by W. W. Jacobs
GOOD INTENTIONS
"Jealousy; that's wot it is," said the night-watchman, trying to sneer--"pure jealousy." He had left his broom for a hurried half-pint at the"Bull's Head"--left it leaning in a negligent attitude against thewarehouse-wall; now, lashed to the top of the crane at the jetty end, itpointed its soiled bristles towards the evening sky and defied capture.
"And I know who it is, and why 'e's done it," he continued. "Fust andlast, I don't suppose I was talking to the gal for more than ten minutes,and 'arf of that was about the weather.
"I don't suppose anybody 'as suffered more from jealousy than wot I 'ave:Other people's jealousy, I mean. Ever since I was married the missis hasbeen setting traps for me, and asking people to keep an eye on me. Iblacked one of the eyes once--like a fool--and the chap it belonged tomade up a tale about me that I ain't lived down yet.
"Years ago, when I was out with the missis one evening, I saved a gal'slife for her. She slipped as she was getting off a bus, and I caught 'erjust in time. Fine strapping gal she was, and afore I could get mybalance we 'ad danced round and round 'arfway acrost the road with ourarms round each other's necks, and my missis watching us from thepavement. When we were safe, she said the gal 'adn't slipped at all;and, as soon as the gal 'ad got 'er breath, I'm blest if she didn't sayso too.
"You can't argufy with jealous people, and you can't shame 'em. When Itold my missis once that I should never dream of being jealous of her,instead of up and thanking me for it, she spoilt the best frying-pan weever had. When the widder-woman next-door but two and me 'ad rheumaticsat the same time, she went and asked the doctor whether it was catching.
"The worse trouble o' that kind I ever got into was all through trying todo somebody else a kindness. I went out o' my way to do it; I wasted thewhole evening for the sake of other people, and got into such troubleover it that even now it gives me the cold shivers to think of.
"Cap'n Tarbell was the man I tried to do a good turn to; a man what usedto be master of a ketch called the _Lizzie and Annie,_ trading between'ere and Shoremouth. 'Artful Jack' he used to be called, and if ever aman deserved the name, he did. A widder-man of about fifty, and as sillyas a boy of fifteen. He 'ad been talking of getting married agin forover ten years, and, thinking it was only talk, I didn't give 'im anygood advice. Then he told me one night that 'e was keeping company witha woman named Lamb, who lived at a place near Shoremouth. When I asked'im what she looked like, he said that she had a good 'art, and, knowingwot that meant, I wasn't at all surprised when he told me some time arterthat 'e had been a silly fool.
"'Well, if she's got a good 'art,' I ses, 'p'r'aps she'll let you go.'
"'Talk sense,' he ses. 'It ain't good enough for that. Why, sheworships the ground I tread on. She thinks there is nobody like me inthe whole wide world.'
"'Let's 'ope she'll think so arter you're married,' I ses, trying tocheer him up.
"'I'm not going to get married,' he ses. 'Leastways, not to 'er. But'ow to get out of it without breaking her 'art and being had up forbreach o' promise I can't think. And if the other one got to 'ear of it,I should lose her too.'
"'Other one?' I ses, 'wot other one?'
"Cap'n Tarbell shook his 'ead and smiled like a silly gal.
"'She fell in love with me on top of a bus in the Mile End Road,' he ses.'Love at fust sight it was. She's a widder lady with a nice little 'ouseat Bow, and plenty to live on-her 'usband having been a builder. I don'tknow what to do. You see, if I married both of 'em it's sure to be foundout sooner or later.'
"'You'll be found out as it is,' I ses, 'if you ain't careful. I'msurprised at you.'
"'Yes,' he ses, getting up and walking backwards and forwards;'especially as Mrs. Plimmer is always talking about coming down to seethe ship. One thing is, the crew won't give me away; they've been withme too long for that. P'r'aps you could give me a little advice, Bill.'
"I did. I talked to that man for an hour and a'arf, and when I 'adfinished he said he didn't want that kind of advice at all. Wot 'ewanted was for me to tell 'im 'ow to get rid of Miss Lamb and marry Mrs.Plimmer without anybody being offended or having their feelings hurt.
"Mrs. Plimmer came down to the ship the very next evening. Fine-lookingwoman she was, and, wot with 'er watch and chain and di'mond rings andbrooches and such-like, I should think she must 'ave 'ad five or sixpounds' worth of jewell'ry on 'er. She gave me a very pleasant smile,and I gave 'er one back, and we stood chatting there like old friendstill at last she tore 'erself away and went on board the ship.
"She came off by and by hanging on Cap'n Tarbell's arm. The cap'n wasdressed up in 'is Sunday clothes, with one of the cleanest collars on I'ave ever seen in my life, and smoking a cigar that smelt like an escapeof gas. He came back alone at ha'past eleven that night, and 'e told methat if it wasn't for the other one down Shoremouth way he should be the'appiest man on earth.
"'Mrs. Plimmer's only got one fault,' he ses, shaking his 'cad, 'andthat's jealousy. If she got to know of Laura Lamb, it would be all U.P.It makes me go cold all over when I think of it. The only thing is toget married as quick as I can; then she can't help 'erself.'
"'It wouldn't prevent the other one making a fuss, though,' I ses.
"'No,' he ses, very thoughtfully, 'it wouldn't. I shall 'ave to dosomething there, but wot, I don't know.'
"He climbed on board like a man with a load on his mind, and arter a lookat the sky went below and forgot both 'is troubles in sleep.
"Mrs. Plimmer came down to the wharf every time the ship was up, arterthat. Sometimes she'd spend the evening aboard, and sometimes they'd gooff and spend it somewhere else. She 'ad a fancy for the cabin, I think,and the cap'n told me that she 'ad said when they were married she wasgoing to sail with 'im sometimes.
"'But it ain't for six months yet,' he ses, 'and a lot o' things might'appen to the other one in that time, with luck.'
"It was just about a month arter that that 'e came to me one eveningtrembling all over. I 'ad just come on dooty, and afore I could ask 'imwot was the matter he 'ad got me in the 'Bull's Head' and stood me three'arf-pints, one arter the other.
"'I'm ruined,' he ses in a 'usky whisper; 'I'm done for. Why was wimmenmade? Wot good are they? Fancy 'ow bright and 'appy we should all bewithout 'em.'
"'I started to p'int out one or two things to 'im that he seemed to 'aveforgot, but 'e wouldn't listen. He was so excited that he didn't seem toknow wot 'e was doing, and arter he 'ad got three more 'arf-pints waitingfor me, all in a row on the counter, I 'ad to ask 'im whether he thoughtI was there to do conjuring tricks, or wot?'
"'There was a letter waiting for me in the office,' he ses. 'From MissLamb--she's in London. She's coming to pay me a surprise visit thisevening--I know who'll get the surprise. Mrs. Plimmer's coming too.'
"I gave 'im one of my 'arf-pints and made 'im drink it. He chucked thepot on the floor when he 'ad done, in a desprit sort o' way, and 'im andthe landlord 'ad a little breeze then that did 'im more good than wot thebeer 'ad. When we came outside 'e seemed more contented with 'imself,but he shook his 'ead and got miserable as soon as we got to the wharfagin.
"'S'pose they both come along at the same time,' he ses. 'Wot's to bedone?'
"I shut the gate with a bang and fastened the wicket. Then I turned to'im with a smile.
"'I'm watchman 'ere,' I ses, 'and I lets in who I thinks I will. Thisain't a public 'ighway,' I ses; 'it's a wharf.'
"'Bill,' he ses, 'you're a genius.'
"'If Miss Lamb comes 'ere asking arter you,' I ses, 'I shall say you'vegone out for the evening.'
"'Wot about her letter?' he ses.
"'You didn't 'ave it,' I ses, winking at 'im.
"'And suppose she waits about outside for me, and Mrs. Plimmer wants meto take 'er out?' he ses, shivering. 'She's a fearful obstinate woman;and she'd wait a week for me.'
"He kept peeping up the road while we talked it over, and then we bothsee Mrs. Plimmer coming a
long. He backed on to the wharf and pulled out'is purse.
"'Bill,' he ses, gabbling as fast as 'e could gabble, 'here's five or sixshillings. If the other one comes and won't go away tell 'er I've goneto the Pagoda Music-'all and you'll take 'er to me, keep 'er out all theevening some'ow, if you can, if she comes back too soon keep 'er in theoffice.'
"'And wot about leaving the wharf and my dooty?' I ses, staring.
"'I'll put Joe on to keep watch for you,' he ses, pressing the money inmy 'and. 'I rely on you, Bill, and I'll never forget you. You won'tlose by it, trust me.'
"He nipped off and tumbled aboard the ship afore I could say a word. Ijust stood there staring arter 'im and feeling the money, and afore Icould make up my mind Mrs. Plimmer came up.
"I thought I should never ha' got rid of 'er. She stood there chattingand smiling, and seemed to forget all about the cap'n, and every moment Iwas afraid that the other one might come up. At last she went off,looking behind 'er, to the ship, and then I went outside and put my backup agin the gate and waited.
"I 'ad hardly been there ten minutes afore the other one came along. Isaw 'er stop and speak to a policeman, and then she came straight over tome.
"'I want to see Cap'n Tarbell,' she ses.
"'Cap'n Tarbell?' I ses, very slow; 'Cap'n Tarbell 'as gone off for theevening.'
"'Gone off!' she ses, staring. 'But he can't 'ave. Are you sure?'
"'Sartain,' I ses. Then I 'ad a bright idea. 'And there's a letter comefor 'im,' I ses.
"'Oh, dear!' she ses. 'And I thought it would be in plenty of time.Well, I must go on the ship and wait for 'im, I suppose.'
"If I 'ad only let 'er go I should ha' saved myself a lot o' trouble, andthe man wot deserved it would ha' got it. Instead o' that I told 'erabout the music-'all, and arter carrying on like a silly gal o' seventeenand saying she couldn't think of it, she gave way and said she'd go withme to find 'im. I was all right so far as clothes went as it happened.Mrs. Plimmer said once that I got more and more dressy every time she sawme, and my missis 'ad said the same thing only in a different way. Ijust took a peep through the wicket and saw that Joe 'ad taken up mydooty, and then we set off.
"I said I wasn't quite sure which one he'd gone to, but we'd try thePagoda Music-'all fust, and we went there on a bus from Aldgate. It wasthe fust evening out I 'ad 'ad for years, and I should 'ave enjoyed it ifit 'adn't been for Miss Lamb. Wotever Cap'n Tarbell could ha' seen in'er, I can't think.
"She was quiet, and stupid, and bad-tempered. When the bus-conductor cameround for the fares she 'adn't got any change; and when we got to thehall she did such eggsterrordinary things trying to find 'er pocket thatI tried to look as if she didn't belong to me. When she left off shesmiled and said she was farther off than ever, and arter three or fourwot was standing there 'ad begged 'er to have another try, I 'ad to payfor the two.
"The 'ouse was pretty full when we got in, but she didn't take no noticeof that. Her idea was that she could walk about all over the placelooking for Cap'n Tarbell, and it took three men in buttons and apoliceman to persuade 'er different. We were pushed into a couple o'seats at last, and then she started finding fault with me.
"'Where is Cap'n Tarbell?' she ses. 'Why don't you find him?'
"'I'll go and look for 'im in the bar presently,' I ses. 'He's sure tobe there, arter a turn or two.'
"I managed to keep 'er quiet for 'arf an hour--with the 'elp of thepeople wot sat near us--and then I 'ad to go. I 'ad a glass o' beer topass the time away, and, while I was drinking it, who should come up butthe cook and one of the hands from the _Lizzie and Annie_.
"'We saw you,' ses the cook, winking; 'didn't we Bob?'
"'Yes,' ses Bob, shaking his silly 'ead; 'but it wasn't no surprise tome. I've 'ad my eye on 'im for a long time past.'
"'I thought 'e was married,' ses the cook.
"'So he is,' ses Bob, 'and to the best wife in London. I know where shelives. Mine's a bottle o' Bass,' he ses, turning to me.
"'So's mine,' ses the cook.
"I paid for two bottles for 'em, and arter that they said that they'd'ave a whisky and soda apiece just to show as there was no ill-feeling.
"'It's very good,' ses Bob, sipping his, 'but it wants a sixpenny cigarto go with it. It's been the dream o' my life to smoke a sixpennycigar.'
"'So it 'as mine,' ses the cook, 'but I don't suppose I ever shall.'
"They both coughed arter that, and like a goodnatured fool I stood 'em asixpenny cigar apiece, and I 'ad just turned to go back to my seat whenup come two more hands from the Lizzie and Annie.
"'Halloa, watchman!' ses one of 'em. 'Why, I thought you was a-takingcare of the wharf.'
"'He's got something better than the wharf to take care of,' ses Bob,grinning.
"'I know; we see 'im,' ses the other chap. 'We've been watching 'isgoings-on for the last 'arf-hour; better than a play it was.'
"I stopped their mouths with a glass o' bitter each, and went back to myseat while they was drinking it. I told Miss Lamb in whispers that 'ewasn't there, but I'd 'ave another look for him by and by. If she'd ha'whispered back it would ha' been all right, but she wouldn't, and, artera most unpleasant scene, she walked out with her 'ead in the air folleredby me with two men in buttons and a policeman.
"O' course, nothing would do but she must go back to the wharf and waitfor Cap'n Tarbell, and all the way there I was wondering wot would 'appenif she went on board and found 'im there with Mrs. Plimmer. However,when we got there I persuaded 'er to go into the office while I wentaboard to see if I could find out where he was, and three minutesarterwards he was standing with me behind the galley, trembling all overand patting me on the back.
"'Keep 'er in the office a little longer,' he ses, in a whisper. 'Theother's going soon. Keep 'er there as long as you can.'
"'And suppose she sees you and Mrs. Plimmer passing the window?' I ses.
"'That'll be all right; I'm going to take 'er to the stairs in the ship'sboat,' he ses. 'It's more romantic.'
"He gave me a little punch in the ribs, playfullike, and, arter tellingme I was worth my weight in gold-dust, went back to the cabin agin.
"I told Miss Lamb that the cabin was locked up, but that Cap'n Tarbellwas expected back in about 'arf-an-hour's time. Then I found 'er an oldnewspaper and a comfortable chair and sat down to wait. I couldn't go onthe wharf for fear she'd want to come with me, and I sat there as patientas I could, till a little clicking noise made us both start up and lookat each other.
"'Wot's that?' she ses, listening.
"'It sounded,' I ses 'it sounded like somebody locking the door.'
"I went to the door to try it just as somebody dashed past the windowwith their 'ead down. It was locked fast, and arter I had 'ad a try atit and Miss Lamb had 'ad a try at it, we stood and looked at each otherin surprise.
"'Somebody's playing a joke on us,' I ses.
"'Joke!' ses Miss Lamb. 'Open that door at once. If you don't open itI'll call for the police.'
"She looked at the windows, but the iron bars wot was strong enough tokeep the vans outside was strong enough to keep 'er in, and then she gaveway to such a fit o' temper that I couldn't do nothing with 'er.
"'Cap'n Tarbell can't be long now,' I ses, as soon as I could get a wordin. 'We shall get out as soon as e comes.'
"She flung 'erself down in the chair agin with 'er back to me, and fornearly three-quarters of an hour we sat there without a word. Then, toour joy, we 'eard footsteps turn in at the gate. Quick footsteps theywas. Somebody turned the handle of the door, and then a face looked inat the window that made me nearly jump out of my boots in surprise. Aface that was as white as chalk with temper, and a bonnet cocked over oneeye with walking fast. She shook 'er fist at me, and then she shook itat Miss Lamb.
"'Who's that?' ses Miss Lamb.
"'My missis,' I ses, in a loud voice. 'Thank goodness she's come.'
"'Open the door!' ses my missis, with a screech.
"'I can't,' I ses. 'Somebody's locked it. This is Cap'n Tarbell's younglady.'
"'I'll Cap'n Tarbell 'er when I get in!' ses my wife. 'You too. I'llmusic-'all you! I'll learn you to go gallivanting about! Open thedoor!'
"She walked up and down the alley-way in front of the window waiting forme just like a lion walking up and down its cage waiting for its dinner,and I made up my mind then and there that I should 'ave to make a cleanbreast of it and let Cap'n Tarbell get out of it the best way he could.I wasn't going to suffer for him.
"'Ow long my missis walked up and down there I don't know. It seemedages to me; but at last I 'eard footsteps and voices, and Bob and thecook and the other two chaps wot we 'ad met at the music'all came alongand stood grinning in at the window.
"'Somebody's locked us in,' I ses. 'Go and fetch Cap'n Tarbell.'
"'Cap'n Tarbell?' ses the cook. 'You don't want to see 'im. Why, he'sthe last man in the world you ought to want to see! You don't know 'owjealous he is.'
"'You go and fetch 'im, I ses. ''Ow dare you talk like that afore mywife!'
"'I dursen't take the responserbility,' ses the cook. 'It might meanbloodshed.'
"'You go and fetch 'im,' ses my missis. 'Never mind about the bloodshed.I don't. Open the door!'
"She started banging on the door agin, and arter talking among themselvesfor a time they moved off to the ship. They came back in three or fourminutes, and the cook 'eld up something in front of the window.
"'The boy 'ad got it,' he ses. 'Now shall I open the door and let yourmissis in, or would you rather stay where you are in peace andquietness?'
"I saw my missis jump at the key, and Bob and the others, laughing fit tosplit their sides, 'olding her back. Then I heard a shout, and the nextmoment Cap'n Tarbell came up and asked 'em wot the trouble was about.
"They all started talking at once, and then the cap'n, arter one look inat the window, threw up his 'ands and staggered back as if 'e couldn'tbelieve his eyesight. He stood dazed-like for a second or two, and then'e took the key out of the cook's 'and, opened the door, and walked in.The four men was close be'ind 'im, and, do all she could, my missiscouldn't get in front of 'em.
"'Watchman!' he ses, in a stuck-up voice, 'wot does this mean? LauraLamb! wot 'ave you got to say for yourself? Where 'ave you been all theevening?'
"'She's been to a music-'all with Bill,' ses the cook. 'We saw 'em.'
"'WOT?' ses the cap'n, falling back again. 'It can't be!'
"'It was them,' ses my wife. 'A little boy brought me a note telling me.You let me go; it's my husband, and I want to talk to 'im.'
"'It's all right,' I ses, waving my 'and at Miss Lamb, wot was going tospeak, and smiling at my missis, wot was trying to get at me.
"'We went to look for you,' ses Miss Lamb, very quick. 'He said you wereat the music-'all, and as you 'adn't got my letter I thought it was verylikely.'
"'But I did get your letter,' ses the cap'n.
"'He said you didn't,' ses Miss Lamb.
"'Look 'ere,' I ses. 'Why don't you keep quiet and let me explain? Ican explain everything.'
"'I'm glad o' that, for your sake, my man,' ses the cap'n, looking at mevery hard. 'I 'ope you will be able to explain 'ow it was you came toleave the wharf for three hours.'
"I saw it all then. If I split about Mrs. Plimmer, he'd split to theguv'nor about my leaving my dooty, and I should get the sack. I thoughtI should ha' choked, and, judging by the way they banged me on the back,Bob and the cook thought so too. They 'elped me to a chair when I gotbetter, and I sat there 'elpless while the cap'n went on talking.
"'I'm no mischief-maker,' he ses; 'and, besides, p'r'aps he's beenpunished enough. And as far as I'm concerned he can take this lady to amusic-'all every night of the week if 'e likes. I've done with her.'
"There was an eggsterrordinary noise from where my missis was standing;like the gurgling water makes sometimes running down the kitchen sink at'ome, only worse. Then they all started talking together, and'arf-a- dozen times or more Miss Lamb called me to back 'er up in wotshe was saying, but I only shook my 'ead, and at last, arter tossing her'ead at Cap'n Tarbell and telling 'im she wouldn't 'ave 'im if he'd gotfifty million a year, the five of 'em 'eld my missis while she went off.
"They gave 'er ten minutes' start, and then Cap'n Tarbell, arter lookingat me and shaking his 'ead, said he was afraid they must be going.
"'And I 'ope this night'll be a lesson to you,' he ses. 'Don't neglectyour dooty again. I shall keep my eye on you, and if you be'ave yourselfI sha'n't say anything. Why, for all you know or could ha' done thewharf might ha' been burnt to the ground while you was away!'
"He nodded to his crew, and they all walked out laughing and left mealone--with the missis."
Mr. Chase, with his friend in his powerful grasp, wasdoing his best, as he expressed it, to shake the life out of him]