Listen With Your Heart

by Max Hudson

  Again, he hung up before I could really add anything. I wanted to ask if he found the mole or not. I sighed.

  I crept back into Nate’s bedroom and got back into bed. I saw his eye crack open but I just shook my head and wormed my way back into his arms. I tried to stay awake for as long as I could to soak up as much warmth as I could, listen to his breath, and breath him in deep because three and a half months was not enough time. Not enough time at all.

  ***

  The rest of September was a lot of figuring out exactly what we were to each other.

  Over coffee one morning, while Nate was misting a large frond plant that came up to his waist, I waved to get his attention. “What do you want to call this?”

  “I call this a Fiddle Leaf Fig,” he said while gently pruning a dying leaf. “But if you have name suggestions, I’m all ears. Or well. I’m all eyes.”

  “Not the plant I meant us,” I explained as I rolled my own eyes at his dumb joke.

  “You want to have this conversation now?” He asked, setting the mister down.

  “Yeah I think I do,” I said. I was nervous, but I was always nervous.

  He stood across from me and looked at me. “I don’t know about you but, I want to be your boyfriend. It doesn’t feel like anything less than that.”

  “I agree,” I breathed out clutching the coffee cup in my hands tight enough where it wouldn’t spill anything with how hard I was shaking.

  “So that’s settled.” He abruptly turned around, picked his mister back up, and went right back to what he was doing.

  I walked over to him and stood behind his plant. “That’s it?”

  He raised an eyebrow. “We both agreed?”

  “I guess so.”

  “Were you hoping for more?”

  “Maybe?” I wasn't sure what I was hoping for.

  He leaned in close so his lips were near my ear leaving hot breaths against my cheek. “I have about fourteen more plants to water. Once that’s done, I’ll show you just how serious I am about being your boyfriend.”

  He leaned back and went back to his task leaving me a shaking mess, ready for his touch. “God damn,” I whispered to myself.

  ***

  For October, we were invited to a party at Crabapple Records. A costume party. I went as the phantom of the opera. Besides the half-mask I wore, my black hair I’d always dyed was almost all the way grown out to my natural light blonde. I wasn’t even recognizable to myself anymore. I had gotten so used to the dark hair and the dark clothing. I joked that I should go as Lane Daughtry to the party but Nate shot that down quickly.

  Nate was going as the lowest effort scarecrow ever. He shoved some straw in the pocket of a flannel he would have worn anyway and wore jeans and boots again like always. The only real difference were the bright red circles he had painted on his cheeks by Bunny who “refused to let him embarrass her” at the costume party.

  It was dark and the music was loud so it was hard for me to hear him and hard for him to see my lips. Bunny breezed by us once or twice to put drinks in our hands. Her witch costume being right on the line of sexy and sophisticated.

  There were a lot of people at the party. There were probably some of the top executives of the music world here, people I’d probably met before. But no one knew me. But that was slowly becoming something normal to me. I hadn’t been recognized since Ms. Maze saw right through me. It was just another thing I was going to miss; walking through the streets by myself or with Nate not even worrying about being stopped.

  Without words, I pulled Nate to the dance floor. It was dance music so the bass was strong and the beat shook every part of me. I knew Nate could feel all of it. I tried to put myself in his shoes and listen to the music with my body. I had gotten better at it the more I listened to music with Nate his way. I took his hands and began to dance to the upbeat music.

  He seemed to understand what I wanted and began to mirror me. I moved back and he followed me. I leaned into him and he leaned back. I twisted and moved like I had been taught using the vibrations as my guide. Sometimes Nate would follow me, but sometimes he just stood and watched me move. I felt the eyes follow my form as we danced at the edge of everyone else. If they were paying attention to us, they might wonder why the man dressed as the phantom seemed to be very skilled in dance for a friend of a friend. But everyone else was caught up like we were in moving with each other.

  I did a spin and fell into Nate’s arms. There was nowhere else I wanted to be.

  ***

  November was very cold and Nate started driving me to my dance practices and vocal warm-ups with the car he stored all Summer. He had to take extra steps to make sure we weren’t seen together.

  The practices wore me out. I didn’t ever stop singing, but I had to get used to the sheer amount of it that touring required of me. I spent many long days practicing not getting to see Nate until very late in the evening but by then I was too tired to do anything but fall asleep in his arms. We started eating take out a lot more because I didn’t have time to cook and Nate was right; he was impossible to teach.

  “They really work you hard,” Nate murmured as we snuggled together on his couch under a warm fleece blanket.

  “It’s hard work putting on a show,” I explained sleepily.

  “I can’t wait to see your show.” He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to my forehead.

  “You’re getting backstage passes,” I promised.

  I’d see him at the Christmas show, and then I’d have to say goodbye. I leaned into him and nuzzled my nose into his firm side. I thought I heard the word “stay” like the beat of his heart, but I must have imagined it.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Nate

  “Are you nervous about the concert?” I asked as we took one of the shelter dogs on a walk around the city. It was a golden retriever with anxiety issues named Star. We had slowly gotten her used to strangers and she could be walked down the busy sidewalk, tail-wagging. She looked incredibly adorable today in her snow boots so she could weather the early December snow lining all of Seattle like frosting.

  “It’s nothing I haven’t done before.”

  “I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to Just Lane.”

  He blushed. “You see through me too easily.”

  “I know my boyfriend. The other version of you isn’t my boyfriend.”

  “Well I’m,” he put emphasis on the word. “A little nervous yeah. There’s been a lot of speculation online about me. What with the blurry picture from months ago and the signed poster.”

  “The what?” I asked.

  He looked panicked for a moment before he schooled his expression. “I ran into a fan and I signed a poster for them so they wouldn’t cause a scene.”

  “Lane Daughtry doesn’t sign autographs.”

  “I know.” He screwed his eyes shut. “My manager keeps reminding me about that.”

  “Why’d you do it?”

  He opened his eyes and looked at me with the kind of softness he usually saved for when we were home alone. “I guess I just got used to being this Lane.”

  “I like this Lane,” I murmured and leaned down to press a kiss into the side of his mouth.

  Star pulled on the leash wanting to smell an interesting grate. We both giggled as we let Star lead us forward.

  “But what I was trying to say,” continued Lane. “Was that fans have a lot of questions they aren’t going to get answers to. I’ve been looking through all of my social media accounts. People think there’s going to be some kind of giant revelation I’m going to announce to the crowd at the Christmas concert. It’s good for ticket sales but I don’t have anything. Maybe they’ll be disappointed. Maybe they’ll be glad I haven’t actually changed. It’s a lot of maybes.”

  “Your fanbase is one of the most dedicated I’ve ever seen. I think they’ll follow you through no matter what.”

  “I wish I could have you next to me every time I had to perform. I always get so
nervous but you always know what to say.”

  “Just remember that I’ll be just off stage waiting to kiss you between sets,” I promised. The backstage pass was resting on my bedside table next to the plant he gifted me all those months ago.

  “What about after.”

  My smile faltered a little. He was being serious now. “What about after?”

  “What are we going to do when I have to be gone for months at a time?”

  “Seattle is still your home Lane. You have to record here so you’ll be back to make album number four. For everything else, we can do long distance.”

  “I don’t have a lot of time on the road.”

  “Will you make time for me?” I asked.

  “I don’t know if I’d be able to stand being apart for that long.”

  “In between concerts just pop on your private jet and visit me,” I said easily.

  “Ah yes. My private jet I definitely own.”

  We laughed it off and talked about how good Star was doing today. We held gloved hands and I admit, I worried a little. There was always a chance this wouldn’t work long distance. I didn’t know how either of us would handle waiting for the other and being worlds apart.

  ***

  After a very stimulating workout I checked my phone to see it blowing up. It was hundreds of texts and missed calls all from Bunny. I didn’t know where to start with it all so I just video called her so she could explain. It sounded serious and I was on edge waiting for her to pick up.

  “Nate have you been online today?”

  “No?” I had woken up early, untangled from Lane, leaving him with a kiss on the forehead, and headed straight for the gym.

  “You’re all over trending just everywhere.”

  “What?”

  “There’s a picture going around of you and Lane kissing while you’re walking a dog or something. Everyone is talking about it.”

  I froze, picturing that day perfectly. After months of walking around the city together undetected, someone had finally seen us.

  “Is this going to be bad?” I asked.

  “He has PR people and I can find someone to help you manage yours.”

  “I need PR?”

  “Hey Nate, that’s the reality of dating someone famous.”

  I had no experience in stuff like this, but if it were for Lane I could do it. We hadn’t planned on the world finding out about us, but now that it had… would it really be that bad? Hiding the relationship forever was never going to work. Now his fans could stop speculating so much so, one of Lane’s stressors was eliminated.

  “Nate?” I hadn’t noticed how many times she had repeated my name.

  “Sorry Bun I was just thinking. I’ll have to be a bit more careful on the way home. But thanks for letting me know.”

  “How are you feeling?”

  “Honestly Bunny? I feel good.” It felt good also to say it out loud. “I never wanted to be shy about kissing my boyfriend on the street. Now we don’t have to hide anything anymore.”

  “What a healthy outlook Nate,” she complimented me. “I thought you’d start freaking out.”

  I shrugged. “I like him a lot Bunny.”

  “You should probably call him and let him know if his managers haven’t already.”

  “I will, bye Bun.”

  “Bye Nate.”

  I hung up and immediately dialed Lane. After waiting, the phone announced via text on the screen, that I could leave a message if I wanted. Was he still asleep? I planned on heading home immediately but I quickly received a call back from Lane. Weirdly it wasn’t a video call. I preferred them since my speech to text software wasn’t always completely accurate but I picked up the call anyway.

  “Lane?” I asked.

  My speech to text software spit out something unreadable.

  “Lane?” I said again, more worry in my voice.

  “Come in please,” the text read.

  “What?”

  “About time you told me where you were Lane.” Another text popped in soon after.

  “Sorry Mr. Smart but I saw the news and I just wanted to say—”

  “No. No excuses.”

  He must have called me on accident. I should’ve hung up, but I wanted to make sure his manager was being civil. Lane told me he was sort of terrified of him.

  “Lane you are tearing everything we made together apart.”

  I winced. That seemed way too harsh.

  “Mr. Smart—”

  “Is this his apartment? The place you told me you found?”

  “Yes. But I don’t have to tell you who I’m dating or anything about my relationships. It has nothing to do with you.”

  “But it has everything to do with your image Lane. Have you even read what people are saying about you? You sell them a bad boy for years and now you’re pictured here walking dogs and getting kisses on the cheek out in the street.”

  “Sir…”

  “They feel lied to, Lane.”

  There was a long pause where no new words appeared on the screen.

  “They do?”

  I could just feel the sadness creep from those two words.

  “They do. And it’s up to you to fix it.”

  “How?”

  “Break up with him.”

  “What?” Both the text and my own exclamation happened at the same time.

  “It’s that or no more public dates. Keep it all contained to this tiny overgrown apartment or lose your fame.”

  “But…”

  “No more buts, Lane. This was your last chance. When he comes home, tell him your new rules.”

  He would never agree to something like that. Never go out with me ever again? Our relationship would die. It was worse than long distance. It meant even together, there were restrictions on us. Lane would never agree to that.

  “Okay Sir.” My screen blinked the words up at me like a death knell.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Lane

  I waited nervously on the living room couch staring ahead at the front door to our apartment. The concert was only a week away and this scandal just had to come out now. I had been looking through people’s comments and they all sounded very confused. I saw so many people saying, “Was it all a lie?”

  And it was. They weren’t wrong. I had been lying to them all for years. But I was always told that everyone wasn’t genuine with their audience; everyone put on a mask to perform. But had I gone too far? But they all loved it. I didn’t want to throw that away.

  I heard the lock turn and I stood up instantly.

  Nate trudged in and threw his gym bag to the side. He immediately fixed me with a stare. He must have heard the news too.

  “I’m sorry your face is all over social media now.” I started out with the apology hoping it would smooth out what else I had to ask.

  “That’s fine Lane,” he said simply. There was no emotion on his face or in his voice.

  “But I have a solution.”

  “You do.” Again nothing.

  “I think we should keep our relationship private, at least for now. We can act like a couple while we’re at home.”

  “And that’s your idea?”

  There was no judgement in his tone and yet I felt like I was being accused. “Yes.”

  He turned away. “Lane. Look at your phone.”

  Confused, I did what he asked anyway. I had an outgoing call to Nate going for at least a half an hour. I looked back up at him staring ahead, this time he was clearly holding back something.

  “I got everything your manager talked about with you.”

  My heart stopped.

  “Why did you lie to me? This wasn’t your idea at all.”

  “It wasn’t my idea originally but I agreed with Mr. Smart. Being in a relationship goes against the image I’ve built the last three years. I can’t disappoint my fans.”

  “I have an idea Lane, tell them the truth.”

  I stepped back. “What?”

&nbs
p; “Stop being someone you’re not. Tell the world you aren’t some asshole. Wear the clothes you like. Go out on walks with your boyfriend.”

  “I can’t do that,” I insisted, feeling my panic growing. “Without the character I’m nothing Nate. I’ll lose everything. This is my dream, my purpose, and you want me to give it up?”

  “I don’t want you to give up anything. I want you to stop pretending you’re someone you aren’t so much that you’re willing to ruin what we’ve made together.”

  “We can still be together Nate. We were going to be long distance anyway.” I thought I was being rational. “I’m not ruining anything.”

  “I don’t want to hide us.” He said calmly. “I want to go get ice cream with you. I want to dance with you. And are we to have our relationship hidden for a year? Five? Forever? Or are you going to be the bad boy for the rest of your life?”

  “Nate…”

  “I understand,” he said suddenly. “I was wrong. You aren’t two different people. You are Just Lane and you are the popstar. You can’t pretend they are different anymore. You haven’t been pretending to be an asshole. You’ve just been one for years. Doesn’t matter if it was all supposed to be an act, it doesn’t change how you treated people all those years. It doesn’t change how you are treating me now.”

  No. That wasn’t true. Lane Daughtry, popstar, was just an act. Wasn’t it?

  “I think you should leave,” Nate said quietly.

  “Nate, I swear it is just an act.”

  “If it is, it’s more important than us.”

  “Nate.”

  “Lane, I think it is best if you left.” His calmness scared me. He had walled all of his emotions behind it and left me on the other side.

  “Okay.” I swallowed. I headed to my room and grabbed a bag with what I might need. I stepped out and set my key on the coffee table next to a beautiful cactus Nate had nursed back to health. He stood still where I had left him. He didn’t even seem to blink or shift.

  Should I have said something to him? Try to convince him one last time?

  I opened the door and left.

  ***

  “Where’s your energy today Lane?” My voice coach asked.

  “I’m finding it,” I promised and went through the song again.