‘She’s here,’ I mutter, turning my head away swiftly. ‘Don’t look.’
‘Who?’ Suze immediately swivels her head all around. ‘Someone famous?’
‘No. Someone hideous in every way.’
Suze suddenly spots her and gasps, ‘Alicia Bitch Long-legs!’
‘Sssh!’ I pull at Suze. ‘Turn away. Don’t engage. Aloof and flinty.’
‘Right,’ says Suze vaguely, without moving.
I related the whole awful Alicia encounter to Suze on the phone, but she was waxing her legs at the same time, and I’m not sure she was listening properly.
‘She’s lost weight,’ says Suze critically. ‘And her hair looks really good. I like her top …’
‘Stop complimenting her! And don’t attract her attention.’
But it’s too late. Alicia’s heading our way. This isn’t the first time I’ve seen her at Golden Peace, but it’s the first time she’s actually come over to speak to me. In Golden Peace terms, Alicia is virtually royalty. There’s actually a great big picture of her and Wilton up in the lobby, and when the pair of them walked through the crowded café last week, everyone was practically bowing. Everyone except me.
‘Suze.’ Alicia doesn’t even look at me, but greets Suze with her new soft voice, and I see Suze blink in surprise. ‘It’s been a long time.’
‘Hi Alicia,’ says Suze warily.
‘You must be here visiting Rebecca. Are those your children?’ She turns to look at Ernest, Wilfrid and Clementine, who are running raucously around the slide. ‘They’re stunning! And I love those cute little jackets.’
‘Oh, thanks!’ says Suze. She sounds disarmed, and I scowl inwardly. That’s a typical underhand trick. Compliment the children.
‘How long are you here?’ adds Alicia.
‘Not sure yet,’ says Suze.
‘Only, I was going to say, if you’d like them to go to school during your stay, I could fix it up. Our children go to a very good pre-school, don’t they, Rebecca?’ She manages to glance towards me without meeting my eye. ‘And there’s a private school nearby which might do for the older one. I should think he’s quite advanced?’
‘Well.’ Suze blossoms. ‘He is quite bright …’
‘I could have a word with the principals. It might be fun for them to experience a US education briefly. The semester’s nearly over, but then there are great summer programmes.’
‘Wow.’ Suze seems taken aback. ‘Well, that would be great. But are you sure—’
‘It’s no trouble.’ Alicia gives her wafty smile again, then turns serious. ‘Suze, I know our friendship hasn’t always been straightforward.’
Friendship? They don’t have a friendship.
‘But I want you to know,’ Alicia continues, ‘that I’m set on remoulding that path, and I’m sorry for any discomfort I may have caused you in the past. Let’s carry on life’s journey in a different spirit.’
‘Right.’ Suze seems totally flummoxed. Meanwhile, I’m just staring, rigid with shock. She said sorry? She said sorry to Suze?
‘I’ll let you know about the schools.’ Alicia smiles and touches Suze’s shoulder, as though giving a blessing. She nods gravely to me, then moves off, down towards the beach.
‘Oh my God.’ Suze exhales when she’s out of earshot. ‘What’s happened to her? That weird voice, and that smile … and all that stuff about remoulding her life …’ She looks at me, giggling, but I can’t join in.
‘She said sorry to you,’ I say incredulously.
‘I know.’ Suze looks chuffed. ‘That was sweet, I thought. And it was nice of her to offer to help with the schools—’
‘No!’ I clutch my head. ‘You don’t understand! She refused to say sorry to me! After everything she did to Luke and me, she wouldn’t apologize. I asked her to, straight out.’
‘Well …’ Suze thinks for a moment. ‘Maybe she was too embarrassed.’
‘Embarrassed? Alicia Bitch Long-legs doesn’t get embarrassed!’
‘Maybe she thought she’d already apologized.’
‘You’re sticking up for her.’ I stare at Suze in dismay. ‘I can’t believe you’d stick up for Alicia Bitch Long-legs.’
‘I’m not sticking up for her!’ ripostes Suze. ‘I’m just saying, people change, and—’ She breaks off as our drinks arrive, and the waitress presents us with two Golden Peace gift bags: glossy white with golden rope handles.
‘Alicia asked me to give you these.’ She smiles. ‘A little welcome pack.’
‘Ooh! Thank you!’ says Suze, and starts unpacking hers straight away. ‘Look, bath oil … and a candle …’
‘You’re accepting it?’ I say, scandalized.
‘Of course I am!’ says Suze, rolling her eyes. ‘It’s an olive branch. She’s changed. You should let people change, Bex.’
‘She hasn’t changed.’ I glare at Suze. ‘If she’d changed she would apologize.’
‘She did apologize!’
‘Not to me!’ I practically yell. ‘Not to me!’
‘Look, Bex,’ Suze pauses, halfway through unwrapping some herbal tea bags. ‘Please don’t let’s argue. Especially not about Alicia, for goodness’ sake! I think you should have your goodie bag and enjoy it. Go on.’ She prods me with a teasing smile. ‘Open it. I know you want to …’
Even though I’m still simmering inside, I can’t argue any more with Suze. Especially on her first day here. So I make a huge effort and smile back. I’ll never get her to understand about Alicia, I think dolefully. Maybe no one will ever properly understand except Luke (kind of) and me, and I’ll just have to accept that. Reluctantly, I pull the gift bag towards me and open it. I’ve got a candle too, and some olive-oil soap and … Wow. A Golden Peace bikini. I’ve seen those in the shop, and they’re $100.
I mean, it’s nice. But it doesn’t change Alicia.
‘I really want one of those white and gold bracelets,’ says Suze, eyeing mine. ‘Maybe I’ll take some classes. Let’s have a look …’ She opens the brochure, which was in the bag, then a moment later puts it down, her eyes wide. ‘Bex, this place costs a fortune! How many times a week do you come here?’
‘Er … every day.’
‘Every day?’ Suze is goggle-eyed. ‘But how much does that cost?’ She starts flicking through the brochure, gasping at every page. ‘Have you seen how much a yoga class costs? I pay a fifth of that in London.’
She seems so flabbergasted, I feel a bit defensive.
‘It’s not about money, Suze. It’s about mental health and spiritual wellbeing and my personal journey.’
‘Oh yes?’ she says sceptically. ‘Well, have they stopped you shopping too much?’
I wait for a beat, then answer with a flourish: ‘Yes!’
‘Yes?’ Suze drops the brochure and stares at me, with huge blue eyes. ‘Bex, did you say, “Yes”?’
Ha. Ha-di-ha. I was waiting for this subject to come up.
‘Yes,’ I say smugly. ‘I had a special one-to-one session yesterday with David, one of the therapists, and we talked through my issues, and he gave me lots of coping mechanisms. I’m a changed person, Suze!’
‘Oh my God,’ says Suze weakly. ‘You’re serious.’
‘Of course I’m serious!’
‘So … what, you walk into a shop and you don’t want to buy anything?’
‘That’s not how it works,’ I say kindly. ‘It’s a journey, Suze. We’re all on a journey.’
‘Well, how does it work?’
‘I’ll show you! Come on, we’ll go to the gift shop.’
I drain my juice and leap up, by now totally cheered. I’m longing to show off all my new techniques. I haven’t had a chance to practise them yet, except in the mirror at home.
‘Ernie!’ commands Suze. ‘You’re in charge. Stay in the playground. We’ll just be in the shop, OK?’
‘It’s fine,’ I say. ‘We can see the playground from the shop. Come on!’
To be honest, I’ve been quite
amazed at my own spectacular progress. When David came to find me at lunch one day, and suggested a one-to-one session to ‘discuss my shopping issues’, I wasn’t that keen. In fact I said, ‘Wow, that sounds fab, but actually, I’m a bit too busy.’
Then, when he set up a session anyway, I accidentally-on-purpose forgot to turn up. And then, when he came to find me in yoga, I … Well. I avoided him.
OK, I ran away, and hid behind a tree. Which I do appreciate was a bit childish. But he tracked me down in the café later that day and talked really sweetly to me and said if I hated what he said I could ignore it all.
So at last I had the session. And all I can say is, why did I never do this before? David kept saying, ‘These are the first baby steps,’ and, ‘I know you’ll find these ideas hard,’ and I agreed because I sensed that was what he wanted me to say. But honestly. I found them easy. I must be mentally very strong, or something.
He talked about ‘why people shop’, and then he told me about lots of different techniques that we could work on together, and then he told me how the lessons I’m learning in my other classes, like Mindfulness for a Positive Life and Tapping for Wellbeing, all feed into the same picture. And I nodded earnestly and took notes and then we talked about how I could go into the spending addiction programme when a space becomes available.
But the truth is, I don’t need to go into any spending addiction programme. I’m clearly a very fast learner, because I’ve totally got it. I have control over myself! I can’t wait to show Suze.
‘Here we are!’ I push open the doors to the gift shop. I have to say, it’s the most gorgeous shop. It’s all pale wood and scented candles burning, and everywhere you look is some beautiful, uplifting thing to help you on your journey, like a cashmere yoga hoody, or a soft, leather-bound ‘thought diary’, or positive affirmations printed on canvases. There’s a jewellery range, which is all made of organic crystals, and there are stacks of books and CDs, and even a range of ‘healing energy’ make-up.
I look at Suze, waiting for her to say, ‘Wow, what an amazing shop!’ But she’s just staring at me expectantly.
‘OK,’ she says. ‘What now? Do you just look around and think, “No, I don’t want any of this”?’
‘It’s a process,’ I say patiently, and get out my notebook. ‘First of all, I have to think, “Why I am shopping?” And I have to write it down.’ I look at the list of suggestions David gave me. Am I bored? No. Lonely? No. Anxious? No. For a moment I’m stumped. Why am I shopping?
‘I’ll put: “To show friend that I don’t shop too much any more,”’ I say at last. I write it down and underline it proudly.
‘Now what?’
‘Going shopping can often be a way of boosting low self-esteem,’ I say knowledgeably. ‘So I have to boost my self-esteem myself, with affirmations.’ I get out the Positive Thought cards that David gave me, and rifle through them. ‘Like this: I approve of myself and feel great about myself.’ I beam at Suze. ‘Isn’t that great? I’ve got loads of them.’
‘Let’s see!’ she says at once, holding out her hand.
‘Here you are.’ I hand her a card that says I accept others as they are and they in turn accept me as I am. ‘You can buy them here,’ I add. ‘And you can get really nice T-shirts with the affirmations printed on. Shall we try some on?’
‘Try on T-shirts?’ Suze stares at me. ‘Bex, I thought you’d given up shopping.’
‘I haven’t given up shopping.’ I almost laugh at her naive, simplistic attitude. ‘That’s not what this is about, Suze. It’s not about abstinence, it’s about getting into a healthy shopping pattern.’
That’s the lesson that really stuck with me from the session yesterday. It’s not about giving up shopping. As soon as David said that, the whole thing made more sense to me.
‘Well, wouldn’t it be healthier not to shop at all?’ Suze demands. ‘I mean, shouldn’t we leave?’
Suze really doesn’t get it. But then, she isn’t as tuned in to her inner mental landscape as me.
‘It’s actually a very bad idea to give up shopping altogether,’ I explain. ‘You have to learn to exercise your control muscle. Being in here is like a workout for me.’
‘Right.’ Suze looks dubious. ‘So what happens next?’
‘So, I’ll just make the purchases I need to, calmly and with meaning.’
I love that phrase. David kept saying it yesterday. You need to learn to shop calmly and with meaning.
‘But you don’t need to buy anything,’ objects Suze.
‘Yes I do! I need a book, actually. David told me to buy it. So.’ I lead my way over to the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy section, and reach for a book titled Catching Thoughts: Your Introduction to CBT.
‘This is what I do in my group,’ I say importantly, pointing at the title. ‘Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. If I want to buy something and it’s not appropriate, I have to restructure my thoughts. I have to identify my cognitive errors and challenge them.’
‘Wow.’ For the first time, Suze looks genuinely impressed. ‘Is that hard?’
‘No, it’s quite easy,’ I say, flipping through the book. ‘I’ll get the audio version too, so I can listen to it when I’m out jogging. And there are some other titles David said I should look at, too.’
I start scooping hardbacks into my basket. CBT Thought Diary, CBT for Spending Addiction, The Compulsive Spender’s Journal, Shopaholic: Break the Pattern … As I pile the books up I feel a glow of virtue. David was right, I can break free of my old ways. There are some really cool pencils too, matt black with slogans like Growth and Exhale. I’ll get a pack.
Suze is watching me, a bit nonplussed.
‘But Bex, how is this different from normal shopping? Where’s the challenging or whatever it is?’
Oh, right. I’d forgotten about that, just for a moment.
‘I was coming to that,’ I say, a little severely. ‘You put the things in your basket and then you challenge yourself.’
I lift up the top book and stare at it intently. I’m actually a bit hazy about what I should do next, not that I’ll admit that to Suze.
‘I need this book,’ I say at last, in a sonorous voice. ‘This is my belief. The evidence for this belief is: David told me I should get it. The evidence against it is … none. So. I will buy it, calmly and with meaning. Amen.’
‘Amen?’ Suze gives a sudden giggle.
‘That just slipped out,’ I admit. ‘Anyway, wasn’t that cool? I’ve totally learned how to challenge myself.’
‘Do the pencils now,’ Suze says.
‘OK.’ I take the pencils out and focus on them. ‘I need these pencils. This is my belief. The evidence for this belief is: pencils are always useful. The evidence against is …’
I stop dead as a thought strikes me. I’ve already bought a pack of these pencils, haven’t I? The first day I came here. What did I do with them?
‘The evidence against,’ I continue triumphantly, ‘is that I’ve already got some! So I’m going to put them back!’
With a flourish, I put the pack of pencils back on the shelf. ‘You see? I’m controlling myself. I’m a completely different person. Impressed?’
‘Well, OK. But what about all those books?’ Suze nods at my basket. ‘Surely you don’t need so many?’
Hasn’t she been listening to anything I’ve been saying?
‘Of course I need them,’ I say as patiently as I can. ‘They’re essential for my progress. I’m going to buy them calmly and with meaning.’ I reach for a gorgeous notepad. ‘I’m going to buy this calmly and with meaning, too. I can keep my dream journal in it. Everyone should keep a dream journal, did you know that?’
Suze still looks dissatisfied as I put it in my basket.
‘All right, so suppose you do shop too much,’ she says. ‘What do you do then?’
‘Then you use different techniques,’ I explain. ‘Like tapping.’
‘What’s tapping?’
‘Oh, it�
��s brilliant,’ I say enthusiastically. ‘You tap your face and chin and stuff, and you say mantras, and it frees your meridians and cures you.’
‘What?’ Suze stares at me.
‘It’s true!’
Tapping is almost my favourite class. Plus, I think it must be very good for toning the facial muscles, tapping your chin the whole time. I put my basket down and turn to demonstrate.
‘You tap your forehead and you say, “I know I have bought too much but I deeply and completely accept myself.” See?’ I beam at her. ‘Easy.’ I tap my chest for good measure, and the top of my head.
‘Bex …’ Suze seems perplexed.
‘What?’
‘Are you sure you’re doing it right?’
‘Of course I’m doing it right!’
The trouble with Suze is, she hasn’t had her mind opened, like I have. She hasn’t been exposed to the wealth of mind–spirit enhancement that’s out there.
‘You’ll learn the ways of Golden Peace after you’ve been here a bit,’ I say kindly. ‘Now, let’s try on T-shirts!’
* * *
GOLDEN PEACE GIFT STORE
Customer invoice
Ms Rebecca Brandon
Membership No: 1658
* * *
TEN
I would have thought Suze would be more impressed by Golden Peace. I think she’s got a mental block. She’s prejudiced, that’s what it is. She hasn’t signed up for a single class, and she didn’t even buy a T-shirt. All she keeps saying is, she thinks it’s all really expensive, and what’s the point?
The point? Hasn’t she noticed how transformed I am?
Luckily Tarkie is on my side. He thinks Golden Peace is great, and he’s really bonded with Bryce.
‘We both think exactly the same way about light pollution,’ he’s saying now. It’s breakfast time the next day, and we’re all gathered in the kitchen. ‘Light pollution is a modern evil, but politicians simply won’t listen.’
I can see Suze rolling her eyes, and give her a little smile. Tarkie is so obsessed about light pollution, he goes around Letherby Hall all the time, switching off lights, and Suze creeps after him, switching them back on.
Shopaholic to the Stars Page 14