“My daughter is very particular,” Lord Britton said eventually, having thought about matters for a few minutes. “I find nothing wrong with you by any means, Lord Ruddington, and would not have you think that I consider you to be a failure in some way.”
“I am glad to hear that,” Daniel murmured, not quite certain what Lord Britton meant. Did he think Miss Marks would reject Daniel and was, therefore, doing his utmost to prepare Daniel for such an eventuality?
Lord Britton sighed and coupled his hands together, his brandy glass now empty and sitting on a small side table to his left. The man’s gaze was steady and determined, his jaw working for a moment or two as the lines on his forehead deepened.
“I would be glad to accept your request to court my daughter, Lord Ruddington,” Lord Britton continued slowly as a wave of relief crashed over Daniel’s frame. “But she may not accept you, should you ask it of her.” Daniel made to say something, wanted to say there was nothing he would not do to convince Miss Marks he truly cared for her, only for Lord Britton to wave a hand and continue decisively. “But Miss Crosby will join me, of course, in ensuring you are spoken very well of to my daughter, Lord Ruddington. She and I will work together to convince my daughter to accept you.”
Daniel swallowed and looked towards Miss Crosby, whose hands had stilled on the papers. Her back was straight, her head lifted as though she had been taken by surprise by Lord Britton’s response.
“I am growing somewhat weary of my daughter’s determination to refuse every good gentleman that comes to seek to court her,” Lord Britton continued, a trifle frustrated in his expression. “I think you would be more than suitable, Lord Ruddington, and I am delighted by your interest in Sophia.” He smiled and rose from his chair, making Daniel realize the conversation had come to an end. “I shall have Miss Crosby escort you to the door and arrange a time to call upon Sophia with you. I suggest, Lord Ruddington, that you do so very soon, for otherwise my daughter will be inclined to look towards someone else—unless she has already done so!” He guffawed at this, although Daniel himself did not smile. Lord Britton bowed grandly as Daniel followed suit, his heart sinking as Miss Crosby came to join him, beckoned over by Lord Britton.
“Miss Crosby will see you out,” Lord Britton said again, gesturing for Miss Crosby to lead the way. “I am certain we shall meet again very soon, Lord Ruddington, and may I be the first to wish you every success!”
Daniel tried to laugh, but the sound stuck in his throat, rendering him a little foolish as he inclined his head again and then made to follow Miss Crosby. Letting out a long breath as he followed her from the room, he felt tension spiral up his spine, which became all the more intense as the door behind him closed tight. Miss Crosby did not look back but continued to walk on ahead of him, her shoulders set and her back stiff.
“Miss Crosby,” he stammered, aware of just how awkward he now felt. “Thank you for your assistance.” He did not know why he had said such a thing, but the urge to break the quiet that had settled over them both had become so great, he said the first thing that had come to mind.
“But of course,” she replied, not turning her head to look at him so that her voice bounced off the walls before reaching him. “I am entirely at your disposal, Lord Ruddington.”
Daniel did not quite know what to say to this, licking his lips and feeling himself growing more and more uncomfortable with every moment. They were nearing the hallway that led to the front door when, much to his astonishment, Miss Crosby rounded on him, her face flushed and her eyes holding a good deal of anger.
“Are you being entirely truthful in your desire to court my cousin, Lord Ruddington?” she hissed, her eyes narrowing as she took a few steps towards him. “Or do you have some other goal in mind?”
Daniel’s eyes flared wide, his heart pounding furiously as he looked back at her, wondering where this fierce creature had come from. Miss Crosby had never behaved in this manner before for she had always been demure and quiet, never allowing her emotions to spill over in such an obvious display.
“My desires are quite...” Daniel trailed off, surprising himself. He had every intention of telling Miss Crosby the very same lies he had said to Lord Britton, but for some inexplicable reason, he could not seem to say the words that were required.
Miss Crosby took another small step forward, her eyes fixed upon his with such a fierceness that Daniel felt as though he ought to raise his hands in order to defend himself.
“What are your intentions for Miss Marks, Lord Ruddington?” she asked quietly, one finger pointed at his chest. “Lord Britton may be glad to allow you to seek out Miss Marks attentions, but I myself am not at all convinced there is truth in your words, Lord Ruddington.”
Daniel swallowed, all too aware that she had seen him with Mrs. Laurencekirk. That was, he suspected, the reason she could not willingly believe he was singular in his intentions. Besides which, they had shared one or two intimate moments which, whilst he had never intended to do so, had taken him by surprise but also filled him with pleasure. Even now, as he looked down into her face, he saw how her eyes were alight with frustration and anger, which seemed to make the shades of blue swirl about, going from dark to light and back again with each passing moment. His breath caught, his mind going blank as he was caught by the sense of beauty about her, borne from anger and frustration and yet bringing her a fresh loveliness that quite captured his heart again. He had never seen her so animated before, had never seen her so caught by emotion, and there was something about this that spoke to his heart. Miss Crosby must have felt it also for she blushed furiously and dropped her hand, turning a little away from him but not stepping back.
“It may not appear I care for my cousin, Lord Ruddington,” she told him, still not lifting her eyes to his, “but I do want to see her settled and happy. I cannot be content with a gentleman who does not have the truest of intentions for her.”
“And you find me lacking,” he murmured, seeing how she looked at him again, her expression troubled. The urge to tell her everything, to confess that he did not, in fact, want to court or even call upon Miss Marks again, began to burn in his heart, pushing itself upwards until he felt sure it would spill from his mouth without his intention.
“I do not understand you, Lord Ruddington,” Miss Crosby replied softly, turning back now to look up at him, her angry expression fading only to be replaced by a look of sorrow, which Daniel felt rip into his soul. “You seem to have a desire to become close to my cousin but without any of the singular intention I have seen in so many other gentlemen.”
“Perhaps it is because I am well aware of your cousin’s reputation that you find me so,” he answered, using her words to come up with a reasonable excuse. “I cannot pretend I am singular in my intentions, Miss Crosby, for I am not.” Seeing her blink in confusion, he tried to explain, throwing one lie over another and praying they stuck fast together. “I might wish for Miss Marks to accept me, to choose me over any other gentleman, but I am well enough aware of her reputation to trust that such a thing may not occur.” He smiled, ignoring the fact that he was utterly determined to have Miss Marks attentions no matter what he said to Miss Crosby. “I may well have one or two others whom I might wish to share my attentions with also, for if Miss Marks rejects me, I will not be utterly heartbroken.”
Miss Crosby shook her head and looked away as though this explanation displeased her.
“It is wise, is it not?” he asked gently, hating the guilt that was piling up within his heart with every word he spoke. “You understand your cousin, do you not, Miss Crosby? Surely you can see I am choosing to behave wisely.”
Miss Crosby sighed and looked back at him, her eyes still holding a good deal of concern. “You know my cousin well, it seems,” she answered him slowly, “but I confess to you now that I have not seen any supposed affection from you towards Miss Marks, Lord Ruddington.” She took a small step closer, her eyes lifting to his and making his breath hitch from
her nearness. There was no one else around, for it seemed even the staff had melted away into other parts of the house so that they might be left entirely alone. Miss Crosby was quite correct. There had never been this intensity of emotion between himself and Miss Marks. There had never been this desire to tug her into his arms, never been this awareness of just how beautiful her eyes were when they fixed to his. He swallowed hard, trying to look away but finding he could not.
Why did his heart fail him when his intentions had, only a few moments ago, been so utterly determined? What was it about Miss Crosby that seemed to throw him asunder, to have him confused and uncertain when he had only just been wholly set in his ways? Miss Crosby gave him a small smile, although, to his horror, he noted that her eyes had become a little glassy.
“You bought me books,” she said simply. “I have not seen you do such a thing for Miss Marks.”
“I have brought her...” He trailed off, realizing he had never done such a thing for Miss Marks. Miss Crosby was quite correct.
“You and I have found ourselves standing together in such a fashion and, whether you might want to admit it or not, Lord Ruddington, there is something here that captures us both entirely.” She was blushing furiously now, her face growing scarlet as she tried to speak openly with him, but her vulnerability only tore at his heart all the more. “I do not see anything such as this between yourself and my cousin. So what is it you seek from her, Lord Ruddington?” She blinked rapidly, obviously pushing back tears as she held his gaze. “What is it you want from my cousin? Why do you pursue her when I can tell you have no particular depth of feeling towards her?”
He did not immediately answer. It was astonishing to him that she had noted this about him already, not wanting to admit to her that she was correct yet fearing that if he did not, she would say something that would prevent Miss Marks from accepting his company any longer.
“I—I cannot tell you,” he stammered awkwardly. “It is not for you to know, Miss Crosby. In fact,” he continued, trying to put a sense of authority into his voice, “I do not believe you have any right to ask me such a thing.”
She crumpled before him, her head dropping, her eyes closing tightly, and, to his utter shame, a single tear dripping onto her cheek. He was confusing her with his actions, he knew, for he was confusing even himself with all he felt and all he tried to hide.
“Miss Crosby, I—”
Her head lifted.
“I do not want to bring you pain,” he told her, truthfully. “And yet I fear I shall do so regardless. The truth is I do not feel a great deal for Miss Marks, and yet she is the one I have set my sights on.” He had not meant to tell her so much, but the truth was spilling from his mouth regardless. “It is quite common for the ton to marry without any great affection from either party, is it not?”
“It is,” she admitted quietly, her tear still staining her cheek. “But I cannot understand why one would willingly seek such a thing when there is a greater chance of it with another.” She was speaking boldly again, laying out what he already knew to be true, without even a moment of hesitation.
“I do it because I must,” he answered, his heart beginning to beat painfully within his chest. “I have no other choice. I must court Miss Marks. I must propose.” He did not say anything more, for he had no intention of marrying the lady but knew to say so would only make Miss Crosby turn against him from this very moment onwards. “Even if I have feelings that twist me about in every way, even if I am to remain entirely confused about matters that concern my own heart, I can do nothing about them. Miss Marks is my goal, my only intention, Miss Crosby. I do hope that fervency will be enough to satisfy you.”
There was nothing said for some minutes. Miss Crosby stood, looking up at him, her eyes searching his face but saying not a word. The air began to cloud with tension, his breathing quickening as he returned her gaze, aware of just how close they were and how entirely alone they seemed to be. His eyes fell to her lips with unwanted questions coming to his mind as to whether or not she had ever been kissed before and if she would permit it if he tried to do so now.
A small groan escaped from his lips as he dropped his head, putting one hand over his eyes as he fought the strange sensations that filled him. He did not want to feel this way for, when it came to it, she would only end up despising him. He would end up with a sense of triumph, yes, but it would be marred by his broken heart.
“I do not think I shall ever be satisfied when it comes to understanding you, Lord Ruddington.” Miss Crosby’s voice was soft and a little broken by emotion. “I do not think I can bear to see you court another when I know there is more in what has passed between us than in all the time you have spent with my cousin. And yet...” She hesitated, still looking up into his face. “And yet, I believe my feelings are misplaced. You are not the gentleman you claim to be.” Her expression was growing harder now, as though she were forcing herself to turn away from him entirely, making her heart darken towards him. “You walk with one lady and shower attention upon her so that she might be open towards you should Miss Marks turn away from you. I cannot know how many others you might be doing the very same with.” A sigh escaped her, and she took a small step back. “I am the fool, Lord Ruddington, for daring to believe there might be something of note between us. There is not. I see that now. You are determined to have Miss Marks, for reasons of your own, and if she should reject you, then there are others waiting in the wings.” Her head dropped, and she lifted one arm out, gesturing for him to walk towards the door. “Except I am not included in that.”
Daniel swallowed hard, fighting the desperate urge to pull her into his arms and to press his lips to hers so that he might reassure her of all he felt, that he might prove to her she was more to him than any other. He wanted to tell her the truth about Mrs. Laurencekirk, to let her know why he sought Miss Marks attention, but still, he held himself back. The plan had been too great, too long thought out and too long in its action for him to turn away from it now. His family would never have the justice they deserved should he speak to Miss Crosby of it, should he even give her a clue as to what he intended. No, he had to remain closed to her. He had to remain steadfast in his determination, even if it shrouded him in despair.
“I am sorry, Miss Crosby,” he murmured, making to move past her but finding he could not. “I am not the sort of gentleman you deserve, I fear. Sooner or later, you shall discover that for yourself, and that, my dear lady, will be the moment you are grateful you turned from me.” He saw her eyes flare in surprise as she looked up at him suddenly, her cheeks still rosy red. “You will be glad you hardened your heart towards me, Miss Crosby,” he finished with as much firmness in his voice as he could manage. “You will be glad to have me gone from your life and your heart. In time, Miss Crosby, all will become clear, and you shall see me as you have never seen me before. Trust me. I am not the gentleman you believe me to be. I am unworthy of your considerations, unworthy of your affections, no matter how small they may be. And as much as I hate to turn from you and reject my urgent desires, I must do so to right a wrong.” He saw her open her mouth, clearly wanting to ask him about what he meant, but before she could do so, he leaned down and kissed her cheek, lingering for a moment too long before he pulled his head up and walked away from her, leaving Miss Crosby staring after him in shock.
Chapter Nine
The next fortnight seemed to run through Sarah with a great, unrelenting pain. Lord Ruddington, whilst he had not yet asked Miss Marks to court him, had been present almost every day, calling on Miss Marks to share tea together or, upon occasion, taking her out for a short walk or a ride in his phaeton.
Of course, Sarah had been required to go also and had hated every single moment of it. Whenever Lord Ruddington had so much as dared to glance at her, she had felt such a searing pain within her heart that she had almost been forced to bend double in an attempt to hide it away. Instead, she had merely turned her head away and dealt with the pain as
best she could, gritting her teeth and forcing her hot tears away.
“Sarah, you are not listening to me!”
Jerked from her thoughts, Sarah turned back to see her cousin looking at her impatiently, her beautiful features marred by the frown on her brow and the narrowing of her eyes.
“I am sorry,” she said hastily, moving away from the window and trying to smile. “What was it you asked me?” She tried desperately to move her thoughts away from Lord Ruddington, her mind still turning over every single remark he had made the last time they had spoken, the strangeness of his words and the confusion over his sorrowful, almost regretful demeanor.
Miss Marks huffed a little sigh and tossed her head. “I am sorry if you find my conversation dull,” she murmured in the affected way of hers that Sarah found so difficult. “I was merely asking you what you thought of Lord Ruddington. I am quite certain he intends to seek to court me soon enough, but he has not asked me as yet.” She laughed suddenly, her eyes bright and all displeasure gone. “I think he is quite the gentleman, of course, and very particular in his attentions, but I do not know whether or not I am prepared to give up the affections and attentions of all the other gentlemen who seem so eager to pursue me.” She laughed again, the sound grating on Sarah’s nerves.
“I think you must consider what your future is to be,” Sarah replied as calmly as she could even though she despised her cousin’s eagerness to flirt and toy with as many gentlemen as she could. “Lord Ruddington appears to be a most suitable gentleman, does he not?” She did not make mention of what Lord Ruddington himself had said to her for fear that this would only confuse matters, particularly when she did not know what he had meant. “You must marry someday.”
Again, her cousin laughed and tossed her head. “You are quite ridiculous, Sarah, really. Yes, I must marry, but there is no particular urgency! It is not as though I am on the shelf as yet. I can enjoy myself this season and thereafter, seek a husband for myself.” Her eyes turned towards the door as though she were expecting a stream of gentlemen, even though it was not yet time for the afternoon calls to begin. “It is rather pleasing to be the object of so much attention.”
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