had to consider marriage or babies. The future as he described it suffocated me. I laid a hand over my chest, steeling myself. One way or another, I had to face him. I’d already given him my answer, so perhaps he would not introduce the topic again.
I entered the room, certain I would find him inside it. With the lingering animosity of the crew, particularly Aludra and Tamara, he kept to himself while aboard. However, the only male currently warming my bed was Papillon. His slitted gaze spoke volumes to his enthusiasm over being interrupted. I trudged over to him, nevertheless. Leaning my rump against the mattress, I sighed.
I found the spot he liked behind his ears and scratched until his eyes slid closed. “What of you, Papillon? Do you miss running amok in the grass and flowers?” At Grand-mère’s house by the coast, he’d brought the cook gifts of mice almost every day. He still did, even though he was aboard a ship. In that respect, his life hadn’t much changed, had it?
He purred, contented.
Reluctant to move, I lifted the cat onto my shoulders. “I suppose we’d best follow Milton before Tamara hangs him by his heels from the crow’s nest.” I wouldn’t put it past her. Even if she would have to enlist the crew to hoist a man of his weight half that high.
The cat settled like a mantle along the back of my shirt, digging in his claws to maintain balance as I carefully made my way to the deck. As I opened the door to the quarterdeck, the wind brought a snatch of conversation to my ears from the poop deck above.
“You haven’t considered anything save for your own desires, have you?”
The voice, thick with venom, belonged to Aludra. She sounded more emotional than I’d heard her in months.
Stiffly, Milton answered, “I don’t know to what you are referring.”
I froze. For him to sound that detached, Aludra must be near to threatening him. I must save them both from this conversation. When I started forward, Papillon hissed a protest. He clawed at the opening to the door, snagging his claws in the wood. His back claws dug into my shoulders so I stopped, hissing in pain. Had I hurt him?
No, but he refused to release the doorway.
Aludra answered, “I’m referring to Jeanne.”
The wind brought the creak of the ship, the rustle of sails overhead, the distant calls of crew members as they performed routine duties. I almost didn’t hear Milton’s soft answer.
“What has she told you?”
“Nothing. I’m her first mate, not her confidant.”
When Tamara had served as my first mate, she had been both. However, she also had been one of the few who had helped to navigate these uncharted waters with me. She was more than a crew member; she was my friend. However much respect I had for Aludra, she’d joined the crew later and was so closed off with everyone that I tended to speak only of business with her.
“Then perhaps you ought to know the facts before you jump to conclusions.”
“I know for a fact she’s warming your bed.”
“Actually, I think I’m warming hers.”
Aludra’s voice didn’t warm at the joke. “Semantics,” she snapped.
The mirth left Milton’s voice, too. “I don’t see how this is any of your concern. Jeanne is a grown woman capable of making her own decisions.”
Inwardly cursing, I managed to free Papillon’s claws from the wood. He flexed them, threatening to shred the skin on my hands before he settled against my shoulders once more. However, even once I had him free, I didn’t move. I waited to hear more, running my fingers through the cat’s fur until he purred in my ear. It did little to loosen my suddenly stiff muscles.
Aludra answered, “Under any other circumstances, I would agree. But in this case, you are holding the safety of her crew over her head. She will do anything to see us safe. It’s why we follow her.”
“She’s a woman worthy of esteem.”
It sounded like an agreement, but I held my breath.
Aludra snapped, “Flattery will not help you. I’m stating the facts.”
“And they are?” His casual tone was lined with steel.
“That she has never before expressed an interest in marriage.”
“I understand you might have had a poor experience with marriage, but every situation is different. I have nothing but respect and admiration for Jeanne.”
I smiled, warmed by his words. The feeling was mutual.
But Aludra was right, too. Marriage had never been a goal I hoped to attain.
Softly, my first mate added, “I did not have a poor experience with marriage—I had a nightmare of a marriage. And that is what makes me qualified to say this, because I am more like Jeanne than you realize. I’m telling you this so you can save yourself a lot of pain, but especially so she doesn’t go through what I did.”
Milton didn’t argue. I didn’t move.
I couldn’t breathe.
“Jeanne will not make a landlocked wife. She has the salt of the sea in her blood. Perhaps you’re right. Your relationship and its particulars are between the two of you. But stop and ask yourself if what you want would make what she wants impossible. She isn’t made to be subservient.”
Aludra’s words were final, the end of a conversation. Shakily, I retreated with Papillon to my cabin. I shut the door and crossed to drop onto the bed before my legs gave out. The moment I did, the cat jumped to my lap. He curled up, purring vigorously in comfort. I combed my fingers through his fur, trying to take solace in his presence the way I had countless times before.
The finality of Aludra’s words cut me. She was right. I wasn’t made to be subservient. Was that what I could look forward to with him, the very thing I stole my ship to avoid?
Two years later, my fate seemed now unavoidable. What was worse, I’d surrendered to the chemistry and the passion and the bond between us. I had let myself get caught.
Chapter 13
Go Down With the Ship
With our parting imminent, I took advantage of every moment Milton and I had left. At night, our unions became bittersweet, all urgent touches and no talking. I fell asleep tense, but with the scent and the heat of Milton’s body, my muscles slowly unknotted. In the mornings, I left before he rose.
But my diligence was not wasted. At last, we reached Calais, where we would hopefully find Caleb. For Evelyn’s sake, we must.
She looked reed-thin as I held her hand between both of mine. In the light filtering in through the porthole, her skin was waxen. She looked as though she had turned skeletal inside a month. Evelyn had risked everything for her son, had devoted herself to bringing him a better life. It was clear she loved him so much she could not handle his loss.
Despite her appearance, her voice and grip were strong as she looked up at me. Her eyes were wide and wild. “Are you certain it’s him?”
I hesitated. I didn’t want to lie to her, to raise hopes that might kill her if I had to dash them. “You know I can make no promises. However, we confirmed at multiple villages along the way that a boy matching Caleb’s description and two women passed through on their way to Calais. I think we have reason to hope.”
Her eyes shone with tears. “Please, Jeanne. Bring him home safe.”
I squeezed her hand. “I’ll do my best.”
When I stood, I found Aludra in the doorway. She had readied herself to depart for the mainland, hiding away her breeches and shirt in favor of skirts and tying her headscarf into a turban. Her expression was hard as she met my gaze. “May I have a moment with her? I’ll be out in a minute.”
She looked fiercer than ever. Nodding, I sidestepped her and left the room.
On the quarterdeck, I found Milton waiting. He looked impatient, his shoulders tense beneath his shirtsleeves and his expression impassive. The moment he saw me, his eyes brightened. “Are you ready?”
That look had transformed his face into one of hope. Perhaps a deeper emotion, as well. It wasn’t one I was ready to face. Relieved at his businesslike attitude, I shook my head curtly. “Aludra will be with us in a moment.”
The light in Milton’s face faded. “Are you certain it’s wise to bring her? The fewer people on the continent, the less chance we have of being discovered by French forces.”
I crossed my arms. “She speaks better French than you do, and she isn’t with the British Navy. By that logic, you should stay behind.”
He said nothing as he held my gaze, pressing his lips together in a tight line. The tension between us snapped as he looked away. “I vowed to carry this through to make amends.”
“I thought you were doing this for me.”
He glanced at me from the corner of his eye. “I can do both. Perhaps it’s patronizing of me, but I fear for the lives of two women alone. Particularly two unarmed women.”
“Aludra has proven that she is never unarmed. Neither am I, if needed.” This time, I had tucked a pistol into my garter. I preferred a sword, but there was no place to hide one.
Aludra stepped onto the deck, somehow looking like a vengeful warrior while swathed in the latest French fashion. She stormed up to us. “I’m ready. Thank you for waiting.”
Her churlish expression notwithstanding, there was something in the set of her shoulders that told me this meant something to her as well. She had been spending a lot of time with Evelyn after the rescue. Perhaps she didn’t want to see Evelyn worried to death any more than I did. I caught Aludra’s eye, trying to express without words that we were in this together. We would find Caleb.
Her determined expression reminded me of how she’d cornered Milton. She had cared enough to speak her mind regarding my future. If I had to leave the ship, Aludra would make a fine captain. I nodded to her and led the way to the dinghy.