by Iris Murdoch
‘That’s it!’ said Rathbone. ‘We need him, you take him from us, we’ll come and get him!’
At that moment Peter, accompanied by Bellamy, was seen coming down the stairs. There was a confused cry of mingled grief and exaltation. Peter was carrying his overcoat, Bellamy was carrying Peter’s bag. Jonathan and Michael moved to the bottom of the stairs. The group surged forward then parted. Fonsett took hold of Peter’s arm as they moved onward. Emil and Kenneth were already barring the door. Jeremy joined them. Bellamy was following close after Peter, still in possession of the suitcase.
Jeremy said, ‘Wait please, don’t hurry so. Put down that suitcase, Bellamy. Why not at least wait till tomorrow? We want to be certain that Peter wants to go with you.’
‘Whether he wants to go with you ever at all!’ said Kenneth.
Fonsett said nothing, but turned toward Peter, releasing his arm.
Peter said to the guardians of the door, ‘Thank you, thank you with all my heart, but as I have explained to Bellamy, I do go willingly. And I agree with Ned that it is better to make this move quickly.’ He turned then so as to include the others who were standing round the doctor. ‘I apologise for this hasty departure. I wanted to talk to you all, but there has not been – enough time. We shall meet again. Thank you, dear Louise – dear good Louise – ’He hesitated here, as if trying to compose briefly what could only be said at length. He said, ‘You understand.’ Then, ‘My thanks to you all who have so kindly wished to rescue me – and – the children – do not cry, Moy, you and I know each other, and noble Sefton will do great things, and Harvey will get well, and Aleph – Aleph – yes – please forgive my stumbling words – and I see my old friends, Mrs Callow and Patsie, please do not grieve, my dears, I shall be back – and then there will be another party which will not end in tears. Now may I say, please stay and finish your dinner, please, for me, do that, please stay!’ Patsie was mopping her eyes with her apron and Mrs Callow was crying audibly. Peter paused, seeming to have finished. Then he turned suddenly toward Clement, who was standing a little apart from the group, near the drawing-room door. For an instant Clement and Peter gazed intently at each other. Peter said in a loud clear voice, ‘Look after your brother!’ Clement gave a soft exclamation like a sob.
Fonsett said, ‘Here is my card with the address of the clinic. Who shall I give it to?’ Jeremy Adwarden reached out for it. ‘Come on now, Peter, give them your blessing and let us be gone.’
Peter turning to Louise said, ‘Tell Aleph – ’ Then, as Fonsett was plucking his sleeve, he raised his hand with open palm and turned toward the door near which Jonathan and Michael had already placed themselves. Emil and Jeremy and Kenneth moved aside, the door opened, and Fonsett and Peter went out, followed by Bellamy. The bright outside light revealed the falling snow, the plain van, and Jonathan opening the doors at the back, while Michael climbed into the driver’s seat.
‘Here’s your suitcase,’ said Fonsett, taking the bag from Bellamy and thrusting it inside. He took charge of Peter’s overcoat and tossed it in.
Bellamy clutched at Peter, grasping his hand and his jacket. ‘Take me with you!’
‘No, my dear Bellamy, later, you will be with me later, not now.’
Bellamy said to Fonsett, ‘Let me come, he needs me, I am his secretary, he wants me to come with him.’
Fonsett said, ‘I don’t think he wants you, he has just said he doesn’t, anyway you can’t come, sorry.’
Bellamy continued to hold on to Peter. Peter said, ‘Bellamy, thank you.’ He kissed Bellamy on the cheek, then climbed into the back of the van followed by Fonsett. An iron bar in the shape of Jonathan’s arm thrust Bellamy back. Jonathan got into the van and closed the door. The van backed a little, its wheels hissing softly in the fallen snow, turned, and glided down the drive and out of the gates.
‘Come on in, Bellamy,’ said Clement, ‘unless you want to be a snowman.’
Clement stood in the doorway from which the others had moved away. Bellamy came in slowly. Clement dusted the snow off his friend’s jacket and out of his hair. He then piloted him down the hall and into the library, the scene of Fonsett’s incarceration. He shut the door, pushed Bellamy down onto a dark red club-style leather sofa, and sat down beside him. Moy was sitting on the stairs crying. Sefton, sitting with her, was holding and stroking Moy’s long plait. Louise, now joined by Connie, was crying on one of the sofas in the drawing-room. Moy, who had no handkerchief, had been wiping her eyes upon her arm until Sefton had produced a large male handkerchief from the pocket of her velvet jacket. Louise was sobbing into a daintier handkerchief which, now soaked, was taken in charge by Connie, who gave her an equally small hankie of her own: then, watching Louise’s sorrow, was unable to restrain her tears. Patsie and Mrs Callow, who had taken their grief back to the kitchen, were burying their faces in tea-towels.
Louise was thinking, it’s such a little time since we saw him from the window, out in the rain with his umbrella, and didn’t know who he was, and we were afraid of him, and in a way we’ve always been afraid of him, and then we were glad to know he was alive and Lucas had not killed him, and then he wanted to get to know us, and that was so odd, and he wanted to call us his family, and he said all these strange things about how Lucas was going to kill Clement and how he saved Clement’s life, and we didn’t believe him and we thought he might be a thief and then we thought he was ill and confused and I still don’t know what to think, and then he brought Anax back and that seemed like a miracle and a sign and we loved him for it and I asked him to make peace with Lucas and he said women always want to make peace, and he came to Moy’s birthday party and called Aleph princess Alethea and seemed like being in love with her and Clement was so much against him and said he wanted revenge and then he sent the girls those necklaces as if he wanted to buy them, and then Bellamy told us he’d had some sort of conversion and given up wanting revenge and become a good man, and now it seems he is a good man, and I wish I’d trusted him and believed him from the start, and good heavens what about Aleph, does he want to marry her, what does she think, and he is so rich, but really I couldn’t be with him when he was so against Lucas and I didn’t go to see Lucas, and I ought to have done and I will do, and I haven’t been with Lucas and he has been alone and I have been stupid and afraid to go to him, and I haven’t even looked after Harvey properly, though I do love him so much, and now he’s gone too, and now Clement and Joan are together and I’m sure Joan was his mistress once and I have not done what I ought to do and I have muddled everything and lost everything because I am a coward! The bitter tears poured from her eyes as she sobbed into the limp handkerchief with her wet mouth.
Meanwhile outside in the hall Jeremy, Emil, Kenneth, Cora and Joan were giving consideration to Peter’s suggestion that they should stay and finish their dinner. They drifted into the dining-room, which turned out to be occupied by Tessa who was wearing her overcoat and sitting alone at the head of the table drinking wine. When they appeared she got up. Jeremy said, ‘Don’t go.’ Joan said, ‘What’s your new career, private detective agency?’ Tessa replied, ‘As it happens I have a new career, I have decided to help mankind in a more practical and reliably successful way, I have become a medical student.’ ‘Well done you,’ said generous Cora. ‘But what about the Refuge?’ ‘It will be taken over by a woman called Pamela Horton who will be considerably more efficient than I was.’ ‘Stay and tell us more,’ said Jeremy, who had always liked Tessa. ‘No, I must go, goodnight.’ She left the dining-room and quickly sidled out of the front door, closing it quietly behind her. ‘She has guilt feelings,’ said Emil. ‘If so they are unnecessary,’ said Jeremy. ‘Peter’s capers would have been found out anyway. I like his pretending to be a psychoanalyst! And of course that knife – that was why the police said he was carrying an offensive weapon!’ ‘How will Tessa get away?’ said Cora. ‘Didn’t she come in the van?’ ‘How thoughtless of us,’ said Jeremy. He ran and opened the door. The snow w
as falling thickly, silently, like a curtain close before his face. Tessa had vanished. He returned. ‘She will survive,’ said Emil. Mrs Callow appeared at the door and said, ‘Would you like bread-and-butter pudding or cheese?’ Cora and Joan said bread-and-butter pudding and cheese, the others said cheese only and Jeremy asked her to bring in two more bottles of Beaujolais Nouveau. They settled down together. A few minutes later Connie came in and joined them, saying that Louise was feeling better and had gone into the kitchen to help with the washing up. Jeremy said ‘Typical!’, adding, ‘Bless her!’
Moy too had recovered a little and gone off in search of a lavatory and somewhere to wash her face. Sefton, left alone, went into the empty drawing-room where the chairs, facing all directions, were occupying the middle of the room. Following her instinctive desire to create order out of disorder she put the chairs back in their places, including the ones which had come in out of the hall. Returning to the drawing-room she saw the green umbrella upon the table where she herself had put it. She stared at it, then she picked it up, she examined the handle, then she undid the catch and drew out the long knife. Tilting it toward the light she read the inscription again, cautiously she tried the sharpness of the blade, then she shuddered and slid it back into its place, and put the innocent-looking umbrella back upon the table. As she moved away to leave the brightly lit room she saw something lying on the floor. It was Peter’s green cravat which he had taken off and held dangling in his hand. She picked it up and then automatically put it into the pocket of her jacket. She felt suddenly very tired and overwhelmed by grief. She thought something awful has happened today, it has happened to Lucas, no it has happened to Peter. It is a nightmare, no it is a catastrophe. Oh what suffering there is. I feel so tired, I want so much to go home and to sleep. As she reached the door she met Louise.
‘Where’s Harvey?’
‘I don’t know,’ said Sefton, ‘he isn’t in here, didn’t he stay out in the hall?’
‘But where is he now? He can’t have gone home by himself.’
‘Perhaps he’s upstairs, he may have gone to lie down.’
‘No, I’ve looked everywhere, so has Patsie, we can’t find him, he must have gone out into the snow!’
‘Keep calm, Louie,’ said Sefton, ‘we’ll find him!’
They emerged. Moy appeared, now on her way to offer her services in the kitchen. Sefton called, ‘Moy, have you seen Harvey?’
Moy came across to them. ‘Yes, he’s asleep, I’ll show him to you.’
They followed her down the long hall. The little door of the sedan-chair had been pulled to. Moy gently opened it, revealing Harvey as near to being curled into a ball as it is possible for a human to be. His eyes were closed, he was breathing quietly, his fair glossy curly hair had spread itself out upon the cushions like a halo, one hand, extended towards his chin, held a strand of hair, straightening it out. His face was benign and calm. ‘Well, thank heavens he’s all right!’ said Louise. ‘We won’t wake him just yet. You children must be taken home. I’m going to stay with Mrs Callow, she is very upset and there’s still a lot to do.’
In the dimly lit (for Clement had turned out most of the lamps) library, sitting upon the dark red leather sofa, Clement and Bellamy had been having a long serious conversation.
‘Bellamy, you keep calling him an angel and saying he has rescued your life, but you also say you are broken, finished, plunged in eternal darkness and so on – what would he say if he were here, wouldn’t he chide you?’
‘But he is not here, and I shall never see him again.’
‘Of course you will, he’s in a hospital in London, Jeremy has the address, I’ll get it from him! You just seem to have folded up the future.’
‘It is folded up.’
‘Well, he did talk about the heavens being rolled up like a scroll, but that was for the end of the world!’
‘It is the end of the world. My world. I’m sorry to be so stupid and awful. You are being very kind to me. Why don’t you go away, go back to your flat.’
‘And what will you do, stay here!’
‘No. I can’t stay here. I shall never come here again. I just don’t want to bother you, I don’t want to bother anyone.’
‘My dear, going on like this you will succeed in bothering everyone! Look, come home and stay with me, and don’t just stay tonight, stay as long as you like, and – ’
‘He is an angel, I saw him on that night, you know, when he was changed – ’
‘Yes – ’
‘He is an avatar – ’
‘Yes, yes – ’
‘I wanted him to teach me, to enlighten me, I wanted to be with him forever, for all of my life, and now the powers of darkness have carried him off – ’
‘My dear creature, you are drunk, that is what you are, drunk! Now please let me carry you off!’
‘Dear Clement, you are making jokes and trying to cheer me up. Yes, I am drunk, but I am also perfectly rational. I am in mourning for what I have lost. Peter told me this evening that he was going to use his money to set up a great good foundation and he said I was to be his secretary and live with him in this house.’
‘Oh really, did he say that? But in the future, why not? It may be quite soon – ’
‘It’s not just being his secretary and living here and helping him – I saw a path with a light shining on it, I saw everything I’ve been looking for – wanting to be in that monastery was a false way – then suddenly at last I found my way – wanting to have goodness is not enough, it’s work, finding the way is part of the work, I felt I had come home.’
‘Good, then you are home! All this despair is just false, it’s a show, you refuse to admit you’ll see him again and you’re banking everything on that, but even if you didn’t see him again, wouldn’t you still be on the way?’
‘No – it was all too brief, I couldn’t sustain it without him. Without him I shall sink back into being the useless whining self-deceiving empty person that I know I really am – all those letters I wrote to that monk, they were all daydreams and romance – ’
‘Oh all right, let’s try the other tack, there’s every possible reason why you will see him again, he’s not ill, he’s just going to rest, he’ll be back here in a few weeks, anyhow he can discharge himself whenever he likes, Jeremy can help him if necessary, he hasn’t been abducted!’
‘I had a glimpse, then the door was closed again. Those men will destroy him. I have lost the one I love.’
The door opened and Louise looked in. ‘Sorry to disturb you, Clement, I wonder if you would mind driving the children home? I’m staying here a bit longer to help clear up.’
Clement rose. ‘Yes, of course, I’m just going to take Bellamy home with me, I’ll take the children too, there’s room for all of us in my car.’
Bellamy got up. ‘I can’t stay with you, I must go back to my room, I must be alone there, I shall take a taxi. Where is the telephone?’
‘Oh all right, I’ll drive you back to that hell-hole.’
They came out into the hall. The inhabitants of the dining-room were emerging too. Moy and Sefton were waking Harvey up. Sefton was shaking him gently, plucking at his shirt, even pulling his hair, while Moy repeated his name at intervals, a little louder each time. Harvey awoke. He showed no surprise but smiled sleepily at the girls. Unfolding himself he said, ‘Oh is it time to go? I’ve had such a happy dream!’ Emil marched over to Bellamy, ‘Come along, Bellamy, you are coming home with me in my car.’ Clement said, ‘He insists on going back to his own place and I’m driving him.’ Bellamy murmured ‘Sorry,’ as Clement, gripping his arm, propelled him along. Louise assembled the children, Cora said she was taking Joan. Jeremy Adwarden, after liberally tipping Mrs Callow and Patsie, collected Connie, who was carrying glasses into the kitchen, and also Kenneth who had no car having arrived by taxi. They all found their coats. Clement opened the front door.
The snow had ceased falling. The light above the door, and the dista
nt street lamps shining through the trees, showed the sparkling cold pathway of the drive where the marks made by the van had already been sifted over, the sugary laden branches of conifers, the windless silence. No one, it now appeared, had been bold enough to park in the drive, which was now being patterned by reverential footprints. Clement left first with Bellamy and the children, then Cora with Joan, then Jeremy with Connie and Kenneth. Louise, who with Patsie was still dealing with the chaos of the dining table, said she would get a taxi home later on. Meanwhile, however, Emil had persuaded Mrs Callow that they should ‘Leave the rest until tomorrow.’ Mrs Callow agreed, saying tearfully, ‘Well, he won’t be there, will he!’ No, they didn’t want a lift, she had her car in the garage and they would lock up and turn on the burglar alarm. Louise left with Emil, walking in silence over the trampled snow and along the road to Emil’s car. When, turning round, they drove past the house, it was already dark.
As the big Mercedes sizzled quietly through the empty well-lighted streets over the frosty snow Louise began to cry again. Emil, glancing at her, said after a while, ‘What is it, my dear? You are so sad about that man?’
‘Yes. It’s partly shock. Forgive me.’
‘Oh Louise, Louise – weep on, it is to be envied in you women, I wish I could weep.’
‘Emil, I am so sorry about – ’
‘Yes, yes. But now you. Is he then a good man?’
‘Yes, I think so. But it’s all so complicated – ’
‘And Lucas? Have they met, are they friends? What is it with that? And why did he say to Clement to look after his brother?’
Louise thought, of course Emil doesn’t know about it. But what is it? Would it soon begin to seem like a dream – it had somehow the qualities of a dream, where incompatible things seem true. She said, ‘Emil, I don’t know. You had better ask Bellamy.’