by Kim Nash
When I didn’t have Jamie anymore, my Dolce and Gabana handbag didn’t seem to hold the same appeal. In fact it was my birthday the week before I found him with Alisa and he bought me a star, which was the most romantic thing that he had ever done. I was so touched to read the dedication on the certificate, which said ‘This star will last as long as my love for you.’ Just the week then, tosser!
What I remembered vividly now was how my whole world came crashing down around me just a week later. Just thinking about it reminded me of how it made me feel at the time, and made my heart thump a million beats per minute. I would never have said I was an anxious person, but this was the start of a very long period of not being able to cope with anything at all. A couple of months off work, with Mum looking after me, really helped, but I knew that I would never be the same again. I was totally gutted. I clearly didn’t mean as much to him as he did to me or he would never have betrayed me in this way. And I hadn’t heard a word from him till now. So why would he get in touch now?
There was a little voice on one shoulder saying, ‘Don’t you bloody dare go and see that scumbag,’ and the other voice, which needed closure, which was yelling way, way louder: ‘Go on, go and meet him and see what he has to say.’
Chapter Fifteen
Mum knocked on the door and walked straight in around ten thirty a.m. and I was still sat in my jimjams. ‘Come on lady, shake a leg! We can talk more as we drive into town.’
Grabbing the quickest shower I’d ever had and throwing on jeans, a t-shirt and a hoody, which seemed to be my style these days, I ran back downstairs to see Mum gazing out of the barn window across the farmland. Putting my arm around her, I rested my head on her shoulder and we stood for a moment or two, no words needed, both of us in our own thoughts.
I broke the silence. ‘We should make a move, Mum.’
We jumped into my classic sports car, Mum moaning at how low it was. ‘You’re only nearly sixty you know, not eighty! I had to have something different to my company car, Mum, to make it ok and to help me to move on.’ The day they drove my company car away was just another kick in the teeth for me and it really hurt. Silly really to get upset over just a car, but it wasn’t just the car I was gutted about, it was symbolic of the whole situation.
‘I know, lovely, but these knees are getting on a bit and this back. Honestly…’ she grinned at me but I found it hard this morning to smile back.
* * *
Sometimes life drifted by with not much going on at all, but right now I felt like I just couldn’t take any more. I’d got Mum telling me about Theo and Beth was ill. I’d moved into a new home and was trying to get used to a new temporary job and fulfil all of Beth’s community obligations and now, on top of everything, there was Jamie. They do say that life doesn’t throw at you more than you can take, I didn’t feel like I could take much more right now.
We drove out to the local retail centre just outside Stafford, which was around twenty minutes away, and I picked up some lovely bright cushions, a couple of Moroccan lantern-type table lamps, and some mohair throws to make the lounge more cosy. Since I’d become a reader, I loved nothing more than getting comfy on the sofa, with a throw over me, immersing myself in my latest novel. I also treated myself to a new duvet set, which I unpacked and threw in the washing machine the minute I got home, just after lunchtime, so that I could get it dried on the line and on the bed. There was nothing nicer than the smell of fresh air on your bedclothes, although living on a farm, the fresh air here had a distinct whiff of ‘eau de cow shit’. Ridiculous as it was, I’d missed having a washing line. In the flat, everything got tumble-dried but here I was looking forward to putting up the rotary washing line and pegging my washing out. It was the simple things in life that seemed to make me happy these days.
I made Mum and me a sandwich, but to be honest, now I had nothing to do, I couldn’t stop thinking about my father and wondering about him. I wasn’t much company and told Mum I had a headache and was going to have a lie down. I was sure she knew that I just needed some time to myself as she didn’t question a thing and looked at me sadly as she said goodbye and that she’d text me later to see how I was feeling.
I didn’t even know how I was feeling myself. Russell was on shift over at Growlers, so I made the most of a quiet afternoon and picked up the latest thriller I was reading to give me something else to think about. Last night’s lack of sleep meant that I was shattered and two hours later I woke up with the book face down on my chest. I felt a little groggy at first but after a cup of tea, I was glad I’d had the chance to catch up on some sleep. I spent hours poring over the allotment gardening books that Alex had given me, the day he gave me the keys to my plot, which up till now had been sat on the coffee table in the lounge. I couldn’t allow myself to think right now, so needed to occupy myself. Throwing a pizza in the oven, as I really couldn’t be bothered to cook a proper meal, I sat down and started making notes about the allotment. One thing I had really missed since I’d been living alone was cooking for someone. There never seemed much point when I was on my own, but at least I’d be eating a lot more healthily once I’d started to harvest the fruits of my allotment. There wasn’t much on the TV, so I half-heartedly watched a film with Rebel Wilson in it. She normally made me smile and it definitely did brighten my mood throughout the evening. A sharing bag of Maltesers to myself helped too. Share? Not tonight!
The week ahead was quite uneventful and I managed to avoid most people as much as I could, my mood wasn’t the best. I was confused, and couldn’t stop thinking about my dad and couldn’t stop thinking about Jamie either and wondering what was the right thing to do. I was getting into a routine of getting up at six and taking myself a cuppa and sitting around before working at Growlers. I’d made a lovely little seating area in the garden, with lots of cushions and I took a throw out with me and snuggled under it reading. Not having to commute made a huge difference to the time I had, and I was still showered and ready for work at seven thirty a.m. when the first dogs arrived for the day.
Uncle Tom attended to the ones who had stayed overnight and let them out for their early morning ablutions before he headed off for some food, when I took over and sorted out their breakfast routines. I had a few hours off each afternoon after lunch, due to the early start, and spent that mostly planning the allotment, working the community slots that Rebecca had given me. I’d been back to the see the Darbys and Stuart once again and was going to be making them a regular call until Beth was driving and fully back, when Rebecca was going to sort some other tasks out for me.
Rebecca had been over to the farm with her younger children, and I’d left her chatting to Uncle Tom a few times, while I took the children to see their big brother at work in the kennels. They found eggs in the chicken coop and seeing their delighted faces was very entertaining.
I’d spend most of my evenings, thinking about my future and working out what it looked like in my head. And who was in it.
But today was Saturday. A whole week had gone by without me contacting Jamie although I had picked the phone up a time or two and then stopped myself. Mum had always taught me that if you are in a situation and are not sure what to do, then it was best to do nothing… but goodness me, it was hard. I decided to walk into Giddywell and get some air into my lungs. I needed a change of scenery and to pick up a few bits and bobs from a couple of the shops in the village. Now I wasn’t working all hours, and needed to fill my spare time, I thought I’d do some baking. I hadn’t baked for years but decided to give it a whirl. As I walked past the Copper Kettle café, I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw Mum sat at a table with a really handsome grey-haired man, laughing and touching his arm. In all my years of being alive, I had never known Mum date anyone. Trying to persuade her to sign up to a dating website was a mission of mine and Jamie’s at one point, but she was having none of it and said that she had everything she ever wanted in her world and that she’d never let anyone else hurt her again.
I didn’t know what to do. Should I just walk on past, or should I go in and say hello? But then, if she didn’t see me – and there was a chance that she wouldn’t as she looked so comfortable chatting and flirting with this man – I could possibly get away unnoticed. But then, I’d have to say that I’d seen her, because curiosity would be eating away at me, and I was actually dying to know who he was.
Just as I was dithering as to what to do, old Mrs Craddock who lived just up the road from my mum, crashed into me with her shopping trolley and all her shopping tumbled out over the ground and into the road. I yelped from the pain in my ankle as she’d caught me right on the bony bit at the back.
‘Oh my dear, I’m so sorry. I didn’t see you there.’
I helped her to pick everything up and when we put it all back in the trolley, turned back to the café to see Mum staring at me, with a look of pure panic on her face. If bloody Mrs Craddock hadn’t made all that commotion I could have just sloped off but she’d seen me now. There was nothing else for it but to front it out and go and say hello. I limped across to them.
‘Mum, how lovely to see you.’ I bent to kiss her cheek, noticing that she smelled beautiful. I turned to her companion and smiled. ‘Hi there, I’m Maddy.’ I didn’t say I was her daughter, just in case she hadn’t broken the news yet that she had one.
Mum looked like she wanted to crawl up her own backside. Her face had gone from frowning to grimacing. She realised that the only thing that she could do was to introduce us.
‘Edward, meet Maddy. My daughter. Maddy, this is Edward. He’s… er, a friend of mine.’
I could clearly see that! I leant across to shake his hand.
‘Hello Edward. It’s so nice to meet a friend of my mother’s. You never said you were meeting anyone today, Mum. Do you live around here? Actually, have we met before?’ Now that I could see him close up, there was something about him that seemed incredibly familiar. He was even more handsome close up, with his salt-and-pepper hair framing a healthily tanned face sprinkled with freckles. He was casually dressed in smart jeans, a white shirt and a beige suede jacket. He was quite a looker for an old ’un.
‘I’m just visiting. Not sure how long I’ll be sticking around for. I’ve been living in Spain for a good few years now and have popped back for an extended visit to see some family and decided to look your mother up. We used to go to school together. I think I just have one of those faces, you know how it is,’ he laughed nervously.
Mum was fidgeting really badly and I wondered whether it was because she actually really liked this man and was a little embarrassed to have been caught out with him. She certainly looked like she had been enjoying his company earlier when I was watching her through the window but now, there was something really not sitting right with her. She must be mortified at being caught out. I didn’t want to see her being uncomfortable, so decided to excuse myself on the pretence that I’d got to get back to work, always a good alibi to keep up your sleeve.
Edward stood up as I left and gave me a quick hug, which was rather unexpected but not at all unpleasant. I could tell by Mum’s face that she was a bit spooked by his familiarity too because her eyebrows nearly shot out of her head. He seemed like a really nice man from the few minutes I had met him. He had a kind face which seemed to be full of character and his eyes wrinkled as he smiled broadly at me.
Walking away from the café with a grin on my face, I was thinking how much of a dark horse my mum was and how it was actually about blooming time that she’d found a man to spend time with. She was such a lovely, kind soul who had always put me first all her life and deserved in her later years, to meet someone just as lovely to be a companion to her, if not yet a lover. But I did hope that something more might come of it than friendship.
* * *
Once I got home, and packed away my bits of shopping, I thought that instead of procrastinating, which I seemed to be quite good at these days, particularly since I found out that I had a reasonable redundancy payout, and didn’t need to get a job instantly, I should crack on with the baking that I’d been planning. Beth had leant me a cookery book – one she’d been given years ago which was full of basics and loads of Aunty Jen’s scribbled notes. It felt like there was a bit of Aunty Jen beside me, guiding me. Beth loved a cake and was great at baking, and I knew she was finding it hard being so incapacitated so I decided to do what she’d do for me, and make her favourite chocolate brownies. Rock cakes were easy enough too, surely. I’d make some of those as well. I bet Mr and Mrs Darby would like a rock cake. I was going to see them again later this week, and Stuart too. It felt good to do things for other people and lifted my spirits. I was ready to face the world again.
I’d spent so long doing things for myself, spending hours having my nails and hair done, making myself look respectable for Jamie really, not even for me, to be a proper trophy girlfriend to him, which now seemed selfish and pretty egotistical. I’d discovered that I was really loving working with the dogs and being around Uncle Tom and Beth. But I was worried that I was wasting valuable time, when I should be looking to get back into the world of PR, although just that thought alone didn’t lift my soul in any way.
I put the radio on and danced around the kitchen, singing along. I wasn’t a good cook; I could get by, but there never seemed much point cooking just for one. But baking for others, I almost felt that I was pouring love into the cakes I was making, knowing that my food might bring people joy. Being here at Giddywell Grange had made me realise all the things I’d been missing out on: spending time with friends and family again; having animals around me, who wanted nothing more from me than food, exercise and love, who didn’t care what I looked or smelt like, was comforting and liberating, even. I loved being part of a community and helping others more than I ever would have thought possible.
Chapter Sixteen
My cakes didn’t turn out too bad at all for a first attempt and I was pretty proud of myself. While they were cooling, I decided to go over to the allotment and make a start of some sort, as it wasn’t going to do itself. I’d bought some seeds and wanted to put them in the shed. I felt like it needed a good clean before I went in there – it was full of cobwebs when I’d popped in before, and I wasn’t a huge fan of spiders so I went armed with a long broom. But when I arrived, and went to open the shed padlock, I noticed that it wasn’t locked. I must have forgotten to close it properly when I was here with Alex. So I was really surprised when I poked my head through the door and it looked completely different to the last time I’d been in there. The door was now attached to the shed frame by some new hinges. There was already a broom right by the door and it had definitely been swept out. All the cobwebs had gone and it was looking clean and tidy. The pots had been put in one corner and there were a few packets of seeds on the side. There was a huge bag of potting compost by the door and I picked up the packets and noticed that there was a note propped up against a small radio which hadn’t been there before either. I turned to the light to read it.
I know how much you hate spiders and couldn’t risk being doused in another hot coffee so I got rid of them all for you! Hope you feel better about your new kingdom now it’s a bit tidier and you have something to listen to while you work! Alex x
Oh wow! How thoughtful. He knew about my fear of spiders, because once when we were teenagers, he had pretended he had something in his hands and I told him not to come near me. He kept on teasing me and I told him if he came any closer, I’d throw the hot cup of coffee I was holding over him. He didn’t believe me and came that one step closer. I had warned him though and he squealed like a girl when I threw it. I’d told him I would though. He ran off into the farm fuming and yelled ‘there was nothing in my bloody hand anyway you daft cow!’ Clearing out the shed for me was such a lovely, kind gesture that made me realise what a bloody lovely bloke he was and I loved him just a little bit more than before. As a brother figure, of course.
In the past, my Saturday afternoons we
re filled with shopping and working, yet I found spending time on the allotment today was so much more fulfilling. The sun was starting to go down so I decided to stop working. I’d been there for hours and as I stood and surveyed my surroundings, I was actually starting to see a difference. There was now a small but whole square of land that hadn’t got any weeds on it at all, but my shoulders ached liked hell and when I got up I felt like an old lady. Nothing that a soak in a hot bath wouldn’t sort out, I was sure. I couldn’t wait for the days when I could come here to pick some veg for tea. I’d be so proud of actually growing my own produce. I never thought it would be something that would appeal to me but it really did. Everyone needed a hobby. When I worked I didn’t think I needed one. I just seemed to work all the time and didn’t really do much else. It had been years since I’d sung, and I’d practically given up music, because Jamie didn’t approve.
I was really enjoying myself these days just doing simple stuff that I would never have thought was my cup of tea. Perhaps when my veggies were ready, I could take some to Mr and Mrs Darby and Stuart too. And I could share them with Mum… I hoped I would have a good crop! I smiled as I wandered back over to the barn and watched the full sunset from the arched window of my bedroom while I waited for the bath to fill. It was absolutely stunning and I felt so very peaceful. What a difference to my life just a few weeks ago, which was packed full of events, work and constantly being on the go. I warned myself not to get too comfortable though; it was only temporary until I found something else back in that corporate world. Weirdly, that thought didn’t fill me with as much joy as it once would have.
While soaking in the bath, I pondered on just how much my life had changed over the last few weeks. That chain of thought brought Jamie back to mind. Was I going to meet him or not? I still hadn’t made up my mind. But I knew that I was curious. I suppose it helped that when we were together Jamie and I were the same and we never minded working all the time because we were both doing it. We even used to sit in bed on a Saturday morning, drinking coffee and reading trade magazines. But now, I’d started doing other things, I felt like I’d been really missing out.