“It’s not stressful to be living with someone while you’re dealing with this when you’re used to being on your own?”
Trace better watch himself. Some of his questions almost make me feel like I’m doing something wrong. Or as if Julie isn’t good for me.
“Yeah, it’s stressful; she knows that. We’re learning how to make it work. I’m not closing her out, but I’m taking space if I need to.”
“That’s good,” he replies with approval. “Just be sure you’re constantly talking her through it and that she knows what’s going on and what you need. How are you feeling about this time off?”
My shoulders slump. “I hate it. Hockey is everything to me and now I don’t have it because my head is fucked up. But I’ll do whatever it takes to get it back.”
The rest of my forty-five-minute session passes by like a quick breeze. I’m pretty surprised by the end of it. I didn’t feel as if I was in therapy; for the most part, it felt as if I was simply having a conversation with someone. I even feel a little better as I leave, not that I’ll ever tell anyone.
Well, maybe Julie.
Maybe this won’t be so bad after all.
Maybe, just maybe, I can do this after all.
Julie perches on the edge of the couch when I walk into the apartment. Her face asks about thirty million questions while her mouth stays silent.
“How did the interview go?” I ask, sitting next to her. Marmalade jumps onto my lap, purring as he rubs against my chest.
“Fine. I’ll hear back by the end of the week.” Her eyes are wide as they watch me with so much interest and worry. I should end her suffering before she goes overboard.
“He’s a Rebels fan,” I blurt out. Okay. Not sure why I wanted to say that first, but okay. “His wife is a bigger fan, but they plan to get season tickets next year.” Julie frowns. “What is it, Jules?”
“Is that what happened in therapy? You talked shop?”
“No.” I shrug. “We talked a little about everything. It’s just crazy that out of all the people who could be my therapist, it had to be a fan.”
Julie watches me for a minute or so. “It went well, then?”
“As well as expected. I see him again next week.” That answer does little to satisfy her. “I don’t think I’ll hate it, okay?” That’s really what she wants to know. Whether this is something I might can deal with or something that will stress me out further.
She smiles wide. “Good. I’m happy to hear it.” Julie snuggles into my side as close as she can possibly get. “Everything will work out. You’ll feel better and be back on the team in no time.”
Yeah, let’s hope so.
“What are the guys on the team saying?” I ask later that night at dinner. Cal joined us, for better or for worse.
“Nothing.”
My fork stops midway to my mouth. “Nothing? Nothing at all?”
“Nope.”
That doesn’t make any sense. Not after the ordeal my last day there.
“Hayes told everyone you needed time off for personal business and he’d cut the balls off of anyone who was gossiping or shit like that. I tried to joke that you were obviously the favorite and he even gave me a warning look. No one is willing to say shit because of him. I mean, I’m your brother and I’ve been banned.”
“If only we could ban you completely,” Julie grumbles.
“Now that was uncalled for,” Cal objects.
I ignore them both. “Is it better or worse that he’s being like that?” I ask Cal, who shrugs in return.
“Could be a good thing. He’s made everyone realize that whatever it is, it’s serious and not to be joked about. That will help when you get back and tell everyone why you were out.”
“Who said I would be doing that?” The thought in itself horrifies me.
My stupid brother rolls his eyes. “I am. You can’t miss all this time and expect the team not to ask questions. I think for trust reasons you should tell them. It won’t be a big deal. And then, everyone can—”
“Can what? Watch me like a hawk to see when I’ll break down next? I don’t think so, Cal.”
He levels a stare at me and I know he’s about to challenge what I said. “What if the team makes you?”
“They can’t. It’s medical information; it’s confidential.” Thank god I have that going for me.
“Fine. What if they suggest it? You’ll say no and leave the people we’re closest to wondering what in the fuck happened with you? You’re being selfish, Collin. The team can potentially help and be there for you and you’re refusing based on your own pride.”
Pride? He thinks this is about pride?
“It doesn’t have anything to do with pride,” Julie steps in. “Would you want me to share with your teammates how you abandoned me because you thought I was pregnant?” Cal’s eyes widen and his jaw drops. “You didn’t want a baby to interfere with hockey like Collin doesn’t want his anxiety to do the same thing. You don’t want your teammates to know what you did, based on your own shame, just like Collin doesn’t want his teammates to know that he suffers. He thinks it is private, just like I bet that’s what you think of that situation. He doesn’t have to share if he doesn’t want to and the last person who should be pressuring him is his own brother.” She takes a bite out of a fry and ignores the stares from the both of us.
All I got out of that was the word shame. “I’m not ashamed.” Julie rolls her eyes, causing me to look at my twin. “Right?”
“Do you think you could still be a role model to kids if they knew?” Julie asks before he can answer. “If the answer is no, then you’re ashamed.”
I could be a role model, but I don’t know that I’d be a good one. Cal glances back and forth between us for a moment.
“She’s a lot more vocal than I remember, and she was vocal before,” he says as if she’s no longer in the room with us.
“Perks of learning and growing after being treated like shit,” Julie comments nonchalantly. She stands, takes all the empty dishes, and leaves us at the bar.
I watch her start a load of dishes, not really wanting to think about what she said. Any of it. If she’s right, that’s one more issue I need to work on and fix. I have enough problems as it is.
“The guys are getting together soon and I’m supposed to make sure you come.”
Cal brings my attention back to him. “Just the team or family?”
“Family.” His gaze drifts to Julie and he frowns. “Julie has already made headlines with the spouses and for some reason, they want to meet her. And Hook said he still expects to see you for the morning runs and workouts.”
This is the part that sucks about taking time off without an actual injury. I still have to stay in the best shape as possible. There’s nothing stopping me from being on the ice or working out. It would be stupid not to keep my body going as much as I can. But it’ll be hard being with the team and not actually being with the team.
“A few of the guys said they’d come early or stay late to scrimmage with you on the ice to keep your legs somewhat fresh.”
Julie suddenly whirls around, flinging suds off the dishrag she’s holding, and throws her hands up. “Is this all y’all talk about? Hockey? All you’re going to do is stress him out more, Cal. Surely y’all talk about something other than the game.”
Cal and I exchange a look. Hockey is pretty much it for us these days.
“Unbelievable!” Julie throws the dishrag in the sink, sending water everywhere, and storms off to our bedroom.
“A lot more dramatic, too,” he mutters.
I laugh. “She’s stressed.”
“Who isn’t?”
“Everything okay?” I ask, wondering if I’ve been too caught up in my own life and missed something going on in Cal’s.
He nods. “I’m heading home. Good luck with her.” He nods toward my bedroom and off he goes.
I’ve survived my first official day without the team. That counts for something.
I feel relatively okay about things, too.
Until I’m dumb enough to check the latest articles and see I’m one of the buzzing topics. Some folks run with what the team announced and leave it at that. Then, of course, there are the folks who insinuate this is something more. Something to do with my bad playing lately and the medical leave is an excuse to get me off the team for the time being.
And the comments.
Holy hell.
There are a bazillion too many fans happy that I won’t be playing for the foreseeable future. I didn’t realize it’s been so bad that I’m getting that kind of hate.
“It’s social media, Collin.”
“Shit, Jules!” I exclaim as I nearly jump to the ceiling. “Did you really have to sneak up on me like that?”
“Are you seriously reading Facebook comments about yourself?” she retorts with a raised eyebrow. “Are you trying to upset yourself? People are downright hateful online and half of those people probably aren’t even fans of the Rebels. This,” she snatches the phone out of my hand, “is the last thing you need to do to yourself.”
“I was curious,” I explain.
“And then stupid once you started reading the comments. Social opinion isn’t important.”
“It is if Cal expects me to tell people about my problems. That will only get worse.” I point to my phone. “I don’t know if I could handle that, Jules.”
She sighs, steps forward, and wraps her arms around my neck. “How about we focus on you getting better before you start contemplating opening yourself up to the team or the world?”
My face finds a comfy hiding place in the crook of her neck. That I’d rather do. I just need to slow myself down and focus on the most important thing right now, which is getting better in order to get back on the ice.
“Are we sure I need to be here for this?” I ask as I look around the yard at the massive number of people. Honestly, I don’t mind meeting people Collin is close to, but not only is this overwhelming, I don’t know that I can live up to any expectations. Not Collin’s or his friends’. This will be a disaster with my luck.
Collin chuckles as he squeezes my hand. “You seem worried.”
Of course he would find this amusing. “You didn’t answer my question.”
“I’m sure, Jules. Relax, okay? The spouses will gobble you up like a hungry pack of wolves and then spit you back out to me.”
My eyes widen as I turn to look up at him, causing him to laugh some more. “You’re calling them wolves? Is that a sign? You know I’m a bad luck magnet, right? Maybe I should go back to Florida.” Not that I’d ever go back.
His hand tightens and he yanks me against him, all the teasing gone from his eyes. “Don’t say another word like that. You’re supposed to be here with me.”
His stare is hard, but brings me comfort with his seriousness, and the rest of his body is all inviting. The allure of his soul drags me even closer. Relaxes me. Soothes all of my ruffled, disarrayed feathers.
“Are y’all gonna get a room or join the party?” a woman asks, drawing our attention away from one another.
“Hey, Deanna.”
I shake her hand and tell her hello. It’s nice to see her again. A huge Rottweiler runs over and jumps up on Collin with a man following behind him.
“Down, Otis,” Collin says. “Why am I the only one he does that to?”
“Because you let him,” the man says. He extends a hand to me. “Brayden. Julie, right?” I nod. “Nice to meet you. If you need rescuing from the women,” he nods toward Deanna, “be sure to let her know. She’ll save you before anyone else will.” Before I can ask how I’m supposed to tell her when I’ll be surrounded, he adds, “Go on and introduce her before we’re swarmed; I want to talk to Collin.”
“But” I begin to protest. It’s too late already. Deanna takes my hand and drags me away, while I look back at Collin for help. He smiles! Brayden then blocks his view and I’m lost in a sea of men, kids, and food before finally arriving to where a group of women sit clustered together at a picnic table.
Some have really tiny babies in their arms. Some look on, gazing at the babies. Some immediately take notice of me and smile like a cat who caught a canary.
“What we need to know first,” one holding a baby begins, “is how you went from Cal to Collin and,” she wags her eyebrows, “are they truly identical?”
“Sylvia!” someone exclaims.
“We haven’t even told her who we are!”
“That’s too personal,” someone else says.
“Why am I not surprised,” another girl, to Deanna’s right, says. “Hey, I’m Raelynn. I date EJ; I’m fairly new to the group, too.”
They go around, telling me names I’m not sure I’ll remember, and then Sylvia, the inappropriate one, goes, “Well?”
“She’s nosy, likes to gossip, and just came off bedrest. You’ll have to forgive her,” a girl, whose name I think is Meredith, says. “You answer only what you want.”
The women get quiet. They obviously want to me to say something. “They aren’t identical,” I finally say. They aren’t the same; not in the way the woman wants to know and not in the way that matters. “I dated Cal in high school, a long time ago, and it was a mistake.” Hopefully, I’m free to go, but when no one says anything else, I realize they want more. They’re waiting and hanging on to whatever may come next. “There you go.”
Their shoulders seem to sag in disappointment collectively.
“But Cal didn’t know you and Collin were dating, right?”
“You really don’t want me discussing this.” Because how am I to keep my disdain for Cal out of my tone? I’m not an actress and I can’t fake it. Not only that, but Cal wouldn’t want me to and I actually don’t want to either. As much as I wish everyone knew what an asshole Cal is, what happened was years ago and if these people love him, then that’s their problem. Who am I to shine light on the darkness they are blind to?
“Oh, it sounds like we do,” Sylvia nearly purrs with hunger for gossip in her eyes.
“Leave it alone,” Deanna steps in, finally. “You don’t want to push her away already, do you? If you traumatize her too soon, she won’t ever come near us again.”
Sylvia rolls her eyes. “Oh, whatever. You’re still here and look at what you did to poor Zane. We immediately bombarded you about that.”
Deanna stiffens next to me. “Don’t go there, Sylvia. You’re about two seconds from crossing a line and pissing me off.”
The tension thickens quickly and heavily. Women glance at one another, waiting to see who will say something next and whether it’ll break the ice or not.
“There are too many of you over here,” a voice so like my favorite one appears next to me. Who knew Cal would be my saving grace? “You know when a bunch of women get together, a brawl is bound to break out, right?”
“I’m pretty sure that’s not true,” Raelynn says.
“If you say so. Julie, mind if I steal you away?”
“Not at all, Cal.” I follow him away from the women, grateful for Cal for the first time in probably forever. “Why are you being nice to me?” I ask once we reach a pair of coolers.
He opens one up and hands me a drink. “Because no one deserves whatever Sylvia wants out of them and Hook has Collin all tied up.”
Glancing around, I don’t even see Collin.
“They’re inside, talking. I’m really doing this for him anyway. If you get upset, he’d be upset and it’d be a whole thing.” He waves his hands around in the air. We fall silent, looking at the people, a good chunk of them watching us right back. “What did you tell them?” Cal eventually asks.
I turn my gaze on him. “About us?” He nods. “Is that all this is really about? You’re worried about your reputation?”
“Yeah,” he replies with a shrug of his shoulders. “These people don’t mean shit to you, but they’re family to Collin and me. Some more than others, but still. We’re with these people more than
anyone else and I don’t want my past coming back and biting me in the ass because you want payback.”
“Is that what you think? I don’t want payback. If I could have Collin without you, I’d take up that offer in a heartbeat. Not just for me either. You aren’t good for him and you don’t even see it. If you care so much about what they think about you, maybe you should pay more attention to your damn brother and treat him better.”
He opens his mouth, most likely to object to everything I just said, but I storm off. This will turn into a full-blown fight if I don’t and that’s the last thing we need here. I don’t want to be around the women. I don’t want to be around Cal. And Collin is being hogged by his teammate.
With a sigh, I walk around to the front of the house and take a seat on the porch steps. It’s quieter here. Nicer, too, since there’s no one to bother me.
“Hey, are you okay?” a male voice asks.
I look up from my shoes to see a young couple and two kids. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just needed a break.” I give my best reassuring smile.
“You must be Collin’s girlfriend. Sylvia got to you, didn’t she?” the girl asks with a shake of her head.
“Where’s Collin?” the guy asks.
“Brayden has him in the house somewhere.”
The guy transfers the little girl to her mom and bounds up the stairs. The woman sits next to me with the girl resting on her knees and the baby nestled against her chest, asleep.
“I’m Sydney. That was my husband, Ian. This is my little girl, Savannah, and my baby boy, Andrew. He’ll get Collin for you. I hope they weren’t too bad. I know it can be hard meeting the spouses for the first time, especially if your situation is anything but ideal. They mean well, they really do, but it’s a hectic time and they often forget their manners. The best thing for you to do is find your voice. Learn how to tell them to back off.” She shrugs. “It’s helped me.”
“Telling them to back off is smart?” I ask with surprise. I wouldn’t think they would like that.
Sydney laughs a little. “Sylvia has no boundaries, so if you don’t want her in your relationship entirely, you have to tell her to butt out. It’s the only way to stop her. She will respect your wishes, but only if you make them known. Otherwise, it’s free game.”
Where We Belong (Carolina Rebels Book 8) Page 9