by Iris Murdoch
‘This is our work! All right, I know what you mean, we will work, I shall work far far better, my foot will heal – ’
‘Let me look at your foot.’
Harvey displayed it. Sefton took it gently in her hands and massaged it, then stroked it as if it were an animal. ‘Sef, it’s better already. You know, Peter did that for it on that night, when he was taken away.’
‘Perhaps he’ll do it again.’
‘And you’ll do it again. Suddenly anything is possible. We’ll leap over all the obstacles.’
‘And we’ll tell each other the truth.’
‘Oh Sefton, we’re here, we’ve arrived, this is it – trip no further, pretty sweeting – I’m so happy, I’m crazy with happiness, the world is brilliant, it’s shining – ’
‘Do get dressed, my darling, I want you dressed.’
‘We are transformed, we are blazing with light, I tremble before you.’
‘I tremble too.’
‘Yes, I’ll get dressed. We are made for each other, no one else will do.’
‘About obstacles, we shall have to think, we shall have to be careful.’
‘Sefton, we shall be married, we shall be together.’
‘We must tell the others.’
‘What others?’
‘Your mother, my mother, my sisters, Clement, Bellamy – ’
‘But why “careful”? I don’t like that “careful”.’
‘Harvey, we’ve got to think what to say, how to say it, in what order, in what words, they’ll be amazed, they’ll be shocked, they may be upset, they may be angry – ’
‘Oh to hell with them. We’ll just announce it!’
‘For instance, what about Aleph?’
‘How do you mean, what about Aleph?’
‘People have expected you to marry her, perhaps they still do. Perhaps she expects it. You love her.’
‘Oh Sefton! I love her as a sister! We understand each other, we’ve known each other forever. We know that that is impossible between us!’
‘Yes, but your understanding with her may envisage your marrying someone else, but not your marrying me.’
‘So you will reject me to please Aleph!’
‘Don’t tease me.’
‘I’m not teasing you.’
‘I’m sorry, forgive me – ’
‘I forgive you. I love you.’
‘I love you. Oh Harvey, I feel so strange, so wonderful, so devastated – now I’m going to cry, and after that I shall go home, I must be alone for a while.’
Sefton, at home in her little room, did not lie down on the red and blue carpet, but knelt beside her bed burying her face as if in prayer, then slipping sideways huddled with her arms about her knees. She had taken off her skirt and put on her old corduroy trousers. She was listening to a voice, a much loved voice, a voice of authority, which said: simplify your life, travel light, do not become involved with family problems, possessions, or the troubles of others, do not marry, marriage ends truthfulness, live with solitude, solitude is essential if real thinking is to take place. She thought, he will never forgive me, he will despise me and cast me out, he warned me against the ambiguous Eros, the deceiver, the magician, the sophist, the maker of drugs and poisons. Of course I am in love, yes, this is love, and I am sick with it – but what follows? Do I really believe that I shall give over my life, the whole of my life, which is only just now really beginning to another person? Shall I cease forever to be the cat that walks by herself by her wild lone? What has happened to my soldierly completeness with which I was so content, my satisfaction and my pride? At the first trial I am broken. Something terrible has happened to me, something which I never thought of as ever concerning me, I am a different person, I feel that difference in every atom of my captured and invaded body. I am distracted from myself. I am losing myself, I am in a state of warfare, of confusions and compromises and base dissension and deceit. I must not become this other person, this cowardly overthrown defeated person. By what act have I betrayed myself? There was an invasion and a pain. What I felt then was his exaltation, his joy, and my love for him leaping over all obstacles. Can this be right and true, the truth of a life, of my life? Oh I am so confused, I want my solitude. And what of Aleph, how does she stand, my dear sister whom I have loved forever with such an innocent and guileless love? How can I gauge Aleph’s mind? Is it possible that she sees Harvey as her property, something kept all this long time in store, waiting for the grown-up moment which may be now so nearly ripe? Could she not indeed at any time reach out her hand and take Harvey from me? Or else, this changeless step which we two have taken, which must destroy the happy childish harmony in which we have all lived so long, could it not also ruin Aleph’s life – and in ruining hers, ruin ours! I have never had such terrible deep thoughts – and must I now forever live with such thoughts? Perhaps poor Harvey simply wanted sex, and lacking Aleph took me up instead, a substitute, a sort of puppet, instead of Aleph, even perhaps to spite her, not really loving me at all. What do I know of Aleph’s thoughts, of that long long conversation between her and Harvey, from which I have been excluded? I must stop this thing, I must not go back to Harvey, I must tell him that I cannot come to him, that I must draw back, that we must be apart forever. What an agony, what a tearing pain, what horrible and evil thoughts darken my mind – oh why did this awful thing have to happen, my peace and my innocence are gone from me forever.
She thought, I’ll write a letter to him now, and deliver it at once. I won’t see him, I’ll just drop it in. Then I shall feel free. She wrote.
Dearest Harvey,
Please forgive me, I cannot proceed, I cannot go on with what has happened to us. It is wrong for me, I cannot commit myself to anything so absolute – and anything less than absolute is not what is in question. I must return to my freedom which I now realise is something so essential that it makes my love for you seem like death. I am so very sorry. Also I am extremely disturbed about Aleph. You must think deeply about her, about her feelings, about your very long and deep friendship with her. For this, you too must be free. We acted hastily, carried away we have assumed too much. We must step back from each other, we are too young. We must regard what happened as a beautiful episode – it need not be a secret from Aleph – I leave that to you. Of course we shall see each other, and so on, almost as before. Please understand, dear dear Harvey. I love you. But what I say now is wise and right, and I hope you will respect it. Oh my dear – forgive me, in all this I want your happiness – I am so very sorry –
She quickly sealed the letter and ran out of the house. Already it was getting dark. How had the day gone so quickly?
Louise, coming down the stairs, saw Sefton returning.
‘Oh Sefton, there you are, where have you been?’
‘Just delivering something.’
‘Are you all right, you look a bit flushed.’
‘I’m all right, Louie.’
‘How do you feel? I hope it’s not that ‘flu that’s going round. Have you got a temperature?’
‘Of course not. I feel fine.’
‘I was going to ask you, have you had a card from Aleph, lately I mean?’
‘Not lately, no.’
‘I haven’t heard for several days. Did she tell you when they were coming back?’
‘I can’t remember her saying anything definite.’
‘I keep thinking they may have had a car crash. Rosemary drives so fast.’
‘Of course they haven’t had a car crash.’
‘I tried to ring Connie yesterday but there was no reply.’
‘I expect they’re in Yorkshire.’
‘I can’t find our telephone number book, and they’re ex-directory. Where is that book, can Aleph have taken it away with her? Can you remember the Yorkshire number?’
‘No.’
‘It’s yards long. Oh dear. Would you like some tea?’
‘No thanks.’
‘I suppose you’ve had some lunch?
’
‘No, I mean yes.’
‘Sefton, come into the kitchen, you are over-tired, you are working too much. You must have some tea.’
Sefton followed her mother into the kitchen and sat down.
‘I hope those girls are all right. I think Connie is cross with us.’
‘Why?’
‘For involving her and Jeremy in that extraordinary evening with Peter Mir.’
‘I thought she was enjoying every moment of it.’
‘I do hope he’ll get out soon. I think he does us good.’
‘By being religious – or giving us jewels?’
‘Fancy his giving Aleph that diamond necklace.’
‘He’s a millionaire, he gives them to all the girls.’
‘Here is your tea. Would you like some cake or a biscuit?’
‘No, thanks.’
‘I’ll try the clinic again tomorrow. Sorry, I feel terribly restless.’
‘Give Clement a ring.’
‘I don’t think he’s there. He – oh never mind.’
‘Well, Bellamy then, I suppose he’s still with Emil.’
‘He talks so on the telephone.’
The telephone rang and Louise ran out. She returned. ‘It’s Harvey, he wants you.’
Sefton went out, closing the door behind her. She could be heard making laconic answers. She returned.
‘I suppose he wants to know if Aleph is back.’
‘Yes. Louie, thanks for the tea, I think I’ll go and get on with my work.’
‘Do stay with me a little longer, can’t your work wait, stay here and relax. I think I’ll call the Adwardens’ London number again, or I suppose I could try Jeremy’s office, I know that number is in the telephone directory.’
‘You could ring Cora for the Yorkshire number.’
‘I don’t want to bother Cora.’
‘Oh don’t fret so, Louie! Aleph will turn up soon, and she’ll be cross if you’ve been fussing everyone else!’
‘I think I’ll just try Connie again.’
Louise went into the hall and dialled the number. She heard Connie’s voice.
‘Oh Connie, I’m so glad you’re there, I’ve been trying to ring you.’
‘I just dashed to Paris for the exhibition, just got back, I’m exhausted! How are you?’
‘All right, I’m just thinking about Aleph and Rosemary.’
‘Yes, such a wonderful tour!’
‘Quite a long one.’
‘Rosemary always wants to see everything. She’ll drive a hundred miles to see some crumbling castle, especially if Mary Queen of Scots or someone was imprisoned there!’
‘You relieve my mind – ’
‘How’s our recent host, Peter Mir, are they keeping him inside?’
‘For the present I think, he’ll be out soon. So do you know when they’ll be back?’
‘When who’ll be back?’
‘Aleph and Rosemary.’
‘Well, Rosemary’s back, or rather she isn’t, she’s in Paris, or she was, and Aleph’s with you.’
‘No she isn’t, she hasn’t come, we haven’t heard from her – ’
‘Rosemary took her to your place before coming on to us.’
‘What? No, she didn’t, I’ve said, she hasn’t come back, she isn’t here – you say Rosemary’s back from their tour – ?’
‘Yes, she came back a couple of days ago, she told us all their adventures!’
‘But Aleph isn’t with you – ’
‘No, I keep saying, Rosemary took her to your place, I’ve no idea where she is!’
‘Did you see her with Rosemary?’
‘No, of course I didn’t, Rosemary had already delivered her to you!’
‘But she hasn’t, she didn’t, Aleph isn’t here, she hasn’t come back, we don’t know where she is! Look, could I talk to Rosemary, have you got her number in Paris?’
‘Well, I’m afraid she’s left by now, she said she was going on to Chartres, I don’t know where she’s staying – or whether she actually went to Chartres, she’s so vague! She said she’d be back in England on Thursday or Friday – ’
‘Connie, please could you tell Rosemary to ring me – and do please could you ring me if you hear anything?’
‘Are you worrying about Aleph?’
‘Yes!’
‘Well, you’re more likely to hear something than I am – but what are you worrying about? She’s probably gone on somewhere else with some friend. She is grown up, you know.’
‘Yes – of course – anyway – thanks, goodbye.’
Louise returned to the kitchen. Sefton said, ‘Well – ?’
‘Connie says Rosemary came back two days ago, and said she’d brought Aleph back here. Rosemary’s somewhere in France now. Connie says Aleph has probably just gone on somewhere else with a friend.’
‘How could she – ? Louie, please – ’
‘Aleph wouldn’t do that. So it means something must have happened to her. Oh Sefton, what can have happened – she has had an accident, she has been attacked – ’
‘We’d have heard. Look, do ring Clement again.’
Louise rang Clement’s number, again no reply. She said, ‘Where’s Moy?’
‘Upstairs, I’ll get her.’
Moy could not offer any clues. No, she had heard nothing from Aleph, and Aleph hadn’t said anything.
The doorbell rang. Moy ran to the door and admitted Harvey. Sitting in the kitchen, Harvey too was questioned, but could provide nothing but exclamations of distress. Moy went back upstairs. Louise was telephoning Emil’s flat and speaking first to Emil and then to Bellamy.
Harvey and Sefton sitting side by side spoke in low voices. ‘How can you have written me such a letter! We have only just found each other!’ ‘Where’s Aleph, do you know?’ ‘Of course I don’t know! Are you mad?’ ‘Harvey, I do mean it about leaving me alone, I’ve got to be alone. And now this awful thing about Aleph.’ ‘You care about Aleph more than you care about me.’ ‘Harvey, I want you to think about Aleph, to think about what she means to you – and to me. We can’t just – ’ ‘You want to sell me to Aleph, you want to make her a pretext for dropping me, you think it was all an illusion, you are causing me terrible pain.’ ‘I’m in pain too, I want you to have some ordinary time with Aleph – ’ ‘What can be ordinary now?’ ‘I want you to be with her, she may simply be waiting for you, just wait and think, anyway we are far too young, we have been too hasty, I don’t want us to do any more, God, don’t you understand?’ ‘No, I don’t. Do you want me to propose to Aleph and if she turns me down, try you?’ ‘This is a horrible conversation, I’m sorry, it’s all my fault, I oughtn’t to – do please just stay away, only forgive me and don’t be angry with me, I can’t bear it.’ ‘Sefton, you are sending me to hell.’ ‘Don’t you care about Aleph?’ ‘Look, I’m in love with you! Perhaps she’s gone to Peter Mir. People can do mad things.’
Louise returned. ‘Bellamy and Emil can’t help.’
Sefton said, ‘Harvey thinks she may have gone to Peter Mir, he seemed to be in love with her.’
‘He may have told her to go to some place,’ said Harvey, ‘and he’d join her there. Of course he’s a bit mad.’
‘He gave her a diamond necklace,’ said Sefton.
‘Did he?’ said Harvey.
‘Do you think I should telephone the clinic?’ said Louise.
‘No,’ said Sefton, ‘Harvey is talking nonsense.’
‘I don’t think it’s nonsense, I’m going to telephone them.’ She went back into the hall. Moy had returned and was sitting on the stairs.
Sefton moved away from Harvey where they had been sitting shoulder to shoulder and where she had resisted his hand. She stood up. ‘How mad all this is. We are all mad now. It had to happen. Aleph has gone away to other friends, like Connie said, she’s just fed up with living here and being watched all the time.’
Louise stood in the doorway. ‘They wouldn’t tell me anything. They
said they never discussed patients by telephone. Oh dear, what can we do, we must do something!’
Harvey said, ‘Perhaps she’s with Clement. That seems likely, after all – ’
‘After all what?’ said Sefton.
‘Clement isn’t there,’ said Louise. ‘I’m going to call the police.’
‘Oh no, Louie!’
Sefton followed Louise into the hall and sat down beside Moy on the stairs. Moy was trembling. Sefton put an arm round her.
Louise rang the police who listened politely, said they had had no report of any relevant accident or assault, yes, they were noting the telephone number.
Harvey came out of the kitchen. Moy was now retreating up the stairs. Harvey said to Sefton in a low voice, ‘I’m going. Walk along the road with me. Please.’ And to Louise, ‘I must be off now.’
‘Oh Harvey, won’t you stay to supper? It is nearly supper-time, isn’t it, I’m so confused – ’
‘I’m so sorry, I must go.’
‘How will you get home? Shall I ring for a taxi?’
‘No thanks. I’ll walk. I’ll find a taxi.’
‘I’ll walk with you,’ said Louise, ‘just a little way. Sefton will look after the telephone. Come on, where’s your coat, where’s mine? It’s terribly cold out and now it’s foggy too.’
The door opened and the cold brown atoms of the fog rushed into the house. Sefton gave a soft plaintive cry like a bird’s cry. Harvey went out through the door followed by Louise. Huddled in their overcoats they gasped, inhaling the thick bitter air and stepping cautiously upon the frosty pavements. Louise put her arm through Harvey’s. ‘Harvey, you know you are one of the family. We all love you very much. I wish you would make your home with us. Don’t worry, dear dear, Harvey. I’m sure Aleph will turn up tomorrow and explain everything.’
‘I hope you won’t worry too much,’ said Harvey. ‘She’ll be all right, she can look after herself.’
‘Yes, of course, you are wise, you understand her so well, probably much better than I do, you have both been so close. What made you think she might be with Clement?’
‘Oh, not for any special reason. He’s one of the family after all.’