The morning classes were as monotonous as usual. The school cafeteria was crowded during the lunch break. We sat at a long table, sharing it with some freshmen.
Thomas was explaining his last forays on the web when he inadvertently emptied the contents of his soda on Beth’s new skirt; in the face of such clumsiness, Beth got hysterical and started screaming and almost throwing a fit. We were all laughing at the tremendous tantrum that my friend was throwing.
She could be very funny when she got angry. I loved her, even if she was a squawking madwoman at times. She always managed to make us smile. Even on days like this, when I was wallowing in apathy. Why was I so down? I didn’t want to admit it but my spirits would have been lifted just by seeing those blue eyes again.
Beth was cursing away, not caring that everyone in the cafeteria was looking at her.
“And you, what are you looking at?” she screamed to some poor freshmen watching us from a table in the corner; embarrassed at being part of the show, they grabbed their bags and left.
“You’re overreacting, you know,” I said, leaning against the back of the chair, unable to wipe the smile off my face. “Come on, calm down.”
“Calm down?! Calm down?! You’re going to pay for this, you stupid clumsy idiot!” she said looking at Thomas furiously pointing a threatening finger at him.
“I'm sorry.” he said for the eleventh time “God! How many times do I have to apologize? I didn’t mean to do it!” he sighed wearily.
“What?! You didn’t mean to do it?! Ah, like the slap I’m going to give you, then!”
“Stop it! That’s enough!” I stood up, grabbed her by the arm and led her outside. She was more than losing her cool.
“Let me go!” she snapped.
“No! At least until you calm down and I can be sure you won’t go back in there and carry on acting like a child in a kindergarten.” She looked at me in surprise. “What’s gotten into you? This isn’t funny any more. Poor Thomas was turning green. It's just a skirt, Beth. Is that such a big deal?”
The cold street cooled her down. She shook her hair and crossed her arms in front of me, still upset, but much calmer.
“Come on, tell me about it. This little show isn’t just about the skirt, is it?”
I knew her too well not to know that something was wrong. Something she hadn’t told me.
“No,” she admitted in a barely audible whisper. “My parents are going to split up.”
“I'm sorry,” I whispered. I didn’t know what to say.
Now I understood why she was being so dramatic. It was just an excuse to get her frustration out. It must have been very hard for Beth, who loved her parents. She was a bit rebellious, but she loved them a lot.
“They told me last night.” I nodded. I didn’t want to interrupt. She needed to say it and I was happy just listening. “We were having dinner, like always, and they announced it, just like that! Now I have to decide who I want to go to live with. Like it was which shirt I’m going to wear tomorrow! It isn’t possible, Stella ... It isn’t…” Her voice broke into a sob.
She collapsed. I hugged her hard against my chest. I was taller than her. She hid her face on my shoulder and burst into tears.
I didn’t say anything. I knew that nothing I could say would make her feel better. I just stroked her back, gently, letting her get it all out in her own time. It broke my heart to see her like that. Were Beth's parents aware of the harm they were causing their daughter?
I wasn’t one to judge them, or anyone, but seeing my friend like this I knew it wasn’t fair.
I hadn’t been through a divorce, but losing my father was the hardest thing that had ever happened to me, and I was sure that Beth felt as helpless as I did. No one had asked for her opinion, ripping out a part of her life. And now she had to choose between both parents. What child can decide which parent to reject?
The sobs died away. Beth pulled away from me, wiping her tears away with the sleeve of her sweater.
“Not a word to anyone, okay?”
“Of course not. You’ll tell them yourself. If you want to.”
“Not now.” Her voice was desperate. “I can’t believe this is happening. I still feel like I have to wake up from this nightmare.”
“I know what you mean. I felt the same when the police came to my house to tell us my father had been in an accident and...” I struggled to get out the words “was dead.” I felt the pressure of sadness in my throat.
Beth looked at me with bloodshot eyes.
“This life sucks.”
“It sure does.”
She opened her bag, took out a small mirror and looked into it.
“I look horrible.”
“Yes,” I agreed. “You look horrible.”
A hint of a smile appeared on her lips.
“Let’s go to the bathroom to fix me up.”
I followed her. She looked shattered; weak and fragile, like a twig broken by the wind. We were walking in silence when Daniel appeared at the end of the corridor.
“Beth! Hey, Beth!” he shouted in the distance.
“Oh, no! I don’t want him to see me looking like this.” She took my hand and started running down the hall. We got to the bathroom before he could reach us.
The poor guy was stunned, staring, bewildered. He stood there, watching us scurrying into the bathroom without saying a word.
“I don’t think he’ll ever speak to you again after this!” I giggled once we were inside.
Beth was also in a better mood. Our little jog had done us both good.
“Don’t worry,” she replied, making herself up. “I’ve got him eating out of my hand.”
“But now he’ll think you're crazy.”
Beth turned and looked at me mischievously.
“I bet you that when we get out he’ll be waiting for me.”
“I don’t know. I feel a bit sorry for him.”
“So what? Let him suffer!”
“You're so cruel!” I exclaimed, tickling her.
“Yeah, that’s why I get the guys,” she said, full of herself. “You're too soft. Play hard to get! Why make their job easier for them?”
Even though I wasn’t sure what game Beth was playing with Daniel, she was right. She always got what she wanted from boys, but I didn’t. I just couldn’t bring myself to manipulate people so coldly. I worried about other people's feelings too much to make someone suffer unnecessarily. Well, so far, no guy had been interested enough in me to make me think about how to seduce him. I would just be myself, for better or worse.
“How’s that? Better?” she asked, turning to face me.
I looked at her. You’d never have known that she’d been crying. Her skin looked velvety again.
“How do you do it?” I asked admiringly. “A moment ago you looked awful and now, look, you're fabulous.”
“Genetics,” she said proudly.
“You're nuts. You know that, don’t you?” I said, ruffling her hair.
“Yes, but no more than you,” she replied, sticking out a mocking tongue.
We left the bathroom smiling. I looked for Daniel, and sure enough, Beth was right, there he was. Leaning against the wall, waiting. He straightened up when he saw us and stood in front of us.
“Hello,” he said to us both, turning quickly to Beth. “I was looking for you.”
A pang of remorse hit my stomach. Did he realize that my friend was just toying with him?
“I’ll leave you two to it. I'm going to see how Thomas is doing,” I said.
Without waiting for an answer that I knew wouldn’t come, I went back to the cafeteria.
The table we’d been sitting at was empty. Like the rest of the room. I looked at the clock on the wall and then I realized how late it was. I turned around, ready to fly off to my next class, when I bumped headlong into someone.
“Sorry.” said a sweet voice that made my heart run wild. “Are you okay?”
Was I ok? I screamed to myself. I was
better than ‘ok’. Although my nose was throbbing with pain from bumping into him, I didn’t care. I wouldn’t have minded having my nose broken just to be this close to him.
The angel of my dreams had materialized before me and I felt strangely dazed by my good luck.
He looked at me, waiting for an answer. His eyes drilled holes into mine.
“Yes, I'm fine,” I quavered. “It was my fault... I... I was turning the corner, and...” I couldn’t think, I couldn’t talk coherently, I could only stare dumbly at him. At his face, his eyes, his mouth, his hair.
It was the stranger from yesterday…
“Please don’t apologize, it was my fault. I was looking at my cell phone and I didn’t see you.”
Sure. He hadn’t seen me. As always happens with men. As a rule, guys never ‘saw me’. A wave of disappointment washed over me completely. What did I expect; that he was following me around, hoping to meet me?
I was definitely stupid. I continued hurling insults at myself mentally, while he looked at me suspiciously.
“You’re sure you're okay?” he insisted, his eyes scanning my face. He seemed to be trying to find some sign of sanity on it.
What did he care whether I was ok or not, if he hadn’t even seen me? My disappointment turned unexpectedly to anger.
“Perfectly,” I assured him.
I started walking towards the exit, hiding the tears of disappointment that were threatening to ruin the moment.
“Let me go with you, anyway.” I heard his voice behind me, and I turned quickly, ready to say no.
I didn’t expect to have him so close again. I could almost feel his breath on my face. I was looking into his beautiful blue eyes like a fool.
My anger vanished completely. My body was so close to his, begging me to touch him. “Just a little closer,” I thought. I enjoyed the sight of his rosy lips as they began to curve into a faint smile. Then, as if someone had emptied a jug of cold water over my head, I reacted.
He was delighted. He seemed to be enjoying my bewilderment. The handsome guy that drives them all crazy with just one look. I recoiled at the idea. It was silly, I knew, but I still had some dignity left.
“Do you mind?” I exclaimed, waving him aside.
“Excuse me?”
“Why so close? You don’t calculate distances too well, do you?” I snapped, raising my hand and placing it on his chest, in a desperate attempt to get him away from me.
I didn’t expect what I felt then. My skin burned just by touching him, as if there was fire under my fingers. I swallowed hard, trying to calm down and hide my feeling of suffocation.
“If it bothers you so much, I’ll go,” he said, raising an eyebrow and smiling mischievously, as he moved a step back, leaving my hand hanging.
I felt the absence of his touch on my skin.
“You should learn to respect other people’s personal space.” My lips were trembling slightly.
I wanted to look more offended than happy, which was what I was really feeling about this chance encounter, but I completely lost my composure when my eyes met his cold, sea-blue eyes, which were watching me intently. My face, the mirror of the soul, gave me away completely. I had to get out of there. I’d been ridiculous enough already today. I started awkwardly down the hall, walking faster as I felt his icy gaze on my back.
Thousands of butterflies in my stomach were fluttering uncontrollably, thanks to our accidental - and eventful - encounter. I had a stupid smile on my face for the rest of the day.
I spent the afternoon reliving it again and again, each and every one of the words, gestures and glances that I’d shared with my own private angel.
Beth tried unsuccessfully to find out what was going on, but I managed to distract her by asking about Daniel and their meeting.
I spent the whole day floating on air, oblivious to what was happening around me. I had no doubt that it might well qualify as the best day of my life, as life rarely allows you to have the dream of a lifetime at your fingertips, literally.
I found myself fantasizing about it on the way home. The way he looked at me had me enthralled. There was something tremendously attractive about him. I lost my reason when I looked into his eyes. Who was he? We hadn’t even introduced ourselves. Was he a new student? Maybe, but it was strange that I hadn’t seen him in class, at least it was clear he wasn’t in my class. Such a hot guy wouldn’t have gone unnoticed. He spoke with a strange accent. He spoke well, but there was something different about it that I couldn’t identify. Could he be an exchange student?
My mind was working overtime. I could see him as the prince in a medieval novel. Valiant, strong, lean, on his trusty steed, galloping against the wind swiftly towards me. Too good to be true, one of those princes that don’t exist. In addition, the problem was mainly that I didn’t fit at all in the role of the princess.
I rolled my eyes. Why was I imagining things like that? It was impossible for him to notice me. In fact that day he’d made it clear. He bumped into me because he hadn’t even seen me. That was normal, I was invisible to him like I was to all other guys and he wasn’t interested in me, no matter what my feverish mind wanted me to believe.
The phone rang in the middle of my daydream, startling me with its shrill melody. It was Mr. Benet. The job interview had been put off till tomorrow. Perfect. I didn’t have the head for it anyway, so I retraced my steps and walked slowly toward my house.
There I found Nicole sitting watching television, although she wasn’t paying attention to it, leafing through a fat book she had on her lap.
“Why turn on the TV if you’re not going to watch it?” I grinned.
“Hello, darling.” she smiled. “Turn it off if you want.”
“What’s so interesting?” I asked, walking over to the couch and sitting down beside her, dumping my bag on the floor.
My mother handed me the book. I read the title, or at least I tried.
“Mom, this is in German.” I complained, picking the book up. “Why do you want a book you can’t read?”
She shone, like a child with new shoes, caressing the cover of the book with reverence. It wasn’t just a book.
“This was your dad’s favorite book. It went everywhere with him.”
“I understand, but why did you buy it in German?” That was what I didn’t understand.
“Because that’s how he read it for the first time.” There was sadness in her voice. “He always used to talk about this book.”
“But you can’t read it.” I didn’t want to rain on her parade, but it didn’t make sense to buy a book in a language you don’t know.
There was a twinkle in her eyes. It always appeared when she remembered Carl. She looked radiant, beautiful. She was forty and small wrinkles had started to appear on her skin; of course she denied they were there. The cycle of life: my mother wasn’t so young anymore and I wasn’t a child.
“Tell me.” I insisted. I knew there was a hidden story behind the book and, if it was about dad, I was hoping to hear it.
She looked at me sweetly and began to speak.
“I don’t want this book so I can read it. It’s a tribute to your father. Not only did he read it, but he was also the author. He wrote it.” She went quiet, waiting for my reaction, which came straight away.
“Dad wrote a book?” Disbelief was written all over my face. I didn’t bother to hide it.
“Yes, the one you have in your hands right now.”
“Why didn’t you tell me before? Why didn’t he tell me?”
“Because he never published it.” she said taking the book from my hands. “Dad always said it wasn’t a very good story and absolutely refused every time I hinted at the possibility of taking it to a publisher. According to him, they were only jottings, a diary.”
“But I don’t understand. Why make such an effort for nothing?” I knew nothing at all about that side of Carl.
He was a born fighter. He always repeated, over and over again: “Loo
k for a goal in life and fight to achieve it. Make your dreams come true.” He constantly encouraged me to pursue my dreams and after all that he hadn’t fought for his. I was slightly disappointed.
“Well, not for nothing.” My mother went on. “He always felt capable of doing it. The mere fact that he finished the book was already quite an achievement for him. Your father never needed the recognition of others.”
“But eventually it got published.”
“No, this is the only copy.” My mother chuckled at the astonishment on my face. “I sent it for binding six months ago.” She continued with her explanation when she saw my face. “When your father lived in Germany he had a journalist friend he hadn’t seen for years. I called him when dad died. That was all the contact I had with Markus. But a few months ago he called me and told me that they’d sent him here, to Vancouver, as a correspondent, and he’d love to meet me and have a drink.”
Nicole dating a man? That seemed quite impossible.
“I didn’t accept his invitation.” she went on, without giving me the chance to ask.
It already seemed strange to me that my mother had gone out with a man. As she said, Carl had been the love of her life and even he was gone it didn’t mean she’d stopped loving him.
“I talked about this book and he kindly offered to meet all the costs of printing and binding.” She was lost in thought for a moment. “It was a very nice touch on his part. He loved your father very much.”
I wanted to relieve the tension. I saw that Nicole was beginning to crumble.
“That Markus seems nice, right? Maybe you should reconsider his invitation.”
“No! He might take it the wrong way. I’m grateful for what he’s done, but that’s it,” she said, though I could see her cheeks reddening and her eyes beginning to shine.
“It's beautiful.” I said, looking at the book. “It’s a pity Dad didn’t teach me German. I’d love to read it.”
“Yes, but now I’ve fulfilled his wishes and mine as well.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I managed to get the book bound and printed, as it deserves to be. But nobody will read it. Not you, not me. Just as he wanted it.”
I was amazed at the romanticism in my mom’s words. After two years without Carl, she’d taken into consideration what his wish would have been. I felt very emotional. Very few people could boast of having found the love of their lives and lived a story like Nicole and Carl’s.
I still remember the day by the lake when my father told me how they’d met. He’d just arrived from Germany. His parents had sent him to the United States to study. He was only eighteen when he emigrated.
My mother was a little younger. She was sixteen when they met. It was an autumn afternoon, one of those when the sky turns orange and purple. Carl was visiting some acquaintances, by chance relatives of Nicole’s, and then she appeared in the small dining room. My father told me that his heart skipped a beat when he saw that beautiful creature with gray eyes staring at him with her innocent smile and her rosy cheeks. From that day on they were inseparable. Until one cold winter afternoon, when they were having a hot chocolate, Carl plucked up the courage to ask her to marry him and Nicole very happily agreed. She loved him as much as he loved her.
On more than one occasion my father told me that “the heart has reasons that reason doesn’t know”. I hadn’t realized how true his words were until now.
“Are you okay?” my mother asked, looking at me with concern, stroking my arm.
“Yes, I was remembering Dad... I miss him so much.”
“I miss him too, darling. You don’t know how much I miss him.” she whispered, giving me a hug.
Night fell with the two of us huddled on the sofa, wrapped up in our little corner of happy memories. My little corner had more recent memories; thanks to the most beautiful eyes I’d ever seen. Nicole’s memories, I guessed, were more distant.
“Are you hungry?” Her voice sounded like a distant echo.
“What time is it?” I looked at my wristwatch. “Oh my God! It’s so late!”
I ran upstairs, dragging my backpack behind me, while Nicole headed to the kitchen to make dinner. Now it was my turn to stay up all night, after spending most of the afternoon wallowing in my fantasies.
I heard my mother bustling about in the kitchen while I was trying to concentrate on the chart I had in front of me, the Krebs cycle, for my Biology project. I had to force myself to stop imagining those turquoise eyes instead of glucose molecules and enzymes. This was getting worrying. I closed my eyes, squeezing the bridge of my nose with two fingers.
What was happening to me?
“Honey, dinner’s ready!” Nicole cried from the foot of the stairs.
“Coming!” I replied, standing up slowly. I’d finished, at last. It wasn’t my best work, that was clear, but it was certainly the one that had made me use up the most energy. I was exhausted because of the internal struggle I’d fought in a vain attempt to stop thinking about him.
The alarm rang shrilly and I woke up from the best dream ever. I cursed the damn clock.
After a quick shower, I went down to have breakfast, but Nicole was not alone. Beth was sitting opposite her.
“Beth! What are you doing here?”
“Well that’s a nice way to say 'good morning’!” she said, turning to look at me.
“Hello, ugly.” I went to her chair and began to ruffle her perfectly straightened hair. I knew that would make her lose her cool.
“Hey! You wanna cut that out?!” She began to straighten her hair and added, turning to my mother, “Why does your daughter love to ruin my day? How do you put up with her?!”
My mother and I burst out laughing.
“Now be honest.” I crammed a spoonful of cereal into my mouth. “What are you doing here so early?”
Nicole was getting ready to go to work and we were alone in the kitchen.
“Last night my mother left home.” she was twiddling her fingers, avoiding my eyes.
“How are you doing?” I said, resting my hand on hers.
“I don’t know. I feel weird.” she shrugged. “I want to scream, cry, to break things, but I can’t do anything. That's why I came here; I couldn’t stand being at home. My father doesn’t deserve this.”
Her lower lip trembled. She began to nibble at it, trying to hold back the tears that were beginning to well up in her eyes.
“I'm glad you came.” she looked at me for the first time and I knew she’d had a bad night. Purple shadows framed her eyes. I was sad to see her that way.
Beth looked strong, like she wasn’t suffering. She’d always been cheerful, perfect, and now she was here, sitting in my kitchen, making an effort to gather up and rebuild the bits that remained of her life. I saw in her eyes that she wouldn’t tell me any more. It seemed right, and I wasn’t going to force her just to satisfy my curiosity. I thought it best to distract her a little, even at the risk of my own personal safety.
“Why don’t you fix this disaster of a hairdo?” She looked at me like she didn’t understand. “Look, it’s all curled up and I’ve just dried it. I'm a mess.”
A hint of a smile appeared on her blank face.
“You're right. You look terrible.”
I smiled with relief. That was my Beth.
My day at school seemed like it would never end. I couldn’t see my angel anywhere, and just to round things off, Daniel was as sweet as could be with my friend. I sighed with relief when we finished classes.
I had to go to my first job interview.
ANGEL OR DEMON
“When you fear someone it is because you have given them power over you.”
Hermann Hesse
Double Moon Page 4