Merton whispered something that sounded an awful lot like: Heeeere we go.
“Merton the Merciless, Emperor of Mongo, Ruler of Moldavia, Scourge of Carpathia. Galor of Ghosts, Prophet to Goblins, Builder of Dungeons, Friend to Dragons and to Children. Savior of Kharak and Hiigara...” he paused. “Adjunct to the Lady of Pain, YISUN and Zardoz. Mechwarrior and Mechcommander, Chapter Master of the Salamanders and Rogue Trader of his Holy Majesty of Glorious Terra. Smiter of the Swarm, the Horde, the Undead Scourge of Azeroth...” He paused again. “Champion of Hadley’s Hope, CEO of the Weyland-Yutani Corporation, and...” He had worked his way almost all the way down the scroll. “...and...Master...of Orion.”
Silence filled the hall.
The Red Baron slowly set down his goblet – he had taken a sip near the beginning of the announcement and had slowly stopped as the list went on and on and on and on. He stood, then laughed. “We have a world eater here! Come! Let me get an eye on you!”
“Oh wonderful ,” Gimtesh muttered, her snide voice carrying all the way to Relix’s aching ears. “This dinner conversation is going to be fascinating .”
They came to their seats and sat down. Merton’s brow furrowed as he looked at the egg with the bowtie. He looked at Relix, mouthing confusion at her. She shook her head subtly. Then the Red Baron clapped his hands and waiters swept forward. Soon, the table was cluttered with normal red cuisine. There was a whole wild boar, who was snuffling at the table settings, stepping past goblets, large furry tail flipping from side to side. Merton grabbed his goblet before it got knocked over, showing he knew proper red dragon table manners. Next to the boat were several toughs of elkerian mind-eels.
The Baron grabbed one with a scaled fist, and the eel started biting impotently at his wrist. He popped it into his mouth and started to chew, the squealing of the eel filling the air as he looked right at Merton.
Merton, to Relix’ shock, looked back with a kind of cool, casual expression.
“So!” The Baron growled. “Who was your most difficult enemy to best in single combat, oh world eater.”
“Sans,” Merton said. “Sans Skeleton.”
“One of this Undead Horde?” The Baron narrowed his eyes.
“A freelancer, actually,” Merton said, leaning back in his seat.
“Uuuugh!” Gimtesh groaned, then breathed a gout of flames onto the boar. The boar cried out, then dropped to the tabletop, knocking a few goblets over, splashing wine onto empty chairs. She reached out and grabbed some still burning boar flesh in her clawed hand, then chomped down on it.
“My sister lacks an appreciation for the martial arts,” the Baron said, sounding irritated.
“Well, fortunately, my wife and I think as one,” Merton said, grinning at Relix.
Relix looked at him. Her brow furrowed. And then she realized...that her husband was actually trying to be something more than just a false front. He was trying to actually be a partner. If she and he got along, the Baron would see no weakness. No place to slide himself into her life and swoop her into his own household. Her heart started to race as she grinned back. “Yesss,” she said. “Should we tell him about, ah, Mongo?”
“Mongo!” Merton laughed. “Mongo, Mongo, Mongo!”
“Mongo?” The Baron asked. His veneer of joviality was starting to wear thin. He had grabbed up three more mind-eels, and they were squealing and writhing and chomping at the air and his fingers.
“It’s how we met,” Merton said. “I was leading a fleet of, oh, five gunships. They’re primitive next to your ships. Fusion torches, no shields, no adamantine armor, no sophisticated magitech other than a few simple light spells, you know.” He waved his hand. “But we were loaded for bear . X-Ray lasers, railguns, tac-nukes...”
“Don’t forget your drakes,” Relix said, grinning.
“How could I forget the drakes?” Merton said, taking her hand, then kissing her knuckles. “I used to think they were the most beautiful draconic being in the galaxy...until I met you.”
Relix flushed . Her hearts started to thump thump faster and faster. Her nipples tingled and she looked aside, grinning despite herself. Merton laughed and kissed her knuckles again. His warm, warm, warm lips were so soft against her scales. Her tail coiled around his ankle under the table – even as Merton looked back at the Baron. “We were in trouble. Mongo was defended by this tin-pot dictator, Ming, and while I had the orbital advantage, they had better heat sinks, since they could tap into the methane lakes. So, I had lost two of my ships when suddenly, this beauty appears...”
“Youuuu!” Relix squealed.
“Oh, honey, I meant the Talon-9 ,” Merton said, grinning.
Relix slapped at his shoulder and Merton laughed.
The Baron, meanwhile, had gone from pretend jovial, to forcing a smile, to literally crushing his goblet between his fingers while smoke roiled from his snout. He was still sitting there and fuming as Merton wrapped his rather colorful tale of impaling Ming, the former Emperor of Mongo, through the chest with the nose cone of his last remaining sublight fighter. “And, well, I don’t want to brag, but let’s just say that Ming’s daughter cried out a lot that night...but there weren’t many tears ,” Merton said, winking at the Baron.
Relix chortled, her tail having gone from squeezing Merton’s ankle to wrapping entirely around his calf. Her hand had dropped to caress his thigh. She looked at him and wondered: Had she noticed how handsome he looked? Yes, he had no scales, but at least he wasn’t hairy . Beyond that tuft on his head, but it was quite well managed. And his eyes were the most remarkable shade of chocolate brown. She cocked her head, barely listening as he described the reason why he was called the Galor of Ghosts.
Dear gods, his eyes are beautiful, she thought. Not just remarkable, not just arresting. They’re honestly beautiful .
Then Relix sat up, her eyes widening.
“And then I said: Yes, sir, this man indeed has no genitalia,” Merton said, grinning.
The Baron snorted, despite himself, while his half-sister threw her head back and let out the most horrifying series of harpy laughs that Relix had ever heard. The egg wobbled from side to side, almost falling off the table with mirth. As the mirth faded, Relix tried to cover her own reaction by picking up a goblet of blood wine and drinking it down. Her throat bobbed – and she missed the warning sign until it was far, far too late.
“You do tell many good yarns,” the Baron said, his tones light. Airy, even. “But I wonder, how do you handle when facing something more than local brigands and sub-magic pirates?”
Relix choked on her bloodwine. She coughed, trying to speak, but Merton – too confident by half – said: “I expect I can handle myself.”
“Shall we see that?” Baron asked. “How do you feel about a gentleman’s wager.”
“Honey,” Relix said, putting her hand on Merton’s shoulder. Her claws pricked his skin through his smart clothes, trying to get his attention.
“This is a talk between males, Princess,” the Baron growled, his own claws lifted, his fingers spread.
Merton’s poker face remained game. He picked up his glass, tipped it back, then set it down. Relix noticed, then, that despite having been doing that the whole meal, the cup had never been even close to empty. Let alone refilled. Merton was picking his battles – blood wine was strong, even for dragons. “What would the terms of the wager be?”
“Simple,” the Baron said, his voice growing flat. “If you don’t win, I rip your throat out, take your woman, your holdings, your house and your planet.”
“Is that all?” Merton asked, his dryness only slightly marred by a tiny hint of fear.
The Baron grinned, wickedly. “If you win...”
“I get him,” Merton said, nodding to the egg.
The Baron looked deeply confused. And for just a moment, Relix swore that she saw a flicker of fear in those golden eyes. Which was absurd. Reds didn’t have familial bonds, beyond what could be extorted or manipulated. “You...want m
y cousin?” Listening to the confusion in his voice, Relix was assured that what she had seen hadn’t been fear. Just…
Understandable bafflement.
“I’m magnanimous,” Merton said, shrugging.
“Yay!” A muffled voice came from within the egg.
“Shush, Brash!” Gimtesh hissed.
“So, are we agreed?” Bex asked. Out of the corner of her eye, Relix could see Merton considering. Strangely, his expression was more concerned as he looked at the egg - which was absurd. It was an egg , not something fragile or helpless. She’d have to talk to him about that later. But, for now, she needed to make sure that he didn’t make this any worse than it already was.
She leaned her nose close to Merton’s ear, risking a quiet whisper. “Honey, you have to accept. The Baron’s challenged your honor and pride. Pulling back now means that the Baron will think you’re weak and we’ll be up to our snouts in assassins within the day.” Her hand caressed his thigh, as if this was a more sensual caress than a strategic one.
Merton’s expression shifted into a fierce grin, as if the Baron had just slipped into his trap. “As the challenged party, I chose contests, yes?”
The Baron shrugged. “Is that the mode among your kind? Very well.”
Relix felt her belly turn to ice. Bex Thresh might be a braggart and a showboating bully, but he wasn’t the Baron of the Singularity Principalities for nothing. He had been using complex sublight strategic and tactical maneuvers since before he had cleaned off his eggshell. The many black holes of the Principalities meant a great deal of gravitational flux, as well as resource rich accretion disks full of Hawking Pirates and nihilists. He had been dodging railguns, plasma torpedoes, suicide assassin squads and death drones since before he had first gone into heat. Any avenue of conflict, from the strategic to the tactical to the physical…
All led to disaster.
“I challenge you to a game of my people – one that reflects the high regard we have for dragons, both Prismatic and Chromatic,” Merton said, then thrust his finger at the Baron. “I challenge you, Baron Bex Thresh of the Singularity Principalities...to DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS !”
The Red Baron leaned back in his seat. Hardened metal groaned and wood creaked. His scaled hand cupped his narrow snout and smoke roiled from his nostrils. “Is it some kind of strategy game?” he asked, curiously. “Like Gateway?”
“Uh, kind of,” Merton said, nodding.
Oh no, no, no, no! Relix thought. Oh, my dear Merton, what have you done !?
“I accept,” the Red Baron said, grinning broadly.
Merton beamed.
And Relix realized she had just called him ‘my dear’ in her head. Not as a falsehood, not as a lie, not as a manipulation. Very quietly, she whispered to herself. “ Drat .”
***
Merton was feeling like he had been grabbed by a rather large, three headed dog and then wrung through a huge mess of nerd-mashing machinery. His head and shoulders were studded with knots of tension, while his lower back twinged as if he had spent his whole day lifting boxes at the box factory. And the fact that he was still half certain that he wouldn’t live to get out of these smart-clothes before they decided to relocate his blood was just a delicious, terrifying cherry on the top of the longest, most unpleasant dinner conversation he had ever been a part of.
For one thing, Relix had been really into her act. That was technically a good thing, but it was kind of hard to think of bullshit and spin it into a convincing story when huge boobs were being mashed against your face every other word. Not that Relix was exceptionally stacked, but Merton was judging based off a comparison of the other, vast array of titties that had been mashed into his face.
I.E, zero. Anything was bigger than zero.
But there had also been the living food, the fact that the person across the table had been a feudal era psychopath, and the fact that Merton had gotten a good look out the window. The whole freaking palace had been built onto the photosphere of a fucking sun. The entire dinner had been his brain screaming at him about all the manifold ways that they were going to die. But now? Now they were back on the Talon-9 and Merton could-
“What. Were. You. Thinking !?”
Relix’s hands grabbed onto his shoulders and she started to shake him. She was roughly the same height as he was, but her muscles were corded with enough strength that Merton was positive he’d get whiplash if she kept that up. But in the moment between the shaking starting and Merton reacting to it, he had the most vivid flashback in his life. It was to him, seated at the table, looking at that egg that Bex had brought out to show off.
That innocent little egg. Holding an innocent little dragon - ready to hatch and be raised by that asshole . Sitting there, looking at the egg, there had been literally nothing that Merton could have wanted more than to save that kid.
There were enough abused kids out there. He was going to go to hell before he let there be another.
Then time snapped back to full speed and Merton felt his head jerking back and forth as he was shook and shook and shook. He lifted his arms, crying out.
“Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!”
Relix let him go, panting, her cheeks flushed. Her scales were a glittering silver, so that meant that her blush showed up as a warm blueness that spread along her cheeks. But as he watched, he saw the color shift to red, her frilly hair-feathers lifting up as she made herself look bigger. She stabbed her finger at his chest. This was even scarier than it would have been normally, since her finger came to a wicked, bladed claw-tip.
“I told you! I told you that he was a tactical and strategic genius! You could have challenged him to Egg, Talon, Tail! Or dice! Something where you’d at least have a chance of winning!”
“Yeah, like he’d have- wait, Egg, Talon, Tail?” Merton asked, making the mental cultural translation fairly easily. He wondered which beat which. “He’d have respected me if I tried that?”
“Well. No , but...” Relix’s tail lashed.
This marital spat was interrupted then by the arrival of Thuwit and a blur of blue hair and nubile flesh. Merton staggered and thumped to the ground as he was hugged so tightly that his clothes hardened and deployed some ablative layers to prevent any danger from energy weapons. The girl who had tackled him looked exactly like how he expected her too. She was slender, with a smallish chest, and a face that hovered somewhere between pixie, elf, and Asian. Her hair was blue and tied back into a pair of long, winding braids that reached down almost to her tiny rump. She was dressed in an incredibly loose T-shirt, which billowed out big enough to almost work as a mumu.
She...was Julia.
I.E, Jules, post magically induced gender transformation.
“Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!” Julia squealed, between kisses and snuggles and licks.
Merton laughed, winced slightly as the back of his head started to grumble about being mashed into the floor, and patted her on the back. “Uh, it’s...” He squirmed as she licked his neck, then kissed his chin. “Anyone would do it. Cool. Yeah.”
Julia squeaked as she was grabbed – literally by the scruff of her neck – and lifted off Merton. Relix held her aloft, her eyes narrowing as she eyed the slender, blue haired girl who looked nearly consumed by her T-shirt. The T-shirt, now that Merton could look at it without being distracted by being tackled and licked and thanked profusely, was the same T-shirt that Julia had been wearing when she was Jules. Hence why it was huge on her now.
“Who is this?” Relix asked, narrowing her eyes as she sniffed at Julia.
“Uh...” Julia grinned weakly. “I’m...his concubine?”
“Oh!” Relix looked relieved. “I didn’t realize you’d be biosculpting your household.” She dropped Julie back onto Merton’s lap, making Merton grunt with the impact. Julia might no longer be a two hundred pound black man, but she wasn’t exactly light as a feather.
“She’s not my-” Merton looked at Julia, then up at Relix. “She’s not my concubin
e!” He started to stand, trying to keep an arm around Julia at the same time. This ended up being incredibly awkward and nearly finished with both of them faceplanted on the ground. Relix watched the maneuver with a faintly confused expression on her face.
“And yet, when you said you wanted to bring your concubine and your family and your friends,” Relix said. “And I had my High Magos pluck all of them via a soul-scan of your desires. This former male was one of them.”
“I was never male,” Julia said, snapping a finger dismissively. “I was just twenty, maybe, fifteen percent less cute.” She giggled and spun on her toe. “Merton, I can dance now! My bum knee’s gone! I feel like I’m fifte-” She coughed. “Er, uh, eighteen again!” She looked left and right, suspiciously. “Anyone who says otherwise is a fucking cop .”
Scales Like Stars (Dragons...in...SPACE! Book 1) Page 4