It sounded ridiculous.
I didn’t want to lie, so all I did was smile and nod.
His brow creased in bafflement, he started toward the door and laughed softly. “Okay. Well, you have fun with that.”
“I will,” I responded stupidly and when the door shut, I sighed and lowered my head onto the kitchen counter with a dull thud.
I had a feeling today would be one of those days.
“Do you ever get lonely?”
It was our first night in Denver and just as I’d been hoping, Connor arrived at my hotel room just after midnight.
“Oh, is it that time again?” Connor smiled at me and I felt ashamed for asking such an intrusive question. “Baby, does it look like I get lonely?” He smirked. “Every single day, I’ve got something lined up for me. My life’s a party that never stops. I travel the world and meet some lit people. I always got a Betty to warm my bed. Get to hang with my buds all day, every day. The entire world watches me with an eagle eye just to post pictures of my bulge on the Internet. Women wanna fuck me. Men wanna be me. I’m probably the luckiest bastard to ever live. So, to answer your question…” He took pause. “Yeah, I get lonely.” A long moment passed and we continued to look into each other’s eyes. “Do you?”
I thought about it and when I replied, my response was whisper-soft. “I think I was born lonely.”
I felt stupid for saying what I had but Connor’s eyes held an understanding to them and, in an instant, our bond grew a fraction. We were a puzzle comprised of different shapes and sizes but for a single moment, our pieces fit.
In understanding, we were perfectly matched.
I didn’t know what he was thinking. I rarely did. But I felt the need to say something to my friend. “If you’re ever feeling lonely, come find me.” I took in a breath and responded on an exhale, “We can be lonely together.”
His face became void of emotion but changed in an instant. His eyes narrowed on me. “Are you coming onto me?”
Classic Connor, unable to deal with his own feelings and emotions, curbs the truth with humor.
Today, however, I didn’t laugh and Connor noticed. His smile waned then faded to nothing and unable to look into my eyes, he twisted and focused on the ceiling.
My voice was soft. “What are you so afraid of, Connor?”
He didn’t answer for a long moment but when he did, he was not impressed. “Jesus.” His sigh was long. “Why are you so emo tonight? You on your rag or some shit? Fuck, it’s depressing.”
That was the moment I knew I pushed too hard.
Maybe I should’ve apologized but… no. Not tonight.
Instead, we lay there, side by side, in complete silence. A minute turned into two, then ten, and Connor slid off the bed with a huff, stalking toward the door. He opened it quickly and shut if softly behind him, and I immediately felt the loss of him.
The room felt bigger than it should have. It also felt colder. And I loathed it.
Time went by and I found myself up, switching off the lights and climbing under the covers with a delicate sigh. I stared up into the darkness. “Shouldn’t have pushed.”
No, I shouldn’t have. It was none of my business and Connor didn’t care about me the way I cared about him. His reaction was completely justified. I overstepped.
Tomorrow, I would apologize. Tonight, I would sleep.
My brows knitted when I heard the loud ping of my cell phone. I got up to retrieve it from where it lay charging. I opened the text and what I saw made my heart stutter.
Connor: You really piss me off sometimes, ya know that?
I closed my eyes, instantly regretting my boldness. I sat back on the bed and typed my short response.
Me: I’m sorry.
Because, what else could I say?
Time seemed to tick slower as I wait for a reply, any reply, but it didn’t seem like that was happening. I held my phone to my chest and prayed I hadn’t ruined my friendship with Connor.
Ping.
The vibration shook the valley between my breasts
Connor: You really wanna know what I’m afraid of?
My cell sounded instantly.
Connor: Everything.
His open response took me by surprise. I thought very carefully about my next text.
Me: Come back.
A single hard knock at my door startled me, and then…
Connor: I never left.
When I opened the door, I found Connor there, leaning against the doorframe. His eyes were closed, his lips thin, and he had his cell phone in his hand, smacking it into his temple, slowly. Repeatedly.
I gently grasped his wrist to stop the assault and led him back inside, into the dark. His discomfort spoke the words he couldn’t and I decided to keep the light off, leaving only the moonlight’s dull illumination coming from the open curtain.
As Connor sat on the bed, he murmured, “The fuck am I doing here?”
Beats the heck out of me.
I didn’t understand. I never understood why Connor chose to be here with me but I enjoyed our little talks, and although I would never admit it, our friendship was important to me. Connor was teaching me a lot about the harsh reality of the world. He was teaching me about real life, about trials and tribulations. He was also teaching me that life was what I made it and that it was okay to grow as a person.
As I sat on the bed, crossing my legs, I watched his silhouette. He took in a deep breath, lifted his head heavenward, and started to speak. And I let him, without interrupting.
“Before the band got big, I was living my best life. It wasn’t much but it was great. I went from paycheck to paycheck, and when times got tough and I got kicked out of one place, I knew I could couch surf until things got better. The guys have always had my back. Then we got big and, I swear to God, the first time I heard a song—our song—on the radio, I partied for a week straight, no sleep, booze and drugs, tons of sex, a week of solid celebration.”
He took a moment. “But no one tells you how it is. People start to like you, you sign bigger deals, you get paid an obscene amount and the pressure is on. I mean that. You gotta be publicized, you gotta churn out songs, and you gotta stay relevant. And, Emmy—” He sounded weary. “—it’s fucking tiring.”
That surprised me. Connor always looked like he was having a blast doing what he did.
He went on, “It’s like this. Release an album, go on tour, live on little to no sleep while groupies throw themselves at you and you fuck till your dick’s raw because it’s expected, not because you actually want to.” I heard him swallow hard. “So, when you ask me what I’m afraid of and I say everything, I’ve never uttered a truer statement in my life.” I kept my mouth shut and was gifted more. “I’m afraid of failing. I’m afraid of letting people down. I’m afraid of waking up ten years from now never having had a meaningful relationship in my life. Which is probably for the best because I know who I am and I would probably make her miserable.” He snuffled a laugh. “Somehow, I’d make her hate me. When it comes to women, I’m real good at that.” A short moment passed and, his tone quiet, he turned solemn. “I’m afraid of becoming an addict again. That one scares me the most.” A pause, then, “I’m always one weak moment away from that.”
Whoa.
I had no idea.
“I’m so tired.” He lay back and let out a drowsy, “I’m just gonna rest my eyes a sec, okay?”
My response was gentle. “Okay, sweetie.”
Not a minute later, his steady breathing told me he was asleep. Without a word, I got up and removed his shoes. When that didn’t make him stir, I tugged at the blanket, trying to work it out from under his prone body. It took a while but I got there. With a sad sigh, I climbed in beside him and pulled the covers up over us. As I did, he rolled my way, slid his hand up the front of my tank, and grasped my bare breast. Eyes wide, I put both my hands up as if I were under arrest. But Connor put his forehead t
o my chest and mumbled out a groggy, “I’m not asleep. Just resting.”
A short moment later, he was snoozing again. And I lay there, frozen.
It took me a second but gradually, my discomfort eased. As I listened to Connor’s deep breathing, I small smile took me, happy that he felt comfortable enough to be like this with me.
He was exhausted and if falling asleep with a hand on my boob were to deliver him some slight form of contentment, I would provide it for as long as he needed.
I hesitated only a second before I put one arm around his shoulders and the other at the back of his neck, gently stroking the soft hairs at his nape. Dipping my chin, I placed my lips at the crown of my head and held them there.
A thought crossed me and then I was frowning into the darkness.
To the world, Connor was a star.
But to me, he was slowly becoming my entire universe.
Chapter Fifteen
Wherever I May Roam.
Emmy
“I swear to God, if I don’t find a new pair of boots,” Cherry stated as we went through the store, “I’m ending it all. Jesus. I’m so fucking done.”
It was nice going out with The Vixens. Yes, they were big but they weren’t Left Turn. And while we still needed security to escort us through the malls and boutiques, people mainly left the girls alone. I was sure this was because they looked so vicious that people were just plain scared to approach.
Pearl whistled before throwing a pair of black leather boots Cherry’s way. She caught them easily and looked them over. “They’re not bad, just not what I want.” When Pearl frowned, Cherry spelled it out. “Think Army. Tactical.”
“So, tell me.” Beth sidled up beside me before asking as nonchalantly as possible, “Has Lee been keeping company of the female kind?”
I smiled as I picked up a pair of navy-blue Chucks. “Why so curious?”
Suddenly, she paused mid-step. “He has, hasn’t he?”
I was stunned to see the raw emotion on her face.
“I didn’t say that,” I uttered as I took the shoes and held them under my arm. But, yes, there had been women.
She moped. “You didn’t have to.”
My brow lowered. So did my voice. “What’s going on? Are you guys dating?”
Beth shook her head.
“They’re not dating.” Ettie came up from behind us. “Just screwing.”
“That’s not true,” corrected Beth. A short pause then, “We haven’t had sex.” She grinned. “Yet.”
Pearl decided to weigh in. “I keep telling her Lee’s not the guy for her. But you think she listens?” Her lips puckered. “Nope. There’s just screeching metal and dead air inside that head of hers.”
Cherry sniggered and dodged Beth’s annoyed smack.
Poor Beth. She looked desperate for somebody to understand. “You guys. You don’t get it.” Her entire body slumped. “Lee was always the nice one. He didn’t hook up with just anyone because when you hooked up with Lee, it meant something. It was because he wanted you.” She sighed long and low. “And I’ve wanted him to want me since I was fifteen years old. That’s half my damn life.”
I tried to be as gentle as possible. “Maybe he’s just not ready for you, Beth.”
“Also, just going back to something my mom told me when I was an angsty teen.” Cherry’s eyes widened momentarily before she stated, “Nobody’s gonna want the whole hog when you’re giving out franks for free.”
Beth’s eyes narrowed. “Are you serious?”
Cherry chuckled. “No, not really. No one should ask me for relationship advice.”
Beth turned to me. “What do you think?”
Me? I wasn’t qualified to answer relationship questions either. But I tried the best I could. “I think it’s important for two people to understand each other and make themselves clear. Know what you want and don’t be afraid to tell that person. If what you’re offering isn’t for them—” I threw her a meaningful look. “—then walk away because somebody is going to get hurt.” Beth seemed to consider this and I made a point. “Is having sex with Lee more important than this tour?”
Beth responded instantly. “No.” After a moment, she began to nod as if it all made sense at last. “You’re right, Emmy. I really needed to hear that.”
With a light shrug, I disclosed, “I think about you guys a lot. I mean, you’re my friends, and I swear I only have your best interest at heart. I love your brand, your sound and just between us—” I couldn’t believe I was about to say what I was. “—I hate the fact that you guys work twice as hard to get half the distance.” The feminist inside me raged for them. “It’s not fair.”
“Aw, don’t sweat it, Emmy.” Ettie grinned. “We’re huge in Turkey.”
Cherry added a proud sounding, “And Japan.”
It was baffling to me. “Then why are you guys here, opening for Left Turn and not headlining your own tour in Japan?”
Pearl shook her head. “Doesn’t work like that, babe. The label says jump and we ask ‘directly into the flames?’”
Beth smiled. “It’s not all bad, you know? We love the guys. We love touring. But,” she admitted tentatively, “it would be nice to lead for once.”
Something inside me felt what I said with such a fierce passion that it was less an opinion and more a foretelling. “Big things are coming your way. I just know it.”
Santa Fe rocked.
It was the most fun I’d had in any one place and once the show was over, we headed back to the hotel. I knew the guys likely had some obligation to attend, a club or after party as they almost always did, so I said goodnight and went straight up to my room.
The next morning, I entered the penthouse suite quietly and did my morning rounds. I poured the juice, opened the door and brought in breakfast then collected the dirty clothes each guy had left by their doors and put them in the wash.
Left Turn didn’t have a show tonight but the schedule told me they had a radio interview, so when they arose and told me they were visiting someone in Magdalena and were spending the night, I blinked at them in disbelief. “You’re abandoning me?”
Hell sipped his juice. “Abandoning is such a strong word.” I didn’t miss the way he avoided my sharp look.
From the sofa, Lee ate his breakfast and spoke around his mouthful. “Oh, c’mon, Emmy. Don’t be like that. We’ll be back by noon tomorrow.”
I stood, staring at them a long moment before placing my hands on my hips and muttering, “It’s like I don’t even know you guys.”
Noah came over. “Emmy, honey, it’s just for the night. I’m sure I mentioned it.”
Lies. I’d remember if it were mentioned.
My pout was strong. “And what am I supposed to do?”
“Enjoy a day off.” Noah simulated a smile but it wasn’t quite right.
I folded my arms across my chest. “I don’t want a day off.” Then I sulked. “I want to be with you.”
At that shy statement, three alpha males turned and smiled warmly in my direction. But I rolled my eyes. “You know what? I am going to enjoy my freedom.” Just as I moved to leave, the buzzer for the washing machine went off. “Someone better take care of that.” I threw them a cold look. “It’s my day off.” The door lightly slammed behind me.
Just as I took a step into the elevator, Connor walked out, looking sweaty from his morning workout. At my vicious scowl, his brow furrowed. “What’s up, baby?”
I hit the button and watched Connor’s confused expression fade out of sight as the doors closed.
They knew. They knew and they didn’t even tell me.
My lip curled. “Cowards.”
But they were my cowards and I didn’t want to be alone for a whole day.
A day off?
Ugh.
I could think of nothing worse.
An hour later, as I lay on my bed and wallowed in my own self-pity, a knock at the door
broke through the silence.
I didn’t even check who it was. I opened the door with a cool-sounding “What?”
Connor stood there, fighting a smile. “Aw, baby. Don’t be mad.”
I folded my arms across my chest. My brows rose as I blatantly lied, “I’m not mad.”
He stepped into my room, gently closing the door behind him, and I hated how ridiculously hot he looked, freshly showered, in his black tee, black fitted jeans and black high-top Vans. I was irritated. “Why are you here?” I threw myself on my bed, lying on my stomach, and focused on the television. “Aren’t you guys leaving soon?”
The bed depressed when he sat on it. “Not for a while.”
His hands slid up the backs of my jean-covered legs, slowly, thoroughly, until they rested on the globes of my ass. Those deft hands squeezed and my heart stuttered. I asked quietly, “What are you doing?”
He took in a deep breath, leisurely caressing my butt, then spoke on an exhale, “Wanna play?”
Yes. “No.”
Lies.
I’d wanted to play for days now.
But I was grumpy and he knew it. His low chuckle ran over every curve of my body. “Liar.” He lifted the back of my shirt an inch then pressed his full, warm lips to my lower back. “Let me make you feel good.”
I was uncertain but gave in long before my head could argue why this was a bad idea. I craned my neck to look back at him. His eyes were on me and those lips… they smiled before he licked a line across my hypersensitive flesh.
My back arched and his breath warmed my skin. “Take your pants off.” Before I had a chance to respond, Connor stood and closed the open curtains, leaving the room dimly lit. He came to stand at the foot of the bed and then his shirt was gone.
He peered down at me as he undid the top button of his jeans. I swallowed hard as he slowly lowered the zipper. When the vee of the denim opened, my eyes widened and I turned away, flushing.
My voice was hoarse. “You’re not wearing underwear.”
Oh lord. I now understood what Beth meant when she said Lee had a nice cock.
Clash Page 15