by Kay Maree
Providing Caleb with a happy childhood was my greatest joy, as well as my greatest sadness. He was healthy, had everything and every opportunity an eight-year-old boy could want, and he laughed and enjoyed every day, but all of that was tempered with the constant reminders that Liz wasn’t here to be part of them. She’d missed his first day at school, when he rode his push bike for the first time without its training wheels, and when he’d received an award at the end of year assembly at school last year. And she wouldn’t be here to see him get his drivers licence, graduate from high school and university, or fall in love and get married… all the milestones we’d dreamed about for him. I was thankful I had my mother to help me with this particular battle, as there was no way I could provide him with the soft, nurturing, mother-love he still needed at times, but every battle I fought was for the express purpose of providing a better, safer, more stable world for my son. So far, I’d been doing what I considered to be a damn good job of being a single dad and I was determined that he would be raised with the same values and beliefs as I had been. He would be the next Cullinan man with strong ethics and a sense of moral obligation to his family and community. He was already proving his resilience and pride in a job well done, and was well on his was to being a good man. In that respect, I guess I had already won that battle.
My other battle was more of a two-pronged struggle between what I was willing to accept and what my mother was. My sadness and grief over losing Liz had not abated, despite it now being five years and that I’d kept myself so busy with all the things I was involved in. I was still not in a place where I could imagine not thinking of her at every stage of every day, and the possibility of forming a relationship with another woman made me physically ill. I couldn’t see a day when the sight of our son, with his red hair and facial features so like hers, wouldn’t hit me like a punch to the stomach, and no amount of prompting and gentle persuasion from my mother could convince me otherwise. Although my body ached for the comfort of someone to hold in the dark stillness of the night, I was willing to accept that I had been left to live my life on my own in that regard, despite my mother’s assertions to the contrary. We’d clashed about this occasionally, but I think I’d finally convinced her to leave me alone. Nothing she could do, and no woman she could suggest, was going to drive me to push my memories of Liz out of my heart and mind. I’d had my chance with love and it had been taken away from me. Nothing was going to change that.
CHAPTER FIVE
After another long, early morning conversation with my mother, I’d had to rush to get Caleb ready for school and out the door on time. Somehow, she’d forgotten that I didn’t want to know about every new woman who moved to town. I shook my head slightly. I knew she meant well, but I wasn’t interested. My world was currently rushing through the house, needing to stop every couple of metres to pick up things that were falling out of his unzipped backpack.
“Seriously, Caleb, we should have been gone fifteen minutes ago. Are you sure you’ve got everything you need now?” There were days when I had to fight the urge to be a helicopter parent and pack his bag for him, even though I knew he needed to take responsibility for his own things. He was closing in on the end of Year Three at school now and he knew the routine, but he was perpetually distracted in the mornings. No matter how many times I prompted him to pack his bag the night before, he always managed to leave it to the last minute every morning. He was so much like his mother in that respect. Liz had always been running out the door, with a piece of toast clenched between her teeth and a travel mug of coffee in one hand, so I really shouldn’t have been surprised that Caleb was pretty much doing the same thing.
“Yep, I’m good to go now, Dad. Let’s hit the road.” He was out the door and down the back steps before I had my keys in my hand. How he went from total chaos to first out the door never ceased to amaze me, but it happened every day. He spent the drive in to town excitedly chattering about how his class was starting swimming this week and how he was sure he’d be able to swim faster than all his friends. I wasn’t so sure about that, seeing as he hadn’t been in a pool, except to splash around, since last summer, but I had to admire his confidence. I guess there was some of me lurking inside him too. With the summer holidays fast approaching, it was good timing for the kids to be doing their block of swimming lessons through the school. Many of them would be heading to the beach or places with pools, so any confidence in the water these country kids could get was a bonus.
After dropping him at the school gate, I continued into the CBD and got a park in the shade under one of the trees in the main street. I usually parked in this same spot because it was centred between all the places I needed to visit each time I came to town. First on my list today was the bank, but since it wasn’t due to open for another half hour, I took the opportunity to indulge in a coffee at the oldest café in town. Apart from supporting a local business, the fact that they also made the best scones was an added bonus. Once I’d thanked Judy for yet another perfect coffee, I strode the two doors down the street and into the bank. I’d received a letter from a ‘R.L. Conroy’ about rolling over the term deposits the bank held for us and apparently had some forms to sign. This wouldn’t take long, but it would be a good opportunity to see how these deposits were performing and put a face to the new staff member at the bank. Dad had always emphasised that it was wise to be on good terms with all the staff at the bank, and I agreed that it made life much more comfortable. Melissa was in her usual position at the front desk and ushered me through to an office straight away. I appreciated this as I didn’t like sitting around in places like the bank as I didn’t want people speculating about why I was there, or getting cornered into a conversation that I didn’t want to have. As I waited, I took the chance to scroll through the notifications on my phone. I wasn’t expecting to see anything overly interesting; it was just a force of habit when faced with waiting.
When the door opened and I glanced up, my brain sort of short circuited and I dropped my phone onto the desk in front of me. As the stranger stepped into the room and lifted their eyes to meet mine, they dropped the manila folders they were carrying, spewing pieces of paper across the floor. My natural instinct to help had me almost leaping from my seat and crouching beside them, grabbing up as many of the papers as I could get my hands on. Several times, our fingertips collided, and we found ourselves apologising and fumbling around even more. By the time we went to stand up and nearly knocked each other to the ground in the process, I had no idea what was going on. This was the most bizarre first meeting I’d ever had with a bank employee and I had a feeling that the papers I was here to sign were now as shuffled as a deck of cards.
After scrambling to my feet, I extended a hand and offered a mumbled, “I’m sorry.” If this was the ‘R.L. Conway’ I was going to be dealing with, I was going to have serious trouble concentrating.
“Not as sorry as I am,” was the very quiet response I got. “Can we start this meeting again? I’m Rachelle Conroy.” She placed the jumbled folder and papers carefully on the desk, then extended a hand to take mine in a brief handshake.
“Sam Cullinan… pleased to meet you.” I didn’t sound very much like myself and I’d broken out into a nervous sweat. What the heck?
“Take a seat, Mr. Cullinan,” she instructed.
I sat, which amazed me. I was always the last one to sit, especially when there was a woman in the room. I sat and watched her carefully sort through the papers, carefully arranging the pages into the correct folders. She seemed to know what she was doing, which was reassuring after a less than auspicious entrance. As I continued to watch her, I began noticing things about her appearance. The shiny, black patent heels she was wearing seemed to perfectly support her long, tanned legs which disappeared below her tight black skirt. This skirt skimmed over her hips and nipped in at her waist, where her sheer, white blouse was tucked in. I forced my eyes to move quickly over her breasts and took in the line of her throat whic
h was slightly disguised by the black, wavy hair which settled on her shoulders. When I finally looked at her face, I caught my breath. I hadn’t consciously observed a woman for over five years, and now that I was it was like a burst of sunlight had broken through an overcast sky.
Yep, that sounds completely corny now that I think back on it, but there really was no other way to describe it in the moment. Her skin was a perfect sun-kissed olive tone, her lips were full, and her eyes were a shade of green I’d never seen before. I just sat and stared at her for a few moments. As I looked down to watch her continuing to sort out the papers, I found myself imagining what it would feel like if her long fingers were touching me, her manicured nails trailing along my skin… I shook my head in an attempt to clear my thoughts. I’d never, and I mean never, reacted to a woman this way in my life and I felt completely overwhelmed by the sensations coursing through my body.
“Okay, I think everything is back where it should be now,” she announced as she suddenly looked directly into my eyes and flashed me a smile which exposed the most perfect teeth I’d ever seen. What was wrong with me? “Let’s get these forms all signed so you can get on with your day. I’m sure you’re a very busy man.”
“Um…no…actually, I’ve got nothing important to do all day today,” I rambled on.
“Be that as it may, Mr. Cullinan, I have another appointment in about half an hour, so we’d better press on.” Her reply sounded like a playful reprimand, or maybe I was just hoping it was.
“Please… Call me Sam,” I asked.
“Very well, Sam… I won’t expect you to call me Miss Conroy then.” She looked at me from under her eyelashes and sent me a quick wink. “I have a feeling you’ll have enough trouble remembering Rachelle, let alone my full name.”
“Ouch.” I clutched at my chest, pretending to have been shot. “That’s a bit harsh, Rachelle… At least I’m not the one that dropped all their official paperwork all over the floor.” We both burst out laughing at that.
“Touché, Sam,” she replied. “And I am sorry about that. I don’t know what happened, I’m never usually so clumsy.”
“It’s okay.” I leaned in a little. “I won’t tell, if you don’t.” I returned her wink from earlier.
“Deal,” she agreed quickly, then stopped to think. “Although I don’t know what I’m supposed to not be telling.” We laughed again.
Once we collected ourselves, we had the forms quickly sorted. After looking over the details, it was just a matter of signing and dating in a few places, and authorising for the accrued interest to be drawn down into my account.
“Well, that’s all I needed to see you for today, Mr…. sorry, Sam. Thank you for coming in to get this sorted out so quickly.” She started to stand as she spoke. Something told me that I needed to come with a reason to see her again, and soon.
“Rachelle?” I started. “Now that you know all about my business affairs, I don’t suppose there’d be a chance that you’d be free for lunch today?” I was speaking fast and my mouth was drying out. “Like I said, I don’t have any other plans for while I’m in town today, except picking up my son from school.”
She thought for a moment. “Sam, I’m not sure that that’s appropriate.”
“Maybe this is what you’re not supposed to be telling about, Rachelle.” I heard an unfamiliar playful tone in my voice. “Seriously, I’m not sure what’s going on here, but I think lunch might go a long way to answering that question.” I looked her in the eye as I spoke. I tried to look away, really, I did, but something drew me in and I couldn’t look away.
After a few more moments of just standing there, looking into each other’s eyes, she shook her head a little and closed her eyes. “I should say no, you know that, don’t you?”
“But…”
“But I don’t think I can.” Her eyes flashed open and I caught my breath all over again.
“What time is your lunch break?” I asked, pressing on for a quick decision, not willing to let her change her mind.
“Twelve until one,” she answered.
“I’ll meet you over the road at The Criterion at noon. I’ll be at the table right at the back, in the corner. At lunchtime, most people sit near the bar, so we’ll have as much privacy as you can get in this town during the day,” I offered, sensing she was worried about being seen.
“That would be nice. I’ve not been in town long, and don’t want to attract attention.” She seemed a little nervous.
“It’ll be okay. I’d reckon most people will be in too much of a rush to look around the back to see if anyone’s sitting there,” I tried to reassure her.
“I’m sure it’ll be fine.” She thought for a moment. “There’s just something about you that has me intrigued. I need to know what that is.”
“I know what you mean, Rachelle. I’ve never had this sort of a reaction to anyone in my life.” I stopped and took a breath. “Although, I have a feeling that one lunch might not answer our questions.”
“Are you always this smooth when you ask women out?”
“To be honest, I’ve not asked anyone on a first date since I was a teenager, but that’s something we can talk about later.” Suddenly, I was the nervous one. What if I was coming across as some sort of weirdo? What the heck was I doing? I’d come to the bank to sign a few papers and suddenly I was asking someone out to lunch… I must have lost my mind. Maybe all Mum’s talk about other women had finally rubbed off on me. She’d love to hear about this… especially if I told her about how we met and how awkward I was. I’d never live it down.
“Well, that sounds like an interesting story; I look forward to hearing about that,” she replied. “I should get ready for my next appointment now though. If I’m going to get out of here at noon, I’d better try to stay on time.”
“Good idea.” I looked at her again and wondered what it was about her that had me acting so out of character. “Are you sure about lunch? I mean, if you change your mind, I’ll totally understand.”
“No, I’ll be there. I feel like I need to get to know you a little better. Lunch sounds like a good place to start, to me.” She smiled as she spoke. It seemed like a genuine smile, so I took it that way.
“I’ll see you at noon, then, Rachelle.” I held out my hand to shake hers, just like I would with any bank employee, then realised that it probably wasn’t the right thing to do. We both looked at my hand, hanging in space between us, and laughed. I was lucky she had a sense of humour, otherwise I’d look like a right idiot about now.
She reached out, gently took my hand in hers, and gave it a light squeeze. “Yes, you will, Sam.” Her words sounded smooth as they washed over me.
As I walked out of the bank and into the bright mid-morning sunlight, I was left feeling a little off balance, but in a good way. Somehow, in the space of just a few short minutes, Rachelle Conroy had managed to drop into my life and shuffle things up, much like the folders she’d dropped when she came into that office. And like those folders, although I looked the same on the outside, because of my contact with her, I was changed on the inside.
I spent the rest of the morning running the few errands I’d intended to get done – picking up chicken and dog food from the produce agent, mail from the Post Office, a carton of beer from the bottle shop – then it was time to get to that table. Although it was good to be meeting at a familiar place, it still felt a little strange. I was conscious of the fact that I’d been friends with most of the staff and customers since school, which meant they also knew Liz, but I pushed that thought away as I strode up to the bar. I ordered a Coke from Mike and told him I was staying for lunch, before making myself comfortable to wait for Rachelle. I hadn’t realised that from this table you could actually see the doors of the bank, which meant I was able to watch her come outside and cross the road. She appeared to be relaxed as she put her sunglasses on and checked for cars, her sun-kissed arms and legs glowing in the midday sun. I gave myself a
mental shake when I felt something begin to stir deep in my belly. It was something I resigned myself to never feeling again, and certainly not what I’d expected when I was rushing Caleb out of the house this morning. It was a surprise and I wasn’t sure what to do about it.
As I watched Rachelle make her way through the front bar, striding confidently as she came toward me, a small voice in the back of my head whispered, “Go with it.” Those three little words that Liz always said to me when I wasn’t sure of a situation, must have been a sign… well, what else could they be? I decided to go with it and see what happened. I stood and pulled out the chair opposite mine so she could sit down, I ordered us food and drinks, and we managed to fill her whole lunch break with talk about our lives and what we’d done up to this point. The comfortable banter between us quickly set me at ease and before the hour was up, we’d already made plans for another lunch on Thursday and dinner on Saturday night.
When it came time for her to head back to work, I found myself wanting to lean in or a kiss goodbye. Instead, I reached across the table and gave her hand a quick squeeze. To my surprise, she went to stand and leaned across and kissed me on the cheek.