Her words hit him like a fist to the gut. He ran a hand over his jaw, attempting to sort through his emotions before he spoke. This was far too important to say the wrong thing. “I appreciate the courage it took to tell me this,” he said carefully. “But if you think it’s made me reconsider my feelings for you, it’s done just the opposite. I admire you even more.”
Olivia shook her head. Fat tears leaked from the corners of her eyes. “You deserve a wife who’s not broken. One who can give you more children. Brothers and sisters for Sofia.”
He took her hand in his, trying to calm his frantic heartbeat and think logically.
He recalled her near hysteria at the hospital after her head injury, and it all made so much sense now. Her fear was real, something that could never be trivialized, and he struggled to find the right words to convey his thoughts. “There are other ways to have children, Olivia. Ones we can explore together.”
She’d wanted to adopt Abigail, but would she even consider adoption again after losing her too?
The streetlight above them flickered twice, then the yellow glow steadied. Another car passed them with a whoosh, creating a gust of air that swirled the dust on the road.
“I realize that.” Olivia let out a sigh. “But I won’t let you sacrifice yourself on my account.”
“What if I don’t consider it a sacrifice?” Frustration curled through his chest.
She shook her head. “I’m just trying to save us both the inevitable pain.” Abruptly, she got up from the bench and began walking in the direction of the car.
“Olivia, wait.” He rushed after her and matched his stride to hers. “We can’t leave it this way.”
She kept going as though she hadn’t heard, slowing only when she reached the car. Then she yanked open the door and got in.
He raked a hand through his hair. What could he say to convince her that it didn’t matter to him? Instinctively, he knew that because her wounds ran so deep, no matter what he said right now, she wouldn’t believe him.
Slowly, he got in the driver’s side and closed the door. He sat in silence for a few seconds, gripping the steering wheel but not starting the engine. At last, he forced his shoulders to relax and turned to look at her. Her back was ramrod straight as she stared out the window.
“Thank you for trusting me with your story,” he said quietly. “But it doesn’t change anything for me. I’m not giving up; however, I will respect your wishes. For now.” His chest ached at the thought of backing away from her, even temporarily. Now that Olivia had reawakened his heart, he couldn’t imagine not having her in his life.
But if she felt that strongly, what could he do to change her mind?
For the present, all he could do was trust that God would work things out for their mutual good.
He drove the rest of the way back to Bennington Place in miserable silence, then parked the car and got out.
Olivia had already stepped onto the sidewalk. “You don’t need to walk me to the door.” Her eyes appeared hollow. Haunted. This decision was costing her as well. That thought brought him no real consolation.
“Good night, Darius.” Still not looking directly at him, she opened the gate and went through, closing the door with a solid clang.
Darius leaned against the car, his shoulders sagging, and watched her climb the stairs to the front door. He would wait until she was safely inside and try not to think about how differently he’d planned the end of this evening.
A loud shriek pierced the night air.
Darius sprang away from the car. In two strides, he was inside the gate. “Olivia, are you okay?”
A shadow moved on the porch, and a tall, stout man stepped forward, his gaze focused on Olivia. “Well, hello. Aren’t you a pretty thing?”
Darius bounded up the steps to her side, adrenaline flooding his system. Even though it was barely nine o’clock, a man skulking about at this hour did not seem right. “What do you want?” He placed a protective arm around Olivia’s shoulder.
“I’m here for Jenny.” Beneath the porch light, the man’s features were visible. He had a round face, a blunt nose, and piercing eyes. The distinct odor of stale liquor wafted toward them.
Under Darius’s arm, Olivia stiffened. “Men aren’t allowed here without prior authorization,” she said in a clipped tone.
The man scowled. “You can’t keep me from seeing my wife.”
His wife? Why would a man’s wife come to a maternity home?
Olivia pulled herself up tall. “Unless Jenny wants to see you, you’re not welcome here. You may telephone the directress in the morning and discuss the matter with her.”
Veins stood out in the man’s neck, and his face turned a mottled shade of crimson.
Darius moved between Olivia and the stranger in case things got out of hand. “If I were you, I’d take the lady’s advice. There’s no need to disturb the women and children inside.” He kept a steely eye on the man.
At last, the fellow stepped back. “I’ll go for now. But you’ve not heard the last from me.” With a final glare, he stomped down the stairs.
Darius remained on the porch beside Olivia until the man was through the gate and out of sight. Then he turned to study her. “Are you all right?”
“Yes, he just startled me is all.” She let out a breath and shivered.
It took all his willpower to resist pulling her closer, but he’d promised to respect her wishes, and he would keep that promise. Reluctantly, he put some space between them. “I’ll wait until you’re inside before I leave. Make sure all the doors and windows are locked in case he decides to return.”
Her brown eyes met his. “I will.” She hesitated. “Thank you, Darius. You’ll never know how sorry I am . . . about everything.” Sorrow flashed over her lovely face.
“I am too.” He reached out a hand toward her, the longing to touch her nearly slaying him, but at the last second, he shoved his hands into his pockets. “I can’t imagine my life without you in it, Olivia. And I’m definitely not ready to give up hope yet.”
She gave him a sad smile. “Good-bye, Darius.”
He waited until she went inside and he heard the lock click into place, then he turned and walked slowly away.
Only as he climbed into his car did he realize that she’d said good-bye and not good night.
38
Olivia squeezed her eyes shut at the sound of Darius’s car pulling away, then waited with her back against the door until her heart rate slowed to near normal. Once she had herself under control, she opened her eyes. The house sat in shrouded darkness, with only the faint glow from the porch light illuminating the hall. The downstairs seemed quiet, but just to be certain, Olivia glanced into the parlor. It appeared everyone had already retired for the evening.
She sighed as she started up the staircase, mustering all her strength just to lift her feet. She couldn’t think about Darius right now, or the fact that she would never see him again. If she did, her last thread of control might snap, sending her into another abyss of despair. After losing Abigail, she’d promised herself that she would never become so consumed by darkness again. And though she craved nothing more than to crawl into her bed and sleep for the next two days, she owed it to Ruth and Jenny to warn them about the strange man’s unwelcome visit. If he returned unexpectedly, they needed to be prepared.
She headed to Ruth’s room at the far end of the house and gave three sharp raps on her door.
“Come in.”
Olivia opened the door. Ruth sat in an armchair with her Bible open on her lap.
“Oh good. You’re still awake. I didn’t want to disturb you.”
“You’re home earlier than I expected.” Ruth took off her reading glasses to study Olivia. “From the look on your face, I don’t think you have good news.”
“I need to tell you what just happened.” Olivia walked in and took a seat on the ottoman. “When I got back a few minutes ago, a man was waiting on the porch. He claimed to be J
enny’s husband.”
Ruth went still. “Oh dear. I was afraid something like that might happen.” She closed the Bible on a soft exhale. “We had our suspicions when Jenny first arrived, but recently she confided that she left an abusive husband, who is also a heavy drinker, because she was worried that his violence would escalate and harm the baby.”
A chill slid down Olivia’s spine. Thank goodness Darius had been with her. “I told the man he’d have to call and talk to you if he wanted authorization to visit. He wasn’t happy, but he finally left. I thought you and Jenny should know.”
“I’m glad he didn’t give you too much trouble, but you’re right. Jenny needs to be told.” Ruth got up from the chair. “Let’s do it together, with as little fuss as possible. Then, once the three of us come up with a strategy to deal with him, we’ll tell the others in the morning. No need to disturb everyone in the house at this hour.”
“I agree,” Olivia said as she rose. “Besides, I doubt he’d have the audacity to come back again tonight.”
At least she fervently hoped not.
The next day, Olivia rose just after dawn and went downstairs. Between the heartache over ending her relationship with Darius and worrying about Jenny, Olivia had suffered another restless night. The talk with Jenny had been unsettling at best. Olivia hated causing the girl such distress and only hoped she wouldn’t become even more withdrawn now. They would have to keep a close eye on her in the days to come and assure her that she was safe, that she wasn’t alone.
Olivia found Ruth eating breakfast in the sunroom instead of the usual dining room. The space was filled with bright light that bathed Ruth’s head with a golden glow.
“Good morning.” Olivia managed a weak smile as she entered.
Ruth raised her head from the newspaper. “You’re up extra early. In all the excitement last night, I forgot to ask how your evening was.”
Olivia walked over to the table and poured herself a cup of coffee. “It was . . . festive. Sofia enjoyed her birthday very much.”
Ruth narrowed her eyes. “How was it meeting the Reed clan?”
“Interesting. They’re certainly a lively bunch.”
“Is that all?” Ruth’s brows rose as she lowered her cup. “I would think meeting the man’s family for the first time would be a rather momentous occasion.”
A cloud moved over the sun, momentarily blocking its bright rays.
Olivia wished she could share some amusing stories with Ruth; however, there was no point in trying to pretend everything was all right. “The party was lovely, but on the way home, I . . . ended our relationship.”
Ruth’s mouth fell open. “Why would you do that when you’re obviously crazy about him?”
Olivia resisted the urge to flee from Ruth’s sharp gaze. But she would have to give her some type of explanation. She’d only persist until she did. “I’d already decided that I couldn’t continue seeing Darius, but I didn’t want to disappoint Sofia, so I waited until the party was over.”
Ruth shook her head. “I don’t understand. I thought things were going so well. What changed?”
Olivia glanced to the open doorway to make sure no one else was around. “I ran into an old neighbor a few days ago, and she refused to speak to me. I realized then that no matter how hard I try, my past will always haunt me. And I can’t let my mistakes harm Darius and Sofia.”
“Oh, my dear.” Ruth leaned forward. “I’m sorry that happened, but you mustn’t let one unfortunate incident ruin your future.”
“It’s not only that.” Olivia sighed. “Mrs. Reed told me that Darius wants a big family like the rest of his siblings have. And I can’t give him that.” Avoiding Ruth’s probing gaze, she chose a scone from a basket on the table.
“Why not? I assumed you’d want more children of your own one day.”
A band of pain seared across Olivia’s chest. “I don’t think I can have any more children, Ruth. I hadn’t really considered that when he asked me on a date. But it became clear last night that it wouldn’t be fair to lead him on.”
Olivia waited for the expected words of sympathy, but Ruth remained thoughtful as she stirred her coffee.
At last she looked up. “Why do you think you can’t have more children? Did a doctor tell you this?”
“Not in so many words.” Olivia spread a napkin on her lap. “But I know in my heart it’s true.”
Ruth leaned forward, compassion evident in her soft gaze. “My dear, until you get a proper exam, it’s nothing more than speculation. I understand that you’re scared, but for the sake of your future, shouldn’t you try to find out the truth?”
Olivia shifted her gaze to the lace tablecloth. Her friend couldn’t begin to understand what she’d been through because she’d never told her. She raised her eyes. “I can’t, Ruth. Horrific things were done to me in the reformatory by the doctor there. Things I have a hard time even speaking about.” Her hands began to shake. “That’s why I was so afraid of Dr. Henshaw at first. And why I can’t tell my story at the city council meeting.” She closed her eyes and focused on regulating her breathing.
Ruth squeezed her arm. “I’m sorry you had such a bad experience.”
Olivia didn’t dare look up, knowing the sympathy shining in her friend’s eyes would be her undoing.
“If having your own children is out of the question, there are other ways to have a family,” Ruth said gently. “Did you discuss that with Darius?”
“We skirted the issue, but I told him I wouldn’t let him sacrifice his future for me. He deserves someone less broken, someone who won’t bring shame to his family.” She jutted out her chin, pushing the hard ball of emotion down deep. There was no point in discussing the matter any further. “Now, can we please change the subject before the girls come down?”
Ruth’s mouth opened, then she clamped it shut. After several seconds of silence, she inclined her head. “Very well. We’ll table this conversation for now, but I intend to continue it again another time.” Though her tone was no-nonsense, she gave Olivia’s arm another gentle squeeze.
Olivia pressed her lips together. As far as she was concerned, there was nothing more to say. Ruth would eventually have to accept that Olivia had made her decision and that nothing would make her change her mind.
The morning after Sofia’s party, Darius left home just after sunup. Too restless to sleep and too edgy to linger over his morning coffee, he’d rinsed out his cup and glanced at the clock on the wall.
Sofia would sleep in this morning after staying up so late last night. He would likely be back before she even stirred. Setting his jaw, Darius set out for the one place he hoped to find solace.
Thankfully, St. George’s church doors were already open for the day. Removing his hat, Darius entered and took a seat halfway up the long aisle. A hushed stillness enveloped the sanctuary, where everything lay ready for the services later that morning. Darius worked hard to quiet his mind and simply breathe in the soothing scent of candles and lemon furniture polish before lowering himself to the kneeler.
Lord, my spirit is heavy today. Heavy with the burden of Olivia’s suffering. I’m here to pray for her and ask that you ease her pain. Help her to realize that she is worthy not only of your love but also the love of others in her life. Remind her that she doesn’t have to shut herself off from the world or deny herself the comfort of people who care about her. She deserves a husband and family . . . even if it’s not with me.
He bowed his head over his clasped hands, fighting the sting of tears. He could barely comprehend the physical tortures she had endured, much less the emotional pain of having her son taken from her.
“For a few minutes after Matteo was born, every bit of suffering seemed worth it—just to hold my baby at last. But then he was taken from me without my consent, and suddenly nothing mattered anymore.”
In addition to that devastating loss, Olivia might not be able to have any more children. Darius didn’t know how she even managed to
carry on. And now she was denying herself the family she so richly deserved.
Sure, he’d be thrilled to have more children, but if Sofia was the only child he was blessed with, he would be content with that. And if he could have Olivia as his wife, he’d consider himself the luckiest man ever.
“But your will not mine be done, Lord,” he whispered. “If I’m not the man who can make Olivia happy, then let me accept that. The only thing that matters is her peace and happiness, and if I can help in any way, please show me how. Amen.”
He knelt there for several more minutes until a measure of calm settled in his soul. The peace that only prayer could bring. Now that he’d taken his problems to the Lord, he felt certain an answer would be forthcoming.
What that answer would look like, he had no idea. But he trusted God’s plan implicitly.
Outside on the steps of the church, Darius breathed in the crisp air and listened for the faint peal of bells in the distance. He’d always loved hearing St. Michael’s bells, even as a child.
As he made his way to the car, his thoughts turned to Olivia’s brother. Didn’t he say he worked at the cathedral?
Darius stopped dead, his mind whirling. One of the things that continued to haunt Olivia was the loss of her son. Would knowing what had become of him ease her pain in any way? Darius had resigned himself to the fact that there was nothing he could do to fix the situation. But now, as the bells rang out over the city, a new thought dawned. If anyone might be able to help, it was Salvatore Rosetti. A trusted clergyman and family member.
A Haven for Her Heart Page 30