by Cassie James
I pat Dad on the chest, a loving gesture that also serves to force him back a few steps so he stops looking quite so menacing. “Keep your phone on, Piper,” he reminds me. “No exceptions.”
“Yeah, I know.” It’s the same rule they established my very first day. I’m not sure why he thinks I’d suddenly forget it now. But the way he’s staring at me, being able to reach me at all times suddenly seems like the most important thing in the world. “Okay, bye,” I blurt out, stepping out of the house and wrapping my hands around Brennan’s arm to drag him along with me.
I don’t want to seem clingy, but Dad’s being weird—as if Piper had never been on a freaking date before, which I know for a fact isn’t true. I clear my throat and give Brennan a once-over, trying to focus on something else.
He’s dressed casually, and a quick glance at his Jeep confirms he’s rolled the soft top up and strapped it out of the way so his car is open to the October evening air.
“I’d say you clean up nice,” I start, slowing now that my dad’s closed the front door between us. I offer a cheeky smile up at Brennan before I continue, “But you really dressed it down in jeans and a t-shirt, huh?”
His eyes go wide, and I can’t help but laugh lightly at how perplexed he looks. He doesn’t actually respond to me, though, the silence hanging heavily between us as we reach the Jeep. As I walk around to my side, I mutter to myself just loudly enough that I know he hears me, “Okay, using humor to break the ice… clearly not going to work.”
I start mentally preparing myself for the most awkward date to ever occur in the history of dating. How the hell is this going to go if I can’t even get him to crack a smile at me? Yeesh. Any excitement I was feeling evaporates into thin air as he climbs in and starts the Jeep without a word to me.
We’ve made it all the way to the outskirts of West Ex before I work up the nerve to speak again. “Did I say something wrong?” I call over the sound of wind rushing through the car.
His hand tightens on the gear shaft, and I can see the muscles in his jaw tensing as he clenches his teeth. After a few seconds of awkward silence, he finally calls back, “You’re funny.”
“Oh… uhm, thank you?” So why the hell did you clam up? I want to shout back, but I bite the response down and keep my eyes fixed on the road, with only the occasional sideways glance as I wait to see if he’ll say anything else.
Brennan glances at me for a split second before he turns his eyes back on the road. My stomach twists in knots, and I’m trying to figure out how badly I would actually get hurt if I were to throw myself out of the side of his Jeep when he speaks again. “I just wasn’t expecting it. Piper never joked. She was too busy planning world domination to bother with having a sense of humor.”
Piper strikes again. I really thought after our conversation last weekend at his house that he’d stop thinking of me as the old Piper and start seeing me as something—someone—else. Someone different. I guess it was a mistake assuming we were on the same page. My programming might make me a suitable replacement for Piper, but I can never be an exact replica. It just isn’t possible. I curl my arms around myself and stare at the scenery passing us by as we drive further and further from my neighborhood.
When Brennan pulls the car into an empty parking lot without a word, a sense of panic flashes through me. This is exactly the kind of spot where someone would stop to kick someone out of their car, leaving them abandoned on the side of the road. I pull my phone out of my bag and start frantically searching through the App Store for ride share apps.
But my fingers still when he starts unrolling the covering for the Jeep, closing me in as he works. My eyes follow his easy movements, tracing the lines of his body as he makes quick work of the top of the Jeep. When he climbs back in, he’s silent for a few seconds as he fiddles with the controls for the air conditioner. My stomach jumps when he takes a deep breath and opens his mouth. He pauses, like he’s really thinking about what he’s getting ready to say, before taking another deep breath.
“I know you’re not exactly Piper,” he says while finally turning his eyes in my direction. There’s something hidden in them that I don’t quite understand, but there’s sincerity in his voice when he continues. “It’s just that… I don’t know, it’s so hard to remember that when you look exactly like her.”
Of course, because that’s exactly my purpose. Reminding them of their dead friend.
The smile on my face is shaky at best when I turn my face up at him a few seconds later. “That’s okay, Brennan.” Even I don’t believe the hollow words.
“No, it’s not,” he grunts out as he turns the car around and eases back out onto the road. My stomach tightens in the best sort of way when I realize he covered the Jeep back up so we could actually talk, but I suffer from a moment of mental whiplash when he suddenly asks, “Shit. Do you even like water?”
I’m so surprised by the question, I only manage a “Huh?” in response. The scenery flashes by faster as we turn onto a familiar patch of highway. Stan’s house is this way—though now isn’t really the right time for me to be thinking about him, of all people.
“When I planned our date, I was thinking about how much Piper loved the water. I didn’t consider…” He didn’t consider me.
There’s sincere shame in his voice, the kind that makes my gut wrench because I know he was genuinely trying to be considerate. I take a deep breath before I answer, not wanting to say anything that might make things worse when things already feel so awkward. “I really like the idea of water, which I guess is probably programmed because of her. Mom won’t let me near a pool, because of what happened. But I’ve really wanted to go to the beach. I haven’t had anyone that’s been willing to take me.”
Some of the tension in his body melts away under my eyes, and he turns a wide smile toward me for the briefest of seconds. “So you’re cool with going to the beach?”
“That’s really what you were planning?” I ask, trying to keep my excitement in check. I mean, I don’t have a bathing suit... But I’m sure I can make do with what I have.
“Yeah,” he says, laughing through his smile. “I don’t think I realized how much of a gamble it was until you got in here making jokes. As much as you look like her, and as weird as it is that you act like her in some ways,—you’re really not all that much like her.”
I’ve sobered in a moment, the light-hearted feeling of moments ago completely wasted. “Is that such a bad thing?”
“No, no, no,” he rushes to defend, but my stomach churns and my heart pounds in my chest. “God, I can’t manage to say the right thing today, huh?” He tries for light-hearted, but it falls flat.
I shift uncomfortably in my seat as we fall back into an uncomfortable silence.
Finally, I can’t take the silence any longer. Raising my voice to be heard again, I tell him, “I can’t imagine what it’s like.” He glances over at me as I continue, “To wake up one day and have a dead girl back in your life. As if you could ever just forget losing her in the first place.”
“It’s harder on Jude and Tyler.” His voice is so low that I strain to hear the words. My hands clench around one-another until my knuckles are white and my bones ache. I want to agree with him about Tyler; he was truly my best friend, and he can barely look at me most days. But Jude... How hard can it really be to see me every day for that asshole? He takes what he wants, and he already got what he wanted from me.
“But not you?”
“It’s hard for me, too.” He gets quiet for a long moment “But they were closer to Piper than I was. So, I guess I’m dealing with it a little easier than they are.”
“It hasn’t always seemed that way,” I admit, remembering how often he got dragged into being mean to me alongside his friends.
He pulls a face, grimacing as he probably remembers the same things. “Loyalty is everything with those guys.” It’s not a good excuse for being an ass, but I understand nonetheless. Those are his friends and I was basic
ally a stranger. How mad can I really be at him for being loyal when it’s one of the traits I like most about him?
I reach over and touch his arm lightly, wanting to reassure him. “It’s okay, really. Let’s just focus on the present, yeah?” Maybe then I can be sure he’s thinking about me and not the Piper of days past. He nods, looking relieved at my suggestion. And this time when we fall into silence, it’s a comfortable one.
17
Piper
My spine straightens as Brennan pulls his Jeep up to the gates of Jude Alton’s beach house. He looks over and smiles sheepishly at me but doesn’t explain. I twist in both directions, looking for any sign of anyone else being here, as he leans over and enters the security code to open the gates. I’ve got plenty of Piper’s memories from this place. This beach house has hosted many a party, though none that I’ve been invited to myself.
“What are we doing here?” I ask, my voice heavy with dread as he pulls up the sloping driveway to park his car on the side of the house rather than in front of it.
He points wordlessly to the stairs leading down from the side of the house, and a rush of memories assault my mind as he moves toward the back of the Jeep. The beach at the bottom of the hillside the Alton’s house sits on isn’t exactly private, but the alcove that they share with the rest of the houses in their little patch of paradise isn’t easily accessible by land. If you’re not willing to huff it down the stairs behind the circle of houses, you’re not getting to it. It’s close to the beach where we host the bigger parties, but a little more off the beaten path, private enough that you’re not going to be easily disturbed.
“Are... are the rest of the guys coming?” I ask as Brennan comes back around to help me down out of his Jeep. He shakes his head as he drops my hand and goes around the back of the Jeep again.
“Are you sure?” I press as I follow.
“It’s just us. Promise.” He offers me a reassuring smile to one side of his mouth as he pulls out a bag and a cooler.
The early autumn breeze lifts the hem of my dress as we descend what feels like a never ending flight of stairs to the beach. Early evening sunlight beats down on my face, and I take a deep breath of the ocean tinged air. My eyes are hungry as they take in the sight of the blue water crashing over the shoreline. Deep down, something unsettled inside of me is finally put at ease, and I catch myself grinning despite my nerves.
I kick my shoes off as soon as we hit the bottom of the stairs, shoving my socks into my bag as I relish in the feel of the sand squishing between my toes. Brennan’s eyebrows shoot toward his hairline when I squeal, but I can’t possibly keep everything I’m feeling locked up inside of me. I dig my toes into the sand and push off, leaping toward the fire pit so I can ditch my bag—and not caring for a second that half of the contents go spilling out onto the sand.
I can hear Brennan laugh behind me as I rush toward the water lapping against the shore. The water tickles my toes, and it’s cooler than I thought it would be, but not so cold that I can’t stand it.
By the time Brennan joins me, I’ve waded in almost up to my knees. I glance over to see he’s traded his jeans for a pair of teal board shorts. I point an accusing finger at his shorts. “You should’ve told me to bring a swimsuit! It’s not fair that only one of us came prepared!”
“I always have a pair of board shorts on hand, but honestly, Pi, I didn’t expect you to actually get in the water. It’s supposed to be nice and clear tonight—I planned a bonfire and picnic. Maybe some stargazing. I didn’t anticipate chasing you halfway into the ocean,” he teases.
Something warms in my chest as I take in the easy way the nickname falls from his lips. He’s finally loosening up, a smile playing at the corners of his lips as I splash my way towards him, not even caring that I’m getting the hem of my dress wet.
I don’t overthink it, the moment when we connect. My arms loop around his neck as I press my lips to his. His touch is hesitant at first, his lips pressed firmly closed as his hands barely graze my hips. But I run my tongue along his bottom lip and it’s like we become one of the crashing waves ourselves. His arms wrap around my waist, pulling me tighter against his chest as his tongue dives into my mouth to greet mine.
My fingers tangle in his hair, and I’m distinctly aware that kissing Brennan is nothing like kissing Jude. The thought only lingers a moment before I lose myself to him and the way he kisses me with expert precision. When he does suddenly pull away, a soft moan floats off my lips, my eyes fluttering open to see him staring down at me with heated eyes.
I’m acutely aware that he’s sporting an erection right now, and I shift, rubbing harder against him like it’s second-nature. His grip on me loosens and then disappears as he jerks away from me. He turns away to face the beach.
“Brennan?” I reach out for him, but his shoulder stiffens under my touch and I jerk my hand back. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” he responds, but his voice is strangled, and I’m not sure I believe him. “I’m gonna go get the fire going.”
I nod, even though I know he can’t see it.
He splashes his way back to the shore alone as I watch from the water. I stay out a few minutes longer, but I’m restless now and the ocean no longer holds the same appeal as before. Did he not like our kiss? It’s the only thing replaying in my mind as I trudge up the bank back to where Brennan is now building a small fire. I sit on a piece of driftwood positioned to function as a bench and try to ignore the way he keeps sneaking glances at me as he works.
Wanting a distraction, I pop the lid on the cooler to get a peek at what’s inside. A covered bowl of what looks like cut fruit, cans of sparkling water, and a wrapped sandwich.
My fingers trace through the condensation gathering on the can, and I pause over the flavor. Piña Fraise. “I took a guess that they still would have made that one your favorite flavor,” Brennan explains, breaking the silence so unexpectedly that it startles me nearly right off my seat. I catch my balance and nod, refusing to look at him even as I hear him walk across the sand towards me.
“The fruit should be all of your favorites, too. I—” He hesitates. “I know you don’t really need to eat, but it still seemed rude to pack something for me and not for you.”
I’m speechless as I stare down at the bowl, trying to imagine why this guy who put so much effort into the ultimately unnecessary details doesn’t seem to want me to touch him. I force myself to glance up, surprised when I do that Brennan’s spread a blanket out over the sand for us to sit on. He’s staring at me expectantly, as if he wants me to join him but doesn’t know how to ask.
“Why don’t you want to have sex with me?” I blurt out.
It’s not something I meant to say, and clearly Brennan wasn’t expecting it, either. My cheeks heat as he turns his head, staring out into the distance as he inhales a long breath.
“I-I’m so sorry,” I stammer, knowing that now I’ve completely ruined any chance we had of reviving this date. No phoenix would rise from the ashes of this goddamn disaster.
I stand up and start towards my purse to gather my things, but Brennan catches my wrist in his hand. When I turn to peek at him from under my lashes, I can see the conflict raging behind his eyes. He tugs me closer, though not quite close enough for us to touch, and drops his grip. I stand there motionless, waiting for whatever is going to come next. Maybe he’ll berate me for being an idiot who clearly doesn’t have good first date etiquette.
“You had sex with Jude.”
I shift uncomfortably. “Just the one time,” I whisper.
“Do you have feelings for him?”
Is Brennan jealous? It’s unexpected, I’ll admit. I shake my head vehemently. “God, no. You know, it’s not so uncommon anymore that two people can have sex without any feelings involved. Casual sex is on the rise in Western culture.” Oh hell, I’m rambling.
“What about me?” he asks, his eyes flashing with some serious emotion. “Do you have feelings for me?”
>
My throat feels so clogged that all I can do is nod. Brennan, sweet Brennan. How could anyone not like him? He crosses the distance between us like it’s nothing, his hand curling around my neck as he stares intensely into my eyes for one long moment before his lips are covering mine.
He presses closer, nipping at my bottom lip until I give him the access to my mouth that he wants. Everything is so soft and warm with him and I feel like I’m falling.
No, wait—I’m actually falling. The two of us go tumbling back onto the blanket Brennan laid across the sand. He catches himself on one hand as he uses the other to keep me from hitting the sand too hard. I laugh nervously, the sound dying off quickly when I realize that he’s hard against me again.
He hovers over me for a moment, the question clear in his liquid gaze as his eyes roam over me laying half beneath him. I bite my lip and then smile up at him when he lets out a low groan. He settles his body over mine, nudging my legs apart so he can settle in between them as he kisses me into a frenzy all over again. Our tongues tangle as our hands touch every bit of each other that we’re able to reach.
This feels right. More right than anything else I’ve done since waking up—and I catch myself wishing it hadn’t taken quite so long to get here.
I gasp as Brennan grinds against me, my body arching up into him as I drag my nails down his back. He grunts as he works his lips along my jaw and then down my neck before settling at the juncture of my shoulder and neck. The skin is so sensitive there, and I gasp again as he gently nips my flesh. His fingers find their way up the outside of my thigh, tracing the smooth skin in patterns that my hazy brain can’t really follow. Soft. And sweet. But my body rages like a wildfire beneath him.
For one too-long moment, Brennan pulls away to reach for something. It takes a second for my brain to catch up as he holds up a condom packet and pins me with a questioning look. He’ll stop if I ask him to—but I have no intention of asking him to.