“Engaged, huh?” 4B recalled the photos on her dresser. She assumed the tall blond boy in one of them was Kev.
“You haven’t set a date, but now that you’ve graduated we hope it will be soon.” Roslyn let the comment trail off and just gave 4B a long look. “Of course you still have your internship and residency coming up, but I hope you don’t wait long before you have the wedding. I know Kev is ready to get started.”
4B tried to keep her face from showing the shock. She was engaged. She drank the last of her milk.
“Still nothing?
“Nothing,” she lied. Well, it wasn’t a complete lie. It was true the information hadn’t triggered any memories, but the shock she felt was certainly something.
When her mother couldn’t stifle her yawns anymore, they decided to try to get some sleep. Having a little more context around things, she went straight to the photos on her dresser and studied them. She took them out of the frames and found dates, names, and places written on the backs of them. Some of the frames contained more than one photo. It seemed she’d just put photos on top of others over time. There were about a dozen snapshots in all. One was of her on a horse. Some were of her and various friends. Most were of her and Kev or her and Layce. One had Kev standing behind her, leaning against a low wall, while she stood in front of him, wrapped in his arms. They looked happy. Another photo was of her and Layce. The back of the photo described them as best friends with a heart around Layce’s name. Layce was a tall, beautiful, athletic-looking girl, and in the picture they stood side by side in front of a skiff that floated in the river behind them. They wore identical rowing uniforms, and Layce’s arm was draped casually over her shoulders. Her arm was wrapped around Layce’s waist. They looked happy, too. It was interesting to her, looking at herself in the photos, seeing the connection she had with others, yet she didn’t feel connected to the moments or the people in them. She looked around her room again. She still didn’t feel connected to the things she saw, the tasteful decorations and neutral colors. She put the photos back into the frames and turned off the light.
She curled up on the bed and called Nora. It was almost 4:00 AM in Massachusetts. Almost midnight in Juneau. All 4B needed was to hear her voice, so they only spoke for a few minutes. When they hung up, she could still hear Nora’s voice in her mind, the rich calming tones, the smooth pace. She especially remembered the tingling anticipation of hearing what Nora would say next. They hadn’t talked about anything major, but she wanted more. It seemed they’d never run out of words to share. When they’d hung up, 4B felt better, but she hadn’t told Nora about Kev, the fiancé, her fiancé. How could she? He wasn’t even real yet. Just an old photo on her dresser and a name programmed into her phone.
She hadn’t slept well that night. Unsurprisingly, the late talk with her mother had brought up all kinds of questions about who she was, her life, what she was going to do. But mostly, she felt guilty for not telling Nora about Kev. She woke, tired and fuzzy after less than two hours of restless sleep, immediately wanting to call Nora, to tell her she was engaged, to see what kind of advice Nora would give her. She stared at her phone, imagining Nora still asleep. Despite Nora’s assurance 4B could call any time, Nora had told her she was going with Tack on a provision run that day, so 4B decided to call later.
The house was still and quiet when she got out of bed. The smell of coffee brewing filled her with a sense of comfort. She pulled on a thick robe and left her room to follow the scent. A thermal carafe sat on the counter, although there was no one around. She poured a steaming cup, and after adding cream and sugar, she stole out onto a patio overlooking a neat flower garden being groomed for the pending winter. A bed of vibrant calibrachoa encircling a mound of mums provided a late season splash of color. Beyond that, a long, neatly landscaped lawn scattered with falling leaves sloped away from the house and ended at a copse of thick woods. The damp air was chilly. Everything was wet, and clouds still mottled the sky, but the rain that had been falling since she had arrived had finally paused. She removed a plastic cover from one of the wicker chairs, and curled up on the cool, soft cushion, tucking her bare feet underneath her. Shivering, she clutched her coffee cup and enjoyed the sounds of the waking day.
Patches of sunlight and blue sky occasionally broke between the gray clouds being swept east by a light wind. Each time a waterfall of sunlight illuminated an area near her, she was transfixed with the resulting diamond-studded landscape. Drops of fallen rain clung to the edges of the stubborn remnants of summer and outlined the colorful leaves on the limbs of the trees around her. The smell of wet earth and cleansed vegetation floated in the morning air. Something in the moment felt like home. She closed her eyes and breathed deeply.
4B was filled with a nervous peace. It reminded her of the sense of anticipation she had felt in the days after waking from the accident. She’d spent her days studying Nora, watching her move around the camp, taking care of them, playing cards, laughing. They had been in a scary predicament, yet it had seemed so simple. There had been an underlying anxiety over being rescued, but she knew most of it was what she had absorbed from Nora, since her own lack of memory brought the gift of being unconcerned with what she didn’t know. But there had been a tingle of excitement all along. And then the bear had visited them, and in the aftermath of that, 4B had known she was attracted Nora. It had been so simple and uncomplicated. She shut her eyes and remembered. The firelight had bathed them. And for once, she was providing comfort to Nora. She’d lain beside Nora, trying to calm her, all the while, feeling like she couldn’t get close enough to her. So she had touched her, and the restlessness had eased, replaced with a desire that still filled her when she thought about Nora. She longed to touch her now. She sighed and drifted in body memories that held no confusion or fear.
Early afternoon brought another rainstorm and 4B’s restlessness was growing. She was confined to a house she didn’t know and there was no one to keep her company. Her mother was home, not wanting to go too far during 4B’s first day home but she was working in her office located in the back of the house. Looking perfectly put together, 4B was amazed at her mother’s energy the two times she’d seen her that day, once when she had checked in to see how 4B was doing and another for a few minutes when her mother had come out for a cup of coffee. 4B hadn’t seen her father, who had gone to the hospital much earlier, according to her mother. Miriam was around, but she had disappeared into the many rooms of the rambling house after a tearful reunion, leaving 4B alone once again to putter about. Left to her own devices, and with no outlet to express the feelings that were bubbling up from a well of memories just outside her reach, 4B moved from room to room, seeking comfort in drinking too much coffee and eating too many chocolate chip cookies.
Finally, 4B settled in the informal dining area off of the large kitchen and stared out at the yard as the weather whipped at the remaining leaves on the trees. A notepad rested under her tapping fingers. She’d composed a letter to Nora in her mind, but when it came to putting the words on paper, she couldn’t do it. There was too much to say, and the words and ideas competed in her mind. An enormous feeling built within her, but the words she conjured did nothing to describe it adequately. It was as if the very act of trying to define it pushed it away. She felt like she was chasing mercury, the small silver beads scattering and coalescing of their own will, slipping away as she reached for them, eluding capture. All the while, she wondered—if she caught anything, would it do more harm than good?
Her restless fingers began to doodle and then to draw. A portrait of Nora took shape beneath the tip of her pen.
A crack of thunder rattled the house and 4B’s thoughts wandered to the storm that had raged while she and Nora had been in the forest. How comfortable they had been playing cards and talking, sheltering under the broken wing. And then her thoughts drifted to the night they had first made love. She remembered every touch, every word, every sensation that had rocked her body and heart, and as she lost herself in
her memories, a little of the restless energy left.
A hand on her shoulder made her jump. She dropped the pen she’d been holding and it rolled across the table.
“Sorry, honey. I seem to be getting into the habit of startling you,” said Roslyn, pulling out the chair next to her and sitting down. She placed a fresh cup of coffee on the table in front of 4B, and her nerves twisted at the thought of ingesting any more caffeine. At the same time, she craved the comfort of cradling the warm cup in her hands. Her mother smiled.
“Decaf.”
“Perfect, thanks,” said 4B, lifting the cup to her mouth. The steam from the hot liquid wafted up over her chin and into her nose. She sighed.
Roslyn turned the notepad so she could see the picture 4B had been absorbed in. “Oh, that’s a lovely drawing of Nora.”
4B looked at the picture. She barely remembered drawing it. The memories she’d been enjoying had demanded more of her active brain. As a result, the picture had been a product of her deeper mind, the part that felt more than thought. The image was of the first time 4B had seen Nora’s face. She was above her, the sun shining through the edges of her hair. Now as she studied it, it could have been Nora getting ready to kiss her. The expression on Nora’s face was one of elation and discovery, an expression that 4B had come to love.
4B nodded and her fingers traced the edge of the sketch.
“She’s a very beautiful woman,” said Roslyn, studying the drawing. “I didn’t expect that in Alaska.”
“What do you mean?”
“It just seems like such a hard place to live. Like it would weather the people.”
“I like it there.” 4B didn’t mention that she had seen many beautiful women in Alaska. The women seemed comfortable in their skins. None of them had been more beautiful than Nora, though.
“Have you talked to her since you arrived home?” asked Roslyn.
“Yes, a couple of times.” She didn’t mention the calls had become her touchstone, and not having that link today while Nora was working with Tack had been harder than she’d thought it would be.
“You two seemed quite close. I imagine, under the circumstances, you were dependent on her. It would build a friendship rather quickly, I’d think.”
“Yes, we’re very close.” 4B wanted to tell her mother they were more than just close, that they were lovers, but something stopped her. The fact that she had a fiancé was a good enough reason for her to be careful. Roslyn glanced at 4B as if she were going to say something, but changed her mind. She studied the picture a few seconds longer.
“Do you think you’ll remain friends? Despite the distance? Like you and Layce have?”
She wanted to remind her mother that she didn’t remember Layce, that she didn’t remember anyone. But she didn’t want to see the sadness settle on her mother’s face when she was reminded of such things. So she shrugged and answered honestly.
“I hope so. I can’t imagine not having Nora in my life.”
“She did save it,” agreed her mother.
In more ways than one, thought 4B, taking a sip of the decaf coffee, and then wondered why she had thought that particular thing.
They were quiet for a minute, while 4B watched the rain hitting the window and thought about Nora.
“I forgot what a talented artist you are.”
Roslyn flipped through the pages in the notepad; past sketches of horses, trees, a dock with rowboats tied to it; past a relaxed hand, and a bird sitting on a fence; until she stopped at a half-finished picture of a girl, a few pages in.
Roslyn stopped to study the sketch. 4B had seen the drawing when she had found the pad of paper in her bedside table and had absently flipped through it. “I haven’t seen Layce since she moved to California. How is she?” her mother asked.
“I don’t know,” said 4B.
“You were just out th—” began Roslyn, but she stopped. “How careless of me. You don’t—” 4B listened as her normally implacable mother struggled with words. It was another thing she inexplicably knew—her mother’s grace under any pressure—well, almost any pressure. The older women pulled back her shoulders and took a deep breath. “I’m sorry, honey.”
“It’s okay. It’s kind of weird. I think I’m remembering feelings before remembering events. I mean, some things feel familiar even if I don’t remember the specific detail. Then, other things I think I should feel something about, there’s nothing. If that makes sense.”
“It does, and I guess it’s a start,” said her mother. She paused and seemed to search 4B’s eyes for something. “I’m not sure if this is the right time, but I wonder if you would reconsider talking with Kev.” At the look of question on 4B’s face, her mother added: “I spoke to him this morning. He said you haven’t answered any of his calls. He’s worried about you.”
“I don’t even know him,” 4B tried to explain.
“You’ve known him your entire life, honey. When you talk to him, maybe it will—”
“But I don’t remember him, Mom. Not at all.” 4B hated the look of disappointment on her mother’s face. She also wondered why she wasn’t more curious about this man who was supposed to share her life. She felt more curiosity about Layce than she felt about Kev. She sighed and shrugged. “Can you tell me a little bit about him?”
Her mother smiled and settled back into her chair. She seemed to gather her thoughts.
“Your fiancé, Donald Kevin Kirkham, is the son of Daddy’s best friend, Jackson. Do you remember Judge Donald Jackson Kirkham?” When 4B shook her head, she went on in that sing-song way of someone retelling a well-known story. “Daddy has known Jackson all his life. And Jackson’s wife, Sandra, is one of my dearest friends. The Kirkhams are like family to us. We go on vacations together and celebrate holidays together. When Sandra and I had babies so close together, we joked that we timed it so you two could marry to merge the families. For a while, it seemed pretty far-fetched, but you surprised us. You can imagine our joy when you two decided to get married.” 4B’s mother looked like she was lost in happy memories. “Like his father before him, Kev goes by his middle name. He’s a lawyer like his father, too, and now that Jackson is a judge, Kev is running the family law firm. You and Kev have played together at family gatherings since you were infants. Let’s see…” Her mother touched 4B’s chin. “He hit you with a croquet mallet when you were three. That’s where this little scar under your chin came from.”
4B ran her fingers over the small bump under her chin. A feeling of déjà vu swept over her, but no memory.
“You got him back a few years later, though, when you pushed him backward down the slide at the marina. He banged his head so badly on the way down, he needed twelve stitches just over his ear. I’ll never forget your little face when you followed him down that slide, intent on finishing what you started. But when you saw the blood, all of the anger left your face, and you went right over and applied pressure to the wound. When your father tried to tend to him, you told him you would take care of it. I think that’s when you started to talk about becoming a doctor.” Her mother paused with a soft smile playing across her face. “Anything yet?”
4B shook her head. She was enthralled by the story, but it didn’t feel at all personal.
“When he went away to boarding school in seventh grade, you two drifted apart. He’s a year ahead of you and you started to run with a different group of kids who you met at the rowing club. Your new friend, Layce, didn’t get along with Kev, so when he came home you didn’t reconnect, like usual. Sometime around your junior or senior year in high school, it all changed, and you and Kev grew closer. While Layce and you were still very close, her…” Roslyn paused to find the right word, “…interests led her into different circles. By the time all of you went off to college, you and Kev were dating pretty seriously, and things just built from there.” Roslyn paused again, and 4B, who was looking out the window, felt her gaze on her. “How about now?”
4B looked at her mother and shook h
er head one more time. A few emotions had bubbled under the surface as her mother spoke, but the prevalent feeling she had was one of hopelessness. All she could think about was how she was going to tell Nora about Kev.
“Not even when he asked you to marry him?” asked her mother. 4B shook her head. Roslyn’s eyes grew soft with memory, and 4B felt even worse that she couldn’t remember. A sense of irritation started to trickle in. “It was beautiful. He asked you during the 4th of July celebration at the Pritchards’. The one they put on every year down at the marina. The entire community and all of the members of the country club were there. Kev was so excited. He’d already talked to your father, so we knew about it weeks earlier, but you had no idea. In fact, you almost ruined it two weeks earlier, when you announced you were going to go on your first trip to Guatemala, which coincided with the week of the party. It turned out you had the dates wrong, though, and everyone was relieved. Even then, you showed up late to the party. You were so clueless. It was like one of those crazy movies where the audience is left wondering if all the plans would fall apart or come together. It wasn’t your fault. You didn’t know everyone was waiting for you. But, Layce,” her mother’s eyes narrowed. “She knew. Anyway, just when everyone thought you weren’t going to show up, you and Layce arrived. It was worthy of any soap opera,” laughed Roslyn. “We were just about to get things started, though, when Layce stormed off. You still had no idea about Kev’s surprise and you were going to go after her. But, the band started to play and the fireworks went off, and at the end, Kev had about a million sparklers lit on the other side of the river.” Her mother paused. “Anything now?”
4B shook her head yet again. She didn’t remember. Kev was her fiancé, so she must have accepted, but something inside of her knew she wouldn’t like someone putting her on the spot like that.
“The sparklers spelled out “MARRY EM ELIZABETH”. You were so shocked you didn’t notice the out of sequence letters, or him on his knee next to you with the ring. When he took your hand…” Roslyn, wiped a tear away. “It was so romantic. Everything leading up to that moment—all the starts and stops and wondering if you would even show up—it was all worth it. It’s been a long engagement. You’ve been at school and he’s been working out of state so much lately, but you two are just as in love now as you’ve ever been. No one can wait until you make it official.”
Chasing Mercury Page 26