by Ella Fields
He shut me up with his lips.
Willa
The piece of paper fluttered in my hand as I skipped out of the kitchen to my room to grab my phone.
He didn’t answer, but that was to be expected, and it didn’t dim the excitement.
“Whoa,” Dad said, coming inside with his cooler.
He dropped it when I reached him and wrapped my arms around his neck. “I got accepted. Gray Springs.”
“Shit, Wil.” Dad laughed, squeezing me to him. He pulled me back by the shoulders, grinning. “Try not to get too excited about leaving me, yeah? Might give a lesser man a complex or something.”
I laughed, then let him take the paper from my hand.
“It’s really happening,” he said, reading over it as he walked farther into the house.
I grabbed his cooler, following him to the kitchen.
I hadn’t been accepted for any type of funding, but that didn’t matter. Jackson had received his acceptance letter last Friday, so I was just happy, so ecstatic we’d be together.
Once and for all.
Dad and I celebrated over dinner, going over the tuition and less fun details. It wasn’t an outrageously expensive college to attend, as far as colleges go, but it was still far from cheap.
“I have some savings,” Dad said.
To which I’d immediately said, “No way. I’ll take out loans.”
“Over my dead body.” I wouldn’t relent, though, and he sighed, wiping his mouth with a napkin and knocking back the rest of his beer. “Later, let’s just… try not to cry like a damn baby over the fact you’re leaving me.”
I took his hand, squeezing it tight, and whispered, “Love you, Dad.” For most of my life, he hadn’t been able to be there for me, but this past year, he’d more than made up for it. Through one of the worst and most challenging times of my life, he’d shown me that I could mess up, and he’d still be there.
He blinked, then coughed, swallowing hard before saying, “Love you too, kid. Love you too.”
At home, we polished off some cake we’d taken with us for dessert and watched the latest episode of Game of Thrones.
When Dad passed out on his recliner, I switched the TV off, draped the gray knitted throw over him, then got ready for bed.
My heart nearly dived into my too full stomach when I saw the missed call on my phone, and I struggled to sit still as I climbed onto my bed and returned his call.
“I got your message,” he said over what sounded like music and laughter. “Congrats, Wil.”
I frowned. “Where are you?” It was a Wednesday night. We still had a few months of school left to take seriously.
“Out,” he said, then hollered at someone in the background. “Fuck off. You’ll die, you dickhead.”
I didn’t care to ask who was being a dickhead. I cared to know why we weren’t going over all the plans we’d made in hopes of one day reaching this point. “Where?”
“With friends, is that not allowed?” Female laughter followed. Ainsley’s laughter.
“Is that…?” I couldn’t say it, my voice so faint and shocked, I feared he hadn’t even heard the attempt.
“I’ll call you later, okay? When I get home.” The line went dead, and I stared at my phone, at the picture of us I’d saved as my background.
I stared, and I stared, and he never called back.
I paced my room, round and round in circles, listening to Peggy prattle on about Dash’s latest encounter with a cucumber. “Won’t touch them, says they’re too phallic looking.”
“Sliced?” I said, taking her off speakerphone.
“Nope,” she said, crunching on what sounded like chips.
I stopped before my desk, sputtering out a laugh. “Come on. Seriously?”
“Dead serious. And the whole time, I was so shocked I hadn’t known that about him, I failed to see how ridiculous it was until I’d left.”
Dash and Peggy were now official, not that much had seemed to change. I moved around some of my textbooks, trying to find the to-do list Jackson and I had prepared. He’d promised he’d call in a text he’d sent early this morning, but I was still waiting. I’d wait for as long as I had to if the promise of us was what I’d receive.
“What about bananas? Carrots?”
“He’s fine with them,” she said. “Carrots are too bumpy and deformed looking while bananas are too curved.”
I snorted, checking the doorway for any sign of Dad who was home and cleaning up the kitchen after dinner, then whispered, “He does know some guys are well, you know…”
She cackled. “Probably, but he’s perfect, so of course, he doesn’t care.”
I slipped my hair behind my ear, then checked the hallway. The TV was on, and Dad’s head appeared over the back of the couch.
I wasn’t sure why I was nervous. He’d said we could talk on the phone. Okay, so he hadn’t exactly permitted it, but he hadn’t not permitted it either.
He’d just never been awake or at home when Jackson had called before. I feared he’d do it now, when he finally was, but I couldn’t and wouldn’t be picky.
“Willa?” Peggy called. “Earth to Willa,” she sang.
“Here, sorry.”
“You’re even weirder than you usually are now, you know that?”
I closed my bedroom door, frowning. “I’m offended. You’re the weird one.”
“True.” Peggy laughed. “How’s Todd?”
She’d asked me that a few times. “If Dash knew how often you asked about him, he’d be angry as hell.”
“Angry? Pissed. Fucking furious,” she said. “Say it with me, come on.”
“Shut up,” I said, laughing.
“You going to tell him?” she asked.
“No way,” I all but yelled.
“I’m not asking because I like the guy. I’m asking because I know the guy likes you.”
I groaned, regretting that I’d told her about the almost kiss. Daphne didn’t know. After all that’d happened with her and Lars, and Annika’s pregnancy, I refused to call her and saddle her with any of my average problems.
“He doesn’t. He’s just testing me because I’m taken.”
“Sure, sure. I’m also annoyed because you never told me if you apologized for me about that party.” She chewed more chips. “You know, where Dash hauled me away from him like an ape.”
I took a seat on my bed. “He doesn’t care,” I said. Which was true. At the mention of Peggy, he’d looked confused. I’d had to describe her for recognition to light his features.
“He said it was a little nuts, but he hooked up with Celeste after anyway.”
“Nice. Who’s Celeste?”
“Girl from school,” I muttered, checking the time on my phone. It was almost nine.
“So, are things with Jackson okay?”
An incoming call chirped as soon as she’d finished asking, and I hurried out, “Gotta go, I’ll call you next week or something,” then hung up before she could respond.
My hand tunneled into my hair, and I stood, pacing again. “It’s been six days, Jack.”
“I know, I’m sorry.” He didn’t sound it, though. He sounded rushed, flippant. I forgot about that when he said, “Got a pen? We need to add some more shit to our apartment list.”
He’d be getting an apartment, and I’d be staying in the dorms. But really, the dorm would just be a place to keep my things. We already knew I’d be spending most of my time with him.
My annoyance vanished in the face of excitement. Maybe he hadn’t lost his own; maybe he was just struggling to make it to the finish line. But we were almost there.
“Okay.” I grabbed a pen and the list from my desk.
The finish line was in sight, and we could make it.
Willa
Todd plonked himself down on the grass next to me. “I’m sorry I tried to kiss you, okay?”
“Did you purposely wait until Flo left before you decided to grace me with your presence?” I
asked, licking the mandarin from my finger. “Because she’s not stupid. She already knows something is up.” Being that he hadn’t sat with us in the weeks since.
He bobbed his head side to side. “Maybe.”
I lifted a brow.
“Okay, yes. But I didn’t really feel like getting my ass reamed twice, ya know?”
I tugged my maxi skirt over my crossed legs, my mandarin peels piled in the brown and red rayon. “I’m not mad.” I’d been annoyed, but enough time had passed, and his silence had made it wane.
“Really?” he asked, sounding shocked.
I peered over at him, the sunlight bouncing off his strong nose. “Really. Just don’t do it again.”
I returned my attention to my fruit, popping another piece in my mouth.
The guys on the team were tossing a football back and forth on the field in front of me. From my vantage point in the shade beneath the trees, I saw Green lean down to whisper something to Flo that had her head falling back with laughter.
“So,” Todd said, pulling his knees up and wrapping his arms around them, “if you’re not mad, then why do you look so fucking glum?”
I wanted to laugh, and then I wanted to cry, but I did neither. I also didn’t want to divulge. Not when it seemed Todd might actually like me. That didn’t seem right. “Don’t worry, I’m fine.”
He groaned. “Fine, she says. That fucking word is akin to a big fat I’m so far from fine, I can’t even with the word fine’s existence.”
I did laugh then, the sound rattling out in a way that loosened my shoulders and dumped heat into my cheeks. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d really laughed. “Funny.”
“Evidently, Miss I hardly laugh anymore. What’s he done?”
I coughed, almost choking on my next piece of mandarin. “Just go right there, why don’t you?”
“You’ve changed,” he murmured. “More sassy-sorrow now.”
I swallowed, then fiddled with the remaining fruit in my lap. “He hasn’t done anything.”
Todd sat with that a moment, then said, “Which I’m gathering is the problem.”
That, and the numerous parties he seemed to be attending, girls like Ainsley often commenting on photos he’d shared from them. I wasn’t sure how our parents were allowing it, and I couldn’t even ask, being that he’d never talk for longer than ten minutes. If he even answered my calls at all.
I closed my eyes, the hollow feeling inside my chest making it hard to breathe. I wanted to breathe. I needed to. But his absence, the distance that spread wider each day, was suffocating. “I guess things aren’t…” I stopped, unsure and scared. “You probably don’t want to hear this.”
He nudged me with his elbow, and I opened my eyes. “Wouldn’t have asked if that were true. In case you haven’t noticed”—he blew out a breath, rubbing his short hair with his giant hand—“I care about you. A little more than what is smart, all things considered.”
His smile didn’t glow, but I appreciated it all the same. Still, I looked away as I continued, “Things aren’t good.”
“How so?”
“We don’t talk. It’s always been hard to with my mom and his dad being so controlling, but even when we do, it’s brief. And I can’t help but feel like he’s had all these chances to talk to me lately. He’s going out more, partying and seeing friends, but he chooses not to call me.”
Todd sucked air in through his teeth, and I didn’t need to look over to know he was wincing.
After a moment, I did look at him. “That’s not a good sign, right?”
He was staring across the field, lips twisting. “I don’t want to upset you, Dimples.”
My brows creased, my heart drooped. “You can say it. I already know it’s not good.”
“It’s not,” he admitted. “But it also doesn’t make a lot of sense.”
“What do you mean?” I prodded.
He was still staring forward, at nothing it seemed. “That night outside your place, he was losing his mind. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a guy with murder in his eyes because of a girl quite like that before.”
Like a slow-moving cloud crossing the sun, it cleared. “Shit.”
Todd clapped, chuckling. “Hearing you curse is always the best thing ever.”
“Shut up,” I said. “You think it’s that?” He had been different since that night. Yes, things had been going downhill before then, but they’d worsened at rapid speed since he’d found Todd outside my place, trying to kiss me.
Todd hummed, his hands spreading. “I wouldn’t be happy, but I really can’t say.”
We sat in silence until the bell rang a few minutes later, and I stewed over all the things I could’ve done differently about that night.
I should’ve apologized or apologized more. I shouldn’t have let him drop me off at home without having a proper conversation about it. I shouldn’t have gone to that party in the first place.
“Hey,” Todd said, standing with his hand outstretched for mine. After gathering my mandarin peels, I took it, then released it once I was on my feet. “You can’t beat yourself up over something I did. You might just make me feel all guilty and shit.”
I huffed, tossing my trash as we passed a can on the way to the brick building’s doors. “We can’t have that, can we?”
“Sarcasm, Dimples, really?” He feigned offense. “I’m trying here.”
I shook my head. “Sorry, I just… I really don’t know what to do.”
He was silent as we walked the halls and neared my locker. I thought he’d keep walking to his, almost jumping when he leaned in close, and said, “If you feel like you’re going down, start swinging, or you’ll always wonder if you should’ve.”
Then, with a kiss to my cheek, he wandered down the hall with his hands inside his pockets.
So swing I did, but it was hard when the person who usually took control and called all the shots decided to leave the ball in a court that was dying without the nourishment it needed to thrive. To find strength and resilience.
Jackson didn’t seem to care. More parties and more sleepless nights, yet I kept calling, kept leaving messages to remind him that I was here, that I loved him, and that we were almost there.
Raindrops splattered onto my windshield as I found a parking spot on the outskirts of school. Reaching into the back seat, I grabbed my umbrella and hurried through the parking lot to the auditorium.
It was crowded, as predicted. Teachers, parents, friends, family, and students stuffing the interior to the point of needing to strip out of the blue cardigan I’d donned.
I didn’t. There wasn’t enough room to move, which was precisely why, regardless of the fact that Mom and Heath would be here, I’d decided to come.
They wouldn’t even know if I was careful.
“Sorry,” I muttered, slipping behind an elderly couple. The husband was taller than my five feet six by a full head of curly gray hair, and so I peeked between him and his shorter wife, watching as Principal Denham handed a student their diploma and shook their hand.
Once my breath had resettled in my lungs and my heart rate had resumed its normal rhythm, I smiled.
We were graduating.
Well, I was graduating next week, but still. We’d made it. We were getting away from the restrictions this town had strapped around us.
Ten minutes later, Jackson was striding up the steps and across the stage, accepting his ticket out of here with a small grin shaping his perfect lips.
My heart danced at the sight of him, danced and sang as he adjusted his cap and joined his peers at the side of the stage.
Then it darkened as Heath stood and his ear-piercing whistle sliced through the air and my chest.
A knot formed in my throat, and I looked down at my purple suede boots, willing the tears away. I hadn’t cried over them in months, and I’d be damned if I did now.
But it killed me, drowned something vital inside me, to know they wouldn’t show up to my graduation. T
hat they would probably never clap at any success I’d found without them in my life.
When they neared the end of the alphabetized surnames, I dragged my numb feet outside and waited against the wall by the bike stands, ready to duck away if Heath and Mom exited before Jackson could.
Some type of quiet rebellion rose within as I stood there, the rain splattering the fabric of my umbrella and boots. What did I even care if they saw me? It wasn’t like I had anything to hide anymore. Anything to lose.
Besides Jackson.
But he would be leaving in a few months, and I was certain if they decided to punish him too severely, he would leave and stay with one of his friends.
I was so certain that when he appeared, running a hand through his longer, swept back dark hair, with Dash by his side, I stepped out of hiding and called his name.
Dash’s eyes widened, then lit with amusement when Jackson froze.
He stalked off, and Jackson, his expression so blank I couldn’t read it, joined me by the side of the building.
“Wil,” he said, voice low. “What are you doing here?”
I licked my lips, wanting them on his, but I settled for touching his fingertips with mine. “I had to see you graduate.”
He recoiled, tucking his hand into his slacks pocket beneath his graduation gown. “You didn’t need to,” he said.
Frowning, I stepped closer, something prickling as it slithered over my skin. “Jack, what’s going on?” It’d been a long two weeks since I’d last heard from him. Two weeks that I’d tried to shrug off because our new beginning would soon be underway.
“Jack!” Ainsley.
I blinked, my hand slipping around the umbrella handle, rain spitting onto my forehead and cheeks.
I righted it as she bounded over then halted, seemingly shocked to see me. “Oh, hey, Willa.”
I said nothing, giving my attention back to Jackson in the form of disbelieving eyes. “Jackson…”
He sighed, then looked at Ainsley. “Give me a sec?”
Nodding, she walked away, her diploma tucked close to her chest and her eyes never moving far from us.
“This isn’t okay, Willa.”