"Of course you do. Why do you hate the tree, Bruce?"
"Because it's Swiss?"
"It's a Swiss tree?"
"I dunno."
"Will you be happy if the tree dies?" Seamus asked.
"I guess so. My father is a monster. He yells and screams, and everybody is afraid of him."
"Are you afraid of him?" Seamus asked.
Bunyip wiped his nose. "Sometimes he smiles—that's really scary. When he is nice to people at the studio, sometimes they faint. Usually when he looks happy it's because he is going to do something horrible to someone."
"You like to do horrible things to people," Seamus said.
"Well, yes," Bunyip said.
"Why is that, Bruce? Why do you like to do horrible things to people?"
"I don't know. 'Cause I'm good at it?"
"Is it because, when you do horrible things to them, then they know how you feel when your father smiles at you?"
"My brain hurts," Bunyip said.
"I tell you what," Seamus said. "Let's let this tree live."
"You think?" Bunyip asked.
"I do. Leave the tree alone. And maybe don't start in bashing other cadets. Can you do that for me, Bruce?"
"I'll try," Bunyip said.
"I think you should go into the gym and shoot some baskets," Seamus said.
"I like to shoot baskets," Bunyip said.
"Good boy. I'm proud of you."
Bunyip loped off into the gym to shoot baskets.
"That was magnificent," I said.
"If he weren't so dangerous, I'd feel sorry for him," Al said.
"That will hold him for a while," Seamus said. "It seems the thing to do is get him thinking. Since he can't do two things at once, he's unlikely to throw punches when his brain, such as it is, is active."
"You were great," I said. "And you got this from copying your father's role as a psychiatrist? What picture was that again?"
"It's a stinker. He plays a psychiatrist who is also the greatest swordsman in Vienna."
"Bunyip's father sounds pretty horrible," Al said.
"Oh, he is," Seamus said. "My father has told me stories about him. You know the woman who works at the Rolling Doughnut?"
"The real pretty one who talks to herself and drools?" I asked.
"That's the one. She was all set to be a big movie star, like Betty Grable or somebody. Had already made two pictures, and they were going to release them with all kinds of publicity and make sure she was a big success."
"So what happened?" Al asked.
"Sholmos Bunyip got mad at her for some reason—or no reason. He threw out the pictures, made it so nobody would give her a job—not just in movies—she couldn't get any job anywhere in Los Angeles. For a while she was sleeping on those benches at bus stops and wearing newspapers."
"That's really harsh," I said.
"Every few weeks, Bunyip comes by and orders a doughnut and laughs at her," Seamus said. "He's a monster, all right."
And he probably has my turtle by now, I thought.
CHAPTER 53
A Normal Saturday
Seamus, Al, Iggy, and I were crowded into one of the little booths at the big music store on Sunset and Vine. We were listening to "Night in Tunisia" by Dizzy Gillespie. The way it worked was like this: There was a row of little rooms along one side of the store, with windows onto the street, glass doors, and windows into the store. There was a turntable in each booth, and you could take records into one and listen to them to see if you wanted to buy them. The trick was to act in a way to convince the clerks that you were really going to buy a record and weren't just listening for free. The clerks were young guys, and nobody ever saw them kick anybody out for playing a lot of records and not buying any—but we put on an act just the same. When we brought records back from the booth, we said things like, "I am seriously considering purchasing this recording—but I would prefer to think about it for a while. Very probably, I will come back tomorrow, or possibly even later today, and buy it—perhaps several copies, to give as gifts to my friends and family."
The clerks would look bored, and say, "Fine. You want to listen to anything else?"
You could get kicked out of the music store for dancing, eating, or sleeping in the listening booths, but we never did those things.
So there we were, all jammed into the booth, listening to "Night in Tunisia." We wanted to hear what Dizzy Gillespie sounded like, because Sergeant Caleb had mentioned him. He was pretty amazing.
Through the glass door of the booth, we all noticed a guy wearing a fur hat with what looked like buffalo horns coming out of the sides. He had long hair braided into two pigtails, and was wearing a suit and tie. He was browsing in the classical music section. Nobody mentioned him—we were too involved with following Dizzy's music—but we all saw him.
The record ended, and we had breathed up most of the air in the booth, so we went outside and wandered east along Sunset Boulevard. We hadn't gone very far when a teenager in an NBC uniform approached us.
"Would you like free tickets to a radio broadcast?" the teenager asked politely. He was an NBC page—it's a job kids can get. We accepted the tickets. "Show begins in ten minutes," the page said. "Right through that door."
This was something the others had done lots of times but that I hadn't yet—being in the audience at radio shows. The programs needed people to laugh and applaud, and sometimes participate in games and quizzes. It was free, and we were just kicking around the streets on a Saturday afternoon, following a morning at the Hitching Post. Seamus and Al and I did things like this every Saturday. Iggy went to the Harmonious Reality School, a progressive school down the street, and could just walk out whenever she felt like it. Sometimes she would sit in the audience at a weekday program, and read or take a nap. She said her school was not to be taken seriously.
CHAPTER 54
Live Audience
It was like a little theater, like a movie house, with nice seats, and a stage with microphones where the screen would be. About half the seats had people in them. We sat in the last row, so we could sneak out if it was boring.
A guy in a suit came out. "Welcome to the radio broadcast of Who Knows? This is what we call the audience warm-up. Who Knows? is a quiz program. We're going to select contestants from among the audience, so when we ask who wants to play, raise your hand if you do—and if one of the NBC pages points to you, come directly down to the stage. In a few minutes we're going to begin the game. We hope you'll enjoy our show, and please show your appreciation when the sign that says Applause' lights up.
"Now, this is very important: when the sign that says 'Who Knows?' lights up, and I point to the audience, I want you all to shout, 'Who knows?' nice and loud. Let's give it a try, okay?"
The "Who Knows?" sign lit up, and the guy in the suit pointed, and we all hollered, "Who knows?"
"That was great," the guy in the suit said. "And now let's welcome our quizmaster, Ed Eft! Give him a big hand, folks!"
The applause sign lit up and Ed Eft came out. We whistled and clapped. Behind a glass window, there were guys with earphones on pointing and signaling to Ed.
"Welcome, welcome to Who Knows?" Ed Eft said, "the quiz program where ordinary people can win up to one hundred dollars. Who is going to have a chance to play our game, and possibly win big money?"
The sign lit up, the guy in the suit pointed, and we all shouted, "Who knows?"
"Now, let's see who is going to play with us today," Ed Eft said. "Raise your hands, members of the audience, if you want to play. Raise them nice and high." We all raised our hands.
"When the NBC page points to you, come right down to the stage. Ohhh, look at all the hands! Okay, the gentleman with horns on his hat—hurry on down, sir! And the little girl in the back row! Come on down and play Who Knows?"
It was the guy we had seen in the music store, and the other contestant was going to be Iggy!
"Wow! Iggy is going to be on the radio!" Seamus s
aid.
"And look!" Al said. "The other contestant is the weirdball with the horny hat we saw in the record store!"
Iggy and the weirdball were on the stage with Ed Eft.
"And who do we have here?" Ed Eft said. "What is your name, sir?"
"I am Nishdugedak," the guy with the horns said. "You may address me as Crazy Wig."
"You are a Native American, I presume," Ed Eft said.
"I am Crazy Wig."
"Can I call you Chief Crazy Wig?"
"No."
"And what is your name, sweet little girl?"
"I am Yggdrasil Birnbaum," Iggy said. "You may address me as Iggy."
"Do you know how we play our game?" Ed Eft said.
"No idea," Crazy Wig said.
"No idea," Iggy said.
"You may choose from one of our categories," Ed Eft said. "I will ask you ten questions. Each question is worth five dollars. If you give a wrong answer we deduct five dollars. And if you answer all the questions correctly, you will divide a hundred dollars between you. Can they do it, audience?"
The light came on and the guy in the suit pointed. We all shouted, "Who knows?"
"Here are the categories," Ed Eft said. "Cowboy Stars of the Silver Screen..."
"Pick that one, Iggy," we whispered.
"Her father is a cowboy star of the silver screen," I whispered to Al. "She probably knows all about it."
"The next category is Indian Legends and Lore."
"Pick that one," we whispered, thinking that Crazy Wig, a Native American, would know all about it.
"And the third category is Turtles."
"Turtles," Iggy said.
"Turtles," Crazy Wig said.
"Turtles?" we whispered.
CHAPTER 55
Turtles?
"The category you've chosen is Turtles, and here is the first question. How many kinds of turtles are there?"
Iggy and Crazy Wig whispered to each other.
"Shot down," Al said.
"How can they possibly know that?" Seamus asked.
"We're going to say two hundred seventy, Ed," Crazy Wig said.
"And the answer is," Ed said, "two hundred seventy! You're off to a good start, contestants! You have five dollars. Answer the next question correctly and get another five dollars—but remember, a wrong answer will cost you five dollars! Now, for another five dollars, how long have turtles been on earth?"
They didn't even whisper this time.
"Turtles have been here since before the dinosaurs," Iggy said.
"It's about two hundred and thirty million years, Ed," Crazy Wig said.
"That's right! Chief Crazy Wig and little Iggy Birnbaum, you have ten dollars! But there's another question coming. Will they get it right, audience?"
"Who knows?"
"This is a tough one," Ed Eft said. "Can turtles hear, and do they have ears?"
"Turtles don't have an outer ear, Ed," Crazy Wig said.
"But they do have an inner ear, and can hear," Iggy said.
"Answer this next one, and you'll have twenty dollars," Ed Eft said. "What is the largest turtle?"
"It's the leatherback sea turtle at ninety-five inches long, Ed," Crazy Wig said.
"The largest tortoise is the Galápagos tortoise," Iggy said, "and the largest freshwater turtle in the United States is the alligator snapping turtle."
"You anticipate our next question, little Yggdrasil," Ed Eft said. "Is there a difference between a tortoise and a turtle?"
"There is, Ed," Iggy said. "In North America we call them tortoises if they live on land, and turtles if they need constant access to water. And there is one type of turtle we call a terrapin—it's the diamondback terrapin, and it lives in brackish, or slightly salty, water."
"But in Europe, only sea turtles are referred to as turtles," Crazy Wig said. "Freshwater varieties are called terrapins, and land-based varieties are called tortoises, including box turtles, which need access to water."
"Twenty-five dollars, and not a single wrong answer!" Ed Eft said. "Get five more right, and divide a hundred dollars between you. Now, here's a toughie— what do turtles do in the winter?"
"They brummate, Ed."
"Correct! They brummate, which is another word for hibernate. You're doing great, contestants. And we'll be right back to play this exciting game, after a word from Mad Man Muntz, maker of Muntz television sets."
The guy in the suit read an advertisement for television sets, and said the name of the radio station, and what time it was.
Seamus and Al and I were pretty excited. Between them, Crazy Wig and Iggy appeared to know all there was to know about turtles. After the commercial, the questions and answers resumed.
Smallest turtle? The bog turtle, or Muhlenberg's turtle. Smallest tortoise? The speckled cape padloper. Can turtles take off their shells? No.
"And now for our last question," Ed Eft said. "Get this one right, and divide a hundred dollars. What is meant by Turtle Island?"
"I'll take this one," Crazy Wig said. "This is ... this North American continent is Turtle Island, and the reason is that, according to Amerindian belief, this land is supported on the back of a great turtle."
"That is absolutely correct!" Ed Eft shouted. "A perfect score, and our contestants, Chief Crazy Wig and Yggdrasil Birnbaum, win one hundred dollars!"
The applause sign was flashing on and off, and we were stamping and clapping and cheering and whistling.
"I'd like to say something, Ed," Crazy Wig said.
"Certainly, Chief," Ed Eft said.
"Los Angeles is in great peril, maybe doomed," Crazy Wig said. "Ancient prophesies tell us that a huge catastrophe is about to happen. Gigantic animals nobody has ever seen before will be rampaging in the streets. People won't know which way to run. I am going to spend my fifty dollars on a bus ticket out of here, and I advise everyone else to do the same."
"Chief Crazy Wig, ladies and gentlemen!" Ed Eft said, clapping his hands. "A great contestant! Let's give the chief a big round of applause!"
Yaaay! Clap, clap, clap, clap, clap.
CHAPTER 56
They're Back!
Al had to go. His family was invited to a birthday party for the bearded lady from the circus. Seamus, Iggy, and I headed back toward the Hermione. We saw Crazy Wig having an Orange Julius at the stand on Vine Street. "Nice working with you, partner," he said to Iggy.
"That stuff you said ... about the catastrophe..." I said.
"I said something about a catastrophe?" Crazy Wig said. "I wonder what it was."
"You don't remember?"
"Sometimes I don't pay attention. I may have been tired and confused after remembering all that stuff about turtles. Well, it was fun winning money with you, Yggdrasil. I have to go now—have a bus to catch."
Crazy Wig headed off toward the bus station.
"So is he a loony or what?" I asked.
"He knows plenty about turtles," Seamus said.
"Hey, I answered some of those questions," Iggy said.
When we got back to the Hermione, who should be sitting in the lobby but Aaron Finn—and Billy the Phantom Bellboy!
"Father!" Seamus said.
"Son!" Aaron said.
"Neddie!" Billy said.
"Ghost!" I said.
"This is Yggdrasil Birnbaum," Seamus said.
"Call me Iggy," Iggy said. "I've gotten used to it."
"Not the daughter of Captain Buffalo Birnbaum!" Aaron Finn said. "I was at your birthday party when you were one year old! How is your dear father?"
"The same as always," Iggy said. "He and my mother live right here in the hotel."
"I must look him up soon," Aaron Finn said. "What a fine gentleman he is. And Neddie, we saw your parents. They're picking up your sister at a play rehearsal, and then we're going to meet them at the Brown Derby, if you have no other plans. And of course Yggdrasil is welcome to come too, if she likes."
"My sister is in a play?" I asked.
"T
hey're doing A Streetcar Named West Pico Boulevard at the high school," Aaron Finn said.
"How was Canada?" Seamus asked his father.
"It went well," Aaron Finn said. "I had a good role—I played a Mountie who is the greatest swordsman in Saskatchewan. And while I was there, I wrote my own screenplay, with Billy's help."
"Actually, I did most of the writing," Billy said. "But we're going to put your father's name on it."
"So, you're a ghostwriter?" Iggy said.
"Very funny," Billy said. "It's about a vampire who is the greatest swordsman in Transylvania, and becomes a pirate. We're calling it Captain Bloodthirsty."
"We can shoot the whole thing in the IMS tank," Aaron Finn said.
International Mammon Studios has this huge tank, like a gigantic swimming pool. I could see a corner of it in the distance from one of my bedporch windows. It was big enough to put ships in, and had a great big billboard behind it painted to look like the sky. Just as big was the full-size stucco replica of the Roman Coliseum they'd been building for weeks.
"We brought your parents a forty-seven-pound Canadian cheese," Aaron Finn said. "And look, boys! We brought you each a Mountie hat."
"Neat!" Seamus and I said, and tried on the hats.
Aaron Finn lowered his voice. "Does your friend know about the item?"
"The item?"
"The gadget, the thing, the shtick, the gimmick, the whatzit ... You know, the thing ... that Neddie has ... the little stone thing."
"Oh, the turtle! Yes, Iggy is our friend. She knows all about it—and we have things to tell you."
"We have things to tell you too," Aaron Finn said. "We ran into Melvin the shaman in Canada."
"What?"
"You know, the shaman—the one who gave Neddie the turtle."
"How is that possible? He's working at Brown-Sparrow! We see him every day!"
"That Melvin!" Billy said. "He's full of tricks, isn't he?"
So we sat there in the lobby of the Hermione Hotel, Seamus and me wearing our Mountie hats, and told Aaron Finn and Billy the Phantom Bellboy all the things that had happened, about Nick Bluegum being Sandor Eucalyptus and sending me a secret message, and how Sergeant Caleb was Melvin, and how I had hidden the turtle at Stuffed Stuff 'n' Stuff, how Steve Kraft had sold it to Nick Bluegum, and our belief that Bluegum would sell it to Sholmos Bunyip—right up to the quiz show and Crazy Wig.
The Neddiad: How Neddie Took the Train, Went to Hollywood, and Saved Civilization Page 12