by Len Webster
“I love you,” he whispered.
Alex’s bottom lip trembled as her heart clenched at the sorrow in his eyes. The truth gleamed in them, giving her the answer. “But just as the mother of your child, right? I need you to figure out what that I love you means now. If you’re saying it because I told you I’m pregnant with your child or if it’s because you still truly love me. I won’t be mad if you say it’s because I’m the mother of your child. I just need to know so I know my place in your heart and in your life. If you’ve met someone, love someone, that’s okay, too.”
His eyes widened in disbelief. “Met someone?”
She nodded. “At the gala. If you love her, that’s okay.”
“I don’t love her. I barely know her. She’s from the MLB, a new executive who is visiting some of the teams. I had to be nice to her.” He exhaled a heavy breath. Relief filled her lungs and chest at the revelation of who that woman at the gala was. But it didn’t rid her of the anxiety that whispered her deepest fears. “I-I love you…”
“You hesitated,” she stated, her heart weeping. “You’ve never once hesitated to tell me you love me. You used to say, ‘Eight protons. Eight neutrons.’” She forced the smile on her lips and wiped her tears away. “I’ll start searching for places near LA. Just let me know where you’re moving to, and I’ll find a place that’s not too close. I’ll have Dr. Livingston recommend some doctors. I’m sorry I can’t help you pack. I just can’t, Evan.”
Alex spun around, twisted the doorknob, and opened the door. As she walked out of his bedroom, she left behind her heart as her tears continued to roll. She didn’t want to move to California, but she had to. For him and the baby. When she made it to the stairs, she heard Evan rush out of his room.
“Alexandra!” he shouted, causing her to stop. “And how do you love me? As the father of your child or …?”
She didn’t hesitate.
What she felt was true.
It had always been true.
“I love you. You’re the love of my life, Evan Gilmore. Always have been. Always will be. I’ll bring your copy of the heartbeat you left in my room over later tonight.”
And that was all that was needed to be said.
It was all she could manage to say as she made her way downstairs and out of his house. When she shut the door behind her, she shivered. The snow had picked up since this morning. Folding her arms over her chest for warmth, she felt her phone vibrate in her pocket. Alex walked down the steps and pulled it out of her pocket as she made her way toward her parents’ house.
Tonight, she had to do some research. If she could find an apartment that was cheap, she’d have one of her father’s connections at the LA office check it out for her. When she made it to her front door, she unlocked her phone to find a new text message. Guilt ran hot through her heart as she read his name.
Landon: Hey, Massachusetts. I’ll be in Boston tomorrow afternoon. I’ll see you then?
Oh, no.
She clenched her eyes shut for a moment before she replied. In England, he reminded her of how true his love for her had once been. But his love wasn’t the one she had desperately wished to speak volumes by a staircase. Alex was stupid for wanting declarations from Evan. She knew she should have protected her heart better. Kept her lips tightly shut and saved herself from the brutality.
It was just a dinner that gave Landon too much hope and left her with so much guilt.
She wished Dr. Rodahawe hadn’t insisted she accompanied him to England.
She should have known better.
Alex: Tomorrow is perfect. I’ll see you then.
At 10:37 a.m., Alex stood outside The Polion restaurant. She thought about meeting her ex-boyfriend at her mother’s restaurant, but there was no way she could hide that she was having breakfast with Landon Carmichael from Evan or her mother. The restaurant that specialized in home cooking had been ranked the second-best restaurant in Boston for the past few years—behind The Little Restaurant in Boston. Her mother even knew and was friends with the head chef. But for what she was about to do, she needed privacy away from anyone connected to her.
She had meant to meet Landon seven minutes ago, but she hesitated. Alex had stood outside of the restaurant and felt sick. It wasn’t morning sickness that made her want to throw up. It was facing the mistake she had made three months ago. The mistake that wouldn’t leave her. And that was giving Landon Carmichael hope. Hope that there was a chance at a future.
Taking a deep breath, she knew she couldn’t delay it any longer. She had to see him. Tell him that they weren’t possible. Not now or ever. Alex released the breath she had inhaled and walked toward the restaurant’s front door. Once she grasped the handle, she pulled it open and stepped inside, feeling the warmth the winter conditions outside had neglected her of. She shook her head of any snowflakes and made her way to the podium.
“Hello, Alex,” the waitress greeted.
Alex shouldn’t be so surprised, but she was. Throughout college and her time in Switzerland, she forgot what it was like to live in a city where everyone knew her name. Her return and appearance at the gala the other night had already hit the magazines. Reports claimed she returned home just when the Red Sox needed her the most.
But she wasn’t home for them or to assume her former title of Little Miss Red Sox.
She was only home for Evan Gilmore.
Yesterday, she walked out of his old house in tears, realizing that his love for her wasn’t the love she had once known. For the very first time since their first I love you to each other, Evan Gilmore had hesitated.
His I love you didn’t feel right anymore.
Alex saw it in his eyes.
The fear.
He didn’t love her the way he used to. He loved her as the mother of his child. It should be more than enough, considering he had left her six months ago, but it wasn’t. She still loved him. Still hoped and waited for him. But it wasn’t about her or her heart anymore.
It had to be about their baby.
“Alex?”
She blinked, realizing that she had been quiet for too long. “I, umm, sorry. Hi. I have a table.”
The waitress smiled and nodded as she stepped away from the podium. “Your guest is already at your table. As requested, we’ve sat you both toward the back of the restaurant and away from the windows.”
“Thank you. I appreciate that a lot,” Alex said as she followed the waitress through the restaurant and toward the back.
Alex kept her head down, hoping that no one noticed her. The last thing she needed was to be photographed with Landon. She only now wondered why she didn’t just go to his hotel. Or better yet, why she didn’t just go to New York to see him. In New York, she could get lost. Her name was only known to Yankees fans there.
When Alex reached the table, she noticed Landon staring at his phone. She couldn’t believe it had been three months since she last saw him. Before that, she hadn’t seen him in years.
“Here we are. I’ll let you both have some time together, and I’ll grab you some water,” the waitress said as Alex sat across from Landon.
When they were alone, Landon smiled at her as he placed his phone on the table. “Hey, Massachusetts.”
His nickname for her was still said with so much adoration. So much sweetness and warmth.
“Hey, Landon,” she replied, not wanting to say Connecticut for fear that it might bring up old feelings and memories she didn’t want to revisit.
“How are you?”
Small talk. She could do small talk.
Suddenly feeling warm, Alex reached for the button on her coat and popped it free. She continued to unbutton until she could pull her coat from her and hang it behind her chair. “I’m good. Just settling back to life here in the States.”
“How was Zürich?” he asked, his phone lighting up. He
picked it up and then turned it over so that it was face down on the table. “Sorry.”
Alex shook her head. “Don’t be. Zürich was amazing. I miss my apartment, my work desk, the institute, and everyone, but I have missed home more. How are you? How’s the Hot Spurs?”
He grinned. It had been over a year since he transferred from the Phoenix Suns to the Hot Spurs. It was his dream team. They had reportedly paid millions to have him on their team. He had exceeded expectations when he became the number one draft pick. “I’m doing great. Better now that I get to see you. You’re even more beautiful than the last time I sat in front of you.”
“Landon,” she breathed, hating how her stupid heart clenched at the sweet memories of them. The memories that snuck up on her.
Her ex-boyfriend reached out and covered her hand with his. “I still love you. I can make it work.”
She shook her head. “Landon—”
“Excuse me, are you Landon Carmichael?”
Alex flinched and pulled her hand away, hating the flash of hurt in his light blue eyes. But he hid it well as he spread his lips and turned to their interrupter. It was a woman, holding a pen and a napkin.
“That’s me. Hi,” he confirmed.
“My boyfriend and I are big fans. I can’t believe you’re here in Boston. Can I get your autograph and a picture? He’ll never believe I met you. We were at the Lakers game last season, and he was just blown away,” the fan said.
Landon smiled as he took the napkin from her. “What’s your name and your boyfriend’s name?”
“I’m Britt. My boyfriend’s name is Johnny.”
Alex watched as Landon nodded and scribbled out two different names, a message, and signed the napkin. “There you go.”
“Can we take a photo together?”
Landon hesitated as he glanced over at her, but Alex offered a reassuring smile. She was happy to wait. This was his life now. He was living his dream right before her.
“Sure thing, Britt,” Landon agreed.
Him saying her name had the fan’s cheeks turning bright pink. “Oh my, God,” she breathed in awe as she held out her phone to Alex. “Do you mind?”
Alex shook her head as she took the phone from her. “Not at all.” Then she got out of her chair just as Landon had. As he stood next to the fan and wrapped an arm around her, Alex held the phone steady. “One. Two. Three.”
Then she took the photo and another two to be sure before she handed it back to her.
“Thank you so much,” Britt said as she looked at her phone. When it appeared she was happy, she lifted her chin and smiled. Then Alex saw it, curiosity and recognition in her brown eyes. “I know you … Aren’t you famous? I swear, I’ve seen you in a modeling spread or something.”
Alex shook her head, slightly relieved that she didn’t recognize her as Little Miss Red Sox. Her Texan accent was enough for Alex to relax. “I’m neither.”
Her nose crinkled. “I know you. I swear, I do.”
She glanced over at Landon and eyed him for help.
“Sorry, Britt. It was lovely to meet you. Hope you don’t mind if we get back to our table. Tell Johnny I said hi,” Landon said, coming to her rescue.
The fan mumbled something, but Alex had already sat back down in her chair, still reeling at the idea of being discovered at a restaurant with her ex-boyfriend.
“I’m so sorry about that, Alex,” Landon expressed with so much sorrow that she shook her head at him.
“It’s okay,” she reassured. “I was scared she’d figure out who I was. I’m not used to it all just yet. I guess my anonymity while at college and in Zürich spoiled me.”
Landon’s brows pulled as his lips pressed a fine line. “You’re scared they’ll see us together?”
Her pulse quickened.
The air in her lungs thinned.
The collision would soon find them.
Alex nodded. “I am,” she said honestly. “For almost four years, I was no longer in the tabloids about the Red Sox. I was no longer Little Miss Red Sox. For the past year and a half, I’ve been in science magazines and papers because I got to work with Dr. Rodahawe. I don’t miss my old life in the spotlight, Landon. I’d rather never be in it ever again.”
“I understand.” Then he sighed. “It’s probably why you were more comfortable with me in England than right now.”
She inhaled a deep breath, releasing it slowly to calm her nerves. But it didn’t work. She knew what she had to say wasn’t easy, but she had to. For his sake and hers. “Landon, that’s what I want to talk to you about.”
His hand covered hers in an instant. The features of his face were taut with concern, and those light blue eyes pierced into her, heat consuming her chest. “Okay.”
“Landon, I can’t,” she answered the question she had thought about for the past three months. “I can’t be with you.”
His face was emotionless. His posture was tight. “You … can’t?”
Alex shook her head as she pulled her hand free from his. “Landon, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have let you leave with the impression that there could be hope for us. We ended in college. You were the one who ended us.”
“Alex,” he choked out. “I was a dumb college kid. I was so stupid. I’ve grown since then. I know who my true friends are and who truly loved me. You were both. You’re still both.”
“I can’t be both, Landon,” she said more firmly, hating that she put them in this situation. “You’re everything I can’t have or want or need or love. Not anymore. Maybe back in college if you had said it all when we were ending in my dorm room. But no. You let me go to Boston after we broke up. You said you were sorry and left. I came back and forgave you, and we almost had unprotected sex without you telling me you had almost been with someone else. Nothing in our lives meet. England was …” She sighed. “An anomaly. We shouldn’t have been there at the same time. We can’t be together. We’re so different but still in the same situation. Your dreams don’t complement mine.”
“What is so bad about having someone who is a professional athlete love you, Alex? Huh? What is so bad about me loving you? Taking care of you? What is so bad about you loving me?”
Her heart ached at the way his voice broke. She couldn’t do this any longer. “Everything, Landon. Because I’m not your soul mate. I was just some girl in college who brushed you off at a frat party during her freshman year. We had it right for so long until it wasn’t anymore.”
“You’re not making any sense.”
Alex eyes closed, knowing what she had to do. What she had to say. When she opened her eyes, she stared into those desperate light blues and knew what she had to say would break his heart, but it was what he needed. What they both needed. Their futures were never in sync—except for their time at Duke.
“Landon.”
“Yes, Alex.”
Inhale.
Exhale.
Count to three.
One.
Two.
Three.
“I’m pregnant.”
Her ex-boyfriend’s lip trembled as shock filled his wide eyes. “Is it … his?” He gulped. “It is his?”
Alex dropped her hand and pressed it to her stomach. “Is it Evan Gilmore’s baby?”
He nodded, the agony on his face caused her heart to clench, hating that she was hurting him. She saw how hard it was for him to accept that she was pregnant with another man’s baby. The man who had her heart before she had even met Landon Carmichael.
“Evan’s the father.”
His eyes gleamed with unshed tears. It was as if he realized that there was no future for them. “Were you … when we were in England?”
“No,” she said. “I went back home a month a later. I’m sorry, Landon. But it’s not fair to you, or him, or my child if we tried.”
�
��Are you with him?”
To her surprise, a tear ran down her cheek as she shook her head. “No. We’ve been over for six months.”
Landon’s posture didn’t relax as he licked his lips. “I can help.”
Alex winced. “What? Help?”
“I can help you with your baby. If he isn’t stepping up—”
“He is,” she said, stopping his assumptions. “Evan’s going to be the father of his child, Landon. I didn’t want to see you so I could ask you to raise my child. Your mother and sister would freak out. You, the father of some other man’s child? No. Even if Evan didn’t, I wouldn’t want that for you. I’d do it alone. But he is. I appreciate how much you care, but we’ll raise our son or daughter in California and—”
“What?”
Crap.
She shouldn’t have mentioned California.
“California?”
“Yeah. LA is next.”
Disbelief was written all over his face. “No. Here is next. MIT is next. Alex, what are you doing?”
She sighed, hating that she understood why he was angry. She had made it clear throughout their relationship that her Ph.D. at MIT was the next stop in her life. “It had been. But my life has changed, Landon. It’s not about me anymore. I’m going to be a mother. And I can’t stay in Boston when he’s going to be in LA. I’m not going to be with him. I know we’re over. Part of me still wishes we weren’t, but it’s been six months, and just because I’m pregnant doesn’t mean we’re right for each other anymore. I’m moving for my child.”
“You don’t belong in LA, Alex. You belong here. You belong at MIT.”
Her heart fluttered at his belief in her, but she knew it was only temporary. “MIT was a dream. Things change. I’m going to be a mum first and a physicist second. That means I go where I need to go. And Caltech is a great school.”
Landon stared at her. His silence was deafening. Then she saw the flash in his eyes, and she wondered what was going through his thoughts. He reached over and grasped her hand in his hands. His eyes softened as he let out a breath. “I understand, Alex. I can see it in your eyes that you will never love me the way you love him. I’m sure you did once … until I destroyed that. If you ever need a friend, and I mean friend, I’ll be here for you.”