by Kim Nash
The waitress came over, noticing my distress and blocked the way, so that I could adjust myself and pull the rollers out. She was so kind and helpful. It brought to mind that saying: ‘Be the woman who fixes another woman’s crown without telling the word that it was crooked’ and I vowed there and then that I wanted to be that woman too and that the next time I saw someone in a position like this, I would do everything I could to help them.
‘Thank you so much…’ I looked at her name badge, ‘Lou. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate this.’
‘You’re grand, hun. You were looking a little flustered there.’ Her gentle, quiet Irish lilt was so calming and I found myself blurting out that I was meeting an ex and was incredibly nervous. I’d been holding it in for so long. I couldn’t tell Beth; she’d kill me. And so would Mum. And to be honest, who knew if anything was going to come of it anyway, so I just felt it was better not to say anything to anyone. Thank goodness Lou let me pour my heart out. ‘Oh god he’s here!’
‘Hey, I’m just a yell away if you need to escape and I’m very good at accidental-on-purpose spillages, you know!’ She winked as she walked away and Jamie approached the table. I stood to greet him and once more he went for the continental kiss on both cheeks but I was ready for him this time.
His eyes looked me up and down to make sure I met with his approval and it was as if the years in between had never passed as I remembered that he used to do this all the time.
‘Looking good, babe. Are you having your usual? Glass of bubbly for the lady, please?’ He clicked his fingers at Lou and she raised her eyebrows and looked at me as if to say, ‘really?’
I was also actually a bit annoyed with him for getting straight back into this familiarity but breathed deeply and replied. ‘Oh no! That’s not been my usual for a long time. I’ll have a gin and tonic please. Double!’
His eyebrows were the ones that raised this time as Lou came over to take our order. He looked her up and down, appraising her body. I’d forgotten that he did that too. It made me feel really belittled that he didn’t respect me enough to even pretend he wasn’t looking at other women. Perhaps he’d been up to no good behind my back all along and I just hadn’t seen it.
For the first fifteen minutes, he talked about his day, his week, his job, his home and generally his life. Then he mentioned a client that I used to work with who had apparently been asking about me and saying how much they had loved working with me.
The evening went well in the end; the setting was sophisticated and the meal was divine, although a little rich compared to what I was eating these days. I’d have preferred Uncle Tom’s good old pie, homemade chips and gravy to be truthful and even though the conversation was a bit stilted at first eventually it became really natural and it felt right to be back in his company once more. He’d been telling me how he’d set up a rival company to Celine’s and that they had a healthy competition going on.
He must have realised that I was quiet while he dominated the conversation, so he asked me what I’d been up to since I’d been made redundant. He’d heard the news from Celine. We caught up on family news and it all started to feel very natural and comfortable, although that could have been the two double gins I’d had working their magic. I made a mental note to make sure I didn’t drink any more! I did notice that Jamie turned his nose up when I told him that I was working at Growlers, helping on the farm, and helping out some of the community.
‘I think if I was you, Maddy, I’d be getting straight back into the PR scene before people turn you away because you’ve been out of it too long. It’s all very well and good wanting to help the “locals” but is that going to keep you in the manner you’ve been living?’ I wondered whether he had a point, even though I was living a much more minimalist life these days and enjoying it.
Looking at my watch, I realised that it was now nearly eleven o’clock and I had to be up and at work at seven thirty the next morning, so I excused myself, thanked him for a lovely evening, kissed him on the cheek and left. As I walked away, I could still smell the same aftershave that he always wore. Whenever I’d smelled that aftershave over the years, it had always made me think of Jamie. The taxi ride home only took fifteen minutes and I think I must have been in a bit of a daydream because I don’t remember an awful lot of the journey. As the taxi pulled up in the farmyard, I looked up at the Grange, and noticed a shadow in one of the upstairs spare bedrooms just before the curtains closed. Alex.
I wondered whether he was purposely looking out for me, or whether he just happened to be looking out and closing the curtains at that time. Maybe it was wishful thinking on my part, thinking how nice it would have been to have someone looking out for me after being on my own for such a long time. It wouldn’t be long now before he went back to his beautiful wife and his wonderful life in the US and that thought made me sad.
* * *
The following morning, I couldn’t concentrate on a thing at work. At one point, Uncle Tom really shouted at me to get my attention as I’d been in a deep daydream imagining being back together with Jamie, lying on a beach in the Caribbean, holding hands.
Uncle Tom and I were trying to move all the kennel space around because we’d had another enquiry from someone who had to go into hospital as an emergency, but much as we tried to accommodate everyone, when we worked out all the comings and goings it couldn’t be done. We already had ten dogs and we only had ten kennels. We couldn’t double up; it wouldn’t be fair on anyone. Then an idea came to me.
‘Uncle Tom, how about if Baxter came to stay with me now in the barn while we are waiting for Alice to make her decision? He could come over here with me in the daytime and I could take him home in the evenings. He’s hardly in his kennel in the daytime anyway when I’m in the office, as he just comes to sit under my feet and he always wants to come out to the field when I take the dogs out too. And that way, it would cut down on costs for Alice but you wouldn’t be losing out because you have the new dog.’
‘What a brilliant idea, Maddy. Why didn’t I think of that? It’s perfect and he’d be lovely company for you over there. I know you’re ok but I’d love you to have someone to chat to, even if he is a big furry daftie. And it’ll give you a proper test run as a dog owner too. It’s a huge commitment and I know that you’re keen but in reality it might not be all it’s cracked up to be for you.’
But it felt like a really good decision. I immediately messaged Alice just to double check that it was ok with her. She came straight back to say that she couldn’t be happier and that although she knew Baxter was well looked after in the kennels, she also knew that he’d be much happier in a proper home with me. I was also really excited. I’d always fancied a dog but it was a huge commitment to take on and Jamie would never allow it, in our pristine apartment with its clinical white furniture. I had thought about it after Jamie moved out, but decided against it. Not quite so daunting I suppose, if you were a family and there were more of you to take on the walking and feeding and looking after, and to juggle everything, but when there was just you, it was literally just all down to you. This way, perhaps it would give me a taste of how having a dog would fit into my life.
Baxter seemed very happy when I brought his bed over to the barn after work and had a good old sniff around before weeing up one of the kitchen cupboards. I’d half expected it, as Uncle Tom said that male dogs did this sometimes so I disinfected and hoped it would be the only time he did it.
My phone pinged and my heart did a little flip when I saw that there was a text from the man himself.
Babe, really enjoyed last night. What are you doing next Tuesday night? Remember I told you that Geoff from Faith and Co had been asking about you? Well you’ll never believe it, but I bumped into him this morning in town and I said that we were back in touch and he asked whether we’d both like to go out for a meal with him. I’d love you to come, Maddy. What do you think? x
Playing it cool, I left it for over an hour and thirty minutes t
o respond, not wanting to play into his hands and reply straight away. A whole hour and thirty minutes.
I’ll have to check my diary later, but if I’m free, that would be nice. Let me know where and when and I’ll let you know as soon as I’m able to get to my diary.
Obviously, I knew I was free. I was always free these days. And if not, I was at Mum’s or sat propped up in bed next to Beth watching TV or out and about being a do-gooder in the local community. How had my life changed so much in the space of just a few weeks? Life up until recently was full of trendy bar and restaurant launches, theatre performances to review, goody bags galore full of the latest anti-aging beauty and make-up products, which promised to knock years off you but never actually worked, and fragrances to make you irresistible to the opposite sex. My bathroom cabinet was stocked to the brim with so much stuff that I’d never use.
It was hard to see at the time that these were all work events and that if it wasn’t for work I wouldn’t have had a social life at all, or any friends. I thought the people I worked with were friends, but when it came down to it, they were just colleagues who didn’t care about me at all once I’d gone. Not like Beth: she was a true friend.
I hated to see her so down at the moment. I knew it wouldn’t be forever but she was so fed up with not being able to get up and about as much as she could before without the use of crutches. Hopefully when she started her physio sessions soon, it would see her on the mend and recuperating fully. I decided that perhaps I should pop over and see her later; even if we just watched TV together, it was company for her.
Although I lived on a farm, it was still nice to get out and about, so I decided to take Baxter for a walk in the forest. The rattle of his lead alerted him to the fact that he was going out for a walk and he bounced up and down on his back legs in excitement. Dogs were simple creatures, and just wanted to be fed, loved and walked. Maybe a belly rub every now and again. I didn’t think I wanted much more than that these days, to tell the truth.
I chatted along to Baxter as we drove along. I was sure people might think I was loopy, however I presumed other dog parents did this too. It was a beautifully sunny day, although still a little nippy out of the sun, and I was glad that these days I always left a lightweight body warmer in the back of the car. I was constantly in jeans and hoody tops these days instead of smart suits, and never caught out without one pocket full of dog treats and the other full of poo bags. Oh the glamour!
The forest was quiet as we got out of the car and we walked for miles. As we headed up an incline, deep into the forest, I stopped to take photos on my phone every so often, so that I could show Alice just how fine Baxter was. The light was shining through the tall trees and the photos looked gorgeous. I chatted away to him, inane rubbish, taking in the stunning countryside around me; something I’d not really noticed for a long time.
From the higher ground, you could see for miles. I supposed when you worked all the time and had a company car, there was no need to walk anywhere so you missed out on lots of beautiful things along the way. I’d not been a good sleeper for years but I already knew that the fresh air I was getting from playing with the dogs at work, and getting out into the allotment when I could, was definitely helping me sleep better at night.
There was a memorial bench at the end of a tree-lined avenue, so I decided to take a break and got a bottle of water out of my rucksack with a pop-up bowl, and gave Baxter a drink. He was panting like crazy.
The bench had an inscription on it. I ran my hands over the brass plate as I read the words:
Christine Robinson 1936–2006
Beloved Mother and Wife.
Missed every day. Forever in our hearts.
I wondered about Christine Robinson, who she was and what sort of a person she was. It sounded like her family adored her and I felt quite sad thinking that I’d lost a chance at being a mum and might never get the chance again.
I closed my eyes and lifted my head to the sun while I thought about her. Footsteps brought me back to the present and Baxter started to bark lightly. A pretty thirty-something lady and her dog were walking over to the bench.
‘May I join you?’
‘Of course.’ I shuffled across to make some room, and I stroked Baxter who went up to the lovely Labradoodle and sniffed his bum.
‘Beautiful day, isn’t it?’ she smiled at the dogs. ‘Good job people don’t behave like that isn’t it?’
‘It sure is. Breaks the ice though, I suppose.’ We both laughed.
‘I was just sitting here wondering about the lady who the bench is dedicated to.’
‘Well, I might be able to clear that up for you. Christine Robinson was the loveliest lady you could ever imagine.’
‘Oh wow! You knew her?’ Madison asked.
‘My mum.’
I really didn’t know what to say, and there was a long pause before she spoke again. ‘I like to walk my dog Becks and come and sit on this bench and chat away to her when I need to be close to her.’
‘Oh I’m so sorry. Let me go and leave you to it.’
‘No, please don’t. Do stay. We had a bench put here so that other people could enjoy it too. I’m a big believer in everything happening for a reason, and there must be a reason why you are here on the bench today and you look a bit sad, if you don’t mind me saying. Sorry, I’m very forward, aren’t I? My ex-husband always used to say that I’m way too overfamiliar with people I’ve just met. Good job my second husband doesn’t feel the same way. I’m Grace, by the way. And this is Becks.’
‘Maddy and my buddy Baxter. It’s nice to meet you, Grace.’
‘You too, Maddy, and I do hope I haven’t offended you by saying that you looked sad.’
‘No, not at all. I just have a lot on my mind, to be honest.’
‘Want to talk about it? Or would you rather not?’
‘I’ve met up with my ex recently, and he wants us to get back together, both at work and at home.’
‘And what is your heart telling you to do?’
Breathing deeply, I sighed. ‘I really don’t know.’
‘Well, my lovely mum always used to say that if you weren’t sure of what to do, then you should do nothing and eventually the answer would come to you. When it feels right. If it doesn’t feel right, don’t do it. She always said anything that you have to wait for, is worth waiting for, if it’s meant to be.’
‘My mum said exactly the same thing. Sounds like your mum was a very wise lady, Grace. I’m sorry she’s not around anymore.’
‘Oh she’s always around me, Maddy. In the whispering trees, in the fragrance that comes from nowhere, in the smile of my boy Archie, the twinkle of my daughter Meredith’s eyes. I know she’s always around me and that’s such a comfort.’
‘Well I think that’s just beautiful, Grace. What a lovely way to remember her. And what you said before about doing nothing until you have the answer that feels right is exactly what I needed to hear right now. You sound like you have experience of making a decision like this.’
‘Oh I do, indeed. I had to choose between going back to my cheating ex husband, which would have rebuilt our family and made my son happy, or making a new life with someone I didn’t know very well. As I mentioned earlier, I’m married to my second husband now, and we have a daughter, so you know how that worked out – although it was a really hard decision. I am of the opinion, though, that leopards don’t change their spots. But that’s just me. Who knows what your future holds? All I know is that everyone deserves to be happy in what they do and who they are with. I’m not sure if that’s helped or not,’ she laughed.
‘It’s certainly given me more to think about. Thank you, Grace. I’m going to leave you in peace now to chat to your mum. Thank you for your help.’
‘See I told you; there’s always a reason that people meet. I wish you well making your decision Maddy. If you are ever over in Little Ollington, perhaps we’ll bump into each other.’
‘Little Ollington!
That’s the second time recently I’ve heard someone mention that village. A friend of mine who is helping me with my allotment mentioned a friend of his who lives there who studied horticulture and said he might be able to help too.’
‘Little Ollington is only small. And I just happen to be married to a landscape gardener who studied horticulture.’
‘He wouldn’t be called Vinnie, by any chance, would he?’
She laughed. ‘He would, indeed!’
‘Wow, isn’t it a small world? What a coincidence.’
‘You could say that. To be honest, I’m a big believer that there’s no such thing as a coincidence in life. I told you, everything happens for a reason.’ She reached in her back pocket and pulled out a business card with her husband’s business details on it and handed it to me. ‘Give him a call. If you tell him that you met me here, I’m sure he’ll come over and do a free consultation for you. If he does, perhaps I can pop over with him too and you can update me on your situation.’
‘That would be so fab, Grace. I have a feeling you and I would never stop talking! I’ll give him a call and sort something out. Thank you so much. Now I really am going. Enjoy your chat with your mum.’
Grace smiled at me kindly, and Baxter and I made our way back into the forest.
As I walked back along the forest path, I realised that since I’d left work, I’d made more new friends than I had for years. I used to call the people I used to work with my friends, but were they really? Drinks in the pub after work, and me being the one who was always relied on to do a birthday whip round, but where were they when I was desperately low after I’d been made redundant? I didn’t even get a measly card and not one of them had picked up the phone to see how I was. The people I’d met since I’d left had been way more genuine; Rebecca and now Grace. Caring people that I could see myself being friends with, in time. How lovely.
Baxter was properly frolicking in the long grass, alternating between jumping over the heather, which was starting to flower, and stooping low to stalk a bird. I stopped to take lots more photos. I had decided that I was going to put a book together to send over to Alice in Australia as a surprise, and to keep Baxter in her thoughts so that she could rest assured, knowing that he was having such fun.