He looks up at me. “I’m not as stupid as you must think I am. I just said I want to get to know my sister, but apparently she doesn’t want to get to know me,” he says with sadness in his voice. I don’t want to hurt him. How does he know I’m his sister? Did I give it away? Did he always know? He couldn’t have, he got the Procedure done. He couldn’t remember anything about his past that was erased.
“What have you been told?” I ask him.
“I haven’t been told anything. The Procedure didn’t work on me.” The Procedure didn’t work on him? That explains a lot. But how? Then it hits me: people have said that if you’re under a certain age, the effects don’t work as well. My brother was younger than fourteen at the time. People have said if you’re under fourteen, the effects are less strong or sometimes don’t even work at all. That must be what happened.
“So, what’s my name? What do you know about me?” I ask my brother.
“Your name is Zandrea. I know that you are my sister and you left us when you were twelve. I never knew exactly why you left, but I overheard mother say it was for a Stoneard to help pay off debt and to make us rich,” he says confidently.
“You know a lot,” I say, choking back a laugh. “Look, I’m sorry. Mother didn’t want me to tell you the truth. She didn’t want to hurt you. It almost destroyed her the day dad… disappeared. She didn’t want it to destroy you if I never came back and you had great memories of me. I’m so sorry,” I say, and I mean it.
“Well, it is what it is. I don’t blame you for what happened. I know Mother was just trying to protect me,” he says. “Come on. I’m cold and Mother is making hot chocolate. I’m so glad I finally found you!” He’s so enthusiastic that I don’t want to ruin the moment for him by telling him that our mother doesn’t want me back at the house. I really don’t feel like telling my mother that I told Kyle. He starts to walk away with a bounce in his step.
“I can’t come. Mother doesn’t want me in the house,” I call out to him. He stops walking away from me, all of the happiness drained from his face. The grin that once occupied his face leaves but returns moments later.
“Oh well, once you’re inside, she can’t get rid of you. Come on, please,” he pleads with me for a little while longer and then somehow convinces me to come back with him. As we walk down the slick road, where I almost slip more than once, I begin to realize how nice it would be to have a family again, to sleep in a warm bed and wake up with hot meals.
Kyle pulls me toward the front door, and I begin to feel nervous. My mother told me to leave, and now I’m back. But it’s against your will, a voice inside my head says. But it would be nice to be home again, and let’s face it, you’ve wanted to come back. You never wanted to leave. You belong here, and your mother needs to take you back.
“Are you coming?” my brother asks me. I realize I’ve been standing on the bottom step for more than enough time. I straighten my back and walk up the rest of the stairs.
My brother rings the doorbell, and I hear slow, concentrated steps, which I can only assume is my mother, coming to the door. For the second time today, I see the doorknob turn and then the door open up slightly, so not to let the wind and snow in. She glances at me, and then at my brother, and then back at me. She gives me a stern look that I can only translate into: What is he doing outside of the house? Why are you back? I told you to go away and never come back. I look away.
“Hi Mother! Look who I found, the girl that was on our porch this morning. I figured if you guys are friends, then you should talk,” my brother says with fake enthusiasm. I can tell he’s covering for me, trying not to get me into trouble.
“Honey, I really don’t think it’s necessary for her to come. I’ll give her a call later,” my mother says trying to hide the pain in her voice.
“I brought her all the way back here. And why call her when you can just talk to her now? She’s really nice, and Mother, it’s freezing outside! Are you just going to let her freeze? That’s not what friends do to each other,” Kyle says. He looks back at me and winks, so I know that he’s making up a story to get me out of trouble. My mother sighs.
“Kyle, go inside and I will talk to her. Can we have a little privacy please?” my mother asks him. Kyle nods and goes into the house, but I know he still listens, until my mother closes the door. “I told you not to come back. Why was Kyle with you? What are you doing? I am so confused,” she practically screams at me.
“Look, I’m sorry,” I say. “I didn’t want to come back, and I told him that. He came out and followed me down the street. He told me he wanted me to come back. If you want, I’ll tell him. And I will explain that it’s not your fault, and you just wanted to protect him. Something tells me he’ll understand.” I’m thinking back to our conversation a few minutes ago.
She puts her hand up, and I stop speaking. She’s considering my argument. “I will think about it. In the meantime… come inside. It is really cold out here, and… I can’t let my daughter suffer,” she says, her voice quiet. She opens the door and allows me inside.
I take off my cold, wet shoes and leave them by the door. I take a deep breath, because at any moment, all of this could be taken away from me. I smell cookies in the oven and perfume that smells like spring. The house is cleaned, not a speck of dust anywhere, which is what I expected. She always had her house in top shape, no matter what.
I walk into the living room. and I’m immediately surrounded by bright colors that weren’t here last time. The couch is new, and the TV is bigger. The biggest difference, though, is all of the pictures hung up around the room. My mother has never liked hanging up pictures. She says it makes the house look too filled up and cluttered. But now, there are pictures of my mother and Kyle all over. Everywhere you look, you can see pictures of them—hugging, smiling, having fun, and laughing.
All of a sudden, I get a sinking feeling. I abandoned them. They moved on without me. It doesn’t even look like they care that I left. But why would they care? I left them on my own terms, not because I had to. Mother doesn’t want Kyle to know who I am, but he does anyway. The Procedure didn’t work. And mother doesn’t know that. And that’s why I’m not in these pictures. Or Father. It’s too painful.
“Do you like it? I’ve been working on it for a while. Kyle has been a big help,” she says, while lightly touching one of the picture frames.
“I do. But I thought you didn’t like pictures hung up in rooms,” I say. “You said it makes the room look cluttered.”
She gives me a sad smile. “I’ve moved on,” she says in a very sad and quiet voice, almost like she’s ashamed of it now.
“I…” I start to say, but then the doorbell rings. My mother gets a happy smile on her face and walks really fast to the door. She opens the door, and standing there is a tall man. My knees start to shake, which is a sign that I’m scared. I walk around the corner so I don’t have to see the man, but I can still hear him.
“Hi, come on in! Kyle, come on down. Chris is here,” my mother says in a happy tone. Chris? Where do I know that name from? I hear footsteps, slow, coming down the stairs.
“Hi Chris,” Kyle says in a small voice. He only gives Kyle a small nod in return.
“Kyle, stay here with… my friend. Chris and I will be back later,” my mother says, and then I hear the door shut.
“Zandrea? Where are you?” my brother calls out softly. I step out from behind the corner and see my brother standing there with a small picture frame in his hand. He jumps back a little, scared. “I didn’t see you there. Sorry.”
“You have some explaining to do. Who is that? Why is he here? Where are they going? What is in your hand…” I have more questions, but my brother cuts me off.
“Whoa, slow down! I can’t answer everything all at once.” He takes a deep breath and tries again. “Look, all I know is his name is Chris and he’s dating Mother. They’ve been going out for almost a year now. He comes over almost every night and takes Mother out somewhere, and
he’s super rich. But he doesn’t exactly like kids, even though I’m pretty sure he has a son, and that’s why I don’t like him. He’s rude and totally not Mother’s type, but I can tell she likes him, so I don’t complain. I just want to see her happy, and ever since Father left, it’s been really hard for her to get out again. Since she has met him, she’s been a lot happier. He said he lost one of his daughters, but something tells me that’s not the case.” He looks down at the picture in his hand. “This is a picture I found of all of us, before you and Father left. It makes me happy when I get sad and lonely. Mother doesn’t know I have it, and I would like to keep it that way, otherwise she’ll take it away, and I will have nothing left. I should go put it back.”
So mother has a boyfriend now, she changed the color of the walls, she got new furniture, and she hung pictures up around the house like she said she was never going to do. What else has changed?
Mother comes home late, and since she didn’t assign me a room or anything, I sit on the couch looking at pictures of my mother and Kyle. I look at one in particular, it’s of my mother splashing Kyle with water. His hands rest in front of his face, probably trying to protect himself from the water, but underneath his hands, you can see his bright smile. They both look so happy, and it gives me a feeling that I don’t belong. This is not your home, a voice inside me says. You’re nothing but a “friend” of your mother’s who has missed out on a life you wish you had been a part of.
After my mother tucks Kyle into bed and kisses him goodnight, she comes downstairs and sits next to me. “Your aunt took that picture. She’s really into photography,” my mother says to me. I know there is more she wants to talk about, but she’s afraid Kyle will overhear. I don’t care. I need answers only she can provide.
“Why did you let go of Father? Are we nothing to you anymore? Why has Chris invaded your life and you didn’t even bother to tell me? I mean I know I only got here this afternoon, but you could have at least said something about going on a date tonight! I mean he just came without any warning, for me anyway. One second, we’re talking, and the next, I’m watching Kyle without any advance! You can’t just do that! I haven’t been here in six years and you expect me to know everything about your lives.” I’m so furious that I can’t help yelling at her. I don’t care if I wake Kyle. My mother turns from my face to the ground, and I can’t help but wonder why no one can look me in the eye.
“It’s not that simple,” she says finally. “I would have told you, but I didn’t know myself. He comes over so often that I have everything ready and I’m always dressed my best. It’s tiring, but he’s a really great guy. I know you haven’t met him, and I didn’t tell you I was seeing anyone, but give him a chance, for me. I think he would make a great father for you guys. And no, I haven’t forgotten about your father. I think about him everyday, but it’s time I get back into the world. It’s time I meet new people.” She uses her soothing voice I can only assume she uses with Kyle. But I’m not a baby, I’m not three years old. I don’t need someone to always be protective and keep me safe.
The only person in my life is me and Kyle. I need to take him under my wing, considering I have lived with him half of the time mother has, and I still know more about his life than she does.
“You know what? I wanted to come back and live here again. I wanted to have somebody to hug me and love me and take care of me. When I was out exploring, I only thought of you and Kyle. I was determined to come back to you guys with a fortune, but I didn’t. And Kyle doesn’t know who I am or what I’m doing here. I am all alone. And as much as I would like to stay here and get taken care of, I have a life outside of here. And Kyle, I know he doesn’t like it here either,” I say.
My mother’s expression goes from happy to upset. I can tell she was happy when I told her all I thought of was her and Kyle, but I have to tell her the truth. I’m not as happy as I thought I would be.
“I just don’t feel welcome like I thought I would,” I say quietly. “You didn’t run to me with open arms like I imagined. I’m just going to leave, like you wanted in the first place. Kyle will never get to know his older sister.”
My mother’s expression changes once again from sad to worried. “I… I don’t want you to leave. I’m sorry I didn’t run to you when you showed up. You have to understand that it has been hard on us too. I’m sorry.” I can’t blame her. I know I have caused her pain, but that was the past. I’m here, right now, in the flesh. But I know that I’m not wanted.
“I understand,” I say and stand up. I start to walk to the door but then stop, turn, and walk upstairs instead. I have to say goodbye to Kyle before I leave.
I haven’t been upstairs since I left, but it doesn’t look much different. The bathroom is still in the same place, one foot to the right of the stairwell, and my room is next to that. But my room is a storage room now. I walk to where Kyle’s room was before I left and find him asleep in the bed. He has clothes all over the floor and toys everywhere you look. I quietly tiptoe over to his bedside and sit on the edge, quietly, so I don’t wake him.
“Kyle,” I say, my voice hushed. “It’s me, Zandrea. I’m so sorry, but I have to leave you. I have to go and live my life. Stay here with Mother, where you’re safe. I love you so much, don’t ever forget that.” Then I slip something under his pillow, next to the picture frame. It’s a phone-like device that you can text and call with. I bought a pair for my flying partner slash best friend and I to use on the exploration to find the Stoneard, in case we got lost or separated. I asked for it back, and he was willing to give it up, since his boss was going to give him something better. I have the other one in my satchel. After it’s behind the pillow, I stand up, kiss him lightly on his forehead, and walk out of the room.
I take my time getting downstairs, because I catch myself looking at the pictures on the stairway. Most of the pictures are of my mother and Kyle, like the ones downstairs, but in one of the pictures, I see Chris, with his arm around my mother, and she’s laughing. There’s something about his eyes that bothers me, like I’ve seen them before, but I can’t remember where.
I feel anger boiling up inside of me. I think of a picture I saw once before I left. It was of my parents’ wedding. My mother was wearing a golden, silky dress that flowed and came down to her ankles. My dad was wearing a white tuxedo and a red tie. They looked like a couple that everyone else would envy. The only problem: neither my mother nor my father was smiling. It’s not like they ever hated each other, or even disliked, but just that they weren’t ready, like how my mother isn’t ready to let Chris into her life. She’s probably doing it so she can forget about everything and try to move on. I wonder if Chris knows about my father. Has Mother told him she lost her husband because he wanted to help the family? Father could still be alive, and maybe he’s out there, and he needs help.
I walk quietly down the rest of the stairs until I hear the soft laughter of two voices. I stop short. Who else is here? Then the laughter turns to whisper. “Why did she come back? Doesn’t she understand that no one wants her here,” a deep, scratchy voice whispers.
“I thought so,” my mother says. “I don’t know why she came back. Especially after all this time. And to make matters worse, she’s old enough to get married. That’s going to cost money, and that’s something I don’t have.”
“I have an idea,” the deep voice says. “My son is coming over tomorrow so he can meet you. He’s very excited. I told him that you had a daughter, which he said he would also like to meet. Would that be okay?”
“Sure,” my mother says. “I’m sure she would love to meet him. I know I can’t wait. Maybe we can arrange something.” I can’t leave now; I don’t want her to see me.
“Yes, he’ll be nineteen in three months.” I’m sure our children, whether they want to or not, will get along well with each other.” The deep voice is back.
“Yes, well, my daughter has already left. I really wanted you to meet her, but she’s mad at me right now,
and she wants to go and live her own life, one without us. I wish she had never come back. She’s making everything more difficult than it needs to be,” it’s my mother’s voice again. Is she talking about me? I’m making things more difficult? She’s the one who’s turned my life around, from okay to not okay. That’s it. I’m for sure leaving now. There is no way I’m staying here. I’ll take Kyle with me….
I quietly creep back upstairs and into my brother’s bedroom. I gently shake him awake. He looks around in confusion until he sees me, sitting on his bed. “We have to go, now,” I tell him, my voice hushed but firm.
“Why? I’m too tired. Five more minutes,” he says and flips back over.
“We don’t have five minutes. We have to go now before she notices,” I say.
He flips back over. “What are you talking about? She’s going to notice if we leave. The door is right in front of the living room. How are we supposed to get out?”
I look around the room and find a small window on the far wall of the room. He follows my glance and looks out the window.
“No, no, no, and no! There is no way I’m going out through the window. Get that idea out of your head, right now,” Kyle says.
I look back at him. “Well, do you have any better ideas?” I ask him. He looks around the room and then down at his shirt.
“No, but it’s a crazy idea. I like crazy, sort of. I guess we could try it, even if it fails,” he says quietly.
“Good, so do you have any rope or anything at all? I mean, even towels could work. We could, you know, tie them together or something,” I say, frantically. He looks up at me like I’m the craziest person alive.
“Yes, as a matter of fact I do, because I just keep a rope in my room,” he says sarcastically. “Look, I’m tired, and cold, and would like to get back to sleep. So if you have a plan, let me know, but for now, I’m going back to bed.”
“Fine,” I say under my breath. “I’ll do this myself.” I stand up and walk around the room, trying not to step on anything. I find a pile of clothes and blankets on one side of the room and sift through them. I grab enough and start tying them together, making a long chain. Then I open the small window and lower the blankets and clothes down to the snow-covered ground. I wrap the top of the handmade rope around the leg of Kyle’s bed.
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