On the way we discussed whether to go back to the restaurant or not. Luke refused point blank, and in the end I agreed with him. We had to find a way to see Erik without his unwelcome friend.
We arrived at the small and apparently deserted house that the two brothers shared on the outskirts of the village. A shiver ran through my body when I saw it. Memories flooded back. It seemed impossible how everything had changed in just a few months.
Six months ago I’d been in this same place, feeling like the luckiest person in the world. My life then was full of beautiful colors. Now I could hardly remember those memories or that feeling of happiness. My life now was painted with a perpetual, monotonous, dull and dreary gray.
Erik had gone through my world like a fire, filling everything with light and color, but erasing the rest of my life in his path. So when he disappeared there was nothing more than loneliness and emptiness.
“We'll find him.” Luke’s silky voice wrenched me from my thoughts.
I was grateful to come back to reality and stop torturing myself.
“I hope so.”
He looked at me with sadness and resignation.
“Come on. Enough of that long face.”
It was getting dark. The sun, like a great incandescent light, was hidden behind the horizon, giving way to the moon. I wrapped myself in my own arms. I was only wearing a light dress and I began to feel the night-time damp soaking into me. Luke, in an unexpected gesture, put his jacket gently around my shoulders. I snuggled into it as we went towards the front door.
He opened the door, waving me inside. It was dark. I couldn’t see anything but, without knowing why, I felt that familiar energy. The same energy that had filled my life so long ago. Luke turned on the lights.
We were not alone.
I jumped back, frightened. Luke grabbed my arm and pulled me behind him, looking around for what had made me react like that. Someone was standing with his back to us, looking out of the window. I recognized him instantly.
It was Erik.
“Hello, Luke,” he said turning and showing us his beautiful face, while Luke greeted him coldly.
His shaggy, caramel hair and slender figure revealed him as the man of my sweetest dreams.
“Erik!” I shouted, trying to run to him.
Luke grabbed me tightly.
“Let me go! Damn, Luke, let me go!” I bellowed, kicking out as I tried to escape from his grip.
“Erik...” I repeated in a whisper, looking at him incredulously.
I searched his eyes. Surely they would tell me the truth. I sank into sadness when I saw that Luke wasn’t exaggerating. There was nothing in them. The sea ice was back with that cold and distant look. It wasn’t the blue sky I so loved to lose myself in. I made a superhuman effort to keep my composure and not completely lose it in front of him. I didn’t want him to suffer; even though I was unsure if he’d be willing to suffer for me right then.
“Who are you? Do we know each other?” he asked, more out of politeness than curiosity.
How could he say that? For God’s sake! How could he be so blind? What had they done to him? Luke was still tense, holding me tightly, not letting me move.
Erik was... No, Erik wasn’t there. I couldn’t find him in that expressionless face. But I knew that my sweet angel was hidden somewhere in there, in some dark corner.
“It's me, Stella.” I answered with a lump in my throat, pointing at myself with both hands. “Of course you know me. You know me very well, I assure you.”
He looked at me questioningly. I waited for his reaction as a stray sunbeam which had escaped from the evening light, lit up his hair and streaked it with gold.
He kept his gaze on me. Clearly he didn’t know what I was talking about. Then his sea-blue eyes shimmered subtly.
“Stella,” he repeated, as saying it to himself. Slowly, as if he was savoring each syllable of my name.
He looked down to look at the wooden slats that covered the floor. He frowned, looking like he was trying to remember something long absent.
“Erik, listen to me.” I turned to his twin and begged him. “Please, Luke, let me go. I'm fine, really I am.”
“I don’t know. I don’t like this. It could be a trap.” His face looked desperate. “What's he doing here? Has he come alone? No, there's something wrong.”
“Please, Luke, you promised. You promised to help me,” I whispered, sensing that my pleading was working. The pressure on my arms relaxed and he finally set me free.
I went up to Erik with faltering steps with my arms raised, as if he was a dog which might attack me, and I was trying to tame it.
I couldn’t help smiling when I saw the way he looked at me. Now he was the one who looked scared.
I stopped a couple of feet away. I looked at him, searching for the spark that I‘d seen moments before.
“We met in high school last semester,” I said. He still didn’t understand, I had to be more specific. “Do you remember the Shakespeare assignment we did together? ‘Doubt the stars are fire, doubt the sun doth move, doubt that the truth be a liar...’” I recited it from memory, but I didn’t have the strength to finish the poem, because I could feel that familiar lump in my throat.
It was getting to be more than I could bear. I felt the pressure on my chest choking me again.
“’But never doubt that I love.’” He finished it for me. His voice was a whisper and he didn’t look at me, but I’d heard him and his words gave me new life.
“Do you remember?” I asked hopefully.
“I don’t know what I’m supposed to remember, but those words sound familiar,” he said, clearly bewildered. “There’s something about you that confuses me. No... I can’t seem to think clearly. It’s weird,” he admitted, rubbing his forehead.
I could feel my heart pounding. I was right, his memories were still there. I just had to find them and bring them out and Erik would be my golden angel again.
Luke came over. He leaned over me.
“Let him be now. It’s too much for him and for you as well,” he whispered in my ear. “Give him some time. He needs to rest and explain to me what he’s doing here.”
“I live here.” Apparently he’d heard what we were whispering.
“Yeah, but why did you come back? I didn’t think you would. I thought you were being sent to Europe,” Luke asked suspiciously.
“I am. I just came to get my things. I’m leaving in a week. Meanwhile, I’m arranging the trip.” He didn’t look at me and he didn’t seem to care much about what I was doing there, as if he assumed I was involved with his brother or something. “If you don’t mind, I'll stay here for a few days.”
“No problem, this is your home.” Luke’s tone of voice didn’t match what he said.
I couldn’t stop looking at that face I’d missed so much. I wanted to hug him again, cover him with kisses, but I couldn’t. There was an invisible barrier between us.
Luke pulled at me and dragged me over to the couch.
“Do you want something to eat?” he asked, trying to sound casual.
How could I think of eating when I had my only reason for living right there, and he didn’t even recognize me? No, I definitely didn’t want to eat anything; or rather, I couldn’t.
I shook my head, racking my brains, trying to find a way to recover my angel’s stolen memory. Luke turned away from me uneasily. Erik stood lost in thought, in the same pose as when we’d arrived. He was staring absently out the window without showing the slightest interest in me, or so I thought.
I didn’t know how long I spent watching him, admiring his body outlined by the light through the window. I fell asleep sitting on the couch. I don’t know if I closed my eyes or not, because his image was still in my head, as real as if I’d been looking at him.
The faint glow of dawn lit up the room. I was lying on the same sofa, covered with a thin sheet. I looked around me. There was no one near. Then I listened hard and footsteps echoed in my
head.
I waited without moving for Luke to appear.
“Good morning,” I heard a sweet voice whisper.
It was Erik. I gave a start and sat up, folding my legs under me.
“Hello,” I replied timidly. “I thought you’d gone.” My words echoed my fears.
“Where do you want me to go?” he shrugged reluctantly.
“Has Luke told you... anything?” I stammered. I wasn’t sure how to go on.
“Yes,” he said flatly, “but I still don’t remember anything.”
My face fell, reflecting all the disappointment I felt inside. I looked into his eyes, desperate to hold on to a little hope, and I found what I needed. The spark that I’d seen the night before was still there, lighting up his eyes. Erik didn’t remember anything, but something about him had begun to change. He just needed a little push.
Without thinking twice I got off the couch; I crossed the room and stood in front of him, taking his hand without waiting for his approval.
“Come with me,” I said, tugging at him to follow me.
“But...” He hesitated for a moment, looking at our clasped hands, his face showing the struggle that was raging inside him.
“Trust me,” I pleaded, pausing to look into his eyes.
He stared at me, trying to read me. He must have liked what he saw because he decided to follow me.
We went outside and I was blinded by the fierce sunlight. It had been dark inside the house and now I found myself facing an explosion of light. That momentary blindness helped me to think a little more clearly. Until that moment I hadn’t been sure what to do to get my angel back. Now it all fitted. I knew how.
“Do you have your car here?” I asked, fearing he didn’t and my plan would be ruined.
“Yes. Why?” he said, standing very still.
“You’ll see. Give me the keys.” I reached out my hand.
“Do you know how to drive?”
“Of course.” I sounded more confident than I really was.
He didn’t believe I could drive. I’d only driven Nicole’s old car a couple of times. That was the sum total of my experience with cars. But I didn’t care. I had to drive back to where our story began, where everything began.
I was totally focused on the task of driving the car. It had manual transmission, something new to me, and it literally drove me round the bend. Erik glanced at me, cringing every time I changed gear. He was tense, uncomfortable. I could see that by how tightly he was clinging to the arm rest. I wasn’t entirely sure if he was scared of my driving or of being alone with me without knowing where I was taking him.
“Here we are,” I murmured, parking the Audi in the deserted parking lot.
“Where are we?”
“At the High School. This is where we met.”
He didn’t say anything. He just stared at the old building through the windows. Maybe the hopes I’d raised were all in vain, but I wasn’t going to give up now. I got out of the car, ready to show him one by one all the places where our story had been written.
I didn’t have time. Suddenly, someone grabbed me from behind and pulled me back, away from the car and Erik. I tried to wriggle free, shouting and kicking the air. My captor was so strong that all my efforts came to nothing.
It all happened so fast. Where was Erik? Had they caught him, too?
I couldn’t believe it. In the end what Erik had feared was happening. His sacrifice to save me hadn’t worked. They’d found me. I’d been dumb not to listen to Luke’s warning, when he asked me not to leave his house. ‘Rudolf is very smart. He wants to set a trap for us’ he’d told me the night before, but I’d refused to take any notice. All my fears suddenly welled up in my head.
What was going to happen now? Nicole! How could I be so selfish and do this to my mother, thinking only of my own happiness? She’d lost my father and now she was going to lose me too.
My whole world had been turned upside down when I met Erik. The balance had been tipped his way totally and he’d become the most important person in my life. Now I had to face the consequences. Maybe they’d be satisfied with me and leave Erik and Luke alone, maybe not. That thought revived me and gave me the courage to fight back against my kidnapper. It was in vain again. What could I do against those arms that held me so tight that I couldn’t even breathe?
I could barely make out what my eyes struggled to see. I was trying to focus my vision, but it was as if I had a blindfold on. My mind began to cloud up. Thousands of memories flooded into my head seconds before I lost consciousness. People say when you die your life passes before your eyes like a movie. Well, that was what was happening to me. I closed my eyes in defeat; I only heard the roar of a motorcycle approaching in my last conscious moments. Suddenly it was over. There was nothing left. No memories, no light, no strength, nothing.
Voices reached my ears as if someone was talking in a tunnel. I wanted to open my eyes, but my eyelids wouldn’t obey. I wanted to wake up but it was impossible. A huge weight was hanging over me, crushing me and preventing me from moving. What was happening to me?
I tried to move my hand. I couldn’t. Actually, I couldn’t feel my body at all. It was as if my head had been unplugged from my body. I started to get scared. I strained my ears to make out the voices. I could hear them, but with difficulty; I only managed to catch a few words like: ‘coma’, ‘inability to react’ and sometimes my name. Were they talking about me? Was that what had happened to me? Was I in a coma or something?
That wasn’t possible, because I was aware of what was happening around me. The problem was that my body refused to obey my mind. I wanted to scream, ask whoever who was there to help me. But my voice didn’t want to leave my body. My lips remained sealed, unable to utter a word, not even a whimper.
I heard footsteps. Someone was coming towards me. Instinctively, I wanted to run. Of course, I couldn’t.
Gentle fingers touched my wrist, brushing it softly. They were taking my pulse.
“Look, her brain activity is intense right now,” I heard an expressionless, monotone voice.
“It’s too soon. We gave her quite a high dosage. Let her rest a little more.”
My heart leapt when I heard that voice. I knew that voice. I would have recognized it among a million voices.
Erik was with me. That reassured me. Everything was going to be fine if he was here, watching over me. Then a light went off in my exhausted brain. Erik didn’t remember me, he didn’t remember our story; also, there was something different in his voice which wasn’t as sweet and lovely as I remembered. It sounded distant, apathetic. My thoughts began to become more and more confused and incoherent.
I saw the sea. A blue sea that covered me with its warm waves. I felt good. The ebb and flow of the water was soothing as it washed over me. I looked back and I saw that the water was beginning to turn into ice and freeze everything in its path. I could feel the cold piercing my skin. I tried to run, but the ice reached me and trapped me. It held me in its cold grip and paralyzed me. Inert. Again I was in darkness.
RESURRECTION
“To achieve the possible, we must attempt the impossible again and again.”
Hermann Hesse
Double Moon Page 19