“A little.” He rested his hand over my index finger to stop it from tapping on the table. “Plus, are you offering massages in the middle of K-7?”
“What? Why?” I patted myself down. “Crap.” Hastily, I unclipped the holster from my waist and tossed it on the table, a bottle of lavender-scented oil rolling across its surface.
“Use it as a publicity gig. You could call it, ‘Rum with a Rub.’” Bo playfully gave my shoulder a nudge. “Better yet, ‘Drink out the kinks.’”
“Remind me to never hire you for marketing.” I bit the inside of my cheek to keep a straight face.
“You know you want to laugh,” he said.
“Nope.” I pressed my lips together. “I’m not encouraging you.”
Bo’s smile melted me a little. As much as I didn’t want to admit it, my mood eased with his bad jokes. Even if it were a brief break, I forgot about the dress, Miles, and the Paige-Annelies tag-team combo.
Bo had been my male counterpart from the moment I’d moved to Cannon Cove, and few days went by where we didn’t at least text each other. He’d been there to dry my tears and pick me up every time I’d stumbled.
When no one else would.
When I needed it.
When it wasn’t his responsibility.
When I didn’t deserve it.
“This isn’t the Bo and Jade show. Pay attention. Serious wedding business here.” Paige chastised us with a wag of her index finger.
“If all of this is so important, where’s Eli?” I asked. “He’s the groom.”
The focus shifted to Annelies. “He would be, but—”
“He had to meet up with his dad tonight,” Paige cut off the bride, taking control of the conversation. “Complicated wedding planning, you wouldn’t understand. Anyway, let’s get back to the reason we’re here.” She folded her hands, displaying manicured nails adorned with dozens of tiny jewels and sparkles. “What are we going to do about the Nate thing? Jade can’t walk down the aisle alone, and we need someone who matches her…” Paige swallowed hard, thoughtfully picking out the right condescending noun to describe me, “persona.”
I hated that glittery bitch.
“I don’t know.” Annelies picked at the uneaten nachos on the plate in front of her, breaking the corner of a chip before setting it back down again. Her expression softened mildly but only because she spoke directly to Paige. “I’m at a loss here. Eli told me it’s my problem to find someone to replace Nate as best man. Most of his friends are away at college or are locals there now. Plus, there’s the Beer Brawl in Cali. It’s the same day as the wedding, and it’s a huge deal for anyone to miss.”
“Why is it your job to find—” I started, but Paige cut me off again.
“I don’t think we asked you,” she snapped at me and then consolingly rubbed Annelies’s shoulder. “I haven’t found anyone remotely acceptable either.”
“Hey. Sorry I’m late,” a female voice said.
I jumped.
Pretty Girl walked over to where we sat, removing a straw bag from her shoulder. Its near-emptiness flopped limply onto the table when she set it down.
“Who’s that?” I whispered in Bo’s ear as a waiter refilled my water and set a beer down for my bestie.
“You don’t know?” Bo grabbed for his drink. “That’s Sienna. The photographer. Just moved here from Steele Falls.”
“No biggie, Sienna.” Paige batted her eyes. “You’re right on time.”
Bitch.
“Once again, back to the problem.” Paige took a drink. “Who’s going to take Nate’s place in the wedding?”
Sienna’s phone chirped twice, and she glanced down. “Can’t you leave me alone for five minutes?” With a venomous glare across the bar at Miles, she yelled, “I’m in the middle of a work meeting!” She turned back to us and showed her annoyance. “Sorry. He’s like a puppy. Doesn’t understand boundaries and shit. Sometimes spraying him with a water bottle helps. Sometimes it doesn’t.”
And then it happened. Paige looked across the room and over at me, her red lips stretched so tightly across her teeth they nearly disappeared. It reminded me of a clown out of a horror movie. “Annelies, do you know what I’m thinking?”
“As usual, I have no idea.” She poked at a massive blob of sour cream with her fork.
“Think,” Paige said. “Connect the dots.”
“I don’t feel like doing puzzles right now. Besides, they make those numbers so tiny and hard to read,” Annelies replied.
“No.” Paige placed each of her palms on Annelies’s cheeks. “Try harder.” The H.B.I.C. squeezed, squishing Annelies’s lips vertically to resemble a fish face. “Over there.” She turned the bride’s head forty-five degrees to the right.
“Barry?” Annelies pulled away from Paige’s grip and rubbed her jaw. “He’s my mom’s accountant. Yuck.”
“Nope. Next table over.”
“Who?” Annelies’s eyes brightened briefly until they settled on Miles. The flicker fizzled, and she shook her head left and right. “Him?”
“Come on,” Paige said. “We’re running out of options and time.”
“Hello, it’s the best man. Doesn’t that go against bro code? Plopping some random in? The groom should know his end of the wedding party. Just like I should know mine. I have my incredible sister, my best friend in the world,” Annelies nodded toward Paige, “and… Jade.”
“I vote chicks before dicks.” Paige stared at Annelies. “He left you with an impossible situation to fix; I’m the only one who’s offering a solution.”
Apprehension clouded Annelies’s face. “Eli wouldn’t be on board with someone he doesn’t… I can’t.”
“Eli won’t be on board with what?” I asked, taking a sip from my re-filled water cup.
“Say, Sienna…” Paige said. Her tenor boomed, a futile attempt at innocence and a great success at ignoring my question.
“Yeah? Hang on a sec.” Sienna typed, tapping the screen hard with a scowl. “I’m running out of curse words. Throw some at me.” She snapped her fingers three times.
“Um,” Annelies said.
Sienna gestured with her hand. “Swear words. Sentence enhancers. Hit me up.”
“Muff spelunker. Jizz squeegee. Dick giblet. Crap basket. Ass toboggan,” Paige rattled off quickly.
Sienna tapped furiously into her phone. “Great. ‘Meanie face’ and ‘gosh darn’ don’t get the point across with him.”
Paige curved the topic. “How old is he?”
“Who?” Sienna wrinkled her forehead as she clicked faster, her eyes flicking upward to meet Paige’s.
Paige nodded once across the bar.
Sienna replied, “Seth?”
Paige nodded.
Hold up. Who’s Seth?
She stopped tapping the keys to set the phone down and reached for her cup. “Why?” The word stretched out like warm taffy.
“I hate being backed into a corner.” Annelies whined. “This can’t be my only option.”
“Come on. It’s the best idea I… we have,” Paige coaxed. “You want Burlap Barry in your wedding pictures instead? Maybe Sienna could make your photo album into one of those toddler board books with the textures.”
“Fat chance,” Annelies replied.
Paige tapped her watch. “Tell me your plan then. Tick tock.”
If I didn’t know better, I’d have sworn Annelies swallowed glass with her words. “Ehh… Maybe he could walk with Jade?”
That’s what’s happening here?
“No!” I exclaimed with a forceful letter “o.”
All attention at the table landed on me while a fine mist of beer sprayed from Sienna’s mouth as a finale. She coughed and sputtered. “Seriously? Is this punishment?”
<
br /> “Totes serious,” Paige said.
“I can’t get far enough away from that… what was it… dick giblet right now. He’ll completely ruin my concentration. You hired me for epic wedding pictures, right? Not a clusterfuck of photos that look like a blindfolded raccoon took them.”
Annelies scrunched her eyes shut. Slowly, she focused on Sienna and took a deep breath. “What if I pay double your hourly rate? You know, for pain and suffering.”
The sound of the slot machine, also known as my father’s wallet, paying out rang in my head again.
Sienna bit her lip. The enticing carrot of cold, hard cash dangled front and center. “Umm…”
“It’s settled!” Paige clapped her hands quietly in front of her nose. “There. Crisis averted. You’re welcome.”
“Doesn’t anyone care what I think about this idea? I’m the one walking down the aisle with him,” I said.
Paige cocked her head to the side, her bold pixie cut barely moving. “Not so much. Sienna’s on board. Annelies and I are cool with it. Who else matters?”
I held back from slapping the red lipstick off her face.
But wait! There was hope. Miles… Seth… Dick Giblet still wasn’t in the loop on the plan. If my encounter with him on the massage table told me anything, he’d immediately say no. I crossed my fingers and toes under the table.
The situation couldn’t be worse. Worse than Eddie and his diarrhea. Worse than any amount of skin Leif could shed on my floor. All along, I’d wanted to run far away from the wedding, but having to hang out with Miles? No way. Earlier in the day, I’d learned rock bottom had a basement, but I was already there. What’s below the basement?
“I’m with Jade. This is a bad idea for many reasons,” Bo said. “If Cannon Cove is a pair of tighty-whities, that dude’s a shit stain.”
“Shit stain! That’s a good one!” Sienna texted again.
“Thank you, Bo!” Finally, someone saw the situation from my perspective. But I realized I hadn’t told Bo about Miles’s identity in being my craptastic client. “You know him?” I whispered.
“We went to school together,” Bo’s eyes flicked up, “way back.”
Annelies patted Bo on the hand. “I get it. You want to be the prettiest guy in the wedding party, but the problem is I need a warm body with balls, and I have few days to accomplish it.”
“Watch and learn, ladies. And Bo.” Paige adjusted her top, swaying non-existent hips on her twiggy frame as she bee-lined across the room, angling herself over Miles’s table to show off exposed cleavage.
Miles listened to her with a critical stare, shaking his head left and right when she finished talking. Paige hiked her thumb over her shoulder next. After a pause, she offered a few more sentiments. He leaned back, crossed his arms, and reiterated a firm “no.”
This may work out yet!
She sat down across from him and continued, folding her hands as if she properly spoke to a small child. He glanced over twice more before his eyes settled on Sienna. The conversation lobbed back and forth, yet his mean mug remained intact. It didn’t stop her though; she fought to wear him down. Whatever Paige said next caused his expression to change. The rigidness softened. Posture repositioned. Arms unfolded. The scales tipped and not in my favor. He nodded!
That’s not how this works. Stay strong, Dime Tipper. Don’t give up the good fight!
“Nope.” I pushed my chair back and tried to stand up, but Bo firmly grabbed my thigh to bolt me in place.
“Don’t let her win,” he murmured. “You can’t change what’s going to happen. Giving in is Annelies’s endgame. If you bail, she’ll run to Daddy Cranston with crocodile tears and get anything she wants.”
I knew he was right. Bo knew my family dynamic and the multiple streams of relationship undercurrents at the table as well as Roxy did.
Before I realized it, Miles… Seth… I didn’t know what to call him, stood over our table. My desire to socialize shrunk as our party exponentially grew.
He sat down in the only available chair— on my left. The scent of his aftershave clung to the air, a faint hint of cedar causing my breathing to slow. If I stopped inhaling, I wouldn’t have to replay his abysmal appointment that morning. It seemed like a reasonable solution.
“Hey,” Miles announced his presence, refusing to acknowledge me directly.
Paige batted her eyes. “Welcome to the wedding party. This will be great! Introductions? Bo. Annelies.” She waved in my direction and didn’t bother to verbalize my name.
“I know exactly who he is,” Bo replied.
“Sorry Sienna was late,” Miles said without remorse. “I’ll take the blame.”
“Damn right it was your fault,” she replied.
“Well, I couldn’t get someone,” he frowned at her, “out of the shower, if you want the truth.”
She rolled her eyes. “If you’d have stopped pounding—”
Yuck. Don’t want to know their shower sex details. I shuddered.
“Yeah. Well, Jade was late, too,” Paige cut her off.
“No kidding? Late, huh?” Miles mumbled under his breath. “What a shock.”
I scooted my chair closer to Bo.
“Just so we’re clear, I’m only agreeing to the wedding because I need to watch this one.” Miles eyed Sienna.
“Trust issues much?” Sienna lowered her voice, “Don’t go there, Seth. Swear to God. I’m warning you.”
“For real. You two argue a lot in five minutes.” Bo glanced at Sienna before finishing his drink in two long swallows. “If this is how you act in public, I can imagine how you sling words behind closed doors.”
“Speaking of words, thought your name was Miles,” I muttered.
“And I thought you’d be respectful enough to show up on time for your friends, even if you’re late for clients. Guess we’re both wrong.”
“Who says they’re all friends?” I murmured.
He ignored me.
“Makes me wonder what else you’re hiding,” I said.
Annelies interrupted by clearing her throat to redirect the attention onto her. “Okay, great! Next item is the itinerary.”
“The what?” I asked.
“Itinerary,” Annelies said more slowly, enunciating each syllable. “It’s like… a list of things to do and places to go at a certain time.”
“I know what an itinerary is,” I said. “What I don’t understand is why I need one.”
“This is up your alley. You love lists.” Bo aimed to elbow me in the side.
I contorted my torso, angling my ribs away from him.
Silly me. So much for powering through the event quickly, much like ripping a bandage off a hairy arm. The reminder of Barry didn’t help. “Quickly” equated to less pain. Evidently, Annelies owned me, and she’d pull the virtual adhesive off slow as possible.
“What the heck?” I stared at the stack of papers in Annelies’s hand as she handed individual sheets around the table.
Annelies turned toward Miles. “Sorry. I’m one short. Didn’t expect to find a best man by shopping K-7.” She paused. “Pick up your tux from Seamless by the 4th. I’m sure someone at the table will fill you in on the rest.”
“Ridiculous. I don’t have this kind of time,” I said.
Paige arched an eyebrow. “Really? I heard The Triple C’s closed while Roxy’s in Maui.”
“It is. But that doesn’t mean I’m letting a funeral for two take over my life.”
“How will you know where or when you need to be somewhere if you don’t have the schedule?” Annelies asked.
“It’s just a wedding. Not a lifelong commitment,” I replied. “Not for me, at least. It is for you.”
“Just a wedding? Are you kidding?” Paige exclaimed. “This
will be the most exciting event Cannon Cove has seen in decades. You should thank Annelies for allowing you to take part in it.”
I sniffed back a laugh. “Thank you? Is that the proper wedi-quette these days?”
“There are other activities, and your involvement is key,” Annelies said. “I can always talk to Cranston if there’s an issue...”
I didn’t process the rest of the nonversation she spewed. The teeny purple font on the page she thrust my direction left my head spinning. “A carnival? Fireworks? A dance lesson? Bonfire?” I officially hated that piece of paper. It wouldn’t work because I wasn’t willing. Maybe I lived in a fairytale where I assumed I’d show up to the wedding, in my soon-to-be revised dress, and wash my hands of the entire situation after a few hours. Instead, my eyes swam in a sea of glittering ink. Drowning held a whole new meaning.
Well, personal life, it’s been nice knowing you. Annelies Taft had me by the lady balls and wasn’t loosening her grip.
“This is dumb.” I crumpled the page into a little ball and tossed it on the table.
Annelies whispered more to Paige, oblivious to my action.
Bo reached for my thigh for a second time to keep me from leaving. He spoke, but I was too busy glancing in Sienna’s direction to take much notice. “Reel it in, Nash. You know Annelies is trying to annoy you.”
Miles caught me looking their way while he listened to Sienna. He nodded toward me. “Hey. I found your nose. It’s in my business. Butt out.”
“Leave Jade alone,” Bo demanded.
Miles jutted his chin. “Ever thought about learning to speak fluent silence?”
“Wanna say that to my face outside?” Bo asked.
“Jesus. I didn’t know this was going to be a ‘doesn’t play well with others’ party. Relax.” He held up his hands in a gesture of surrender. “Defensive much?”
My phone buzzed. Roxicodone’s name appeared on the screen. After debating whether to let the call go to voicemail, I gave in and answered, hopeful an interruption would help the awkwardness at our table. At least for me.
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