The bay was buzzing when I arrived. It was just after five in the afternoon. Jeff and Angie had taken me to the harbor and had almost carried me onto the ferry to make sure I was on my way home. They said goodbye with a handshake and wished me luck.
When I arrived in Vancouver, Nicole was waiting at the pier. Erik had pushed me hard to call my mother to pick me up. He didn’t want me to be alone for a moment; he wouldn’t even let me call a taxi. He didn’t realize that by taking these precautions he was just scaring me even more.
“Stella, sweetheart!”
Nicole ran towards me waving her hand with happiness. I started running towards her, my eyes clouded with tears. It had been a good idea for her to pick me up. It was comforting to see my mother.
“My girl, you're finally here. You have no idea what I’ve been through. Don’t ever do that again!” she sobbed, pulling away from my embrace to look at me. “Sweetheart, are you okay? You don’t look so good. It must have been very hard for Erik, right?”
For a moment I didn’t know what she was talking about. Then I remembered the story I’d invented to explain why I’d disappeared. I was supposed to be coming back from a funeral. I made my face and voice match what my mother would expect.
“Yes, mom, it was horrible.”
The car ride was pleasant. It felt much better being back at home, with Nicole and back to my life in general. Now it all seemed like a bad dream. I just needed Erik to make it perfect. ‘It’s just for a couple of days,’ I reminded myself, trying not falling apart at the thought of the distance between us.
“Do you want to stop to grab a bite to eat?”
“No mom, I'm tired. I’d rather go home,” I replied.
“All right dear, we’ll go home. By the way, I want you to know that right now I’m not going to punish you or lecture you. Just one look at you made me all but forget how angry I was.” I tried to speak but Nicole didn’t let me, carrying on with her motherly sermon. “But I hope you realize that this isn’t going to end here. You're older now, so you’re going to have to start taking responsibility for your actions and their consequences.”
“Thank God you weren’t going to lecture me,” I sighed, stroking my forehead to relieve my tiredness.
“All right, we’ll leave it for now, but you need to know this conversation is still open. You don’t get do what you please. That's not how things work in this family.” She sounded like a judge passing sentence.
I was about to answer but I chose not to. Right then, biting my tongue was the best thing I could do. Besides, the more I talked, the easier it would be for Nicole to poke holes in my little story. I looked at her pleadingly, pouting until I saw a weak smile. After a few moments, which seemed to go on forever, she reached out her hand and squeezed mine, to show she understood. It was then that I realized how much I’d missed her.
“Thanks, mom,” I said, leaning over to kiss her on the cheek.
“I'm glad you're finally here. I’ve been so worried. You didn’t call and... It doesn’t matter; you're here now.” I knew from her voice that it hadn’t been easy for her. “By the way, how’s Erik doing?”
“Pretty bad, but it's a matter of time. He’ll be back in two or three days, when all the paperwork is done and his family’s got over it.” I yawned on purpose, exaggerating a little. “I’m so tired; I think I'll take a nap.” I didn’t want her to keep on digging, so I thought it better to pretend that I was sleepy.
I leaned my head back against my seat and closed my eyes. I must have been convincing because Nicole didn’t say anything at all for the rest of the journey, letting me rest.
The warm shower was great. I was at home in my room again, in my old pajamas, but looking at everything with new eyes.
I’d always grumbled about the furniture in my room. It was old, but now I loved it. It was great to be lying on my squeaky bed, wrapped in my faded blue quilt.
I slid out of bed. Falling asleep was mission impossible. I went up to the mirror, an antique that I really liked. It was oval, framed in wrought iron and with strange silhouetted adornments that I used as a hanger. I ran my hand over the reflection in the glass. Nicole was right. I looked terrible. Two purple shadows darkened my eyes and my face was extremely pale. I needed to rest. I’d gone over the limit and now it was taking its toll.
My cell phone rang, wrenching me away from my thoughts.
I rummaged among the million things I had in my backpack, the ringtone jangling my nerves more and more. ‘At last,’ I thought when my fingers found it. I took it out quickly, answering without looking at who was calling.
“Hello?”
“Hi.”
My heart began to pound. Butterflies fluttered in my stomach when I heard the voice of the only person who could make me react like that.
“I just called to say good night and make sure you got back safely.” His sweet, lilting voice filled me with happiness.
“I’m fine now,” I said, thinking out loud.
I heard a laugh at the other end of the line and I could imagine his face lit up with a smile.
“I miss you. Have a good night, gorgeous.”
Something in his voice bothered me, although I didn’t know exactly what.
“I miss you too. Will I see you in two days?”
“Sure,” he said flatly. “Goodnight my love.”
“I love you,” I breathed.
I was even surer that something was wrong.
“I know.” I could hear that his breathing was as irregular as mine. “I love you too, don’t forget it. Goodbye.”
“Goodbye,” I whispered, falling apart.
I looked like an idiot with the phone to my ear and no one at the other end. I couldn’t work out what the call meant. That wasn’t his usual voice. Something or someone was tormenting him. His tone was too sad and dead. It was as if he’d called to say... goodbye.
The thought struck me. I threw the phone as far away as I could. Erik had deceived me; he wasn’t coming back. I curled up in bed, seized by an overwhelming sadness.
I cried and cried. I didn’t understand why losing Erik was so real to me. I was only going by the tone of his voice; he hadn’t said anything to lead me to that conclusion. I was probably wrong. It was just a feeling. A premonition. I rubbed my tear-filled eyes. I was getting paranoid.
That night my sleep was interrupted again by a weird, disturbing dream.
I was on a mountaintop. I couldn’t see anything around me; I felt the June breeze caressing my skin. I closed my eyes, enjoying the warmth of the sun. I was calm, relaxed, at peace.
Suddenly the sun darkened and a sky full of clouds obscured the sunlight. The wind turned icy. I was shivering. Small snowflakes began to cover the ground like a soft blanket. I could feel my feet freezing. I looked down and I saw I wasn’t wearing any shoes. My feet were bare, soaked under a layer of increasingly dense snow.
I wanted to get out of there, run to get warm, but I couldn’t. The snow gripped my ankles. Twinges of pain pierced my skin, like sharp blades of ice. I looked at my paralyzed legs. The snow was up to my calves.
I started screaming in desperation. Heaven answered. The thick clouds took the form of two eyes, staring down at me from a corner of the sky. They were cold, like the snow that was still falling and was now up to my waist. I surrendered to those eyes without a face. My angel’s eyes.
My weakening body began to relax, allowing the cold to win the battle. It was freezing me, leaving me motionless, inert and empty.
I woke up gasping and sweating, trapped between the sheets that barely left me room to move. I kicked out at them anxiously, struggling to get rid of them, trying to escape from my nightmare.
I sat on the edge of the bed trying to breathe normally again, inhaling and exhaling deeply. I took the MP3 from my nightstand and turned it on and let the music flow, blasting into my dulled ears. Despite all my efforts, tiredness overcame my will and made me close my eyes.
I woke up at dawn. I w
as less tired, but had a bad headache. Luckily, I didn’t have the dream again.
I went straight to the bathroom. My eyes were sunken into two dark circles; my hair was plastered to my forehead with sweat. I turned on the shower and let the warm water slip over my body. I tilted my head back and I felt the water on my face. A cloud of steam filled the bathroom when I got out.
I left the bathroom without bothering to clean the mirror, which was steamed up from too much heat. I didn’t feel like seeing my gaunt reflection again. I doubted I looked any better. I dressed slowly and as it was too early to go down to breakfast, I sat down to wait on my bed, leafing through a book with a title I didn’t even recognize.
I looked at the clock. It had been more than an hour.
I trudged down the stairs into the kitchen. Nicole hadn’t woken up, but she would any minute now. I decided to make breakfast for two so I could keep busy. I took a few slices of bread and put them in the toaster. I filled two cups of milk and put them in the microwave.
I sat on the kitchen chair to wait; fiddling with a piece of slightly ripped chair cover.
“What’s that smell?”
My mother’s voice startled me. I jumped in my chair and stared at her, wide-eyed. How long had I been sitting there?
I was completely gone. I hadn’t even realized that the toast was burnt and that smoke had filled the whole kitchen. The cups of milk hadn’t fared any better. They’d overflowed inside the microwave.
“Shit!” I muttered, rising from the chair.
I opened the oven and picked up the cups without thinking, while Nicole threw the toast into the bin. When I burnt my fingertips I dropped the cups as a reflex action; they fell to the floor and were smashed to smithereens, just as I was.
I couldn’t stand it any more and burst into tears of rage and impotence. I covered my face with my hands in a vain attempt to hide my pitiful emotional state from my mother.
“Calm down, dear. It’s just a couple of cups.”
But my tears didn’t stop; instead, they flowed even more.
“Stella, what's wrong? You're scaring me” Nicole said as she hugged me, stroking my hair gently. “This isn’t about the breakfast, is it?”
“No,” I sobbed.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
I shook my head. I couldn’t even if I wanted to, and I didn’t want to lie to her again. I ran my hand over my face and wiped my tears away. Nicole kept hugging me until the tears had gone.
“Better?”
“Yeah,” I sniffled.
“Well, sit back down and don’t worry about a thing, I’ll make breakfast. Things will look better on a full stomach.”
Maybe my mother was right. I hadn’t eaten anything since the morning before. I was devastated and all because of a mere premonition.
We had breakfast in silence.
I grabbed my jacket, ready to get out of there in search of fresh air for my skin and my head; I was too boxed-in to think clearly. I said goodbye to my mother with a kiss and went out.
“Can I give you a ride?”
The bike was parked at the corner of my house, a dazzling red thanks to the sunlight. Luke leant on it, casually. He was twiddling the keys while he looked at me.
“Where’s Erik?” I asked after I’d got over the initial shock.
If Luke was here, that meant that Erik had come back too. Hope shone in my mind like a blinding light. For a moment, I found I could breathe normally.
“Erik, Erik, always the same old song. Don’t you realize you come out winning from the exchange?” he said, walking briskly up to me.
I stared at him in amazement. His slender, graceful body came closer; a smile drawn on his handsome face, one of those smiles I both loved and hated at the same time.
“Luke, can you tell me what the hell you’re talking about? And stop grinning like an idiot, please.”
“This is obviously going to be harder than I expected,” he said, standing right in front of me.
In one quick motion, he took my bag and slung it over his shoulder. I didn’t complain. I was completely taken aback. I didn’t want to hear what Luke was about to say.
“Erik isn’t coming back,” he spat.
His words tore at my heart and left it in tatters, bleeding painfully in my chest.
The tears in my eyes clouded my vision. I shivered in spite of the warm sun on my skin.
I started to shake.
“Why?” I whispered, my voice breaking with anguish.
“Because it was best for both of you.”
“But he promised me...” My voice choked on a sob.
“Yeah, he didn’t want to. It was hard to convince him to go to the meeting. Luckily, Erik is more responsible than you are and he listened to me,” he said with an air of superiority. “The problem is he won’t manage to convince them of anything because they already know everything.”
“You... are... You're a traitor! A coward! And... I HATE YOU!” I screamed, hitting his chest with my fists, but he didn’t flinch. With a quick move, he grabbed my wrists and held them so I couldn’t move.
“You can insult me all you want, I don’t care. I just put things in their place. Now everything is where it should be. You’re here with your routine human life, and he’s in... Don’t worry where Erik is. He´ll never come back or ever be the same again.” He looked at his watch and I heard his voice fading, almost like a distant echo. “Right now his mind will be all nice and clean. So you’d better get used to the idea. Your Erik isn’t coming back. Ever.”
He scanned my face for some kind of reaction. There wasn’t one.
I didn’t react. I was shivering as if I had a fever. My mind was blank and my eyes were fixed on the specter of my angel, my love.
Life had no meaning for me without Erik.
My chest gave way to a crushing pressure which wouldn’t let me breathe. The little air I managed to get burned in my lungs. My stomach was churning, making me feel like retching. A bead of sweat ran down my back and I was shaking like a leaf
It wasn’t possible... No, not again.
Would I be able to bear this intense pain tearing at my insides at the thought of losing the person I loved most in this world? Would I survive now that all my hopes and dreams had been trampled on and destroyed?
I’d already experienced this lacerating pain when my father had left us forever. I couldn’t stand it again. No, not now. Because now it was different. I’d had the chance of making my dearest dream come true at my fingertips... Not any more. I’d had my only reason for living taken from me. Tears welled up in my eyes and streamed down my cheeks; I couldn’t even see Luke.
I tried to speak, shout, asking him not to do it, pleading with him to return my angel to me. But the words were stuck, anchored between my chest and my throat. I was drowning. Becoming an echo of my pain, my anguish, my fear.
Fear because I would never see Erik again. Fear because I would never feel his fingers caressing my skin gently again. Fear because I’d lost him forever. Fear because I’d lost myself when I lost him, plunged into an endless circle of pain and anguish.
Everything went dark around me and there was nothing left. I drowned in a deep, murky sea.
I didn’t know how many days had passed without me noticing. Time had stopped for me, like my heart. I felt nothing. My mind was completely blocked.
I didn’t think, I didn’t eat, I didn’t speak, I didn’t dream. I didn’t even cry.
I heard whispers around me, but I was oblivious to the people who were whispering. I didn’t want to see anyone. I just wanted to be alone, wallowing in my pain, like a pig in the mud.
I had no strength to fight against the dark fate that was hanging over me. I was tired, hurt, weak, shattered. It was a living death. And so the days passed me by, as if life had stopped for me.
Then something was triggered inside me. It was time to decide. Whether I should live or die. I couldn’t go on being one of the living dead any more. An
d if Erik had risked everything for me so I could survive, I had to make sure that his sacrifice hadn’t been in vain. So I slowly started to emerge from the dark tunnel that my life had become.
I managed to sleep after many days of being submerged in a sort of disturbed unconsciousness.
The healing powers of sleep gave me the strength to face my decision.
I was torn apart by losing Erik, but I had to be strong and face life.
I woke up in my bed, totally disoriented. I just remembered a voice and those painful words echoed in my head over and over again. ‘Erik isn’t coming back.’
Someone was banging on my bedroom door. I was surprised when Luke appeared and stood in the doorway. “So; you’re awake at last, Sleeping Beauty,” he greeted me, coming into my room as if he’d been doing it his whole life.
He grabbed the chair I used to put my old clothes on and sat beside the bed, his body leaning forward so that his face was a few inches from mine.
The strength of his blue-green gaze paralyzed me, my face dangerously close to his.
“This time I was really worried. Don’t ever do it again.” I had no idea what he was talking about.
I’d stopped breathing and my eyes began to blur. Suddenly he looked away and freed me from his gaze. I blinked several times, leaning back and resting against the wall. I didn’t want to be so close to him.
“You're a traitor. I don’t care if you are worried about me, worry yourself to death for all I care, knock yourself out!” I felt much better now that I was releasing some of the anger I felt towards him.
How did he have the gall to stay around after what he’d done to me and Erik?
“Well, it shouldn’t be like that,” he said, leaning back and lounging. “At least you could thank me for coming to tell you.”
“You’re right. Thanks for ruining my life,” I growled. “So. Now you can go and don’t bother coming back.”
To my astonishment, he sat on the edge of the bed. I pulled my legs up to my chest in a futile attempt to get away from him.
“You’re welcome. It’s been a pleasure,” he whispered, making my body shiver from head to toe as he spoke.
“I know what you're doing,” I muttered in a small voice.
“Oh, really?” His voice was sensual, provocative, hypnotic.
I felt confused and dizzy. I needed to regain control of my faculties or eventually I’d give in to him. I shut my eyes tight and covered my ears with my hands. I heard him laughing and the small room was filled with its booming. I was free again. I sighed in relief.
“What's so funny?” I asked in annoyance without opening my eyes. I didn’t want to see him, he reminded me too much of someone I didn’t want to remember.
“You're funny. Comical, in fact. Do you think that closing your eyes would do you any good if I really wanted you to give in to my charms? Kid, you’re so naive!” he smiled.
I opened my eyes and looked at him with all the hate and bitterness that I could. He stopped smiling and suddenly looked serious. Keeping himself under control.
“Don’t look at me like that, I'm not a monster. I won’t force you to do anything. I was just playing around a little. I like it when you look at me like you did a few moments ago.”
“I hate you.”
“I know, but that’s better than nothing. As they say, it’s a thin line between love and hate, so I imagine that the opposite is also true, don’t you think?”
“I’d die first,” I snapped angrily.
“We’ll see about that.”
He stood up, scaring me again.
“I'm going, but I'll be around, in case you change your mind.”
He went out, leaving me with my words stuck in my throat. What did he think he was playing at? He’d destroyed my life, deceived his brother and me, he’d separated us forever... And he was still expecting something from me? It was amazing. All I wanted was never to see him again.
Nicole came in with her phone in her hand.
“Hi, sweetheart. How are you today?”
“I feel better, mom.”
I saw a twinkle in her eyes. She seemed pleased, though her weariness showed on her face. It must have been torture for her to see me like that.
“Has your friend left?” she asked, trying to start a conversation, as if she was afraid that when I stopped talking I’d go back to sleep.
“He’s not my friend and yes, he's gone.” I decided to change the topic. Mom, how long I have been in bed? “
My whole body ached as if I’d taken a beating.
“Almost a month.”
“What?!” I jumped up and felt myself stagger; the floor seemed to be getting further and further away.
“Calm down, it’s over... You’re better now, and that’s what matters. Do you want something to eat?” My mother's voice was soft, but there was a lot of fear in among the calmness.
“Mom, aren’t you going to ask me what happened?” It was weird my mother reacting so naturally to my situation.
“That boy Luke, he’s already told me everything.”
“Okay.” It was all I could say.
I panicked at the thought of what twisted version of events Luke had told Nicole, but I decided not to ask her. It hurt too much, even a sanitized version of what happened made my stomach churn.
“Well, I'll make something to eat. Take a bath, it’ll help you feel better,” she said, kissing my forehead.
After I’d showered, I went to my room, wrapped in my bathrobe, smelling of soap and flowers. My face was covered by the towel I’d used to dry my hair before untangling it. A memory struck my mind, something he’d said about the smell of my hair. The sharp pain was so intense I had to hold on to the wall to avoid falling.
“Hi,” I heard someone say while I was recovering from my wrenching inner pain.
The towel fell from my hands. Beth was sitting on the edge of my bed with her legs crossed, swinging them slowly, leaning her arms back on the mattress.
“You gave me the fright of my life!” I blurted, putting my hand on my chest, trying to get the beating of what used to be my heart back to normal.
“I doubt I can make it any worse. Have you seen yourself in the mirror?” she said, looking genuinely worried.
“Yes, and I can tell you now, I look better now than I did an hour ago.”
She wrinkled her nose in disgust. She patted the bed and told me to sit down beside her. I sat straight, with my hands on my knees, not knowing what to do. I knew what was coming then, a speech of hers that I didn’t want to hear. ‘I told you, you shouldn’t trust him, he was a man, just like all the others... blah, blah, blah.’
I was wrong.
Beth said nothing; she just hugged me tightly, melting into me, sharing her energy with me. It was the last thing I expected, knowing her as I did, but nothing could have felt better right then than her warm embrace. For the first time in a long time I felt pretty good.
“I'm glad you're back,” she whispered tearfully, kissing my cheek.
“Thank you.” It was all I could say as I collapsed into her arms.
“Would you like some advice?” she asked after a while. I was crying and she was holding me tight, comforting me.
“No,” I replied, trying not very successfully to smile.
She pulled away a little but kept my hands in hers.
“No man is worth this suffering.”
“Erik isn’t like other men,” I sighed
Beth couldn’t have any idea of how different Erik was from all the other boys she’d ever known.
“Yes, of course,” She waved her hands in dismissal. “Until you meet a new “Erik” better than this one. And you will. Trust me.”
How could I explain that he wasn’t with me because he was trying to save my life? There was no way anyone could understand that. Even I didn’t understand it; I was simply resigned to it.
There was nothing I could say to convince her Erik was different without revealing his secret.
I just knew he was irreplaceable. He was all the perfection of the universe concentrated in one person. Erik was unique and he wasn’t with me. He was gone.
I felt my heart had been crushed and mangled, as if a bulldozer was playing with it and had smashed it to pieces. Painful, heartbreaking pieces that pierced the depths of my being.
Beth read the pain on my face and hurried to talk about something else, to distract me from my sadness.
“I've brought you a lot of notes. You should catch up with your schoolwork, or you won’t graduate this year.”
She started pulling things out of her purse.
Graduation. I hadn’t thought about that for a long time. Since I met Erik, to be honest. I had to admit that in recent months all my attention had been focused on a pair of sky-blue eyes and an angel’s face. I shook my head trying to erase the vision from my mind. I had to get back to reality quickly.
Erik wasn’t there, but I was.
My future, unfortunately, once again became as predictable as the first day of class. I sank into the misery of my thoughts. I didn’t want any future that didn’t include him.
“Stella?!” She shook my shoulder gently. “Please come back from wherever you are.”
“I can’t, Beth,” I groaned and started to cry again. “I can’t,” I repeated between sobs.
“Come on, it’s over,” Beth replied stroking my back tenderly. “You'll get over it. It's just a matter of time. I’ll help you. I'm here. You’re not alone, okay?”
I nodded imperceptibly, wiping away my tears.
“You know what we should do? Let's take a walk; you need to get out of here. It’ll do you good, some sun and fresh air.”
I nodded again.
“Perfect, but first you need to wear something else. Or would you prefer to go out like that? You look real sexy,” she mocked.
I rolled my eyes, ignoring her. I couldn’t disagree with her, and her cheekiness was lightening my mood. Beth went through the clothes in my closet. She knew it as well as her own. We’d spent whole days trying on clothes again and again. She pulled out some jeans and a colorful striped jersey, too cheerful for my taste and humor. I wrinkled my nose in disapproval.
“I'd prefer something darker,” I objected.
“No way!” she said, throwing the clothes at me. “Have you heard about chromo therapy? They say orange gives off good vibes. And I’m in control here; you just go with the flow.”
She managed to make me smile. She was always in control.
“You're a witch,” I snapped.
“I’d rather you used the term ‘fairy godmother’, it’s more my style.” She twirled around, showing off in front of me.
I threw my robe at her face and she pretended to be angry for messing up her hair.
A pang of guilt struck me because of the hostility with which I’d treated her and anyone who’d dared to get close to me in recent weeks. Nicole, Beth, Megan, Thomas, even Luke, despite the fact that I didn’t owe him anything; they’d tried to throw me a lifeline, when I just wanted to drown allowing myself to be dragged through the darkness that had taken over my life.
Now something was changing. I was finally able to thank the efforts Beth was making for me. I decided to follow her advice. I was going to go with the flow today, and for the rest of my sad life.
APPARENT NORMALITY
“Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases great ones, as the wind extinguishes candles and fans fires.”
François de La Rochefoucauld
Double Moon Page 17