Skyler smiles, reaching out to rub my elbow. “That’s understandable. We all want to be loved for who we are. But the truth is… you’re going to lose people as you grow. A lot of them. Friends, family, people who you thought would be a part of your story forever. The older we get, the less we give a shit about what other people think, and the more we start coming to terms with who we are, what we want, what we stand for.” Skyler shrugs. “It’s natural to lose people in that process.”
I nod, sniffing. “I guess I just believed Grayson. When he said he was sorry, that he wanted to be friends… it felt like getting a second chance. Like I could have Adam and Grayson both.”
“Sounds like a lot of work to me,” Skyler says. “To be devoted to your boyfriend and also friends with your ex.”
I blink. “God, it sounds so stupid when you say it like that.”
“It’s not stupid,” Skyler says gently. “But it was maybe a lapse in judgment. It was acting on the desire to hold onto something in the past, rather than to embrace a new and brighter future.”
“A future I blew to smithereens,” I say on a sigh.
“Talk to him.” Skyler stands, squeezing my shoulder. “Go for a walk, take a shower, and make a plan. Figure out a way to reach him even when he doesn’t want to be reached. Because I promise you, he’s just as miserable as you are right now. If there’s anything I know about Adam, it’s that he loves you more than he loves himself. More than he loves Alpha Sigma. More than he loves anything in this world.” She smiles. “He doesn’t want to lose you, either, Cassie. You guys just have to get out of your own way and stop the bullshit.”
“Such wise and kind words of advice,” I remark with a grin.
“Feel free to leave a tip in the jar.” Skyler winks, patting my arm once more before she leaves me alone with my thoughts — the very ones that have plagued me since the night Adam walked away from me.
God, I’m so thankful for Skyler.
The universe knew what it was doing when it placed us together as Big and Little. I smile, thinking back to the first night we met, that night by the reflection pond when I was torn between which sorority to choose as my home. And now, we were about to be the only two left out of our little group of five. Erin, Lei, and Jess would all be graduating in just a few short weeks.
Everything is about to change.
And it only makes me want to hold onto her and Adam even tighter.
My chest squeezes, because I know Skyler is right — about everything. I know this is a mess that I made. And I know it’s on me to figure out how to clean it up.
When it comes to Adam, there’s only one way I can think of that I might be able to reach him.
I just hope he’ll let me in.
BECCA SOUNDS A LITTLE like the teacher in the Charlie Brown cartoons I used to watch with Carleton as a kid.
I know she’s saying shit I need to hear. I know I should be latching on to every word, nodding, letting her know I hear her and I understand what she’s saying.
But I can’t.
Everything feels distant, foggy, like I’m on a cloud of having an out-of-body experience as I sit next to her on the bench by the reflection pond. It’s hot and muggy and so far from what December was as a kid growing up in Pennsylvania. It doesn’t feel like Christmas is around the corner. It doesn’t feel like winter.
And it definitely doesn’t feel like Becca is breaking up with me.
But she is.
And I can’t even find the words to try to convince her not to.
“Are you even listening to me at all right now?” she asks, waving her hand in front of my face before she lets it fall to her thigh with a slap. She sighs, sitting back on the bench, shaking her head with her eyes on the pond. “I don’t know why I’m surprised.”
“I’m listening.”
“Mm-hmm.”
I turn to her then, pinning her with my gaze. “What more do I really need to hear past the part of this conversation where you said you don’t want to be with me anymore?”
Becca swallows, eyes softening, her eyebrows tugging together to meet in the middle of her forehead. “You do realize I don’t want to break up with you, right?”
“Not what it seems like right now.”
“What choice have you given me?” She throws up her hands, exhausted. “Bear, that Friendsgiving shit… that was the most embarrassing moment of my life. My roommate and my best fucking friend hang out with you for the first time — this guy I’ve been telling them I’m so head over heels for — and you show your ass being possessive over some other girl.” She holds her hand out like she’s serving me my own ass on a silver platter. “Do you see how this is a problem?”
“I wasn’t being possessive.”
To that, she only scoffs and crosses her arms, tonguing her cheek when she tears her eyes from me and focuses on the pond again. “Unbelievable.”
Shame and guilt sizzle in my chest, like I’ve just thrown my heart on a grill. I know it’s a lie just as much as she does. But I refuse to admit it, because if I admit it to her, I’d have to admit it to myself.
That I care about Erin.
That I care about her as more than just a friend.
That I can’t stand to see her with someone else, even if I’m with someone else.
That until I work through my feelings with her, I can’t be with anyone.
I keep my mouth shut, zipping my lips tight in an effort to keep all those thoughts hidden forever. I’d rather die with them buried inside me than live with them out in the open.
“Look… maybe you should go home for the holidays. Work things out with your family. With yourself,” she adds, turning and waiting for me to look at her before she continues. “And then, maybe, we can talk about being together when you get back. But I don’t want to be with you if your heart belongs to someone else, Bear. That’s not fair to me or to her. So… if you want her, maybe you should tell her that.”
My stomach sinks so violently that I nearly retch, because I care for Becca so much that it makes me physically ill to think she can see right through me, that I can hurt her so badly without even meaning to.
“I want you, Becca,” I say, voice cracking.
“I know. But you love her,” she says matter of factly, with a shrug in her shoulder. “And as long as that is true, you can’t have me.”
I suck in a stiff breath, shaking my head as emotion strangles me from the inside. My chest is tight, my jaw thick with tension, my knee bouncing uncontrollably.
I have to stop her.
But I can’t.
She’s right.
But I can’t admit it.
Slowly, Becca leans over, wrapping her arms around my neck. She presses her lips to my cheek, and I close my eyes at the contact, savoring what I know will be our last touch.
“You’re a good man, Bear,” she whispers. “But you can’t keep running and hiding from your truths.”
When she pulls back, it’s with a sniff and a swipe of her hand over her cheek to wipe away her tears. I wish it was my hand wiping them away, but it’s not me who gets to comfort her anymore.
I’m not sure I ever really did.
She doesn’t say another word. The goodbye doesn’t ever come. She just stands and bolts, her feet carrying her quickly away from me as I watch her go.
I let out a gasp, one that I can’t replace with my next inhale. I’m trying to get oxygen into my lungs and failing every time. Scrubbing my hands back through my hair, I let out a loud, lung-collapsing scream that echoes across campus.
And once again, I am alone.
I somehow make it back to my room at the Omega Chi house.
I somehow manage to peel my damp clothes off, the ones I sweated through, and drag myself into the shower.
And when I finally collapse into my bed, I somehow pull out my phone.
And I call Erin.
My heart is in my throat as the line rings, over and over, again and again, with no answer. I hang u
p when her voicemail clicks on, immediately redialing her number.
“Please,” I beg, rolling my lips between my teeth. “Please pick up, Erin.”
When her voicemail clicks on again, I sigh, sitting up and moving to the edge of my bed. My legs dangle over, and I stare at my bare feet, waiting for the tone.
“Erin,” I say when it clicks, and just saying her fucking name has that same tight emotion gripping my throat. I let out a shaky breath, and with it, anything else I could have said.
Please, I need you.
Come over.
Help.
Instead, I hang up, and dial Skyler.
It takes less than five minutes for her to show up at my door, and she doesn’t knock. She just pushes through it, kicks off her sandals and climbs into bed with me.
Usually, it’s me curling around her, or holding her to my chest, but this time when she climbs over me, she drags my back to her chest and wraps her tiny arms around me as best she can.
Never in my life have I ever been the little spoon, and I almost laugh out loud at the stupidity of it.
But that laugh comes out as a sob.
And with it, I break.
Skyler doesn’t try to shush me as I fall apart. She doesn’t try to control my shaking body in her arms or my piercing wails as they rip through the quiet night around us. And if any of my brothers hear me — which I’m almost certain they do — they’re wise enough to stay away, to not ask, to pretend like they didn’t hear a thing.
For the first time since I was a kid, I cry myself to sleep.
Skyler is still there holding me in the morning.
“YOU CAN DO THIS,” Skyler assures me on the phone as I press the button that will take me up to Brandon’s penthouse.
“You sure about that?”
“He loves you, Lei. Remember? He’s not going to walk away from you.”
I sigh, leaning my head back against the elevator wall and praying the call doesn’t drop on the way up. I need Skyler’s voice to keep me calm. “I’m such a fucking handful. Why would he stay? After what happened in the spring… and now this…”
“This was not your fault. And dating your boss is not a crime, however taboo it may be.”
I shake my head. “I’m trying to put myself in his shoes, if he came to me with this. And I gotta say… I wouldn’t be happy.”
“Look, he might be mad, okay? He might be hurt. But, again, he loves you. He’s not going anywhere. You two are a team, and you’ll figure this out together. Right?”
Silence.
“Lei, I need you to say it.”
I sigh. “Right.”
The elevator dings, and I force a slow exhale. “I’ll call you after.”
“You’ve got this,” she says again, and then I end the call just as the elevator doors open.
Brandon’s penthouse is unlike any place I’ve ever been in my life. The first time he brought me here, I had stood in this very elevator and gaped at the expansive space for what felt like an hour while he watched me and chuckled to himself.
The skyrise is right on the bay, with floor-to-ceiling windows that overlook Miami’s beaches and beautiful teal water. His floors are a polished white marble, and the exposed air ducts and concrete give it an industrial feel like a New York apartment, but with the elegance and heat of Florida. He’d hired an interior designer to bring his vision to life, which was to make the entire place feel like an art museum. And it’s not just the breathtaking art that decorates the walls. Each piece of furniture, each vase, each light fixture — every single aspect of the apartment is art.
And as soon as you walk in, you’re part of the show, too.
Tonight, with the soft glow of candles and the fireplace in the center wall where the sitting room is, you can’t even see the beaches or the water at all. Instead, it’s dark outside the windows, save for the few boats in the distance.
And Brandon is sitting on the couch in front of the fire, scotch in hand, his eyes watching the flames and one ankle crossed over his knee.
It’s Friday evening, so it doesn’t surprise me that he’s still in the same chocolate dress slacks and ice-blue button up that he wore at the office today. Even on casual Friday, the man always dressed to impress.
He was the boss, after all.
“Hey,” I say tentatively, setting my purse on the kitchen counter before I make my way over to him.
I seem to shake him out of a spell, and he looks up at me with glazed eyes, accepting the kiss I bend to press on his lips.
“Thanks for letting me come over,” I say, folding my hands in my lap once I’m seated next to him.
He nods, but otherwise doesn’t say a word, his eyes back on the flames of the fire. I can’t blame him for drinking and avoiding eye contact. After all, who responds well to the dreaded words…
We need to talk.
I sigh. “Brandon, something happened that I need you to know about. And it’s going to sound crazy, but you have to believe—”
“I already know.”
My mouth is still open, ready to recite the speech I’d practiced with Skyler all week — the one where I explain how Sophie had been quietly hitting on me, how she’d plotted out a way to get me alone, how she’d kissed me and made sure to get it on film. I was fully ready to get him prepared and on my side, ready to fight her attempt to take me down.
But those words are all stuck in my throat now, and confusion sweeps over me instead.
“What?”
“You and Sophie made out,” he said, taking a sip of his scotch and hissing through his teeth.
“Um…” I think I’m in shock. I think my heart might actually give out. “Well, that’s not exactly what happened, but—”
“It’s not?” Brandon challenges, his eyes finding mine. “Because I saw the video, and I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what happened.”
Confusion turns to defensiveness in my chest as his scowl deepens, and I frown right back. “Why do I feel under attack right now?”
“Oh, I don’t know. Maybe because you kissed our intern? Maybe because you cheated on me? Maybe because you waited over a week and until I already knew to tell me about it?”
My jaw drops. “Okay, first of all, she kissed me. I did not kiss her. And I certainly didn’t cheat on you.”
“No? What is it called when you kiss someone who isn’t your boyfriend?”
I grind my teeth together, heart racing in my chest. “I didn’t kiss—”
“Goddamnit, Ashlei,” he yells, standing and slamming his glass onto the coffee table. What’s left of the amber liquid inside sloshes out onto the wood, and Brandon threads his hands over his head, pacing until he’s staring out the massive windows over the dark beach.
I just watch him, breath shallow, mind racing trying to catch up.
“I saw the video,” he says quietly, turning to face me as his hands slowly come down. “She might have made the move. She might have been the one to lean in. But let me tell you, I’ve been in that position — when a woman makes a move on me that’s unwanted. And what I do in those situations and what you did are vastly different. I pull away. I quickly tell them they are out of line. I remind them I’m happily taken, and that they need to respect my boundaries.”
“I did the same thing. I told her to stay away from me, I asked her what the hell she was doing.”
“After you kissed her and grabbed her blouse and moaned like your panties were fucking soaked.”
I blink, over and over, my mouth hanging open.
Brandon just shakes his head, turning back toward the window. “We don’t have anything to discuss. I took care of it.”
“Took… took care of it?”
“Sophie came into my office earlier this week and showed me the video,” he says, turning to look me in the eyes when he nails me with those words. “She knew what she was doing. She wanted to blackmail you, to blackmail me. She said it was sexual harassment and that I had until the end of the week to fire you a
nd hire her, or she’d blast it to every news station in the city.”
I stand, picking up the nearest pillow and chucking it across the room. “That little bitch!”
Brandon just holds up his hands, closing his eyes and forcing a breath like I’m a petulant little child he’s highly annoyed with. “Like I said, it’s handled.”
“How?”
“Well, lucky for you, we record every call our interns make. I had MyKayla scrub all her calls to see if she could find something, and though Sophie might be cunning, she’s also conceited. And she told her entire plan to one of her friends on her work cell.”
I smirk. “Stupid cunt.”
Brandon watches me for a long moment, like he can’t believe me, like he doesn’t know who it is standing in his living room at all.
“So, she has nothing,” I say.
“She has nothing,” he echoes. “I played the call for her and told her if she left quietly, I’d write her a letter of recommendation.”
“What?” I shake my head, crossing the room to where he is. “Why would you do that?”
“To save your ass!”
My head snaps back at his words, but he’s already turned away from me, scrubbing his hand over his face with his eyes focused somewhere on the water.
I sigh, closing my eyes. I knew this was going to suck, and I was right. Still, relief washes through me that Brandon handled it.
I don’t know why I’m surprised, why I ever thought he wouldn’t.
We’re a team, just like Skyler said.
Wrapping my arms around his waist, I rest my cheek on his back, holding him to me. “I’m so sorry this happened. Thank you for handling it.”
It’s quiet after that but for the crackling of the fire, and I take what feels like my first breath in ages.
“Well, now that that’s over with,” I say, rounding until I’m standing between him and the window. I thread my arms around his neck, kissing his chin. “Are you ready for your first sorority event tomorrow?” I chuckle. “The girls are going to lose their shit when you show up to semi-formal.”
Ritual: A New Adult College Romance (Palm South University Book 5) Page 24