“What’s going on?” Senna asked Blake as she let him in.
“What do you mean, what is going on?” he asked. He looked at her dressed severely the way she used to dress when he first met her. But what concerned him was the sadness on her face.
“Why aren’t you dressed for church?” Senna asked.
“I am,” Blake replied.
Senna was really confused. She just stood and looked Blake over. He was dressed to go to the park, not to church. She felt like a cruel joke was being played on her and she felt heat glowing on her cheeks.
“You don’t have to dress up at our church. What you wear isn’t important. Everyone is just themselves,” Blake said.
Senna was trying to reconcile what Blake had just said with what she knew church to be, and she couldn’t. More contradictions that frustrated her.
“We have plenty of time. Why don’t you go back into your bedroom and change into something else that you will feel comfortable in?” He brushed back a stray hair that had escaped the bun, “And if you don’t mind, would you wear your hair down? I really like it that way.” He smiled and bent down to kiss her.
Oh my, he had such a way with her, she thought. She went back into her bedroom, shut the door, and threw off the suit and pulled the bun out of her hair. She didn’t understand, but she would not argue about this.
Fifteen minutes later, Senna emerged with a cute spring dress and her hair down. She had even taken the time to put on a little makeup. When she walked out of her room, she knew by the look on Blake’s face she had made the right choice.
Anxiety and confusion surged once again when they pulled up into the parking lot of a very large building that looked nothing at all like a church. Blake’s casual demeanor went a long way to helping calm Senna’s nerves, but waves of nausea kept washing over her. She had wondered what rituals they demanded that she wouldn’t know.
Right before getting out of the car Senna reach across and stopped Blake from getting out. “I won’t know what to do,” she said with worry, almost in tears.
“You don’t have to do anything, just enjoy it. If I think there is something you need to know, I’ll tell you. I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable,” Blake said and smiled.
As they walked up to the door, there were others going in. As Senna watched them quietly, they all seemed happy and greeted each other with hugs and pats on the back. There were two people standing at the door welcoming everyone in. When one grabbed her hand and shook it, she felt awkward, but mumbled “hello”.
She felt Blake’s hand on the small of her back. It was reassuring as it guided her where to go. They stopped just inside the sanctuary door. Blake scanned the room and when he saw Andrea, they headed that way.
Andrea was excited to see Senna and scooted down to provide them easier access to the two seats she had saved. Andrea was dressed in blue jeans, too. Suddenly Senna felt overdressed.
Senna was enthralled by the room and the people in it. She resisted the urge to just gawk around at everything. There were people milling about and chatting. They were dressed in various ways. There were a few people dressed formally, yet others even had shorts and T-shirts on! No one seemed to care. It didn’t seem to matter to them.
One thing they all seemed to have in common, though, was that they were all smiling and seemed very happy; not only that, but happy to be here.
The lights dimmed slightly and out on the stage walked a few people who picked up various instruments and microphones. She didn’t realize there would be a performance, no it wasn’t a performance, they were the song leaders, she thought.
TV screens above and on each side of the stage lit up and music played. Everyone stood and sang the words to songs she had never heard, the words of which were displayed on the screens. Some people were clapping, and some were raising their hands. Senna gripped the back of the seat in front of her so tightly that her knuckles became white. She didn’t know these songs.
Senna felt Blake’s hand slip around her waist from behind. She knew he wanted to comfort her. She tried to sing along, quietly, since she didn’t know the melodies. By the third song she had relaxed somewhat. The words and the music felt good. They were positive words about a loving God, not unlike the hymns she had sung as a child, but these were sung so differently by this congregation.
She concentrated on reading and thinking about the words of that third song.
...You’ve known me forever and loved me even longer
You sing to me... You sing over me... You are my lullaby,
Your loving light brings warmth to my soul.
You breathe life into me... You breathe life over me... You are my breath,
Your loving light brings warmth to my soul.
When I fail... When I fall short...You’ve already caught me...
The words spoke of God as a loving Father who had known her from before she was born. When the chorus portion began tears involuntarily flowed down Senna’s cheeks. The words and music spurred such emotion inside of her that she was not able to explain it or contain it.
...Oh how my heart aches with your love, you’re like honey to my soul
You left all for me, for I am the one, not the ninety-nine.
I failed, and you pursued me, I fell and you caught me,
You left it all for me, for I am the one, not the ninety-nine...
She thought she had never really felt God’s love before and questioned it’s existence. All those times she had sung about it when she was young it was just lip service, singing about a God she had never really known.
...You left it all for me, for I am the one, not the ninety-nine...
Her whole life she had been working hard to earn it, validation, love, acceptance from God and man. From her father. This song says that He pursued me even when I failed, He loved me from the beginning.
It occurred to Senna it might be embarrassing Blake that her face was wet with tears, but, surprisingly, she didn’t care. She couldn’t have stopped them even if she’d tried.
But then the music was winding down and as she sat down, she saw Andrea’s hand reach across Blake to her handing her a box of tissues. She noticed there were boxes everywhere underneath the seats. Suddenly she wasn’t so embarrassed any more.
She wiped her cheeks and sat down. The musicians had left the stage and a nice-looking man in blue jeans, walked onto the stage. He talked some about the songs they had just sung and how true the lavish love of the Father truly was. He welcomed the pastor to the stage and sat down.
The only father she had ever known was a mean and hard man. If she were to compare and call God Father, then how could she want a God like that? The only love she felt she had known was her Gran’s love. Was it possible that it was God’s love coming to her through her Gran?
The pastor looked to be in his forties, Senna thought. He, too, was dressed casually. He had a good natured way about him and it was easy to listen to his words. He spoke about God in a way that Senna had never heard. He said that God had come to give life to us and that above all else He desired a relationship with us.
Senna was surprised when he said Jesus had come to destroy religion such as the Pharisees and Sadducees practiced. He explained how religion was an enemy of God and prevented a relationship with His people, His children.
Throughout the entire sermon, Senna sat transfixed until near the end when she felt nauseous and then had a sharp pain pierce through her gut. It was so intense that it took her breath away. As the pastor continued to speak, it stabbed harder and harder.
In just a few seconds Senna slumped over and passed out. Blake was immediate in his response with Andrea there by his side. The ushers were discrete as Blake tried to revive Senna. When she would not respond, he picked her up and carried her out to the foyer and laid her on one of the sofas.
After several minutes, the paramedics which had been called pulled up and Senna had still not awakened. Her pulse was good and all her vital signs were on target.
They loaded her up and rushed her to the nearest hospital. Blake went with her in the ambulance with an agreement from Andrea that she would meet them at the emergency room.
All the way there, Blake held Senna’s limp hand and prayed as tears fell from his eyes.
~~~
The fitful night had done nothing to ease Carrie’s pain. The lack of pain meds or ibuprofen locked her into a painful existence. The morning light did not find her feeling refreshed, only more battle worn.
The night before, she had found that taking a deep breath and holding it in would allow her just enough stability to attempt to tear an old sheet into strips with minimum pain. It was the best she could do to support her broken ribs.
Even though there was no electricity, there was water, so before wrapping herself she stripped down and took a shower. The hot water tank which was fueled from gas in the propane tank, gave her hot water which felt soothing against her skin.
Carrie would have liked to have scrubbed her entire body but the inability to move forced her to be satisfied with just standing under the fresh hot water. It felt like heaven to her. She gasped as she squeezed the old shampoo bottle in an effort to relinquish a tiny blob of the gelled substance into her hand.
The hot water ran out way too soon. Carrie shut the water off and pulled a bath towel around herself. Exhaustion surged through her and she felt dizzy. Sitting on the edge of the toilet seat with the mental fog fully gone from her mind, bits and pieces of the night before claimed her memory. As she sat there, fresh waves of shame and guilt washed over her.
It was chilly in the cabin so she pulled the towel tighter around herself and walked slowly to the bed. Sudden unexpected pain would shoot through her about every fifth step and she would have to stop and recover until it passed. Needless to say, her progress was slow and painful.
Drying herself off the best she could, she picked up the sheet she had torn into strips. It was challenging trying to wrap herself. The pain made it hard to breathe, and the exertion exacerbated the pain even more.
Finally she was done and was dressed in an old sleep shirt she’d kept there. She wanted more than anything to just curl up in the bed and sleep for days on end, but she knew tomorrow she would need her clothes and she didn’t want to wear them soiled as they were.
So she mustered a little more energy and took her clothes into the kitchen to wash them in the sink. Having filled one lantern when she’d come back in from the shed she carried it with her from room to room.
In the kitchen, she did her best to clean up the broken glass, not wanting to cut herself yet again. As she gently squatted to look for dish soap under the sink tears rolled down her cheeks. The peaceful solace this cabin had once held was now obliterated with fresh and painful memories.
With as little movement as she could manage, she hand-washed her clothes in the kitchen sink. She didn’t have the strength to ring them tightly but did what she could and draped them across the backs of the kitchen chairs.
Finally done with all she felt she could do, she’d gone back to the bedroom and gently laid her body on the bed. Exhaustion consumed her more than it had any other time in her life. The exhaustion was complete, not just consuming her physical body but her soul as well.
Carrie reflected on all that had happened as she woke up that morning. It was Sunday and no one would be looking for her and there was no place she had to be. She realized that the work she’d done for so many years in order to isolate herself from others had been thorough. There was no one.
Part of her wanted to stay hidden in this little cabin away from everyone, away from the shame and humiliation that now enveloped and consumed her.
To come out into civilization meant having to face her demons. She would have to tell others how she came to be in such a mess. She had never felt so broken and alone, literally. Fresh waves of shame and guilt washed over her yet again.
Lying on the floor last night she’d had to make a decision to live, or had that decision been made for her? She hadn’t died even though she lay there willing herself to do so. So what did that decision mean? In order to live, she knew she had to make drastic changes in her life and she knew she couldn’t do it alone.
But the truth was, she didn’t have anyone. Her partner Randy was the closest person to her and he could barely stand her right then. Her parents were gone and with no siblings, there was no family.
Since her parents’ death she had made it a practice to never make true friends. She would befriend people only to keep them at arms-length. It had just felt safer that way.
There was always AA. Was that true recovery though? she wondered, or just kicking the inevitable can down the road? Those she had known who had gone to AA never seemed truly free, and she didn’t know if she wanted a place where she was always talking about the problem. She wanted a way to get past the problem.
It was still early and Carrie decided she would get some more sleep. She doubted her clothes would be dry yet, anyway.
It seemed no easier to swing her legs over the side of the bed and raise herself up. As she worked her way to a standing position, she felt the stiffness of having laid still for so long crush her body. She thought that maybe she felt a little better than the night before, but only slightly.
She needed go to the bathroom. She then turned her clothes over to help them dry on both sides. It was then all she could do to shuffle to the bedroom and lie back down to sleep for a while longer. It would be a long walk down the road and it would be slow going in her condition; therefore, she wanted to make sure she left in plenty of time before it got dark again.
Sleep came again, but not before memories of the night before crept in and invaded her thoughts, giving her an even deeper resolve that her life would be different from this moment on.
~~~
Senna’s ambulance made it in record time. She still had not woken up when they arrived at the emergency room. Blake was genuinely worried.
The paramedics had been great. They were efficient and attentive and had asked Blake a few questions to help determine their course of action and what to relay to the hospital who had waited on alert for their arrival.
The antiseptic smell of the hospital hammered home the truth of what was happening as Blake walked through the automatic doors. He was in shock that his vibrant and healthy Senna was being ushered by doctors and nurses into the deep recesses of the emergency room.
Another shattering reality hit him when trying to answer the questions the nurses were presenting him. He did not know Senna as well as he thought he did.
He told them everything he knew, but she’d said nothing to him about feeling bad. She’d just doubled over a few times and then collapsed. It had all happened quickly.
By the afternoon they had her in a room with all types of monitors. She was breathing well on her own so no breathing assistance was required. No one seemed to have any idea why she was not waking up.
The sterile atmosphere of the hospital was wearing on Andrea as she sat with Blake. When afternoon turned to evening Andrea brought up the fact to Blake that Senna had gone to see Dr. Specter on Friday afternoon and wondered if she had said anything to him about it.
The look on his face told her everything. First there was surprise, then his eyes darted searching his memory for something he must have missed, but there was nothing. He was surprised that she’d already had an appointment because she hadn’t mentioned it at all.
“I can’t believe she didn’t say anything about it to me,” said Blake.
“She’s very self-conscious about it,” replied Andrea. “You know she is a medical doctor, a psychiatrist, but a medical doctor? Do you think there is any light she could shed on this?” asked Andrea hopefully.
He wiped his hand across his face and sat back in his chair. He had no idea. He didn’t see how she could, but he was willing to try anything. Andrea still had the doctor's information in her email on her phone. She flagged down Senna’s nurse and gave her the inform
ation. The nurse agreed to tell the doctor and put it in her file.
When evening came with no change, Blake and Andrea were bored and at a loss what to do next. They had taken turns getting coffee and taking bathroom breaks. Neither one wanted to leave her completely alone, but both were growing more exhausted by the moment.
Around nine o’clock, a nice-looking lady knocked quietly before entering the room. “I am Dr. Marion Specter. The hospital called me. Can you tell me a little about what happened?”
For what seemed like the millionth time Blake and Andrea gave a detailed account of the day’s events to the doctor. She sat taking notes and listening quietly.
“I can’t share what Senna and I discussed in our session, but honestly it was very little since it was only our first hour. You have both shared much more with me about Senna than I knew before.
“It seems from what you have told me that a lot of her father’s abuse stemmed from his strict religious beliefs. It may just be possible that while she was in church, it brought back such a wave of emotional pain and conflict it traumatized her all over again. If that is the case, I believe she will wake up on her own again, in time.” The fact that Dr. Specter was a compassionate person was evident to both Blake and Andrea. They listened intently as the doctor spoke.
“Did we cause this, this trauma by taking her to church with us?” Blake couldn’t have felt worse. The thought that he might have been to blame for Senna’s episode was overwhelming.
“It is possible, but you shouldn’t blame yourself. With the depths of her abuse, it was a ticking time bomb. It could have happened at any time. Feel comforted that she was with both of you when it did.”
“Thank you,” said Andrea.
“I will talk with her doctor and see if he has any suggestions. It may shed new light on her situation,” said Dr. Specter. “I’ll check back in on her in the morning. Let me suggest to you that you both go home and get some rest. The nurse has your contact info, so if she wakes up they will call you. She will need both of you strong and rested when she wakes up.”
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