by G M Eppers
Sir Haughty, keeper of the facts, quickly responded, “It’s over 1400 pounds.”
“It got moved in, it can be moved out.” He spoke quietly to Roger who nodded and ran off to make arrangements.
I looked around, baffled at how it had been brought in. It was certainly larger than either of the doorways. “Okay, everyone. Back to HQ,” I told my team. “There’s nothing we can do here. Dr. Zumperfeld, would you please notify us about your findings at your earliest convenience?”
“Of course, of course,” he muttered distractedly, pushing his glasses further up his nose. “Helena Montana, is it? CURDS?” I nodded affirmation. “Oh, yes, Roger’s told me so much about you.” He thrust his hand forward and I took it. My silver wrap slid off my shoulders and nestled in the crook of my elbow. His handshake was a single firm pump and then he let go and I was able to adjust the wrap.
I don’t have the muscular control to raise just one eyebrow but I tried to raise one anyway. What could Roger have told him about me? I’d just met Roger fifteen minutes ago. I smiled politely and led my team outside, where evidence of the evacuation remained. There were divots scattered on the White House lawn, in addition to the punctured inflatable tube men.
About ten minutes after we got home, most of us had changed into our normal casual attire. Jeans and chinos, pullover tops and comfortable shoes all around with the exception of Roxy who remained in her gown. She, the twins, Billings and I went out to the yard to burn off nervous energy while Nitro, Badger and Sir Haughty turned on the television to find news coverage of Big Block of Cheese Day. I was feeling the need to climb, so I went to the wall and buckled on the harness. I was wearing a sweater this time. The air was still cool, though the sky was clearer now. The twins were running around the track, leaping over the hurdles with synchronized precision, Roxy, who had removed her glass eye and was back to her eye patch, had chosen the chin-up bar, and Billings was working the horizontal ladder. I got to the top of the wall, but instead of rappelling down I turned and sat on the edge, looking down at the activity in the yard.
A body in the wheel of cheese. Who was it? Why was it there? It wasn’t confirmed that it was an entire body, of course, but it seemed most likely. The thought of the body reminded me about the exhumation. I slid to the other side of the wall and rappelled. I hadn’t told Billings anything about it and wondered vaguely if I should. He was hanging upside down from the far side of the horizontal ladder as he watched me leave the yard. “You okay, Mom?” His short hair was hanging straight down.
“Yeah, fine. Gotta use the john.” I escaped into the house again without telling Billings anything. I just couldn’t figure out how to bring up the subject, and when I tried the conversation in my mind it just didn’t seem very important. Did he really need to know about it? There was nothing he could do. It would probably all be over before we got there even if we caught the very next flight.
In my room, I put the phone on speaker and set it on my nightstand, grabbing my go bag from the closet. I started updating the bag. “Call Mom,” I told the phone. Now that I was back on active duty, I had to be ready to go. I hadn’t even cleaned out the stuff from the Minnesota trip. Tossing anything made of fabric into the hamper in the corner, I pulled out the pouch I used for personal items as the phone rang. This time, my mother answered. “Hello, Helena! Oh, I just love Caller ID. Don’t you? It’s so much easier. You know those telemarketers just take forever to get around to who they are and what they want. They just jabber jabber jabber as if you have ALL day to sit there and listen. And you know they are going to ask for money, and I do try to give when I can, but they keep calling anyway. In fact, you get even more calls like they told all their friends about you. I’d rather pay them money not to call, if you know what I mean…”
“How did it go today, Mom?” I spoke loudly from the bathroom as I refilled soap and shampoo bottles.
“I just saw on the news about that Big Block of Cheese Day thing. How awful! I’m so glad you weren’t there.”
I pulled out a new travel toothbrush and small tube of toothpaste and threw them in the pouch. “But I was there, Mom. The team kind of made me go.” Deodorant, comb, and brush. I zipped it closed and moved back to the bedroom.
“Oh dear. You didn’t eat the cheese, did you? They said it wasn’t a problem, but I’m not sure I believe it. Of course you didn’t eat any. I’ve never seen you eat any cheese. Even as a baby you wouldn’t touch it. You said Mickey Mouse should eat it because he’s too skinny. Really, I’ve never heard of anyone who hated cheese that much. Especially when your father loved it so…oh! Your father!” Then she remembered and her voice took on a sadder tone. “Butte took me to brunch, you know, which was very nice.”
“Is Butte there?” I asked. I might be able to get more information out of Butte than Mom at this rate.
“He’s at some protest thing downtown.”
“Have the police talked to you today? Did they find anything?” It had only been a few hours, but I was hoping for news. I picked out a change of clothes, clean underwear and socks and tucked them into the bag with the pouch.
“No, dear. I haven’t heard a word. But then we only got back from the brunch an hour ago. You could try his number, but I don’t think the police have talked to him, either.” She stopped and gasped again. “Unless he’s been arrested. You know how those protests go sometimes. It’s a wonder he’s not in jail. Nice young man. He really is. But he doesn’t make the best choices. Have you noticed?”
“Yes, Mom. I’ve noticed.” I disconnected from Mom and sat a moment debating whether to call Butte. There was still room in my go bag and I was trying to think of what else I wanted to take. It was a little difficult when I didn’t know yet where we would be going. Remembering how cold I’d been in Minnesota, I dug up a set of thermal underwear and stuffed it in. I’d probably have time to change my mind, but sometimes we didn’t. The better safe than sorry rule is not a bad one to live by.
I saw movement and Agnes and Avis were at my open doorway. Their faces still had a sheen of perspiration, though neither one was breathing heavy. Avis knocked, even though I was looking right at her. “Yes?” I said.
“I wanted to ask you a favor,” said Avis nervously.
“Go ahead. I was just updating my go bag. A dead body usually means we’re going somewhere. You girls up to date?” They had just returned from Australia and probably had dirty clothes to take care of.
“We will tonight,” responded Agnes for both of them, then nudged her sister.
Avis toed the hall carpet. “I wanted to ask you if . . . I’m planning to try on wedding dresses tomorrow. Unless we get called or something. Would you go with me? You’re the only one we know who’s ever had one and I’d really like your opinion. Isn’t helping with the dress something the matron of honor does?”
“I’d be happy to,” I said with a smile. It would be nice to think about something besides dead bodies for a while, and I was curious about how conjoined twins went about trying on dresses anyway. “What time do you want to leave?” It seemed a bit premature for picking a dress, but I suppose they wanted to do something fun. A lot of wedding planning can be pretty tedious. Trying on dresses, though, is another matter.
“About one. I want to try it on with a full stomach. If I find one I like and it has to be taken in later, that would make me feel good.” She bounced a bit, and the two turned and went back to the stairs, heading up.
I decided not to call Butte. The police wouldn’t have talked to him, anyway, since he wasn’t the next of kin. I still had nervous energy, so I went back down to the yard intending to run some laps. Billings was now alone and doing chin-ups. He saw me coming back and faked his count. “98, 99, 100.” He had to do chin-ups with his knees bent, so on 100 he straightened his legs, touched ground, and let go of the bar. “That was quite a bathroom break. You’re sure you’re okay?”
The others had gone. It was just the two of us. I took it as a sign from the Powers T
hat Be that it was time to tell Billings about his grandfather. “I was on the phone with my mother. There’s something I haven’t told you.” His expression became concerned and he walked toward me. Before he could jump to conclusions, I added, “I’m fine, Grandma’s fine. It’s nothing to worry about really.”
“Really?” His tone said I’ll be the judge of that. We sat next to each other on the top step of the back porch. It was getting toward late afternoon and the sun was going down. “Do you want to go inside? It’s chilly out here.”
“I’m okay if you’re okay. This won’t take long, and it’s kind of personal.” I paused while he waited, his impatience plain on his face. “They exhumed your grandfather today.”
It took a moment to sink in. “What do you mean?”
“They dug him up.”
“I know what exhume means. Why?”
I explained in general terms what Butte had told me yesterday about the ex-president’s brother and the discovery of what he had referred to as “unauthorized bodies.” “I just talked to my mother and she didn’t have any further information. Maybe tomorrow.” He seemed about to say something and then stopped himself. “What?”
With a shrug, he said, “It’s quite the body count this week. We don’t usually deal with actual dead people.” I put a hand on his knee. He wasn’t wrong. We captured bad guys, and most of the time they were alive, if not necessarily well, when we turned them over to authorities. “When I saw that finger sticking out of the cheese, I got a bad feeling, and now this Springfield thing. It just seems like, you know, when it rains it pours.”
“It’s an anomaly,” I told him, giving his knee a pat. “A change of pace. Whatever’s coming is going to be important. We need to be professional here, B.” I hadn’t called him by his initial since he was five, but it felt right. “Before you know it, we’ll be back to arresting people for stockpiling mozzarella. Stuff that was so drummed into you at the Academy you can do it in your sleep. For now, we’re going to have to wake up, be at the top of our game. You with me?” I stood up, for once towering over him as he looked up at me.
“Yeah. Yes, Mom. I’m with you.”
“Let’s go find dinner. I have a feeling no one is going to want the leftover Chinese food.”
He stood and my visual advantage was gone. “I don’t know. I think most of us want to trade in the fortune cookies. Whatever happened to you will meet a tall dark stranger?”
“B, you are the tall dark stranger.”
“Tall, yes. Dark, I suppose so –“
I finished for him. “Strange, definitely.”
We still hadn’t heard from the crime lab by lunchtime the next day, so Agnes, Avis and I took the Metro up to her bridal shop. It was a nice shop, called Bryzewski Bridal, at the base of a seven story business building. In the window was an elaborate bridal gown covered in lace with a hoop skirt, Queen Anne collar, leg-of-mutton sleeves, and a train that was wrapped around the floor twice. A small sign showed a price tag of $5000. “Don’t worry, Helena. That’s their show piece. My planner said they have a lot of different styles.”
A sales consultant came to welcome us to the shop. The woman was short and stout, swaying from side to side as she walked, dressed in an aquamarine satin business suit. She wore a tape measure around her neck and had pins stuck in a cushion on her wrist. “Hello, Avis, Agnes,” she said with a cheery little first soprano voice.
“Hi, Saffron, this is Helena, our boss. She’s going to help us look at dresses today.”
Saffron and I shook hands and I took a seat in front of the dais, which was half surrounded with mirrors. “I hope you have a good imagination,” she told me. “I simply won’t be able to pin it to hang right at this fitting. The final fitting will need extensive alterations, of course.” I nodded, fairly confident that I had the imagination to handle this.
As I sat watching, Saffron led the twins over to the dais and had them stand near the edge. With the measuring tape, she took several measurements including some that were fairly intrusive and one that made Avis giggle. I wonder if Billings is aware that her right elbow is extremely ticklish. Agnes shifted what she could one direction or another to make sure Saffron had good access to all the angles she needed. ”You’ve already told me your budget, so I think I know where I want to start,” said Saffron, draping the tape over her shoulders again. She stopped by the cash register to add more pins to her pincushion. She took Avis by the hand and guided the twins off the dais and into the back fitting room. “Be patient, Helena!” she called back to me. “This is a special case. It’s going to take a little extra time.”
While they were changing, I took the opportunity to call Badger to see if Roger had anything to report yet. “It took all night to move the thing to the lab,” he told me. “And no, I don’t know how they did it either. Magic, most likely. All I’ve heard from Roger so far is that they took a series of X-rays and were able to determine that it is the full body of an adult male. They won’t have anything more until they extract the remains from the cheese and that will probably take the rest of the day at least. It’s not like they can just hack it apart. It has to be done carefully to preserve as much soft tissue as possible.”
“I watched eleven seasons of Bones, Badger. I know the drill. After that they examine the remains for evidence and possible cause of death, DNA tests and blood tests, dental records if they can find them to try to determine ID. That part only takes about fifteen or twenty minutes on the show.”
Because he couldn’t see my wry smile, he misunderstood. “That could be several days truncated down for literary license,” he said. “Then they have to clean the flesh and study the bones to verify COD. We probably have time for two missions before we hear anything. Oh, wait. I’m getting another call.”
My phone was vibrating, too. “So am I. Call me back if you hear anything.” It used to be that simultaneous calls like that would have made me think that our Director, Miss Chiff, was calling with a mission. But a few months ago we’d all had tracking devices inserted subcutaneously into our upper arms and Miss Chiff now contacted us using a short electrical burst. That would be followed by a video signal on our TV at home that would link to the cell phone of anyone outside the home radius. Since I had felt no burst in my arm, I knew it wasn’t Miss Chiff calling. I disconnected with Badger and took the other call. It was Butte calling from my mother’s again. I sighed. I wanted information, but I didn’t really want to talk to Butte. On the other hand, Mom would just go on about how scandalized she felt and not give me any direct answers. “Hi, Butte. You have some news?”
“Do I have to have news to call you?”
“Yes.”
There was a brief pause, as if I’d offended him, but he had to have expected that answer. “Then I have news. A body was found in your father’s grave and another under your Aunt Hazel’s grave.” Aunt Hazel had died of natural causes, a cerebral hemorrhage, six and a half years ago. Her grave, as I recall, is on the other side of Dad’s, who was her brother. She never married and had no kids and was quite close to Mom, who had offered the gravesite without a second thought. “For a total of five unidentified bodies. They are still looking in a few more graves, but that might be all there is. The five authorized occupants are being housed in the storage crypt. The vaults had to be destroyed to get them out and they will be replaced at the city’s expense when reinterment takes place.”
“How long will that be?” I asked.
I could hear considerable rustling and odd noises coming from the bridal fitting room. “No, no, the other left!” I heard one of the twins say.
“They won’t commit to a time frame. They want to leave the excavation open until the case is closed in case they need to look for more evidence.”
“Did you go to the cemetery?”
“The whole Eternal Spring section is cordoned off. From what I could see, it looked respectfully done. The open areas are tarped and no one is being allowed anywhere near the site. Two security
guards are posted there at all times, day and night.”
More odd sounds came from the fitting room. “Ow!” said Saffron. There was an apology and she claimed the injury was her fault. I heard the sound of a slap. “Touch that pin and you die,” she added.
“Have they finished any autopsies?” I asked, wondering what on Earth was going on in the fitting room.
“They must have finished at least some by now. It was almost a week ago that they found that first one. But they haven’t released any information. I suppose they can’t until they have actual conclusions. The press is getting antsy.”
“How’s Mom?” I felt like I should have asked that earlier, but it wasn’t like it had been that long since I spoke to her.
“Ever heard of His and Hers and Hers washcloths?”
“What happened to the afghan? She can’t have finished it.” There was silence to that. “Butte?”
“Finished. Along with an afghan cozy to store it in. I think she’s developed an immunity to Klonopin.”
Things could be worse, I supposed. Thank goodness she wasn’t a drinker, or on Vicodin or Percocet.
“Is that Helena?” I heard her faint voice ask, followed by the squeak of her chair cushion telling me she was getting up to come to the phone. Then her voice came through clearer as she took the handset from Butte. “Helena! Don’t forget to NOT mention the afghan to Billings or the twins. It’s to be a surprise, now. Have they set a date?”
“Not yet, Mom. I’m with the twins at the bridal shop, though. Avis is trying on dresses.” That should get her, I thought. We’re at a bridal shop without her. It was virtually a mortal sin. “You want me to send pictures? I’d have to get the twins’ permission, though. This is just a trial run. They may not find something they like. We’re not going to rush this.”