by Rhys Everly
He thanked me with a grin and then his hand reached out for my face, his fingers brushing a lock of hair back, making my whole head tingle. He ran the same fingers past my cheek, past my neck, before resting his palm on my chest.
“You certainly have changed, though. And I like it every single bit,” he said. “I’m sorry this town messed up your future.”
I shrugged.
“It wasn’t much of a future, anyway.”
“Don’t say that. A scholarship in Nashville ain’t a small deal. You could have been a big baseball player by now,” he said. “Hell, you still can. Granted, it might take longer, but if you really—”
“I’m fine,” I said. I hadn’t thought of baseball for a couple years now. I definitely enjoyed watching it, but I realized it had been one of those things I’d done to fit in and because I was good at, not because I actually loved it.
I tried to explain it to Nathan, and he nodded, humming in agreement.
“I know what you mean. Everyone always expected me to be a genius just because I have a higher than average IQ. But I never knew what that meant. People like throwing the word around, but no one actually knows what it means.
“They wanted me to become a mathematician, or a mechanical engineer, a physicist, or something, but I can’t imagine anything more boring. I like using my brain, but I like using my hands, too. And considering how bored I am at college now, I can’t imagine going on with any graduate program. I don’t want to spend my life studying.”
“What do you want to do?” I asked.
“Nothing,” he said and laid back on the hood before I could even blink.
“Come on,” I urged him, poking his side.
It felt nice being able to touch him playfully like that. I might not have the balls to kiss him again, but that I could do.
“You’ll just laugh,” he said.
“I won’t. I promise.” I made sure to cross my heart so he knew I was serious.
He curled his lips to the side with uncertainty before saying, “What do you want to do?”
I chuckled and leaned back again.
“That’s easy,” I said. “I don’t know.”
“You gotta have a clue,” he said.
“I’ve been focusing on raising enough money to get the fuck out of here,” I said.
“What?” he said.
I glanced at him and nodded.
“Hopefully I can make it happen as soon as I have my GED,” I said.
“Where would you go? New Harlow?”
“Even further,” I said. “This place doesn’t want me. My father doesn’t want me. And I could never be myself around here.”
“B-but-but you can’t go,” he said, and I laughed before I looked at him.
“Why not?”
For some reason, my question seemed to trip him up. He bit his lower lip and took a deep breath.
“I get it,” he said. “After what happened at high school and prom, I ran as fast as possible.”
“You didn’t run far,” I said.
It saddened me that I was part of the reason he felt he couldn’t be around here.
“I still love my family. I just needed to be away as much as possible. Clear my head. Be myself,” he said.
“I’m so—” I started to say, but he put his hand on my lips to stop me.
“Enough. You’ve said it enough times.” He smiled.
“I mean it every time, though,” I managed to say despite the fingers pressed on my mouth.
“I know,” he said.
“So, I told you my big plan for the future.” I chuckled when he removed the hand. “What’s yours? What are you even studying?”
Nathan let out a long sigh and leaned the back of his head against the windshield.
“Food science. I want to open a microbrewery to start with and make my own beer,” he said.
“Huh,” I said. “That’s… the last thing I’d expect you to be doing.”
He laughed.
“I know. That’s what everyone says.”
“Why do you want that?” He glowered at me, and I rushed to add, “Not that I’m judging. I’m just curious.”
He shrugged and pursed his lips again.
“I-I used to have so much fun with you. At the farm. You may not have left me with the best memories, but those moments, helping your… asshole dad out on the farm were the best. And it was fun. And always different. I dunno. My dad used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a farmer. But then I realized how beer is made and that sounded like more fun. So…”
“You are a weird man,” I said, and he glowered again. “But I love every single bit of it.”
I bit my lip. I wasn’t ever this forthcoming. But after what we’d just done and what he’d just admitted…
Fuck shyness.
I leaned in for another kiss, what I’d been wanting to do since we stopped. He kissed me back, no tongue, just lips for a few moments, but then his hand came down to my chest and pushed me away gently.
When I pulled back from the kiss, he had a forced smile on his face.
“I’m sorry. Was I not supposed to do that?” I asked.
“It’s not that. I-I just… don’t want to lead you on,” he said.
My chest immediately felt close to combustion.
“I… I really enjoyed what we did earlier, but…”
“You can’t forgive me. I get it. You don’t feel the same way I do.”
I got it. It didn’t mean I liked it.
“It’s not that. It’s just… you’re a friend. Right? And you have feelings for me and-God, I’m a real ass. I’d love to do more of… well, that. But not if it means hurting your feelings. Because I don’t love you in the same way. Gosh, I’m making it worse.”
“You’re not,” I shook my head. “I understand. But you see… I can put my feelings aside?”
I didn’t mean to sound uncertain, but I just wanted more of Nathan. In any way or form.
Nathan smiled with kindness and rested his hand on my cheek again.
“Let’s be friends, okay? Let’s not keep fucking this friendship up with other bullshit. I’d like my friend Hudson back. Would… would you be okay with that?”
Being friendzoned? Well, no. But if it meant I spent more time with him, with my best friend, making amends and breathing the same air he did? Then I was. I’d learn to be okay with it.
“I’d love that.” My voice barely came out, but Nathan heard it all right.
“I think we should head home,” he said and tried to get off the hood.
I reached for his hand to stop him.
“I had… I had an amazing night. And I really don’t wanna go home and have it ruined by Dad,” I said. “Can we stay a little longer?”
He watched my hand around his wrist for a moment before looking up at me.
“You can sleep at my place if you want,” he said.
I laughed.
“Come on. Let’s be realistic.”
“What? It’s a big house. And I can have guests if I want to,” he said.
“Are you sure?”
Nathan rolled his eyes and shook his head.
“Duh. Otherwise I wouldn’t offer.”
“Okay then,” I said.
Nathan put his feet back to the ground, and when I did, he reached up to me.
For a moment I thought he’d changed his mind and wanted to backtrack on the whole “just friends” thing.
But then he kissed my cheek, a quick, chaste peck, and got in the car.
I didn’t know why he did it, but its ghost lingered on my skin for the rest of the ride home.
The house was quiet when we got in, and after a quick glass of water, he took me up to his room, not that I didn’t know the way, and left me to sleep there while he used one of the many other rooms.
And that was how my night ended. In his bed. But without him. In his proximity, but not close enough. In friendship, but in despair, too.
His bedroom hadn’t changed much. It still look
ed familiar. And even though I knew his sheets were clean and that wasn’t really his smell, the fact that I was in his space, his pillows fresh, and warm…
I finally felt at home.
Just as I was starting to drift off to sleep, my phone buzzed and I reached for it.
It was a Cinderfella notification. A message from MrRomantic.
MrRomantic: O
MrRomantic: M
MrRomantic: G
MrRomantic: !
MrRomantic: I had the craziest night. You wouldn’t believe.
I chuckled. Only a few hours ago he asked me to wish him luck, and now this? My curiosity was piqued. As always with him.
Sweet_Peaches: What happened?
MrRomantic: TL;DR version?
I watched the three dots fade in and out as he was typing his short response, and I was starting to worry that my app had crashed when his reply finally came. And it rendered me speechless.
MrRomantic: My high school bully came out. By kissing me. And then we blew each other in my car. Like, WTF?
WTF indeed!
MrRomantic was Nathan?
Twenty
Hudson
I woke up by instinct and searched for Romeo, but he wasn’t anywhere around.
Of course he wasn’t.
He was at home. Where I’d abandoned him with Dad.
I sat up in bed and looked around me, the four walls illuminated by daylight giving me a welcome view of a room I’d spent quite some time in when I was younger.
Nathan was MrRomantic.
MrRomantic was Nathan.
How was that even possible? What did I do with that information?
Did I tell him?
Or did I keep it to myself and phase him out.
There was a third option, of course. But it was dishonest, and I didn’t like it.
Nathan is my friend.
But he was also the man I was in love with.
I looked at my phone, opening the Cinderfella app and re-read the message he’d sent me last night.
“My high school bully,” he’d said. Not “my best friend.” Not even “my best friend turned bully.”
Had he really forgiven me if that was the word he used to describe me?
I had an opportunity.
An opportunity to find out if he’d really forgiven me and what he felt for me, if anything. What he really thought of me.
It was a bad idea.
I couldn’t do this to him.
As if he knew I was reading his messages, another message arrived from MrRomantic.
MrRomantic: Are you dead from the shock, or did you have a good time last night too?
I did. I had the best time of my life. But maybe he didn’t.
My fingers made the decision for me before my mind could cooperate.
I typed a response and sent it.
Sweet_Peaches: Sorry. I was half asleep.
Sweet_Peaches: Bully huh? What made you do that?
God this was a bad idea.
But when had I ever made a good decision in my life?
MrRomantic: I have no fucking clue.
MrRomantic: Well, that’s a lie.
Sweet_Peaches: So you *do* know?
MrRomantic: Le sigh. Yes. Or at least I think I do.
Sweet_Peaches: Okay…
MrRomantic: See, I’ve been having these fantasies about him lately.
MrRomantic: God, it’s embarrassing to admit. But I started thinking of you when… you know. And my head decided to give you his image.
Of all the things I expected him to say, that was the last.
He liked Sweet_Peaches?
I mean, he had said in no uncertain terms he wanted to meet me, but how fucked up was it he had imagined the real me as the digital me to… pleasure himself.
Fuck.
I threw my phone to the other end of the bed and slapped my forehead.
What are you doing Hudson?
I had to stop. I had to just take Nathan’s offer of friendship and stop screwing things up.
A message pinged through, and my hand reached for the phone before I knew what I was doing.
For fuck’s sake. I was addicted to my chats with him, and I couldn’t stop.
I was addicted to my chats with MrRomantic before I even found out he was Nathan.
MrRomantic: Freaked out?
Well, yeah, but I wasn’t going to tell him that.
Sweet_Peaches: No. Not at all.
Sweet_Peaches: So is that why you had sex with him? Because you were having fantasies about me, you, and him?
MrRomantic: That’s what I thought.
Sweet_Peaches: But…
MrRomantic: But he was also so cute and apologetic. It doesn’t help that he’s so fucking hot either.
He thought I was all these things? How? Why?
No one had ever called me cute, but then again, no one had ever called me hot, either, so what did I know.
Sweet_Peaches: But do you *like* like him?
I regretted the message as soon as I sent it.
It was too obvious. He’d know it was me. Right?
MrRomantic: I like you more.
My heart sunk.
Sweet_Peaches: You don’t even know me.
MrRomantic: I know enough.
Sweet_Peaches: I could be a lonely 60yo woman.
MrRomantic: I can live with that. Are you rich too?
Sweet_Peaches: I wish.
MrRomantic: LoL
Sweet_Peaches: You didn’t answer the question though.
Now that I’d made the mistake of asking, I had to know the answer even if it gave me away.
MrRomantic: I like him. But nothing can happen between us.
Sweet_Peaches: Why? I thought you sucked his cock.
Was Sweet_Peaches coming off slightly aggressive?
I had to watch my tone. I didn’t want to put him off.
But I also had to know.
Back at the beach, he’d said he wanted to stay friends, he didn’t feel the same way about me. But now, he had a different story.
What was the real one?
MrRomantic: Spur of the moment.
Sweet_Peaches: So you don’t like him.
MrRomantic: I do. But it’s complicated. He’s not the right person for me.
Sweet_Peaches: How do you know unless you try?
MrRomantic: Because you’re better for me. Meet me?
There it was again. He thought Sweet_Peaches was better. But why? How could he prefer a black chat screen over a real person. Over me.
Even if said black chat screen was also me.
Sweet_Peaches: I can’t.
It was all I offered, and Nathan, the gentleman he was, didn’t prod the subject further.
There was a knock on the door, and when I opened it, I found Nathan behind it, a sad, insincere smile on his face.
“Hey sleepyhead. Want some breakfast?”
Twenty-One
Nathan
What the hell happened last night? I still couldn’t wrap my head around it, even if the memory, hell, even the touch and feel of everything, lingered on me like a warm shadow following me everywhere.
Even as I got up from Maya’s bed and walked into her bathroom to have a shower.
I wanted to be mad at him. To be angry and frustrated with him for what he put me through and for lying to me.
But a single look at those eyes and all of that dissipated.
How could I stay mad at those eyes?
I thought fucking him would fuck away the fantasies, but it did nothing of the sort. All it did was make them even more intense.
If Maya knew what I’d done in her bed last night, she would not be happy.
But I couldn’t think of him and not get hard. I couldn’t stop seeing him with his lips around my cock, looking up at me hungrily. With need. And want.
This… feeling, or whatever the hell it was, needed to stop. It was dangerous. I couldn’t control it—or myself—around him.
That’s why I couldn’t be with him. I wasn’t myself around him. I wasn’t Nathan. I was this hungry, forgiving beast that wanted more than he should have. More blowjobs, more touches, more kisses, more gazes into his eyes.
Hudson was a drug, and if I didn’t watch myself, I’d get addicted.
I couldn’t lead him on, let him think there could be something between us, because… there couldn’t.
Hudson was not the man for me. He didn’t tick any of the boxes on my list. And even if he did some, they weren’t enough. I could only give my heart to someone who could take it and not screw it up.
And he was in love with me. So whatever happened last night could not happen again. I was not going to mess with his feelings just to figure out what the fuck was going on with me.
I came out of the shower with determination to be a decent guy and a good friend to Hudson and not fuck about with his feelings.
I put my PJs back on as I was too drunk last night to think about grabbing a change of clothes from my room—drunk on Hudson, that was—and came out of Maya’s room.
I looked over the end of the corridor where my room was, and I wondered what he was doing. Was he still sleeping or was he awake? Was he thinking about me? Was he thinking about last night?
Another door opened behind me, and I turned to find a face that I didn’t see as often anymore. Blond hair, green eyes, and the second uncle that people in town didn’t think looked like a family member came up to me and smiled.
“Charlie! You’re back!”
“Long time no see, bro,” he said and embraced me.
“And whose fault is that?” I asked him when he pulled away from me.
He quirked his eyebrow and looked at my PJs.
“Unicorns, huh? I knew you were gay. I didn’t know you were flaming.” He laughed.
I batted my eyelashes and put my palms under my chin.
“I’m a flaming queen, thank you very much.” Then I got serious again. “I went shopping with Summer.”