by Tan France
I had it altered by a tailor Netflix recommended to make sure it fit me perfectly, because they knew he could turn an amazing alteration around in just a few hours.
I walked down that red carpet feeling so confident, knowing that tux highlighted my body in the very best way. I wore henna on my hands to incorporate my own culture, and I didn’t wear a bow tie. No matter how many times I have to wear a tux, I’m going to find a way to make it my own.
If you find yourself in a situation where you need to wear a tux, my first piece of advice is to make sure it fits. Find a tux that works for you and is highlighting the best and minimizing the worst parts of your body. My next piece of advice is to find something that feels like you. Don’t feel like you have to just wear the black tux, the black bow tie, the black shoes … you don’t. Don’t be afraid to experiment—maybe you wear a T-shirt underneath the jacket, or maybe you pair it with sneakers. Think about changing up the colours, too. A tux doesn’t have to be worn in the most basic bitch way.
When it came to the Emmys, however, I knew I wanted to wear Thom Browne. I love him. His stuff is always very fitted and short, which works well on a vertically challenged person like me. He messes with proportion more than any other designer I know, and sometimes it borders on androgynous. I also love that his formal wear isn’t overly formal. It doesn’t feel stuffy. When I’m dressed up, I want to feel playful and young and interesting, and Thom Browne does a beautiful job with that.
The Emmys take place over a couple of different nights. We were nominated for something called the Creative Arts Emmys, which take place the week before the Primetime Emmys. These are reserved for unscripted shows like talk shows and reality-based programming. On the Primetimes is where you’ll see awards for scripted shows and where the actors receive their awards.
So, because there were two nights of Emmys, we had to get two looks. The first look I chose was a simple one, because it wasn’t going to be televised in such a big way.
As the big night approached, I didn’t feel anxious about the awards ceremony at all. We were nominated, and that alone felt really powerful. That morning, Rob and I lounged around at the pool, got a spot of lunch, and in the late afternoon, got ready. Our car turned up at the hotel. You feel really glam walking through the lobby to get in your car, while the other hotel patrons are watching you, in awe of what you’ve got on. It’s really exciting.
We turned up at the Emmys, where the five of us were presenting. We went backstage to rehearse with all the other presenters. It was fascinating being in that space. We had been in a bubble for so long—when we’re filming the show, there aren’t many times where we feel very Hollywood-y, because it’s usually just us five, in other places. Only in situations like this do we start to think, Whoa. We are in this. Suddenly, you’re sitting in a room with the likes of Carol Burnett and Lisa Kudrow and Heidi Klum, and everything starts to feel really bizarre.
I was not nervous to present, and I have absolutely no idea where that confidence came from. If you’d told me two years ago that I would have to get up and speak in front of people, that would have freaked my shit out. But for some reason, it didn’t faze me.
As we were waiting for our category to come up, I definitely wasn’t nervous, because I didn’t expect to win. To win an Emmy? I thought, That’s not my life. That’s not my story. So I went into that ceremony truly prepared not to win. There’s that episode of Friends where Joey is going to an awards ceremony, and Rachel tells him, “When you lose, be graceful. Just smile and clap. Clap and smile.”
Rob turned to me and asked if I was okay, and I was like, “Oh, it’s all fine.” There were so many people around that I was in awe of. No matter what happened, it was all a magical experience.
When you’re nominated for an award, you don’t know when your category is going to be called. Then James Cordon was reading off our first nomination category, for Outstanding Structured Reality Show. I turned to Rob and said, “Oh, gosh, I’m nervous.” I had to be careful not to give too much away because the cameras were on us. Then James said, “Oh my god, they’ve done it,” as he looked over at us. As soon as he said that, I was like, Oh, shit. It’s us. And then I jumped up and screamed, and so did my boys.
I cannot describe the feeling beyond saying that it was a complete shock. That’s not me trying to be modest; it really was a shock. I took myself out of that for a moment to be like, What’s your face doing? I knew my smile was just big and excited, and I tried to remind myself, Some decorum, Tan. Be a classy bitch here. People are going to watch this.
But I remember very clearly doing that thing—I don’t even know what the term is—where you kind of pump your fist and chant, “Hoo hoo hoo!”
Then we got onstage, and I cried. It’s weird that I cried with that, because I don’t cry very often. And when I cry, I’ll have tears in my eyes and they never stream down my face. But here, I broke down. I cried so hard. I don’t think I understood the gravity of winning.
When you win, you go backstage and you thank the Academy on camera. I stood there and had no idea what to say. Finally, I simply said I never expected a Pakistani boy would be winning an Emmy for being on a show about being openly gay.
It felt profound, it felt overwhelming, it felt like something I never expected would be possible for somebody like me. And that was where the tears came from. This meant so much more than if we’d just won a pretty award.
We were nominated for four, and we won three. The fact that we just kept winning over and over again felt bizarre.
Even in that moment, I felt it—the profound feeling that my life changed a little bit right there. I didn’t know to what extent. Maybe I still don’t know. But I do know it changed, and I was so happy for it.
It still feels like a complete lie when I’m telling it.
When people ask, “Where do you put your trophy?” the answer is, I don’t have one. We don’t get to take a trophy home, because we’re not individually nominated as hosts.
We didn’t know if we would be at the Primetime Emmys. We heard they were going to invite us, but unless you’re on a Primetime show and you’re nominated, that typically doesn’t happen. But because we had won a few awards, and because our show is a buzzy show, a couple of days after we won, we were told we were invited to present at the Primetimes. We were told we were going to present Best Actor in a Drama, which is a very big category.
It was last minute, and it was very special that they were letting us do it. So it did feel lovely. I had an outfit booked, knowing that we were possibly going to the Primetime Emmys. I had wanted to go anyway, because I wanted to meet all these people who I was a massive fan of. Again, I wanted to wear Thom Browne, and I knew it would take very few alterations to make the suit fit right.
My suit was mostly white, with a navy and burgundy plaid. The fabric was almost bouclé, with frayed edges. The jacket hit at the high hip, with two gold buttons. The pants were slim and hit just above the ankle, and I wore them over Louboutin boots with a two-and-a-half inch Cuban heel. I felt incredible. I felt really sophisticated and weirdly powerful and strong. And I felt like the whole look I represented my personality well—it was classic, with a pop of something so much more.
The morning of, I wasn’t nervous, just excited. I had seen the Emmys on TV many, many times. Weirdly, I was more excited about the Primetimes than the Creative Arts Emmys, even though it wasn’t our category.
We took a limo service, and as soon as we arrived, the first person I saw on the red carpet was Tina Fey. She is easily one of the most incredible people I’ve ever met. As we made our way down the carpet, we did our interviews and met a bunch of people and finally sat in the audience ready for the show to start. It was glitz and glam all the way. Even more incredibly, we were seated in the third row, which was nuts. There were the likes of Penélope Cruz and Javier Bardem right in front of us and even more amazing people all around. It felt huge.
Then it was time for us to go backstage and ge
t ready to present. This time around, I started to feel really nervous and really anxious. We got lined up and stood in a certain position in the wings, getting ready to make our entrance. The stage was massive. I have never felt so glam in my entire life. As we waited to make our appearance, the energy took over. We started joking, “We should kiss! No one has ever done this before!” We were so giddy that the stage manager was like, “You have got to calm down. Get into position.”
As we started to walk out, my nerves kind of stopped. We decided to hold hands, because that’s what we do in our regular life. We got to the mic, and I looked out, and the crowd was full of people who blow my mind. I looked out and said, “Holy shit, Tan. You’re about to speak in front of all these people.”
We each had a line that was about five seconds long. Karamo spoke first, and I was going second. But as soon as Karamo started speaking, I got distracted, because Abbi and Ilana from Broad City started screaming, “Tan!” and making the heart signs with their hands.
So I became like that five-year-old boy in the school play who gets distracted by his mom in the audience and doesn’t realize what’s going on. Then I saw Claire Foy sitting in the front row. I am maybe her biggest fan. There are many wonderful actresses to come out of the UK, but when it comes to Claire, I think she’s formidable.
Just then, I realized Karamo’s line was ending and it was my turn.
So, I started to read my line from the teleprompter. I improvised my line a bit; I’m not sure why I thought it was okay to do that. Then comes this Beyoncé shimmy that I have never done in my life before. If you’re reading this book, I want you to Google it, because it’s really something that has never happened before. Then I literally winked at the audience, at the camera.
And then I was done!
I calmly watched the rest of the boys while thinking, What the fuck was that, Tan?
And then I proceeded to have the best day and night of my life. I have never felt as good as I did on that day.
Life has changed incredibly quickly. Because of this, I like to stay in Salt Lake City as much as possible. Back home, there are no events and no spotlights. If anything, my friends back home make fun of me for what I do for a living. They’re a bunch of dicks who like to keep me grounded. We call ourselves the core crew. There are around ten of us, and we’re one another’s chosen family for over a decade now.
Incredibly, all the exposure hasn’t changed my relationship with Rob. Every now and then, he’ll get nervous, but I try to put myself in his position. How would I feel if, from time to time, he got a call from somebody major? He’s like, “This is so fucking weird; you’re FaceTiming with so-and-so like they’re some person from down the street.” He sees them for their accolades, while I see them for regular human stuff—the fact that they’re going through a bad breakup, a hard time, a personal slump, or the fact that they don’t feel like they’re looking their best.
The only thing he can’t wrap his head around is when the TV is on and I’ll pop up in an interview. He’ll say, “It’s like you’ve produced it yourself and put it on TV!”
Until I got this job, we never had any issues with jealousy between the two of us. We’re so different, and the people who are attracted to us are very different. We each get flirted with every now and then, as everybody does, but we can laugh it off.
The truth is, when people find Rob attractive, it makes me very happy. I’m like, “Yeah, that’s my man! Yeah, he is hot! You should look at him! He looks great!” I’ve never been jealous in that way. On the whole, we have the same group of friends, but even when we hang out separately, there are no issues.
But something like fame can really shift that. Now it’s no longer the guy at the grocery store who’s looking me up and down but people all over the world hitting me up. In person, via email, via social media … Thankfully, I married an angel, and he is very secure.
For every day we’ve known each other, on every day we’re apart, we text first thing in the morning, check in throughout the day, and call each other every night. I always start my morning text with something like, “Morning, handsome” or “Morning, beautiful,” or “Morning, angel.” And when I’m with him, I tell him every single day how beautiful he is. It’s not cheesy, it’s not corny, and it’s not forced. We’re very loving and affectionate with each other. And that has continued.
Rob is always assured that I find him beautiful, that he is my person, that he is the only man for me, and that I’d marry him a thousand times over if I could. The only thing that’s shifted in this last year is, if anything, I remind him even more often that I’ll be there forever, without a doubt. It’s not that he needs the reassurance, but I think when one partner is in the spotlight, the other steps into a more vulnerable position, and I see it as my responsibility to remind him that I am going nowhere.
I thought we might struggle more with people sending inappropriate things, but thankfully, he’s secure enough to know I don’t care about that. We’re secure together. He’s watched me hold up my wedding ring when someone is clearly flirting, and he knows that I don’t have time for that. I feel lucky that I have such a stable partner. If anything, I would love to trade places with him! He gets all the perks, without any of this crazy busy work.
He does find it more uncomfortable when people are overly flirtatious in public, because it’s disrespectful. Now, he says he’s reminded of just how many other people have come to see me as their property. Before, he was the only person who had the right to run up and give me a hug, but now it happens all the time.
I think jealousy could be a bigger issue if we weren’t aware of it. Rob wanted me to do the show; he was the one who knew I could and really pushed me to do it. But he said, “Will you get so big that you’ll find someone more successful and leave me?” It was upsetting to think that would ever cross his mind. It’s easy to see how one partner becoming famous could create some real drama in a relationship, but luckily, Rob and I have always been so ride or die.
Despite all the changes, my life in many ways is the same as ever. When we aren’t filming, my routine is just as it’s always been: I go to the gym every morning, I go on a short hike or stroll, I do some laundry, I take a nap, I spend the evening with my husband. I love that I have a place that helps keep me grounded.
Whenever I’m back home, the thing I just came from feels like a dream. It legit feels like it never happened. Until, of course, I’m out and about and someone I’ve never met before says, “Hey, Tan!”
School photo. I was around seven years old.
The only picture I have of myself as a kid.
Yes, my hair is naturally this curly.
2006, when my hair was full-on Justin Beibering. I don’t know why I was taking style inspo from a preteen?
At an Indigo Girls concert in Salt Lake City around 2010.
I had no idea who they were.
Rob and me, Manchester Piccadilly train station, 2008.
The first month we met.
Rob and me, San Francisco, 2011. The only thing I remember about this day was hating how bulky my hair had gotten at the front.
Rob and me, Buckingham Palace, 2008.
I straightened Rob’s beautiful curly hair for this day. It was a mistake.
Rob and me near the Great Salt Lake, 2010.
I borrowed his shoes. I just need to clarify, these were not my shoes.
Rob and me with baby Oliver, 2011. The moment Rob knew I was going to want a lot of kids.
Look at the nervous fear in his eyes.
Rob and me at a friend’s fortieth birthday party, Salt Lake City, 2010. I was living in Utah and perfectly happy taking pictures with balloons.
Summer 2012. I was always a jealous bitch who looked great in pink.
Dinner in LA, April 2017.
We four had been cast already. Waiting for Ant to be finalized.
After the final night of the second round of auditions, when we were trying to lock down the role of the Food an
d Wine guy. Clearly, we were rooting for Antoni.
April 2017, the final night of the audition process. We hadn’t gotten the job at this point, but already you can see that a friendship had formed.
Antoni and me, June 2017. The hardest I’ve ever seen him laugh, when he saw me in this wig.
With my Queer Eye boys, May 2017.
Our very first day in Atlanta, ready for preproduction of season 1, episode 1.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Netflix. Thank you for being the most incredible company to work for, and for being so good to me. Jenn Levy, thanks for being a constant support and cheerleader. I know I wouldn’t be in this position without you, and I’m so incredibly grateful. Bela Bajaria, Derek Wan, Brandon Riegg, and Ted Sarandos, thank you for continuing to let me work for Netflix, even though at times I don’t feel worthy. And to the Netflix PR and Social Teams: you crushed it!
ITV America. The entire casting and production team. Special mention to Jordy, Gretchen, Danielle, Adam Sher, David Eilenberg, and David George. Most important, Wesley, for taking that initial chance on me that changed my life, forever. Thank you.
Scout Productions. David, Michael, and Rob, thank you for rooting so hard for me to get the show, and for continuing to champion my success.