She finished washing the dishes and started to walk to the other wagon. He got up and hurried to catch her.
“Walk somewhere else please.” She quickened her steps.
“I’m sorry for what I said. I didn’t know you were there.”
“It was for the best,” she said in a chilly voice. “Now I know how you really feel. I have depended on you, and that stops now. I can do for myself. I thought I’d ask the women who became widows on this trip if I could travel with them.”
No one would agree; he knew it, and from the bleak expression on her face, she knew it too.
“You don’t have to go,” he said softly. “You cook for me, it’s an even trade.”
“Heath, I was swirling my head with dreams that have no chance of coming true. I wanted what I had, but what’s lost is lost and gone forever. I will never be a wife or mother again. Don’t worry, I’ll find my place in this world. We’ll be passing by traders and there is the fort. I’m hopeful someone will want me to work for them. Someone who sees me and not my shame.”
He stopped and allowed her to go on alone. This was his fault. He had led her to believe they could be together eventually. He even offered her a job and acted as though he’d take care of her no matter what. How was he to tell her he hadn’t meant a word he said? He just wanted everyone to stop talking about the two of them.
He groaned. Eli stood at the back of the wagon and helped her inside. She deserved better than Eli. Or maybe he was asking her to wash his clothes? Zander and he had better figure out who was going to wash theirs. He doubted Dawn would be so inclined.
Had she been afraid last night? Thankfully she hadn’t been taken again. But what about her feet? Would she take care of herself? He’d miss her smiles and how they exchanged glances, the gentle teasing and shared secrets. He’d also miss holding her when she was afraid. And he liked knowing she was asleep right above him.
What had he done? He was looking for husbands for the woman he loved. He drove her away with ugly words. He walked away. He’d make sure the wagon Harrison used was in good shape. Hopefully she wouldn’t be in the other wagon when he checked on that one too. His chest tightened and it was hard to breathe. What had he done?
He turned and walked toward Declan. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“You don’t have to. Zander did your talking for you. I thought you were falling in love. You’ve been so happy lately, and you always seek her out. I’ve never seen you as gentle as you are with her. I’m sorry for both of you.”
Heath couldn’t even look his brother in the eye. “I’m going to go pray on it.” He left before Declan could say anything else. He walked down Strawberry Creek and found a place to sit on the bank.
She’d been hit and burned and abused yet he knew he’d hurt her more than that. He’d puzzled her with Eli, but his words hit the target.
Lord, You might as well get it over with and strike me down with lightening. I’ve never gone out of my way to make someone dislike me before. I took a wounded soul and kicked it hard. I’m the one who is ashamed. She has no shame to bear. She believed it as a possibility and I confirmed it. She’s been nothing but kind to me Lord. She clearly doesn’t want to talk to me again. Why is it that you don’t know how much something means to you until it’s gone? I should have been grateful each and every day. In the end my pride got in the way. I thank You for keeping her safe last night. I have no excuse to give her. I don’t have a reason to explain to her. I will regret letting her go for the rest of my life. She should stay with the wagon. I’ll bed down with the other drovers who don’t have a place to sleep. Please forgive me, Father.
He quickly wiped his eyes. Saying sorry and asking for forgiveness were clearly two different things. One was easy enough, and the other was unbelievably scary. That was probably why people said they begged forgiveness. How was he going to do it? If he didn’t get it right the first time, there would be no second time.
* * *
Keeping her own council was lonely. She was too embarrassed to tell Cora or Luella why she was upset with Heath, so she kept herself busy in order not to dwell on it. Everything that could carry water was filled. Wagons were once again checked, and some were still were too heavy. Captain London told them that they’d lose plenty of livestock if people didn’t take better care.
Declan stood close to the wagon asking them to put as much grass as they could into the back of the wagon. Where they were going, they’d be days without water and food for the oxen. Luella, Cora, and Dawn got busy pulling as much grass from the ground as they could. Not many others were bothering. Hopefully they had lots of grain to feed the animals.
After they collected as much water as they could, Heath and Declan helped gather grass. It was so hard to ignore Heath. She wanted to be done with him but she couldn’t help herself, couldn’t keep from gazing at him. Their eyes met and held for a moment until she broke it off and turned away. She didn’t want him feeling sorry for her.
“Luella, if you’d like to sleep in the wagon I can sleep on the ground. I’m used to sleeping on the ground and I don’t want you to catch a chill.”
Luella smiled and squeezed Dawn’s hand. “You care more about others than yourself. It’s sweet, but you need to think about yourself at times. Besides Declan isn’t comfortable in the wagon. He likes lots of room.”
“I just don’t know where I belong,” Dawn whispered with a sigh. “My family is dead. I just want to find a place where I honestly belong. Not because they feel sorry for me. I’ll never marry, so I just don’t know where I belong. I think I’ll try to find a place for myself. I don’t know what that place may be.”
“Don’t you go anywhere. You’re family to us.” Luella hugged her.
Tears filled her eyes, and she struggled to blink them back. She gave her friend a smile. “Thank you.”
“We’ll be heading out in a few minutes,” Harrison announced. It’s supposed to be hard going. We’re going into the mountains toward the South Pass. I don’t want to get stuck behind the heavier wagons. Dawn, I need you to rest for the first part. We’ll need everyone to walk about midmorning.”
She nodded and swallowed hard when she realized Heath would be the one driving. She climbed into the back without help and grabbed up her Bible.
‘I can’t have children with her. People would call them all kinds of names. No child of mine will be born into shame.’ He didn’t know she’d heard that part. She couldn’t get his words out of her mind. They had engraved themselves on her heart along with ‘If I don’t get her married off and out of my life, I’ll end up responsible for her, and there is no way that is going to happen.’
She had never once asked him for anything. Never. She sat near the back of the wagon and watched people walk. She saw a few friendly smiles but by far there were more frowns. She’d heard about a few trading posts run by trappers. If they stopped she would go in and talk to the owner. He might have a few suggestions for her. She couldn’t ride into Oregon with Heath.
Why had he told her she had a place in his home? Was he the type of man who told women what he thought they wanted to hear? She’d gotten used to being mistreated. He shouldn’t have lied to her. She probably made his skin crawl.
The oxen were working harder and harder trying to pull the wagons to the South Pass. With her bible and shawl, she jumped down from the back. It was time to walk.
Where had her determination gone? What had happened to her dignity? She felt defenseless and it worried her. She’d had no idea what would happen when Swift Eagle dropped her off. She expected to be treated with kindness and maybe respected for surviving. She stood tall as she walked with her head held high. Taking a few cleansing breaths she made her face expressionless. Perhaps her best bet would be to marry one of the drovers, just not Eli. She’d take a good hard look at the available ones. There was no way she’d end up someone’s responsibility.
Her feet hurt but not as much as they had. She could tolerate the pa
in. She wished she could read and walk at the same time, but it was a rocky road. Three women she had dubbed the widows were behind her. She moved over to let them pass but they didn’t.
“We were wondering how you were getting along?” The oldest widow, Mimi Hunt asked.
“I’m fine, thank you.” Dawn didn’t turn around.
“We wanted to warn you about Eli,” Bethenia Blair said. Dawn had always admired Bethenia’s thick brown hair.
“What we’re trying to say is, he’s a drinking, no good lazy bum,” Constance Gibney finished.
“Thank you. I appreciate your warning. It’s just that I don’t have many choices. But I had already ruled Eli out. Plus if there are any you are interested in let me know. I’ll take them off my list, not that I have a list. Actually I don’t think anyone would want me. I’m thinking about leaving the train and seeing if I can find a place where I could live in peace. I’m not even sure such a place exists.”
By now Mimi was walking next to her while Bethenia and Constance were walking right behind them. “I guess we are all widows and we need to watch out for one another. It’s hard to know you need a man and the one you love is dead,” Bethenia commented.
“We just wanted you to know we understand a bit of what you are going through, and we’ve been trying to squash rumors and such. If you need anything we’re here. Mimi’s husband had built a house and then went back for her. We have a place if you need one.” Constance told her.
Dawn’s eyes watered. “That is so very kind. Thank you. I’ve been worrying with each step I take.”
“That’s why we wanted to walk with you,” Mimi told her. “Don’t worry once we get to Oregon we won’t say a word about you being passed around by the Indians.”
Dawn thought her heart would stop. Squashing rumors indeed. They just wanted new rumors to pass on. She needed her mantle to use against the insults. Holding her Bible, she shook her head. “That is very kind of you.”
“Dawn, wait up!” Luella called.
“It was a pleasure speaking with each of you,” Dawn said.
“We’ll talk more later,” Mimi promised.
Dawn stopped walking and watched the three women whispering intently. She couldn’t trust anyone. She’d had to learn the same lesson time and again but she finally understood it.
“What was walking with those three like?” Luella asked.
“They offered me a place to stay in Oregon and told me if I needed anything I could come to them.”
“That’s nice of them. I didn’t know they could be that nice,” Cora said.
“Of course they wouldn’t tell anyone in Oregon I’d been passed around by Indians.” She barely got the words out without breaking down.
“I’m sorry,” Cora said. “You have all of us.”
“Actually, I won’t be settling near you. Heath offered me a job taking care of his house and told me not to worry about the future. I was stupid enough to take him at his word. I walked back to camp and heard him telling Zander that he needed to marry me off because he didn’t want to be responsible for me. I started to run, but I turned back and heard him say he could never have children with me. They would be full of shame.”
Luella stopped walking and took Dawn into her arms, hugging her hard. “I didn’t know. I’m so sorry. I thought, well never mind what I thought.” She let go and took Dawn’s hand, holding while they walked.
Dawn saw the worried expression the other two women exchanged. She couldn’t bring herself to say anything more. She’d end up on the side of the trail weeping.
“We’ll be praying for you,” Cora said.
“That’s the only thing that will help me. Thank you.”
The walk was getting a bit steeper and the mules brayed while the oxen grunted and gave high-pitched moos. Everything was having a hard time.
“If you need someone to take Essie for you Cora, let me know. I know carrying a baby can throw your balance off.”
“Cora why don’t you walk in front of us. If you fall we’re right here,” Luella suggested.
Cora stopped and smiled. “You both are too good to me. I’ll take you up on your offer for a little while, Dawn. We’ll walk behind you.”
With the baby in her arms her determination began to come back. She was too young to give up. Maybe she could find work where there is a baby. She had so much faith, yet she couldn’t let go of all her worries and give them up to God. Maybe in time.
She didn’t need to cloak herself in any mantle when she was with her friends. Yes she did have friends. The feel of Essie against her gave her hope. It wouldn’t be easy but she would determine her own future. She was strong in mind, body, heart and faith. So much stronger than many.
How dare Heath treat her like an unwanted pet? One he fed and looked after because that was what was done with a pet. She foolishly lapped up all he had to give. No more; Swift Eagle didn’t rescue her to have a life of misery. Every scar, every burn mark were her badges of honor. She had survived while so many hadn’t. She’d survived because of her will and her quick mind. She’d survived because God had been with her the whole time and she knew it.
It was hard going but she made it to the top with the help of her friends. She handed Essie back and stood on the flat top alone. South Pass was talked about so much. She could have walked on and never known she’d crossed the Continental Divide. The view was lovely and serene. The rolling hills were welcoming. There looked to be grass further out. She bet they’d stop there for the night.
She looked up to the heavens and decided that her new life started here and now. She knew he was behind her, had sensed him come up. “Too bad it’s not steep enough to push me down. But I’ve been thrown off a cliff before.”
He didn’t say a word, and she wanted to be the one who walked away not him. She turned and sidestepped to go around him, but he blocked her. Refusing to meet his gaze, she took a deep breath and pretended to be enjoying the view.
“You’re nothing but a blackguard, and I’d appreciate it if you’d step aside. I’ve had a few offers today and I want to think them over.” She dared to meet his gaze and the pain he carried puzzled her. Looking away from him she walked away.
They traveled down the pass until they came to Pacific Springs. Everyone was in a festive mood, and by the time supper was done, she heard the first strings of music start. Soon enough she was alone but it was fine.
“Ma’am? Would you like to come dance with me? I heard the whiskey is flowing too.” Eli must have combed his hair. It looked better.
“I’m honored to be invited, Eli, bit I’m content to sit here tonight. I’m not much for whiskey.” She gave him a smile.
He nodded. His clothes were still filthy but he had tried in his way to look nice. “I understand.”
“Have a good evening.” She meant it; she did hope he had a good evening.
She thought about going to watch the others dance, but she read her Bible instead. A shadow crossed the pages, and she glanced up. Heath stood there looking as though he was the one alone in the world.
“Not a fan of whiskey either?” she asked.
“Whiskey is fine, but I’d rather dance. You made friends today.”
She almost laughed. Her lips twitched. “Yes, I was invited to live with the widows and they couldn’t wait to make all the rumors about me go away. It would have been a selfless act except they wanted the real truth from me. I’d rather get my own property and live alone than have to live with them or anyone.”
Heath sat down and stared into her eyes. “Anyone, lass? There isn’t anyone you’d trust enough to share a roof with?”
“I learned something wonderful. I learned that I am enough. I have the know how to make a life for myself. I’ll just need a rifle and I’ll have a grand life. I will wake up each morning and greet the Lord and each night I will pray before I sleep. It’ll be fine. I see you are sorry for me but I’m done with feeling bad. I never did one thing that was wrong except by force. I’v
e decided to forgive myself for I was powerless. I think I’ve proven to all that matter that I am a good woman, a shame free woman.”
“I’m so—”
“It’s not your fault your feel that way Heath. I do blame you for the lie you told me about having a job with you, but it’s better to know now.” She stood and climbed into the wagon. “Good night, Heath. Don’t worry, I won’t scratch on the floor ever again. Go dance, Heath. There are plenty of woman who would welcome you.” She cinched the canvas closed.
Leaning against the side, she put both hands over her mouth as tears flowed. At least it was done. He would always have a place in her heart.
Chapter Nine
The next day they continued on and stopped at a place called the Parting of the Ways. There was a big decision to make. Taking the Sublette Cutoff was shorter, but it was waterless. The other way was longer, but they stopped at Fort Bridger to resupply.
Heath had a meeting that morning with Harrison, and Harrison wanted to take the longer path. It was easier on the livestock. Heath was glad; he had no desire to travel through one hundred miles of sand. It seemed too big of a chance since there wasn’t water.
Heath shook his head as Tom Simps led a motley crew into the desert, including Eddie and Chuck Klass. He watched as Cora hugged her friend Sally Waverly. Rod Waverley was convinced they were going the better way.
He was surprised by the number of people who were willing to take a chance on Sublette Cutoff. They would all meet again at the Bear River. He kept turning around making sure that Dawn was going their way. A while later, he noticed she was limping. He pulled off and waited for her. At first she frowned at him, but he caught relief on her face as she climbed onto the wagon. She sat as far away from him as she could on the bench.
He hoped they would talk but she didn’t glance his way. He didn’t know what to say or do.
“The hunters have returned. It looks like they got enough food for all of us.”
Dawn’s Destiny: Romance on the Oregon Trail Book 3 Page 9