Jane’s stare was loaded with icy contempt, but the minute she escaped the washroom, she began to tremble.
Her face was pale when she returned to their secluded table.
Immediately, he could see that something was wrong. “Jane?” He stood, his expression solicitous. “What is it?”
“I…” She shook her head. “I’m sorry. Do you mind if we get out of here?”
He scanned her face, and the seriousness of her emotional state got through to him. He nodded, and simultaneously threw a few notes down onto the table. They emerged into the night air a moment later. Martins was only a few feet away, but Carter grabbed her hand and slowed her to a stop. “Jane? What’s going on? Don’t tell me the snail made you sick?”
“No.” She sniffed, and shook her head. “I think we’re better discussing this in private.”
He stared at her for a moment and then nodded.
They drove to his apartment in a stony silence. Jane stared out of the window the entire time, and kept her body carefully separated from his. One touch and she knew her ability to think clearly would evaporate.
“Right. What’s going on?” He demanded, as soon as he’d shut the door behind them.
“Who is Renata?”
He froze. “Renata?”
Jane pushed past him, and moved to the terrace. She needed fresh air, and a seat. “Yes, Renata!” She almost shouted.
“Why would you ask about her?”
“Because she cornered me in the bathrooms at Chaleur tonight.”
His expression didn’t flicker. “What did she say?” If she didn’t know him so well, she could almost have believed his act. That he was relaxed and mildly interested.
“That you’re using me to make her jealous.”
His laugh was laced with sardonic anger. “I see.” He nodded. “Anything else?”
She bit down on her lip. “That you love her.”
Again, he nodded. “Of course. And?”
Jane frowned. Why and how was he doing this? It was the first time she got a glimpse of what a truly formidable executive he would be. Unflappable and cool-headed, he almost had her feeling silly for being upset by the blonde.
“Did you know she was going to be there tonight?”
“Now that you mention it, yes. She had told me.”
Jane gripped the railing behind her, as her heart plummeted.
He came to stand before her, and put his hands on the railing, one on either side of Jane’s arms. “Renata and I have dated on and off for years.” He obviously saw the way Jane’s eyes clouded with pain, because he softened his voice to a whisper. “I met her through Karina, and, at first, I thought she was a bit of fun. It devolved, over the years, to meaningless sex.”
Jane felt bile in her throat. She blinked and focussed her eyes on the glass wall of his apartment. A gentle breeze whipped past them, fluffing her dark hair around her shoulders. Carter lifted his hands to cup her cheeks, to keep her attention focussed on him.
“I did not take you to Chaleur because I knew she’d be there. I forgot she was planning to go tonight because I have ceased to think of her at all.”
Jane’s eyes flew to his, searching for truth, needing some kind of confirmation.
“I don’t know what to say. She was pretty confident.”
He shook his head slowly. “She was pretty wrong.”
“Carter… I need to think.” She put a hand on his chest.
He lowered his face, and brushed his lips lightly over hers. “You need to feel.” He corrected, kissing her properly, and moving his hands back, so that his fingers could pull through her mane of shining brown waves. “Feel this, and trust this,” he whispered in her ear, pressing his body against hers so that she could feel his arousal.
“It’s just sex,” she groaned, lifting her arms above her head so that he could pull her dress free. He lowered her to the ground, so that they were concealed by the heavily tinted glass that made up the railing of the terrace.
“Is it?” He asked with a small smile, lowering his mouth to her breasts, while his hands slid her underwear from her body. He paused only long enough to undo his pants, and push them partway down his body, before entering her swiftly. “Is this just sex?”
Confusion was swamped by desire. Doubt was driven out by pleasure. Worry was completely dissolved by pure, over-riding love. She didn’t answer. She didn’t trust herself, lest she say the three words that were suddenly tripping on the tip of her tongue, desperately clamouring to be expressed. I love you. She thought it, over and over again, as he moved within her and brought pleasure, as a blanket, to wrap firmly around her. It was terrifying and yet it was security.
Beneath the sprinkle of stars, with a view of Manhattan, she let herself ride an intense wave of pleasure in Carter’s arms. But as soon as she came down from that crest, she wondered if it would be the last time. She knew one thing for certain. She loved him too much to stay in his life, waiting for the axe to fall. If Renata was right, that day would come, and Jane would be left with only a broken heart and bittersweet memories. She wriggled away from him, and reached for her dress.
When she spoke, her voice was unsteady. “I’m going to get going.”
“What?” He stood and quickly pulled his clothes back to their usual state. “This is ridiculous. Renata is a woman who means nothing to me. Why would her word have more weight with you than mine?”
Jane’s lips twisted into a half smile. “It isn’t that.” She shook her head. “I just need to think. Can you… just give me a few days?”
He pressed his lips together, and she could see the he was waging an internal battle. “This should not be so complicated,” he muttered, as he had done in her apartment the night before.
“But it is!” She said, her temper finally fraying to breaking point. “You hired me to sleep with you, for God’s sake. How can we ever separate anything else out from that?” Her voice cracked as tears clogged her throat. “If we spend more time together, you’re always going to wonder if it’s because of our financial situations. And I’m always going to wonder if you’re using me for sex. And,” she put a hand in the air when he went to interrupt her. “And I’m always going to be wondering when you’ll get sick of that. That’s not even thinking about your father. My sister. Your embarrassment of what I used to do – no matter how you dress it up, I know you, Carter, and I know you don’t want to answer questions about your lover’s history as a well-paid escort.”
She ran a shaking hand through her hair. “I have to go.”
He was almost paralysed by the speech. She had enumerated so many issues that his head was spinning. “All that matters is where you want to be. Do you want to be here?”
She closed her eyes. “I don’t have the luxury of thinking only of myself.” She turned her back to him. “Would you mind?”
He expelled a sigh as he pressed his fingers against her zip and slowly lifted it up her body. “I think you’re being overly-dramatic for no reason.”
She swallowed past the lump in her throat. “Maybe.” She shrugged. “Tell me this, then. What do you want from me, Carter?”
He frowned. “I don’t want anything from you.”
“From this? What do you want?”
“I just want… you.”
“But for how long?” She bit down on her lip to stop herself from saying anymore. She knew she was coming close to being dangerously needy.
“Is that what you’re wanting? Some kind of guarantee?”
She lifted her slender shoulders and turned her head away from him, pretending interest in a rustling pot plant in the corner of the terrace. “To be honest, I don’t know what I want, or what I need. This is all really new to me.” She lifted a hand to keep her hair from breezing past her face at the same time he did. Their hands connected, and he wrapped his fingers around hers. She tried to smile, but it was a watery imitation. “I think we both need some time.”
He nodded, but he didn’t agree. Time awa
y from Jane felt like he was asking to be sent to hell. He didn’t want time, but he said nothing, for her sense of distress was too great for him to address. He had no experience with situations such as this. When he had left women in the past, it was because he was ready to finish a relationship. The very notion that Jane might leave him was unwelcome.
“Don’t think too long,” he said, pulling her towards him. “I’ll miss you.”
Not the three words she was longing to hear, but they were welcome nonetheless. She looked up at him with all the strength of feelings in her eyes. “I’ve thought about Anita for so long… I don’t even know what I want. But I know that this is a little too much. A little too real.” She lifted a finger to his lips to silence him. “I’ll call you.”
* * *
“In some ways, I feel over-prepared, and in others, I feel like I know pretty much nothing.”
Her friend Thomas shook his head, as he straightened his spectacles on the bridge of his nose. “The test is going to be a walk in the park for you.”
“You’re just being nice because you used to push me into puddles in the playground,” she teased.
Thomas nudged her with his shoulder. “You know it.” He adjusted his spectacles again, a gesture that she’d come to recognise as nervous.
“I’m so grateful for all your help, Thomas,” she said. “Let me get us some coffees?”
He nodded. “Sure. You know I’ll always go for something caffeinated.” They pushed into the café they were walking past and Jane placed their order.
“So the test starts at nine o’clock?” She asked for the hundredth time, causing Thomas to laugh.
“Come on, Jane. You’re ready. What you really need is to go out and unwind.”
She shook her head. “I’m too nervous to unwind.”
Their coffees were called and Thomas grabbed both, handing hers to her once they were on the street. “You still haven’t told me what you’re going to apply for.”
“I don’t know,” she said with a desperate expression on her face. “I’ve spent the last year going through all Anita’s text books and all I’ve learned is that I can’t stand the idea of medicine. Or anything scientific.”
Thomas grinned. “You and me both.”
“I need to see her through her own application process before I can even start thinking of my own.”
He sipped his coffee. “You know, Anita is old enough to manage on her own.”
“She’s a kid!” Jane contradicted forcefully.
Thomas stopped walking, just a block short of their apartment block. He put his free hand on her shoulder. “She’s the same age you were when you took control of her life, as well as your own.”
Jane nodded jerkily, “Exactly. And look how well that turned out for me. I dropped out of school altogether because I couldn’t cope.”
Thomas frowned. “I’m not talking about putting everything on Anita’s shoulders. But she can handle her own stuff now. And you did cope, Jane.”
“She’s going to be doing medicine at an Ivy League college. I don’t want her thinking about anything except her studies.”
“You’re selling her short, as well as yourself.”
Jane shook her head. Why do you say that?”
“You’re coddling her like a helicopter parent. You don’t think she can do it on her own, but you’re protecting her to the point it might actually end up doing her a disservice.”
Jane shook away from his hand, but his words swarmed in her brain. Was he right?
As if sensing a weakening in her resolve, he pushed his point. “You cook all the meals. You clean. You make her bed, for God’s sake. If she goes to Harvard next year, she’s going to get a pretty rude awakening.”
They began to walk towards their apartment building, without speaking. As they approached the door, Jane slowed her step. “So what? What should I do?” She valued Thomas’s advice hugely. It was one of the reasons she’d enlisted his help in preparing for her SATs.
He looked at her earnestly. “Take off the floaties.”
“Floaties?”
“Floatation devices? Never mind. Let her go. You know what you’re feeling right now, Janey?”
“What?” She asked huskily.
“What every single parent goes through when their first kid’s about to go off to college. You’re empty nesting. But you’re not doing any prep for Anita, and she’s going to land on campus with no idea how to tie her shoes.”
Jane took offense and yet, she nodded. “I know. I’ve looked after her for so long, I just don’t know what she can do.” She lifted her hands to Thomas’s shirt and held the fabric in her fists. “What if people are mean to her because of her face? What if she doesn’t make friends?” She gulped emotionally. “What if she’s miserable?”
He put an arm around her shoulders and steered her through the security door. “She won’t be.”
“How do you know?”
“Because. Anita is cut from the same cloth you are. She’s strong and resilient and she’ll be fine.”
CHAPTER TEN
“Where is he?” Carter’s face was so loaded with thunderclouds, it could have been a paradigm of anger.
“What? Who?” Jane stepped inwards, coffee cup still clasped in hand, her expression showing her confusion. She hadn’t seen Carter in so long that the sight of him made her body throb with recognition and desire.
“The guy with the glasses. I swear, I’m going to slam them off his face.”
Thomas strode into the lounge at that precise moment, holding the air-conditioning filter in one hand. “Found the problem, hon. It’s long overdue for a clean out.” He looked up, and saw Carter. He frowned and pushed his spectacles back up his nose. “Oh. Hey.”
“Hey? Hey?” He turned back to Jane. “What the hell is going on, Jane?”
Jane was having trouble making sense of things. She hadn’t seen Carter in three days. And while his presence was sending arrows of pleasure into her body, it was also inspiring frustration. She stared up at him, her face showing exasperation. “What are you doing here?”
“Ruining your afternoon of fun, apparently.”
“Is this Carter?” Thomas asked, placing his coffee cup on the table and moving towards the furious billionaire.
Carter’s face flickered with emotion. “Carter Mann-Hughes.” He extended a hand. “And you are?” Desperate to get in Jane’s pants.
“A friend. Gay. Completely not interested. I’m Thomas.”
Jane hid a smile behind her coffee cup. “Thomas Wizolski, yes. This is Carter.”
She turned her back on her friend, so that she could face the man who she was consistently driven wild by.
“What are you doing here? You were meant to be giving me time,” she said with frustration, crossing her arms over her chest.
“I have been!” He shook his head. “It’s been three years since I saw you.”
“Three days,” she corrected with a small smile.
“And you’ve been with him?”
“Woah!” Thomas held his hands up. “I’m just helping her prepare, dude.” He put an arm around Jane’s shoulders. “I’ll leave you to it. Let me know how you go. I know you’re going to kill it.” He kissed her cheek and, with a nod at Carter, slipped out of the apartment.
Carter’s expression was exasperated. “Do you know that the Kremlin could take tips from you on keeping secrets?”
She glared at him. “I’m not keeping anything secret. I’m telling you what you need to know, when you need to know it. There’s a difference.”
“What’s Thomas helping you prepare for?”
She shrugged self-consciously. “Do you want a coffee? Tea?”
He glared at her with obvious frustration. “What is Thomas helping you prepare for? Jane, I’m not used to being dicked around like this.”
She stared at him in confusion. “I’m not meaning to.” She sucked in a deep breath and put her coffee cup down. Slowly, she walked towards
the threadbare sofa and sat down on the edge of it. She fixed him with a thoughtful glance and then opened her mouth. There wasn’t a gradual way to tell him what she was preparing for. “I’m taking my SATs tomorrow.”
He was genuinely shocked. He stared at her for so long that she wondered if he mightn’t be having some kind of heart attack.
She nodded, despite the fact he hadn’t said anything. “I was a cheerleader in high school. More interested in the next pep rally than exams. I didn’t mind dropping out to help Anita. But I want more now.” She swallowed. “You and I both know I’m not especially clever. Not like Anita. Not like Jenna. But I think I can do more with my life. I thought I could maybe get into a community college, and do something. Something more than this.” She shrugged. “I know it must seem really self-indulgent….”
He walked across to her and kneeled at her feet. “Self-indulgent?” He demanded.
She shrugged. “I’m twenty three. Most undergraduates are younger than I am.”
He pressed up on his haunches and sat beside her. “Most undergraduates haven’t raised their kid sister.”
She nodded. “I am going to be like a fish out of water. If I even get in anywhere.”
He was quiet for a moment. “You know, in the time I’ve known you, there’s one thing you keep doing that seriously makes me so angry I could throw something.”
She lifted her brows. “What? What is it?”
“You keep fucking putting yourself down. Why do you say you’re not as bright as Anita? Not as bright as Jenna?”
She shook her head, her face astounded. “I’m not. Anita is a genius. Jenna is a teacher. I’m… I have to read newspaper articles twice to get the gist sometimes.”
“Jane, you’re clever in a way I can’t even begin to understand. You operate on a hundred levels at once. Intelligence, heart, soul, empathy, strength. You are… clever.” It was such an insufficient word, he had to shake his head in disgust. “The only problem you have is this strange desire to hide your strengths; to downplay them at every opportunity.”
She chewed her bottom lip. “I guess we’ll know after tomorrow.”
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